Why?:Become a Butcher
I'm here to tell you why you should become a butcher. Has it been yet another long day for you? You woke up in the morning and dressed up in your uncomfortable "business" suit. You groaned as you put your infuriating tie on. You arranged your gargantuan piles of notes while whining to yourself. And when you came back in the evening, you found yourself greeted by yet another immense pile of paperwork. You suddenly stop in your tracks and think: Why am I doing this?
That's right! You shouldn't be doing this kind of work. Why go to your office and slug it out all day, when you can be in a nice, warm room. Also, you don't need to do much work. Just strain a few muscles, then presto! The job's done!
"How?" I hear you ask. Why, that's simple. Just read on, and you'll know why you should be a butcher.
Why be a butcher?
Are you aware of the greenhouse effect? Did you know that electricity contributes to the destruction of the planet through greenhouse emissions? And did you know that when you play Halo, you use the PS3, and hence you use electricity.
Think of what you are doing! You are contributing to our planet's death by playing games. Yes, it's the ugly truth.
By being a butcher, you wouldn't need to waste electricity! Amazing, right? Well, that's because you don't need some sort of "electric super-duper knife". All you need to do is to swing your arm with some sort of quality knife, kill some creature, and cut it. It's that easy! No electricity wasted! You can be the hero of your planet. Visualize yourself walking down a red carpet, with people cheering your name!
Of course, the knife has to be of higher quality! Blunt knives won't get you anywhere in this cat-eat-cat world. You need a knife, and you must get a good knife. $4369 for a single knife is a great price, still.
Make people scared of you
I used to catch the train home on a daily basis, and the trains are generally crowded - standing room only. If you're 5 foot tall you get the opportunity to smell what's happening in other people's armpits type of crowded. Now this guy got on the train one day who I would have guessed was an apprentice judging by his age. He opened up his bag, and pulled out a HUGE knife, and started to sharpen it. When he'd finished with the first, he'd pull out a second. It was amazing the amount of respect he had. Nobody wanted to be anywhere near his personal space.
Think! The man could be you as long as you become a butcher, and if you buy sharp knives. It always helps to look dangerous. You'll command lots of fear and respect if you buy a good knife and become a butcher.
Spend less, earn more!
Another plus point is that you can save money - instead, you get free money! Butchers don't need to pay if they want to kill. They just get people to pay them to kill. So basically you get to do lots of things - kill, destroy - and get free money at the same time. That's pretty hard to get.
Most businesses require money to start businesses. You don't expect Bill Gates to suddenly conjure up a company without investing in it, don't you? But in a butcher business, you don't need to do any of that. All you need to do is to pay big cash, just about $4639, for the sharp knives, and you can do whatever you want. Cut, chop, slice - all these things for the price of the sharp knife. But remember, you need a sharp knife in order to be a great and successful butcher. From there, the bacon will roll in. Simple!
You can show off, for one
Many other people lack the intrinsic capability to show off. They lead simple, banal lives - sedentary work. Sit down on the chair, write, type, write, type. Almost everyone does that, and there's only one word to describe those kind of people: Noob.
However, if you become a butcher, you'll be able to be different. All those little people out there are just the same, and only you are different. You know how that feels? Ask Hillary Clinton. She's one heck of a special person.
More reasons for your viewing pleasure
You'll have a fancy name
Butcher. Nice name, isn't it? That's nicer than the old, boring "manager". Better than the lousy name "Chief Executive Officer", whatever that is. Way better than the "Road Sweeper" Title. Those suck.
Think of it. All those people out there have similar job titles, but if you become a butcher, you'll be unique. I mean, don't you think all those people with the title "employee" are pitiful? I'm confident there's at least 10 billion people out there with that job title. However, very few people have the job title "butcher". Maybe one. Or Two.
And "butcher" might win Scrabble! The word BUTCHER gets 12 points, and assuming the letter "H" goes on a triple letter tile, and any other letter somehow lands on a triple word tile, you'll get 60 points. And using seven letters, you'll get an extra fifty points - 110 points! That's more than I have ever got before, I tell you.
And think! All you need for this profession is a sharp knife. Once you start earning some cheddar, you can open a company. From there, you can recruit more and more people, and expand your company. Then, you can take over Microsoft (sorry, Bill) and rule the whole world! And all these and more for a sharp knife. Even a million dollars is worth it.
And you'll train your biceps
There are only two jobs that allow you to train your muscles - President and Butcher. Presidents swat flies, exercising their arm muscles, and butchers cut meat. So you can train your biceps. Look at you! Your flabby arms, your fat chest! Disgusting! But if you become a butcher, you'll be able to get intensive training. Your fats will be gone in a matter of seconds! Your six-pack's coming if you buy a knife and become a butcher. Being a butcher is a unique job which requires lots of strength, not forgetting a sharp knife.
Other jobs, like gym instructors, don't require muscles. Those people just point at other people, or scribble on pieces of paper. And you won't need muscles.
So be a butcher today!
This article is part of Uncyclopedia's Why? series. See more Why's?
Being a butcher is great, so why don't you be a butcher today! Oh, and one more thing. If you want to be a good butcher, and if you want to earn lots and lots of money, you need a sharp knife. And that's why we here at GongGongTM Company have a special 80% discount on our super-sharp knives, which means a cheap price of $4,963. Yes, high-quality knives. Ideal for the rookie butcher. Yeah, cheap. Only $4963.
These quality knives usually cost $7,135 for this knife, but today only as a special offer for you it is only $4,963. That's nearly $2,200 back in your pocket. Would you like to have $2,200 in your pocket?
Wouldn't you love to earn lots of money? Wouldn't you love to command respect from everyone you know? So I'll put you down for the GongGong™ platinum premium package now then? Only $4,963 per month for the next 24 months?
It's a great deal, no? Cheap and nice!
What? No! We're not conmen! We are not trying to deceive you. We are a proper registered company.
Don't go! Our knives are really good. Perfect. Really.
Wait... Shit. You suck.