Why?:Everybody hates surfers

“Everybody hates surfers.”

– Captain Obvious on surfers

“surfers don't care about black people.”

– Kanye West on surfers

“Sweet Mary, do they get on my tits.”

– Oscar Wilde on surfers

“I hate them so much.”

– you on surfers

Everybody hates surfers. It's true. A recent study found that 99% of people hate surfers. Groups noted for their particular hatred of surfers include chavs, metalheads, punks, old bastards, the Coast Guard, politicians, the Irish, alcoholics, the Royal Navy, petty criminals, single parents, Oxford alumni, badgers, skaters, fish (particularly sharks), the homeless, Democrat voters, Republican voters, taxi drivers, and you. Also, most surfers hate themselves, and each other.

Spotting a surfer

Surfers are generally quite easy spot. They could be carrying a surfboard, talking about catching awesome breakers, or, in rare circumstances, actually surfing. However, sometimes it is possible for surfers to go unrecognised, although they are still subject to intense hatred. In fact, you may hate one or more surfers without even realising it. Here's a simple test for determining whether somebody is a surfer.

1. Do you hate them?
2. Does everybody else hate them?
3. Are they Californian?
4. Are they topless, or wearing a wetsuit, despite being nowhere near the beach?
5. Do they have long, golden hair?
6. Do they overuse the phrases "dude", "awesome", "radical" or "tubular"?
7. As a matter of fact, do they use any of the above phrases at all?
8. Do they think they're cool, but nobody else does?
9. Are they, like, totally eco and down with Mother Earth, but in a way that doesn't require them to change their lifestyle in any way?
10. Are they unaware that it is no longer the 1970s?
11. Do they go on about surfing the whole time?

If the answer to any of these questions is yes, they are probably a surfer. However, the following test is simpler: do they surf? If so, they're probably not a surfer, as actual surfers spend almost none of their time actually surfing.

Things to do with surfers, but that you don't have to hate

Surf rock

Groovy instrumentals that were popular in the pre-Beatles 60s, and later among hipsters; you don't have to hate surf rock, as most of the original bands hated their surfing audience, and played the music cynically for the money. Quentin Tarantino is a good example of a massive douchebag who likes surf rock but nonetheless doesn't actually surf. Actually, forget surfing entirely. Quentin Tarantino is just a good example of a massive douchebag.

The word "dude"...

...when it is used ironically.

The sea

It's actually quite cool, actually - which is all the more reason to hate surfers for ruining it.

Everybody hates surfers in popular culture

The original premise of the hit film Jaws was that it would contain nothing but shots of surfers being torn apart by sharks. Once Steven Spielberg became attached as director, however, he demanded a rewrite focusing on Jaws' relationship with his estranged father. However, the public's general hatred of surfers was still enough to carry the film to box-office success.

Point Break also achieved box office success; it is the story of one FBI agent who becomes deranged due to his hatred of surfers, and vows to hunt down and kill each and every one of them. This mission is given the green light by the FBI, as they too hate surfers. The film included a number of most enjoyable sequences in which surfers are killed horribly, and audiences also got to laugh at the surfers' pathetic attempts at philosophy.

Also, the popular television show Everybody Loves Raymond was originally to be titled Everybody Hates Surfers, but Ray Romano found the idea of playing a surfer so abhorrent that he, too, demanded a rewrite.