What is this? My dinner? You call this my dinner? This is a turd on a plate, is what this is. All you do is just lounge around all day, waiting for me to come home so you can take a half hour out of your day to cook little turds and put them on plates... just for me. I feel so... Fucking... HONORED!
Oh, so now you're going to start crying? Well, here's another iron to throw on the fire: I married you just for your looks, and now that you're old and decrepit, I have no reason to be happy with you anymore. I'm the real victim here, Marlena, can't you see that?
And what do you mean this isn't my house? Dammit, woman, I don't care whose house this is, or what your real name is, or which three-digit emergency number you've called, or how many drinks you think I've had, I am hungry!
Hey... what's this, now? What are you doing in the corner there, kid? You find something compelling about this scene? Hey... why so serious, kid? Come on and lighten up, there's plenty to just laugh about in the world! Ha ha ha! HA HA HA!!
Hey, you know what's delicious? Ice cream! Ice cream is delicious! I love it! I love ice cream! Chocolate, vanilla, strawberry-fudge-caramel-banana, super-mocha-mocha-fudge-cheese-cake-and-monkeys-foot-surprise, it's all so great! I love it! I really truly love ice cream. And I bet you do too. In fact, here. Hold on. I will personally bring you some ice cream. What flavor do you like? Any flavor at all. Chocolate? Aww, come on, you can do much better than that. Chocolate's so plain. Ahh, there we go... One triple-fudge brownie-cake chocolate sunday with whipped cream and m&ms coming right up!
...Oh dear. I'm... Sorry, I can't give you this. We don't serve orphans here, you adopted little twerp. Come back when you start having real parents, you little son of a...hey! Why so sad, champ? Cheer up! Can't you see the humor in all this? You're adopted! Ha ha ha! You should try to be less serious all the time, you know that?
You know what may make you feel better? Unicorns. I, for one, love them. They're so cuddly and lovable, why would anyone not love them? They smell like shit, that's why. Have you ever smelled a horse? That's also the reason why the Nazis killed them all during the Holocaust. My favorite unicorns are the ones that are pink and purple with a sparkly horn and soulful eyes and majestic hooves and a shiny coat and oh and I should probably mention that you've got cancer.
Yeah, you know that lump you found on your neck the other day? That was a tumor. A malignant tumor. Hey, hey, don't cry! The doctor said you had a 31% chance of living! That's not bad! Besides, can't you laugh at the sillyness of your own predicament? Can't you see the humor in all this? You have a 69% chance of dying! Hahahaha, 69! What a comically inappropriate sexual reference!
...Oh come on. Why so serious? Laugh a little, they say it's the best medicine. And in your condition, you're gonna need the best medicine. Heehee, ah-ha ha ha...
Hey, who doesn't think that the Jews are funny? Stop feeling down, just think of a Jew! He's up there, on stage, probably at the Apollo or some other fantastic place in the city, doing his stand-up routine or singing a catchy tune. There, now you feel so much better, huh?
It would really kill your spirits if I reminded you that, like Unicorns, the Nazis slaughtered them during the Holocaust. Luckily, unlike unicorns, which were completely annihilated and served for dinner to hungry Gestapo majors, the Jews escaped with some survivors. Doesn't that cheer you up?
You know what would really put a smile on your face? Watching some television! What's your favorite show... Corey in the House? That's on the Disney channel, right? Okay kid, I'll put that on.
Oops! Looks like the remote broke, and we only made it to PBS. Aw darn, another documentary about the Civil War. I just saw this part yesterday, when Stonewall Jackson gets his head blown to bits by a sniper. Hit him right outta nowhere, spraying his own soldiers with little pieces of skull and brain. Horrible, gruesome stuff. The worst part is that he didn't see it coming, and with guns being so widely available these days, it could happen to you any time...any time at all. It could even happen RIGHT NOW. Watch your head, kid...
...But watch your smile, too! I'm starting to see it fade away! Here, I'll change the channel manually... history... discovery... animal planet... playboy... playboy... playboy... looks like the button broke too. No Disney channel for you today, boy. Instead, you're going to learn about how men and women fuck each other to make babies, though you'll never have to worry about it yourself, you ugly malignant bastard child.
Let's take these two stuffed animals that you always sleep with and have them sleep with each other instead. When Fluffers the Little Gorilla and Franklin the Teddy Bear love each other very much, they both get drunk and strip down to their bare ass. Ha ha! Could you imagine that, a bear stripping bare? Now that's something to laugh about! HA HA HA!
Anyway, the monkey takes its little plush monkey-cock and stuffs it into the bear's cooch until it's time to splatter the inside of the meaty gauntlet with some sausage grease. Your two favorite stuffed animals like to do it at night the best for two reasons: though afternoon delight is very fun, the night is still more sensual; and the monkey is very self-conscious about its tiny, fuzzy penis, and wouldn't want to be embarrassed in the broad daylight. So that means that all of your stuffed animals that you grew up with, loved for years, and kept in your bed all the while were fucking each other for hours on end while you slept with them. Now isn't that a funny thought?
The Genocide in Darfur
This article is part of Uncyclopedia's Why? series. See more Why's?
In all seriousness, there is nothing funny about the tragedy in Darfur. Let's move on.
Wow, look at that, a rainbow! You know, they say that if you follow it, it will lead you to a Leprechaun's pot of gold. Naturally, that's crap, because the Leprechauns are greedy little bastards who don't like to share... but boy, aren't their cute little faces so funny? Don't you just wanna laugh out loud at their adorable little green suits? I know I do! Ha ha ha!
In fact, you know what rainbows and leprechauns remind me of? Pedophiles. That's right, pedophiles. They're everywhere, kid, lurking behind the smile and handshake of every single stranger you will ever meet. They act all nice, luring you in with their charms, and before you know it you're locked in their car with a hairy, fifty-year-old hand down your pants. It will happen to you, and there's nothing you can do about it. Hell, I could even be a pedophile.
...You don't think I'm a pedophile, do you? Nah, nah, of course not. Don't be scared, kid, come on. Come back here and sit down again. You could even sit on my lap if you like...
Just kidding! Oh tee hee! Ha ha ha, the look on your face was so... hey, put down that phone! The cops don't wanna hear about stuff like this! We're just a couple of buddies having fun, right? Well, I'm having fun, anyways. You still seem so serious. Why are you so serious all the time, kid? Huh? Why? Hey, I asked you a question.
Why so serious?
GOD DAMMIT, KID, IF I DON'T SEE A GRIN ON THAT SNOTTY LITTLE FACE IN ABOUT TEN SECONDS I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL CUT ONE INTO IT! I don't wanna do this, you little bitch, but I will, I swear I will, and you'll...you'll...
...Hee hee, ha ha ha ha, Ah-ha ha ha, AH-HAHAHAHAHA
Oh man, that look on your face... you should've seen it! You're too easy, kid, aww man, I...
Hey, where ya goin'?