Why?:Listen to Indie Rock?

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Hey scenesters! So, I bet you're asking yourself right now, "Why listen to indie rock?"

Well, follow this guide, turn a square and you'll understand the difference in the shades and now love indie rock.

We will explain to you why you should listen to it and if we have time, we'll explain to you how to make your own home-brewed indie rock.

First of all, what is indie rock?[edit]

Indie rock is the rock and roll of today. It expresses creative control, by starting an independent label. In fact, indie is short for independent.

While the most popular indie rock groups are Bright Eyes, Commander Venus, Neva Dinova, Built to Spill, Son, Ambulance, Desaparecidos, Modest Mouse, the Shins and American Football, there are several other unrealized indie rock groups. For example, Frank Zappa would technically be classified as indie rock since Frank understood the evils of selling out and created his own record label.

Big record companies can ram, ram, ram, ram it up their poop chutes.

Secondly, why listen to indie rock?[edit]

If you think Mr. Oberst looks whiny now, wait till he sings.

Well, you can always count on indie rockers to make you feel better.......by comparison. Whether your girlfriend who you've had for a year and a half just dumped you just when you were about to propose to her, or if you've waken up in a hospital after a three-day coma brought on by alcohol poisoning, you can always listen to the whiny pity ballads of Conor Oberst to make you feel better. See, Oberst has gone through a lot of shit in his life and even though he's a millionaire now, he still feels terrible and feels the need of letting the rest of the world know how terrible he feels. In fact, Conor Oberst is the third whiniest singer in the world, after Billy Corgan and Jerry Cantrell.

Anyway, like I was saying, even if you accidentally got castrated on a hunting trip, you can listen to indie rock and you can know that there's somebody worse than you. It's like watching the news. (But not like watching Huey Lewis and the News. They have no relevance to this or any other article.)

Thirdly, why listen to indie rock?[edit]

But not these types of lumberjacks.

Well, you've always wanted to grow a beard but it never came out and all you got instead was a nice cop-stache with stubble on the bottom of your chin, right? Well, people who listen to indie rock have their beards grow twice as fast and twice as plentiful, leaving you with great big lumberjack beards.

Fourthly, why listen to indie rock?[edit]

Indie rock is the anti-dubstep. Most indie rockers use guitars and other real instruments, instead of an apple mac and a spacebar. YEAH!

Fifthly, why listen to indie rock?[edit]

You like Arcade Fire, right? Really, you don't??? Well, if you're Canadian-American, you got to love Arcade Fire. It's so melodious, and if you listen to them and don't like 'em, I'll throw you through a window. Then I'll kick you like a football so far that you'll land in Quebec so the people can rip you apart for hating Arcade Fire. Don't ever say "Je déteste Arcade Fire, et je suis contre le libre-Québec" unless you wanna get your flesh ripped off.

Sixthly, why listen to indie rock?[edit]

Well, have you ever seen Garden State?

If you wanna be like the kids in the movie, listen to indie rock. Also listen to Nick Drake. I especially like Nick Drake. His music could really mellow you down.

How to start an indie rock group of your own[edit]

Now as we promised, the best for last.

Step 1: Get a haircut. People in indie rock usually have their hair short, to show that they're the opposite of greasey, easy-going hippies, and instead uptight by the small things in life. Now we're not saying what your hairdo should be, you can even imitate David Lynch's world-famous pompadour if you want, but keep it short.....literally.

THE POMPADOUR! <3

Step 2: Get an acoustic guitar. The aforementioned acoustic guitar is also key to indie rocking. One can even say that the acoustic guitar is a god to indie rockers. In fact, if there was an acoustic guitar that could talk to indie rockers, like how Peter Frampton's electric guitar could talk to stoners, the indie rockers would stop what they're doing and bow down and worship it.

Step 3: Get a beanie. Typically, the beanie is seen as a power in the indie world. Really, indie rock is a type of shamanism, where certain inanimate objects are given powers without their asking, like in pre-Patrick Ireland.

Step 4: Get other people who like haircuts, acoustic guitars and beanies. Believe me, you can do this. That's what indie rock is all about. This is especially easy if you're a Midwest American. In Ukraine, it's kind of hard, but it's proven that that can be done with Валентин Стрыкало. You want, for diversity, one of your members to be a female, typically. A female with low self-esteem.

Step 5: Give your band an absurd name. It's common for several indie rockers to have absurd names, like An Horse, Pianos Become the Teeth or Bombay Bicycle Club. I mean, what the hell is an horse? I've heard a horse, but not an horse. Only in Australia! Or if pianos do become the teeth, then should we brush our pianos every morning and every night? And we all know there's no such thing as a Bombay Bicycle Club. However, there is a Caste Club in Bombay. It's a very big club, can't miss it. Give it an absurd name, just don't do something that makes as little sense as "Saigon... shit; I'm still only in Saigon... Every time I think I'm gonna wake up back in the jungle. When I was home after my first tour, it was worse. I'd wake up and there'd be nothing. I hardly said a word to my wife, until I said 'yes' to a divorce. When I was here, I wanted to be there; when I was there, all I could think of was getting back into the jungle. I'm here a week now... waiting for a mission... getting softer. Every minute I stay in this room, I get weaker, and every minute Charlie squats in the bush, he gets stronger. Each time I looked around the walls moved in a little tighter," because 1) That's too long for a cover, 2) Several towns don't allow bands that have shit in their names, and 3) It's ripped off verbatim from Apocalypse Now.

Step 6: Make lyrics. Typically, if you want your whiny band to be memorable, make lyrics that make people want to put a gun in their mouth, like talk about how your girlfriend broke up with you and took all your cool shit, and make it into a whiny, long narrative, with extremely whiny holds on certain vowels. But if that doesn't suit your fancy, do strange lyrics about stuff that don't make any sense. See "Pink Bullets" by the Shins, "A Comet Appears" by the Shins, "Red Rabbits" by the Shins, "Mine's Not A High Horse" by the Shins, "New Slang" by the Shins, or virtually every other song by the Shins.

Your musical grandfather (as well as possibly your actual grandfather) Mick Jagger, seen here playing harmonica.

Step 7: Add unusual instruments to the already weird song. Get a harmonica for example. However, harmonicas have been used for almost every type of music imaginable, also, so maybe not. Just think of something weird. Think of something like a horn and a mandolin playing at the same time. Indie!

Step 8: Ignore the first seven steps. Nuff said.

Step 9: Ignore Step 8. Forget what you know.

Step 10: Go out and indie rock! I think you know enough to survive in the world. Just don't go to Washington.