This article is part of Uncyclopedia's Why? series. See more Why's?
Everyone loves to be given stuff, and some might think that religious events such as Christmas can be best for this, especially when you are younger, but why birthdays are better is because unlike Christmas you don't have to give anything to anyone else, and it's just about you! Birthday celebrations are part of that attention grab. Many people who don't celebrate their birthday have more chance to die earlier. No one wants to die earlier. However, it's still annoying as hell, because even when you think you have everything under control, it might happen that people you don't like at all invite themselves to your party.
Yes, children. Once you publish your event on one or another social medium like Fashbook, your fwends (even those who you haven't seen in years) suddenly appear to be alive, which manifests through a moment when a load of people want to PM you. Not unsurmountably on a moment when you have to go to the toilet. You ask them how they are, how their flawless career is and... and... their children... Yes, they want to bring the whole familiy with them. Physically disproportional dwarfs glancing at you as if you were bloody Postman Pat or so. And the worst thing of all: they like you.
Ways to get rid of them do *not* exist. You can't achieve many more successes than a desperate "go and eat a fucking banana". Something that you can do is anticipating for their interest fields. You can try as follows:
- Capture your neighbour's cat. Children adore cats. Just don't let it pee on the floor while you're busy.
- Rent a clown. Clowns are often nightmares to children. However, consider this when you're absolutely sure these children are afraid of them. Don't pay your clown if you feel unsatisfied about his terror.
- Free internet games. Children love it. Be sure to move your porn collection to a safe place.
- Don't attempt to empoison your guests. They will just become so upset that they will arrange a new party for you (something you don't want, mkay??!). The children will feel more attracted by you, because they start to associate your being as favourable (you = party).
- Have a nudist party (surprise!). Sit next to their children in the sofas. Get a boner.
Like we said, don't empoison your guests. However, there is an option to make your guests feel reluctant to come to other parties arranged by you: make as much cake as you can. Or try to cheat them in a way:
- Build a gigantic cake of wood. Cover it with cream, so your guests think it is an actual giantic cake.
- In stead of strawberries, you ornate it with limes. Mix some sand and garlic in it.
Doesn't work out?
A pity, but at least you have tried. Now, there is one more fundamental task to fulfill: make people aware that you are - as a matter of fact - not getting older. It might help you.