New messages at the bottom, please. Maybe.
Was this how it is done? RAPE ME!! -- Style Guide 19:27, December 17, 2009 (UTC)
Please don't flood the page much - I'll not be around to clear it off too often. -- Style Guide 19:47, December 17, 2009 (UTC)
Did I show you my new welcome message yet?[edit source]
Hello Multiliteralist, and welcome to Uncyclopedia! Thank you for registering an account. I hope you like the place and decide to stay. If not, the door's right over there... no, a little more to your left... Yes. You seem to have a sense of humor, but to be sure that it corresponds to the kind of humor that is accepted on this site, I suggest checking out the following links:
- Beginner's Guide - A massive guide about how to be the best you can be at Uncyclopedia. I've honestly never read the whole thing in one sitting myself, but it is very useful if you're looking for help on a specific issue.
- How to be funny and not just stupid - Our flagship link. This will tell you how to not get booed off the metaphorical stage that is Uncyclopedia. I STRONGLY suggest reading the entire thing through, perhaps more than once.
- Our Vanity Policies - This page details why we don't care about your friends, your school, your gay fourth period math teacher, or the homework he has you do, and in-jokes. DO NOT violate these rules.
- Uncyclopedia:Best of - For a bit of inspiration. These are our featured articles. This is the kind of stuff we like to read around here.
Now that that's out of the way, just continue reading and you'll notice some more links. These ones are about help in general:
At Uncyclopedia, writing articles is not a requirement, but I do recommend it, it can be quite enjoyable, and it's a good chance to let others take notice of your writing. To write an article, it's recommended that you start it in your userspace (for example, User:Multiliteralist/Article about stuff) so you can edit it at your leisure. If you decide to create it in the cold world of mainspace, make sure it is in accordance with the policies laid out above, and if you're not done put the "Work-In-Progress" template - {{construction}} - onto it as well.
If you want to write and don't know where to begin, consider browsing our rewrite and idea categories. There's also a page with requested articles, if you'd rather start from scratch. We have lots of articles and red links just sitting around waiting to be edited, so don't be afraid - dive right in!
If you need help, ask me on my talkpage, ask at the Dump, or ask an administrator on their talkpage. Additionally, the Adopt-a-Noob program is there to bring experienced editors straight to you. Simply leave a message on an adopter's talkpage to join. I hope you enjoy editing here and being an Uncyclopedian, and remember: Have fun with it. We're all here to have a good time and a good laugh. Please sign your name on talkpages using four tildes (~~~~) or use the "sign" button () above the edit box. Again, welcome!
—Sir Socky (talk) (stalk) GUN SotM UotM PMotM UotY PotM WotM 14:31, 18 December 2009
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Also, rape! —Sir Socky (talk) (stalk) GUN SotM UotM PMotM UotY PotM WotM 14:31, 18 December 2009
Notedation Up-to-dation[edit source]
I'm going out for some errands and lunch now, I'll probably return in about two hours. If you won't be here then, I'll be around anytime within the twelve hours following that time, for the most part. If that doesn't work, than you sir have almost as poor a sleeping schedule as I do. -RAHB 21:45, December 17, 2009 (UTC)
Don't go. :( • • • Necropaxx (T) {~} Thursday, 23:45, Dec 17 2009
User:Zana Dark/Templates/Purple Nurples/4
Before you go... :( ~Formerly Annoying Crap 23:00, 18 December 2009
Hi, I have just wrote an article that parodies the social phenomenon on Uncyclopedia known as Drama. Seeing as its become a bit of a problem in the past few months (years?) I thought it would be quite cool to make a section at the bottom of the article about other users' opinions of Drama. So I thought I'd invite you to write one, preferably humourous. It's no big deal if you don't want to, but if you are interested, you can come up with a quote and either leave it here on your talk page and I'll add it later, or you can go straight to the article itself and add it there. Any suggestions on improvement are also welcome. Thnx. --Matfen 00:42, December 21, 2009 (UTC)
Article link here.
