Wee Kia
‘Wee Kia’ (real name unknown) is an 18-year-old Scottish girl who came to the media’s attention last year as a sufferer of Uncyclopediphobia, a rare condition which causes a pathological fear of penises and breasts.
Genesis[edit | edit source]
Kia was raised on Sog, a remote island to the north of the Scottish mainland, and as a result had very little contact with human beings apart from her father. It was only when she began to attend the local primary school in 2011 that her condition manifested itself.
Mrs McGooey, the butch but friendly teacher at the school, told BBC News at the time: “One of the other bairns was going through that phase where she’d lift up her frock and gi’e folk a look for some shortbreid or a toffee. Ah used tae turn a blin’ eye tae it maself, but little Wee Kia jist went totally off her heed und screamed and screamed.”
The incident was initially written off as a typical infantile moment of distress, and it was some time before Wee Kia’s carers got to the bottom of it (Kia is not crazy about bottoms either). Several similar incidents led Mrs McGooey to posit a correlation between Wee Kia’s discomfort and the presence of breasts or genitals. Wee Kia’s father confirmed the hypothesis by exposing himself to his daughter in the bathroom of their mountain home and Wee Kia was soon removed from the school and kept at home, where there were no breasts and fewer genitals present.
Media Interest[edit | edit source]
The strange news rippled through the community, but as the population of Sog is only 67, it was not until the weekly ferry made its stop at the island’s single beach that the rumours bobbed back to the mainland.
Within weeks, the once sleepy island was a hub of activity, with two BBC Scotland crews interviewing locals and pointing their camera at things.
Wee Kia and her father were initially resistant to intrusion from the press, and the fact that all the BBC presenters had either genitals or breasts (or in some cases, both) meant that interviewing the girl was impossible.
No progress was made until pop sensation Justin Bieber heard of the news. Bieber, who was on the British leg of his Keep Your Sexy Panties On world tour, made a spontaneous trip to Sog.
The islanders were initially wary of him, and attempted to sacrifice him to their Wicker Man God, but he managed to escape when his film crew distracted his would be executioners with a shiny pocket watch.
Bieber, quietly entering Wee Kia’s house, raising the ceremonial kilt he had bought for the occasion, and revealing his smooth, sexless crotch to the nervous young girl, became the first person outside the family home able to sit with her, and Wee Kia’s story was finally brought to light.
Bieber told the Disney Channel after the interview, "I have devoted my life and career to not HAVING SEX, so I feel a natural affinity with anyone who doesn't WANT SEX, and while I'm concerned that Wee Kia's fear of PENISES and BREASTS might make it HARD for her to lead a normal life, I totally respect her anti-SEXUAL philosphy." Addressing his fans, he added, "Like Wee Kia, I would like you all to save your VIRGINITY for someone special."
He then winked and pouted at the camera.
'Content Warning'[edit | edit source]
There have been suggestions that for an extended period Wee Kia took to wearing a t shirt bearing a 'content warning' message, alerting those around her that she was offended by a number of themes and images.
A local journalist claimed that the t-shirt read "Please do not transmit to me anything that is obscene, pornographic, abusive, offensive, profane, or otherwise violates any law or right of any third party, or content that contains homophobia, ethnic slurs, religious intolerance, or encourages criminal conduct".
Photographic evidence of the t-shirt is inconclusive however. The only existing photo of the t-shirt was taken during a lightning storm, and visibility is poor.
Fundraising scandal[edit | edit source]
Concerned citizens started fundraising initiatives to pay for Wee Kia’s therapy, but as so little is known as to why penises or breasts would really be a great source of discomfort for anyone, it is not presently clear as to where the money has gone, or indeed what the treatment would entail.
Mrs McGooey, often used in photographs related to the fundraising, suddenly disappeared from Sog, after allegedly stealing thousands of pounds from Wee Kia's fund.
Rumours on Encyclopedia Dramatica suggest that she has been seen in several resorts on the isle of Lesbos, but this may just be the work of an adolescent punster.
Hannah McGurnicle, a one-time colleague of Mrs McGooey, has also claimed that McGooey had told her she was going to use the money to pay for 'servers', thought to be slang for lesbian slaves.
Possible treatment[edit | edit source]
A group of experts founded the Foundation Of Wee Kia (FOWK, known colloquially as The Fork) and published an open letter in the Sog Telegraph proposing that the money raised be used to fund a behaviourist treatment for Wee Kia, based on the concept of exposure therapy.
The technique would have involved the creation of a programme of steadily escalating steps of exposing Wee Kia to what provoked her phobic response, with the objective of working towards a "non-phobic" response.
The initial response locally to such a violent method was lukewarm and soon turned negative after it was revealed that the methodology was based on questionable "peek-a-boo" techniques involving images such as the one shown here.
Mayor of Sog Clayton McBoris summed up what many were thinking at the time, saying, "We're not saying that Wee Kia is in a good state, but showing filthy pictures like this [gesturing to extensive slideshow of offensive images] to a wee bairn isnae right either.
"Frankly, we'd rather one of our Soggians be a wee bit too conservative than go the other way, like these liberal leftie psychologists, who are all breasts one minute, then c*** flashers and penis man the next."
Prominent local citizen Spike McNewhaven added, "We don't want the Yuky Doody brigade [the Fork] coming over here and messing with our folk. Sog has been a happy little island for centuries. You can't build a civilisation of 5 dozen people without all the families working closely together, and that's what we'll do for Wee Kia. Just give me 5 minutes with her, I'll show her what's what."
Wee Kia’s own output[edit | edit source]
Amidst doubt about her future, Wee Kia has started a blog online, in which she writes about her condition and her hopes for the future.
Much of her output is as bland and banal as you would expect from an 18-year-old, dividing itself into reposting of widely disseminated spread tweets and meme-based pictures by people like George Takei.
However, her most recent posting caused some controversy, as she outlined her dream of a future world, in which she could run a sort of foster home on her island, where she would act as the ‘host’ parent for a number of children who had had their breasts and genitals removed.