Why?:Spay and neuter

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You've probably heard nice-sounding slogans like 'Neuter and spay, it's the humane way!', and discounted them as just catchy, sticky and annoying. Perhaps advertising something unnatural and inhumane that violated the rights of your happy, healthy, fun and sexy pets. However, you are sorely mistaken: spaying and neutering is the humane way, and has many benefits. In this article, we will explain to you exactly why you should spay and neuter.

Makes pets happier[edit]

A very real pair of animals, advertising the joys of being spayed and neutered

Spaying and neutering your pets makes them happier and more comfortable. In fact, they're so happy and relaxed they won't play with those nice toys you bought just for them, and they'll sit around and get fat. You might think having your pet get fat is a bad thing, however this is a common misconception. If you had an energetic pet who played all the time, she would be constantly climbing the curtains, trying to get out, and 'doing her thing' in all sorts of places that you'd rather she didn't. Who needs litter training? Just spay and neuter!

There have also been a few cases of pets who were not as affectionate towards their humans after being neutered/spayed, but this is incorrect as demonstrated by humans who have their sexual organs removed and show no change in personality after the procedure is performed.

More humane[edit]

Getting your furry friends fixed is more humane than the alternative for several reasons:

  • Cats are natural hunters. This means they are very likely to chase after smaller animals such as mice and kill them. If you get your cat neutered, he will be more likely to become sedentary (sitting around) than go around killing mice; this is considerably more humane for the mice.
  • Back in the old days, people used to spay and neuter animals without any anaesthetic, which meant that they would often attack the human who was unfortunate enough to be performing the procedure. In modern times, however, the surgery is done by vets with anaesthetic, which is much more humane, especially for the vets to say nothing of being more humane to the drug manufactures.
  • It makes a nice rhyming slogan: Neuter and spay, it's the humane way! Catchy, rhythmic, rhyming slogans are excellent for sticking in people's heads and magically getting them to start believing they are right by the sheer power of bouncing around in their heads and being annoying.
  • Excess cats result in fewer birds if they are not kept indoors.
Two rabbits looking thoroughly disapproving overjoyed, preparing a sacrificial bonfire for their human

Reduces animal overpopulation[edit]

If pets are not spayed and neutered, they have a natural tendency to seek out members of the opposite sex and *ahem* reproduce. This results in many, many puppies, kittens, etc. that have trouble finding homes, and especially cats often become feral and wander around outside practising their natural instincts, which include all sorts of things we would rather they not do.

  • Cats kill birds as well as mice (and anything small they can get their paws on). Songbird populations tend to be lower in areas with more feral cats. This is a very bad thing, because songbirds sing beautiful musical songs and cats just make horrible, cacophonous 'meow' noises early in the morning, so it's much more pleasant to have lots of songbirds than lots of cats.
  • Cats and other pet animals are extremely fond of mating and fighting with each other. When they do these things they make a lot of noise that nobody wants to hear. (The cats may want to hear it, but they are not people.) Fewer cats means less noise, especially if the few remaining cats are fat couch potatoes.
  • Many animals are in animal shelters waiting for homes, and they frequently wait so long that they get euthanised. Obviously, euthanasia is a 'good death', but still, it would be much better if all these naughty animals hadn't existed in the first place, thus sparing the shelters the inconvenience of killing euthanising them.
  • Reduces incidence of disease; see below.

Some would object that humans are far too numerous and pose more of a danger to the world, what with Al Gore and all. This, however, is not important, even though there are seven billion of us as of 2014. Human life is sacred, and God said in the Bible that we must be fruitful and multiply, so we must never attempt to stop ourselves from being fruitful, multiplying and creating more sacred lives. Since abortion is murder, aborting babies before they have had a chance to be conceived is also murder. 'Thou shalt not kill' is one of the Ten Commandments, and since it doesn't specify a particular type of lifeform, it's obviously a directive not to kill anything, even preemptively.[1]

Reduces incidence of disease[edit]

Wouldn't you just love to be bandaged up?[2]

Unspayed/unneutered animals are more likely to develop diseases such as cancer, most likely due to higher levels of various hormones. We obviously want our pets to have as long and happy lives as possible, so animals having working sexual organs is a bad thing.

Humans are also very likely to develop cancer, but it is unacceptable to spay and neuter sterilise them because God told us all to be fruitful and multiply, and we must do everything He says in the Bible, the infallible account of His word.

Neutered pets get to cross the Rainbow Bridge when they die[edit]

The Rainbow Bridge of tranquility is the route taken by your kitty, doggy and or bunny when they pass away and go to Pet heaven. What you probably don't know, though, is that Pet heaven only for pets that have been spayed and neutered. Unspayed/unneutered animals are turned away at the fluffy gates and go to animal hell, because for pets having working sexual organs is a sin.

More natural[edit]

Another common misconception is that leaving your pets unfixed is more natural because they are in that state in the wild. In fact, it is more natural to neuter them. They are not wild animals; they are pets, living in captivity. God gave us the right to dominate other animals, which means we can treat them however we please. God favours us because we were created in his image, so He made us highly intelligent and raised us up on a pedestal above all other dumb animals. He put into every animal the desire to preserve its own species, but because we are intelligent and can speak for ourselves, our desires are the most important. We are also the only species with souls, and only those with true souls can go to the one true heaven. Those with false souls go to the false heaven - the Rainbow Bridge.


  1. But what about the fact that sperm and eggs probably aren't even conscious? Or that animals are alive too, and good Christians kill and eat them all the time as well as spaying and neutering them? No, that doesn't matter. What matters is that all human life has a soul.
  2. No? Well, of course not. But your pets would.

See also[edit]