- Where was that article's link again? ~ Avast Matey!!! Happytimes are here!* (talk) (stalk) Π ~ ~ 10:47, December 21, 2009 (UTC)
Don't leave me this way[edit source]
I can't exist without your tender kiss. Don't leave me this way. Pup
- Come on, we both knew at the time it was a one-off. Now it seems one of us has forgotten. Which of us was it, by the way? -- Style Guide 11:44, December 21, 2009 (UTC)
- Well, you still have the mix tape that I gave you in the car, so it can't have been me. (Shame you don't have a tape deck at all.) Pup
Grats on the FA. Did the PEE review help at all? Pup
On a personal note...[edit source]
While we may be disagreeing on a certain forum, I like you, I like your stuff, I voted for some of it, I think, and will be sad to see you go if you do. Just thought I'd mention that, in case you think otherwise based on that discussion! --UU - natter 12:35, Dec 22
- What he said. If I told you to bugger off I wouldn't be being true to myself. ~ Avast Matey!!! Happytimes are here!* (talk) (stalk) Π ~ ~ 05:57, December 23, 2009 (UTC)
Take care of yourself man. Remember to at least drop by the dump occasionally, ok? -OptyC Sucks! CUN18:26, 23 Dec
Okay, here's the deal[edit source]
Last night I had a very serious and frightening medical scare. I'm going to the doctor today to figure out whether it may have been a minor stroke, non-serious seizure, or Transient Ischemic Attack, or perhaps something else. As a result, I'm afraid I'm going to have to pull out of everything I'm doing for the current time being. As much as I love this article and working with you on it, I'm not going to be able to add in my two cents by Christmas. After that I've still got two weeks till my trip, so I can add then if you wish. As this is your baby, I'll let you decide which road to take at this point, but I do think that it should be finished and I won't hesitate to nominate it with my full support if you decide on finishing it yourself at this point. I'm deeply regrettable about this situation, but I'm also pretty set on this way of going about things. I realize I need to make a few lifestyle changes and give myself ample relaxation time if this thing is as serious as I hope it isn't.
If by some miracle the doctor tells me that absolutely nothing is wrong with me, I'll be telling you to completely disregard the above message, and making a maddening addition of content the likes of which have never been seen as my final contribution of 2009. I'll keep you updated as this develops. -RAHB 19:01, December 23, 2009 (UTC)
UnSignpost Delivery! - December something![edit source]
The Newspaper that took a long enough vacation to make former President Bush jealous.
December 17th, 2009• Issue 70 • Fuck You! I Felt Like It!
UnSignpost and random editor return from two month break, find that not much has changed
- By THEDUDEMAN
After 2 months, one would think that things would change. But from the looks of it, nothing really has for Uncyclopedia in the past few months with out UnSignpost. In particular, the problems in caring, changing things, doing other things and caring have gone from the problems of two months ago, to the problems of now, with nothing really changing. The causes of these problems, discovered after much digging through archives seems to be the general Nobody cares aditude of the site, and the general populations inability to really change anything, because they don't care. A random user who had been missing since around the last issue of UnSignpost made this comment.
"Well, when I left, uncyc had been having its own problems and everyone had been complaining about the same things for some time and nobody really cared enough to do anything, or just couldn't make anything happen." says THEDUDEMAN, who had been missing since late September. "I thought I'd come back and see what was happening in the world of Uncyclopedia, and by the looks of it, nothing has changed"
While the general population of Uncyclopedia has been alerted to these aging problems, nobody has raised any fuss to get any of them solved. It seems nothing will ever happen because as they all say, nobody cares.
UU notices return of USP, hijacks article for own nefarious ends
- By UU
Yeah, that title pretty much gives it away - evil admin UU has hijacked this section of the USP to announce two festive initiatives: the Mince Pie contest, and the Ban Parto-ho-ho-l, both of which are to be found on his userpage. So if you think you can eat more mince pies this Christmas than UU or current runaway leader Barry Gibb of Bee Gees fame, or if you want to request a friendly festive joke ban for one of your Uncyc chums, get yourselves across to the most festive userpage on the wiki!
YOU ARE ALL LAZY TALLYWHACKERS! An Editorial.
