West Coast Rap

Whoops! Maybe you were looking for Disneyland?

Slick Rick may be shy and not from the west coast, but it is clear that he uses Vaseline and the pirate factor is indeed strong with this one. He also plays volleyball.

“You gotta ball till' you fall.”

~ Snoop Dogg on giving pep-talk before the volleyball championships

West Coast hip hop is a hip hop music subgenre dat encompasses any artists or music dat originates in da westernmost region of da United States, as opposed ta East Coast hip hop, based originally in New York alone. The gangsta rap subgenre of West Coast hip hop began ta dominate from a radio play and sales standpoint durin da early 1990s - aww yea foo.

In the Beginning

Whilst performing open-heart surgery, the ‘fresh beats’ blasted out by the heart monitor caused Dr Dre to realise where his true talents lay. On that day, he botched his patients’ surgery, but discovered how to be himself. Dre hung up his doctors’ coat, and donned a plain black shirt-the uniform of a doctor of flow. The good doctor spent days in his lab, conducting experiments whilst gazing at a portrait of his idol, Mozart. Finally, Dre found a method of creating music, without the use of singing, musical instruments, or talent. It was named rap,after his prized bunny rabbit of the same name.It seemed the genius of Dre was limitless as he was able to transform a stray Labrador named Snoop Dogg into a Hip Hop star. Dre and Snoop devised a theorem which remains the basis of all modern rap lyrics today: Mention the area in which you grew up in thirty or so times, introduce yourself repeatedly and replace all nouns with 'Mutha Fucka'. Dr Dre didn’t stop there. He created hundreds of factories all over California, which transformed stray dogs, cats and hippopotamuses (in the case of Rick Ross, who managed to escape to the East Coast) into rap composers.

What’s with the chains?

The N.W.A at a 2010 reunion.

Rappers have been known to wear hundreds of tonnes of golden chain around their necks. After extensive research, the worlds leading scientists have discovered that the golden chains are in fact part of a rapper's bone structure, explaining why they seem to don the chains every waking moment of every day. Shortly after this groundbreaking study, it was realised that rappers are the descendents of swashbuckling pirates, hence the need to add chains to their own biological chain structure, which is rumoured to be the source of immortality.

N.W.A

Originally standing for ‘N00bs Without (female) Attention’, a group of computer programmers decided to make music aimed specifically against the police, who had destroyed computers containing the makings of ‘World of Warcraft’, but not before stealing the idea for themselves. The group contained ‘Fire Cube’, former Cardiologist ‘Dr Dre’, ‘Difficult E’, ‘DJ REDA’ and ‘McDonough’; all of who had graduated from Harvard N00b school. The group were notorious for sending harmful computer viruses to the police or anyone who was deemed a ‘hater’. Most of the group also sold software before its designated release date, particularly hardened software dealer ‘Difficult E’, who earned his nickname after taming an elephant, a task far from eazy. N.W.A have been named the forerunners of West Coast Rap by fellow rapper and descendant of famous music composer, Flowsart. In 1989, the group challenged Bill Gates and his crew ‘Microhard’ to a rap-duel, with Gates walking away the victor, securing the rights to the Microsoft Corporation, a company co-founded by the N.W.A.

Getting around the West Coast

A typical West Coast 'ride' before take-off

To get around the West Coast in one piece, Rappers drive cars originally built for Troll people, hence their vehicles massive size. Also, to ensure their ‘rides’ are doused in sacred magpie shit, they are made so shiny they are visible from high up in the sky. Rappers are known for their excellent architectural contributions around the world, such as the majority of the Disney Land attractions. This is why West Coast cars belonging to rapper-folk have the ability to move much like a rollercoaster in that they hop all over the place creating the illusion that the ‘rider’ is enjoying a trip to Disney Land. Due to an absence of the penis, West Coast rappers instead compare the size of each others ‘rims’, and their ability to spin for hours after use.

GatNotes

• Besides helping recovering sex addicts with songs such as 'Lets get Blown', Snoop Dogg has been sighted selling ice cream and smack to people young and old at Long Beach pleasure resort.