will.i.am
“Who”
William James Adams Jr. (born March 15, 1975), commonly referred to as will.i.am, is an American rapper who specializes in making whatever type of music that will earn the most money from young people playing around with their newfangled gizmos and their parents' money.
Due to an observation of his strong reliance on the Auto-Tune pitch correction software, scientists have researched the possibility that will.i.am could be a robot that looks somewhat like a human being and that perhaps the robot invasion has already started. Perhaps our time is running short, but the full report is classified and under Government protection.
Early career[edit | edit source]
Before he became will.i.am, he was named Will 1X. This is thought to be a reference to the manufacturing code used at the factory which created this robot. But the full report is classified. You didn't learn that from here. But as east coast hip-hop was in the process of invading the world and everybody surrendering to it, Premier Eazy-E hired Will 1X and his friend apl (pronounced apple) to provide more firepower to the war of "Hip-hop vs. The World". However, Premier Eazy-E was defeated in 1995 by a group of rebels who would later found the A.I.D.S Foundation and thus Will 1X was decommissioned from service. Reactivated, he came back with a vengeance and aimed to take the world for himself. Thus Will 1X's troubled service record was erased and will.i.am was born.
will.i.am took his friend apl, now known as apl.de.ap and they met another guy named Taboo to form the Black Eyed Peas. At this stage they actually made some sense and were making socially conscious alternative hip-hop that was actually cool to like but was only moderately successful, hence will was angry. He later met a girl named Fergie and recruited her to the Black Eyed Peas. It was thought that her lovely lady lumps would prove beneficial to will's ambitions. Maybe he was smitten but if robots can't love then then that could disprove that robot theory surrounding him. Or maybe her humps weren't lovely lady lumps after all and that will.i.am is actually the second coming of Hitler - it's what people who hate his music tend to believe.
Plagiarism claims[edit | edit source]
Over the years, it is thought that will.i.am has stolen CDs from various local record stores in order to use the compositions for his own work, including a collaboration with Chris Brown in making a beat. From 2006 all the way up to the present day, record stores have reported they have been the victims of numerous theft instances as will.i.am and the Black Eyed Peas have maintained popularity. While local authorities have been tasked with tackling will.i.am's plagiarism ring, they have not been successful despite Mr i.am admitting that he steals music.
As stealing music is argued to be an act of piracy, it appears that the People's Utopia of Somalia, known for their legalisation and encouragement of piracy, are lobbying for will.i.am to become the new President with the hope that this glorious act will improve everybody's lives and further cement Somalia's status as one of the world's leading superpowers. They also believe that open source software is too restrictive in terms of copyright. It is believed that for their opposition to piracy, Somalia and will.i.am consider the United Nations to be pure evil.
Doping allegations[edit | edit source]
Throughout his career, and especially in recent years, it is thought that he has used an audio processor known as Auto-Tune, which is considered by some to be a voice-enhancing drug, to improve his vocal output. His friend Lance Armstrong, who to this day continues to lose his war against cancer - something which many people consider to be a good thing, defended will.i.am saying, "will.i.am is a dope artist. He would always do dope, speed and anything to keep him on top of his game. What he's doing is the greatest thing that has ever happened to music and he is pioneering music with his usage of Auto-Tune. He is the future of the human race!"
Not long after, will.i.am was investigated by the World Doping Committee. As they really could not give a shit about the music industry, will.i.am was pardoned on the basis that he makes songs with a beever, #hashtags #all #of #his #damn #titles and continues to raise awareness of doping in the music industry and why how it affects music.
Many have questioned whether or not will.i.am actually committed any doping offences or if his robotic voice is just natural, further backing up the claim that he's a robot. Regardless, it landed him a second job as a spokesperson for the evil Antare Doping Corporation, the creators of Auto-Tune, with the hope that will.i.am's influence will not only result in the legalisation of Auto-Tune but also aid him in his own world domination plot. His promotion and endorsement of Auto-Tune not only made him rich(er), but also gave hope to many great musicians in helping will.i.am to take over the world and all who inhabit it.
Praising Obama[edit | edit source]
Throughout his career, will.i.am has garnered a reputation as a radical activist against the benefits of being white. So much so that he was ecstatic when he heard that Barack Obama was running to become the President of the United States. But obviously Obama couldn't do it alone and seeing as will.i.am's prime directive was to take over the world, it was a win-win situation.
But this wasn't just a simple case of rigging a vote to get Obama elected. This was the start of the Black Invasion that would carry on for generations. will.i.am's army consisted of many other celebrities such as Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, Common, John Legend, Thugnificent from The Boondocks and even Black Widow.
The movement was considered a great success and Barack Hussein Obama was elected as Premier Warlordsident of the United States. That also caused will.i.am's popularity to hit an all time high and thus his own music and that of the Black Eyed Peas effectively took over and ruptured the eardrums of many Conservatives who opposed Obama. Many consider this to be a good thing and an integral part of the invasion. Obama expressed his gratitude by making will.i.am an honourary mutant in 2009 - a position many still dream of to this day.
Future[edit | edit source]
With his quest for world domination being an unprecedented success, one must wonder what will.i.am is going to do in the future. His music videos are futuristic with predictions of flying robots, satellite radio and strange hairstyles. Strange indeed. But the reality of it all is whether or not you believe that will.i.am is just another human being making music, he is in fact more than that.
He is a by-product of the US Government. Commissioned in the 90s when hip-hop was getting its big break, will.i.am has served as the inspiration point for blacks everywhere. He has successfully gotten kids to play his music, getting Obama elected and he even got his music played on Mars, which further rumours indicate is his home planet. You ought to believe it with a hairstyle like that.
As long as will.i.am is popular, the door is open for everybody to use Auto-Tune, shout "Mazel Tov", dress like a robot and look like a robot. Should we be scared? Who knows? Just as long as they don't all come back from the future to take our jobs then we should be fine. Just be wary of the woman on the tills at Sainsbury's if she sounds like Britney Spears with a robotic edge. If that happens, you know that they've come back from the future to invade us further.
But as for will.i.am himself, his utopia only continues to grow stronger and together with his friends, the people who buy his product that some like to call music and the Antare Doping Corporation, he is unstoppable. The US Government's plan has served as an unqualified success and the NSA never thought you would realise that they would learn all of your secrets just from you listening to a will.i.am song.
This article will now self-destruct.