- By The Woodburninator
Alright you lazy sons of bitches (no offense to Zana, of course), what in the hell have you been doing these last few months? Gerry takes time away from this awful place for, like 3 months, and no one is able to do a single UnSignpost? Not once. SINCE OCTOBER! Have we as a community forgotten the fine, upstanding tradition that this here barely read online journal has kept going since May of 2008? It is time for a little history lesson boys and girls (No offense to Zombiebaron, of course).
The Post was started by Cajek and Skully in May of 2008. That's really as far as I got with my research though, so I guess your history lesson is over. Regardless, how many amazing stories have been broken from the fine investigative journaling over the years? Like the time we broke the story that the UnSignpost was starting up. Or the time we told everyone Spang's talkpage was destroying the Wikia servers. A problem that still haunts us today. Without this venerable post, those stories never would have been unleashed upon the moronic and ignorant public that includes you, who are both a moron and ignorant. We need this thing to bring us the news, and make us laugh. We need this thing for the sake of parody. But, above anything else, we need this post in order to waste Dexter's time when he's forced to deliver them. Have you seen his edits around here over the past few weeks? That guy's getting to be WAY too useful, and if we don't stop him now, who knows what he'll do next. Fix VFH? Win Last person to edit wins? Nip this in the bud Uncyc. Nip this in the fucking bud.
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From our logs:
- 19:53, December 15, 2009 Mordillo blocked Bobbinator with an expiry time of infinite (end of the line, fuckwit. I'm going to track down your IP address and report it to the abuse department of your ISP. run and hide motherfucker, run and hide.)
- 16:56, December 15, 2009 Under user blocked 209.175.13.46 with an expiry time of 1 month (oy, fuck off. no blanking, no cyberbullying, and NO personal details like phone numbers. GTFO.)
- 13:20, December 15, 2009 Mordillo blocked 199.43.172.254 with an expiry time of infinite ("199.43.172.254, causing trouble since 2005")
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BIOPIC OF THE WEEK
AH, WHAT CAN BE SAID ABOUT THEDUDEMAN? THE GUY EXHUDES DUDLINESS AT ALL TIMES DURING HIS TIME HERE. HE WON UNCYCLOPEDIAN OF THE MONTH IN AUGUST OF 2009. HE WON A PLS WHEN HE RE-WROTE DUDE, AN ARTICLE THAT LATER GOT FEATURED, AND FROM WHICH HE TAKES HIS NAMESAKE. HE HALFHEARTEDLY EVEN TRIED TO START THIS EDITION. HAS HE DONE OTHER THINGS THAT ARE COOL, NOTEWORTHY, AND I SHOULD BE TELLING YOU ABOUT? PROBABLY. BUT RESEARCHING ANY OF THAT WOULD FORCE ME TO GO ONTO HIS USERPAGE, AND SINCE I AM AT WORK, I AM UNABLE TO ACTUALY DO THAT. INSTEAD I'LL JUST STICK TO THE ALL CAPS GIMMICK IN A COY TIE-IN TO HIS NAME. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THEDUDEMAN.
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Quote of the Week
<zim_ulator> no penis involved here
LadyCS has left #uncyclopedia
<DrSkullthumper> You just lost LadyCS's interest
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Old School Featured Article of the Week MonthTri-Month
Let Someone Else Do It tm is every intelligent person's philosophy of life. There are plenty of things that if we stop doing them for a long enough time, some other sucker with less patience and a greater sense of responsibility will do them instead. This is an established law of our social reality, and it is our obligation to uphold it.
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VFD Keep vote of the week.
- Keep The less use something is, the more I identify with it. mAttlobster. (hello) 22:41, December 28, 2009 (UTC)
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UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox
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Late deliver courtesy of MegaPleb • Dexter111344 • Complain here 23:56, December 29, 2009 (UTC)
Ve haff rekorded your viße decision to pürchase der Mutter - Mein Endlosung collectible doll und are überjoyed to be able to inform you dat as a reßült you haff earned der gratitude of der Party.
