Why?:Wear clothes 3 sizes too small
It's another hurts-to-move morning. You curse, shuffle and slide your way out of bed. Grumbling to yourself, you start to dress, but it's a struggle. You've noticed that your clothes have been feeling snug for a while now, but this is getting ridiculous. And that's when you realise: these clothes are three sizes too small!
Of course, your instinctive reaction is probably to make a big fuss about it; or to break out the sewing machine, a length of snappy fabric, some cheeky trim, and make something new and stylish; or perhaps you're even thinking of buying some new clothes. But wait! Have you ever considered that, contrary to popular belief, there are many benefits to wearing clothes 3 sizes too small?
Confused? Don't be! Simply read on, as we fill you in on the many and varied overlooked reasons to wear clothes three sizes too small!.
Those reasons in full:
You won't have to buy new clothes
So, let's cut right to the number one issue on most people's mind in these cash-conscious times: new clothes cost money - simple fact. Money doesn't grow on trees - another simple fact. And monkeys are amusing - a third fact, although one that's less relevant to the point than the previous two. You work, you slave, you scrimp, you save, you procure the money somehow through your own sweat and tears - and you may well begrudge having to hand over ridiculous amounts of it merely to cover an extra few inches of flesh. So making your existing clothes stretch further will make your money stretch further. Common sense.
A second benefit that is similarly pertinent in these days of climate change is that you won't have to go to the store. Don't forget that driving to the store wastes energy, so you'll be saving energy instead of wasting it! Not to mention that most new clothes these days are made in sweat shops over in Asia someplace, so by not buying them you're being all ethical as well! So from within your clingy clothes, you can feel that warm glow that comes from leading such a selfless life. Without having to sell your Hummer.
Awesome motivation to try that hip new diet
Face it - you're not fashionable. Never will be. Who can keep up with trends anyway? By the time they're published in a magazine you're actually likely to read, and they've come down in price enough for you to actually afford them, they're so outdated that politicians are wearing them to try and look cool. Be honest with yourself: the closest you're ever going to get to the cutting edge of fashion is trying out the latest hot new diet craze that's sweeping the nation. And wearing clothing so tight that it restricts the flow of oxygen to your brain will not only provide excellent motivation to start the diet, there's also every chance it'll cause enough brain damage to make that small portion of steamed fish, three grains of rice and "healthy, nutritious shake" seem appetising!
Cheap Retro Styling
Talking of fashion, though, retro is always chic - just watch the thousands of fashion shows on TV, they're always talking about things having "retro flair" - heck, even flares occasionally make a comeback! So instead of buying new stuff to look the same as you did 30 years ago, just dig out your 30-year-old clothing that is now - you guessed it - three sizes too small! Effortlessly nail that retro look for absolutely no outlay.
Well, they're always telling you you need some exercise, for some reason, but gym membership costs way too much, and the last 4 fitness products you bought after being wowed by their infomercials are now happily gathering dust in your basement. What you need is a way to work out that's part of your daily routine, and doesn't cost a penny. This is where your tight clothing comes in: a morning struggling, wriggling, positively writhing about on the floor, trying to squeeze your ass into a pair of three-sizes-too-small jeans is the perfect way to burn those calories without paying for the "pleasure". And the bonus here is that, if you do it for long enough, eventually the clothes will fit properly again!
For Pleasure and Comfort
OK, this one seems a bit odd - after all, we're talking about wearing clothes so tight that movement could feasibly be considered a hazardous activity, where in the hell does the pleasure and comfort come in? Well, consider the tight fit in all areas - that's right, constant pressure and rubbing on your favourite intimate places... If you work it right, you may finally be able to have that crafty wank walking down the street, and no-one need ever know! (Apart from the stain and the smell, of course, but we're not providing all the solutions here, this is an article about wearing the clothes, not dealing with the stains).
However, this is a trifle unlikely, as chances are that you'll either lacerate your favourite parts, generate such levels of static electricity that you permanently neuter yourself, or simply chafe them red raw, so this will only be a benefit attainable by the fortunate few.
No, the real pleasure and comfort will occur when you take the clothes off! Think how good that will feel! The sheer joy and level of release may almost make up for the hours of discomfort you've had to endure, and the strange contortions you've had to affect to survive the day. Almost.
The arguments against wearing 3 sizes too small
There are, of course, several arguments that have been raised by naysayers against wearing clothes 3 sizes too small. Let's analyse them all, and attempt to de-bunk some of their more pernicious lies.
The Argument - doctors have expressed a fear that when you wear clothes 3 sizes too small, complications may well be caused by internal organs being squished together. It's pretty self-explanatory: when your body is squashed into tiny clothes, there's less space for all of your inside bits, so they have to huddle closer together.
Doctors claim that this is, in some way, damaging to your health, and advise against it.
- The Truth - squishing things is good! Think compact cameras, compact discs, iPod Nano... Things are better compressed! Crushing your intestines up against your kidneys and forcing your liver into hiding behind your appendix will improve the efficiency of your body. Notice how computers get more efficient the smaller the microchips get, and the closer together they can all fit? Exactly!
The Argument - tight clothing rips and tears when worn by large people.
- The Truth - clothes ripping and tearing on large people is a good thing: repairing the clothes you've just bust your way out of after that quintuple bacon cheeseburger gives you an inexpensive and involving way of passing the time. It can also bring the whole family together - think of the fun you can all have, stitching up the ass-crack of your sweatpants again. The kids will learn valuable skills such as needlework, patience, and the ability to hold their breath for minutes on end while holding the gusset in place for you to stitch.
The Argument - tight clothing causing excess sweating.
- The Truth - People pay to use saunas, and they cause excess sweating! This is, therefore, a good thing - saunas help clear the skin by sweating poisons out of your pores, and in tight clothing, with that restricted airflow, you'll be sweating all the time! And all without having to bother sitting in a sauna trying not to look at the stretch marks on the 50 year old woman in front of you, or the hairy ass of the guy sprawled across the middle bench. Bonus!
This article is part of Uncyclopedia's Why? series. See more Why's?
We hope we've helped you to feel a little more comfortable, if not in your tiny clothing, then at least about it! And now that you've learned to appreciate the benefits of reduced-capacity clothing, perhaps we can tempt you to cast your eye over our ethically produced, effortlessly stylish range of three-sizes-too-small running suits, hoodies, t-shirts and...
No, come back. No, you've got it totally wrong - this so isn't our old clothing that shrunk in the wash that we're desperately trying to sell. No it isn't.
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