Why?:Is my wife a drug addict?

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This is a question asked by many men in America these days. The following step-by-step process will help you figure out why your wife is a drug addict and what you can do to help it.

First of all, you have to ask yourself, “Why did I marry her in the first place?”[edit]

Well, why did you?

  • Was she hot?
  • Did she have lots of money?
  • Was it an arranged marriage?
  • Did you know that she was a drug addict at the time you married her?
  • Did you need someone who could give you quick and easy access to peyotes?

Secondly, ask yourself, “Is there anything I can do to help it?”[edit]

Well, is there?

Third, tell her she needs some help[edit]

Now that'll scare her straight!

Now this is oft easier said than done. She might violently deny any sort of rehabilitation program and she might throw stuff at you for suggesting such a thing. However, there are some, more creative, methods of getting this done. For example, you can use referential cues about the dangers of drug use, particularly remind her of the scene in Trainspotting where Ewan McGregor dives into the most disgusting toilet in Scotland to search for lost drugs. Also, you can tell her about how drugs almost killed Ozzy Osbourne, although it did make some great music on the other hand. Most likely the best reference you can make is about the innumerable times that child-star-turned-whore Lindsay Lohan has been arrested and rehabilitated for drug charges.

Also, give her a little health lesson explaining the dangers of regular marijuana use to the brain.

If she's addicted to meth or crack, explain to her what that stuff does to her teeth, because let's face facts, after her boobs and internal organs, your wife's teeth is the most important part of her body. Trust me, I know.

Now, I'm probably going to conclude that your wife is probably...[edit]

Sergeant Elias, a role for which Willem Dafoe was nominated for Best Actor in a Supporting Role, although Tom Berenger, for his role as the also-nominated Bob Barnes, killed him to it, although both ultimately lost to Michael Caine for his performance in that shitty comedy Hannah and her Sisters.

Sergeant Elias Grodin, the pot-smoking hippie sergeant from Platoon. Oh wait, that couldn't work because he's a man, even though he was a pot-smoker and even introduced Charlie Sheen to a lifelong love with pot. And beyond that, it couldn't be because Elias is in Heaven now, drunk as a fucking monkey and smoking some shit.

Even though, this isn't exactly related, it still brings to me a great point.

You see, Oliver Stone's movie Platoon has a lot more pop psychology than you would think. The id is represented by the ruthless Barnes (Tom Berenger), the superego is represented by the peace-loving Elias (Willem Dafoe) and in between the two extremes is the ego, the young, naive Chris Taylor (Charlie Sheen). Now both Barnes and Elias want Taylor for themselves. Barnes wants Taylor to lose it and do things that normal society would look at in disgust, while Elias wants Taylor to only kill if it's necessary. Taylor the ego must choose between the approval of Barnes the id and Elias the superego, but both can ruin him if left unchecked.

As you can see, Elias was the good guy because he didn't want to fight anybody, but would if he had to, and was always patient with his men and would only kill or force others to kill a Vietcong if it was for America; and was ultimately killed by Barnes the id, although Taylor the ego ultimately got back at Barnes. Really, pot-smoking was just a flaw because Elias wanted to escape the horror going on all around him, but ultimately he was the superego, because he was the voice of rationality for Taylor. Not only was Stone's passion play Platoon the clear choice for Best Picture of 1986, but it's a great example of instinct vs. society. But that's beyond the point.

Also, although I love Willem Dafoe as Sergeant Elias in particular, some of the other stuff in his catalogue was good too. He played Gill in Finding Nemo if you don't remember.

But anyway........

Back to what I was talking about. The next step[edit]

What you should do next is steal all your wife's drugs - and I mean all of it, even the one she's hiding behind the Pringles - and give it all to me.

Thank you, now if you'll excuse me.......[edit]

Whoa, these hands are so huge, man.



I just.......


*blinks uncontrollably*

This is good shit.

*stares at hands*

Whoa, these hands, they're so huge. It's like a city or something.

Whoa dude, your head's so big. It's like your that guy in the Airhead commercial.

I'm hungry......Where's that family-sized bag of Lays?

*rips open bag, starts eating*



*finishes eating the bag, accidentally tears a hole through the bottom*


*heads back into the kitchen, starts baking a pie*


You look so funny, man!

So dude, the government's out to get us all or something.

Goddamn, I am fucked up.

What she put into this shit?

Fuck, this is some of the best weed I've ever had, even better than the stuff Willie Nelson gave me, and fuck, was that good.

I love you.

Fuck this is good shit.

Damn, this is good shit. I need me more some joints.

I want to go to Sonic, get some burgers, chicken strips, them sodas, shakes and shit. I just want to chill out and shit.

Daft Punk

Let's get some music. I wanna listen to some Daft Punk right now.

Rock, robot cock. Rock, robot cock.

Damn, this weed is good!

Well, I hope this solves your better with your wife, sir.