Hey, you voted for my article on VFH and helped make it a feature.[edit source]
8===========D~ ~ ~ ~O:
And I'm too lazy to make a proper template for it. Thanks! sausage lol 18:51, January 7, 2010 (UTC)
Best used in the Bedroom[edit source]
User:Zana Dark/Templates/Purple Nurples/7
I hope you don't plan on staying away too long. ~Formerly Annoying Crap 06:18, 8 January 2010
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HITLER AND MUSSOLINI INVADED COUNTRIES
THANK YOU TEMPLATES INVADE TALK PAGES
TEMPLATES ARE LIKE HITLER AND MUSSOLINI
A vote "For" an article on VFH is a vote "For" Hitler and Mussolini!!
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Every "against" vote KILLS A JAP! -- 13:35, January 12, 2010 (UTC)
UnSignpost January several-days-agoth[edit source]
The Newspaper That Won't Judge You!
Jan 14th, 2010 • Issue71 • Keeping You Guessing
Uncyclopedia Voting Season Arrives, Users Driven To Voting Frenzy
- By UU
'Tis the season to abstain with extreme prejudice! Yes, every anal-retentive voting obsessive's favourite time of the year has arrived: January marks the point of the year when the awards for the best things of the previous year are voted on! If that's not an oxymoron on a site that is acknowledged to be the worst, of course. This poll-packed month sees WotY, UotY and PotY join (deep breath) WotM, UotM, PotM, NotM, AotM, RotM, EGA, FP, PWotM, ANOTM, Top 10 o' the month, UGotM, VFH, VFD, VFS and VFP as forums for people to air their opinions, prejudices, minor rivalries and petty jealousies. And as if this wasn't enough voting-related thrills 'n' spills, when the Top 10 articles of December 2009 have been decided, there'll be the Top 10 articles of 2009 proper to vote for!
UnSignpost's fearless reporter and mascot DogNewspaper (pictured) predicts a bumper month for whoring, in-fighting, backstabbing and bitching as users scramble to secure themselves a fleeting moment's recognition from up to several of their peers. Followed by next to no voting in February, as everyone recovers.
From the desk of the Cabal: 2010 ordered to be Drama free
- By The Cabal
As Uncyclopedia drunkenly stumbles into the new decade, barely managing to hold down that spicy dinner it had for lunch, the non-existent cabal would like to wish all residents a happy new year. And by wish we mean order, residents would be subjects and by happy new year we mean fuck you all where communism hasn't failed yet.
Yes ladies and gentlemen, we saw it all in 2009. We saw dozens of forums declaring that we're the worst (which we know), we saw numerous editors leave the front door open on the way out (come on people! it's bloody -7 outside!), we saw epic banninations (the simple joys of life), we saw prolific gay bashing (ideologically pure of course), we saw religious wars over sausages, we saw the worst 100 reflections of 2009 barely close before the midnight of December 31st. You promised in 2008 you wouldn't do that. You failed us.
And so, ladies and gentlemen, we raise our collective arses from the toilet which was 2009, wiping it with the first anniversary edition of the UnSignpost, as this is the only good thing that ever came out of this rag of a newspaper. We would like to ask humbly that the population of Uncyclopedia do the following: Please, for the love of Sophia, remain calm; exit the building in an orderly fashion; remember that objects in the rear view mirror may appear closer than they are; understand that allergen traces may be found in this Uncyclopedia. And always remember the prime directive: you are here to have fun. Or in short - shut the fuck up and go write an article.
Thank you for your undivided attention citizens. You may now remove your muzzles.
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From our logs:
- 09:22, 12 January 2010 Under user (Talk | contribs) blocked 64.40.243.245 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 day ("raccist"? what's that, prejudiced against raccoons?)
- 03:33, 12 January 2010 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) blocked 98.101.196.155 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 week (lol i'm astral projecting an image of two gay guys having sex into your mind or something)
- 19:06, 6 January 2010 Codeine (Talk | contribs) blocked 216.64.230.79 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 day (Nigger to you too, sir.)
- 19:05, 5 January 2010 Mordillo (Talk | contribs) blocked JeChr (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (Jesus is dead. He's not coming back.)
- 23:05, 3 January 2010 TheLedBalloon (Talk | contribs) blocked 98.217.57.240 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 day (That was a waste of an edit. There are edit-starved kids in China that would've used that to its fullest extent, you know.)
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Biopic of the Week
Prowling the corridors of pee review with a light step but a heavy hand, ChiefjusticeDS is Uncyc's reigning king of the golden river. He's reviewed more articles than most Uncyclopedians have read. In their entire lives. And he keeps a benevolent eye on everyone else, making sure there's no stale pee in the pond. If you've had a good review in the last year or so, he probably had a hand in that somewhere. Doff your cap and move on.
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Old-School Featured Article of the Week
HowTo:Run away from home is a guide to every early teenager's ultimate weapon in the never-ending battle with the forces of evil as represented by their parents. Written by Alksub - who most of our readership won't remember - this is exactly what to do next time your parents don't let you stay out late to meet that nice-sounding kid you met over MSN who seemed very keen to hook up and get to know you better!
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Trend of the Year (so far)
Username changing. Username a little short? Lengthen it for no good reason! All the cool kids are doing it, apparently.
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UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox
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I swore I'd never hand-deliver this again. Here it is. --UU - natter 09:50, Jan 18
UnSignpost 21th January 2009[edit source]
The Newspaper that won't leave you the same way they did!
Jan 21st, 2010 • Issue 72 • Yorkshire-style news
Awards of the Year race thrillingly poised
- By UU
Yes folks, as the first month of this new decade lurches slowly and falteringly towards conclusion, the ... of the Year awards showdown is accelerating towards a thrilling climax! Your ever-topical UnSignpost mascot DogNewspaper therefore brings you this essential and timely guide to the runners and riders!.
In the most prestigious award of the lot, Writer of the Year, the race for second place behind prolific funny factory and champion-elect Hype is neck and neck between apparently-no-longer-hirsute TKF fan-club president and feature-machine Guildy and low-profile but high-quality-output, er, feature-machine Sog1970. But wait! There's still a chance they could get caught by the chasing pack of little-known and modest Scouser Mhaille, hetero macho-man Orian57, antipodean canine PuppyOnTheRadio and none-more-metal mosher Monika. Oh, and some other chancers have been nommed without polling a single vote (including DrStrange, who is currently looking likely to become the first Uncyclopedian ever to win WotM twice, but hasn't carried that form over to WotY - odd).
Meanwhile, over at PotY, the race for second place behind Sonje is even closer, with both Modus and some n00b polling a creditable one nom but no votes each! Who will pull ahead by the end of the month? It's a competition you just can't keep your eyes off!
Disappointingly, the UotY vote lets the side down, with seemingly a boring old race for first place between Belgian one-man categorisation whirlwind, maintenance addict, broken thing fixer, BUTT POOP!!! junkie and footwear-as-handwear exponent Socky and handsome English admin who wrote this article and is not in the least bit biased UU. The apparent scramble to be runner-up to whichever of these two is runner-up is far more interesting, as non-stop wikifixer MadMax goes up against Welsh Rarebit RabbiTechno, not-Yorkshire-enough admin Mordillo, vowel-free-zone Mnbvcxz and Moterfucking Nigger Lover Roman Dog Bird. Damned with the faint praise of a nom with no votes in this category are the pants bomber, talk page king FU Spang, human non-sequitur generator Modus and absent but deadly hockey nut Gerry.
And finally, over where it's really at, the NotD cockfight is almost impossible to call! Will plucky outsider RC hold off the challenge of Apple, Apples and Maddie's life? The tension is quite literally unbearable!
But remember kids: whoever "wins", we're all still losers.
And now, your not-at-all-struggling-for-material Signpost brings you... Horoscopes!
- By GlobalTourniquet
- Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - This week, you have a dream, that one day you will be judged not by the color of your skin but by Simon Cowell.
- Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - If Martin Luther King had believed them when they told him "Silence is golden", he never would have accomplished his great work in the cause of civil rights. You, on the other hand, are just a mouthy bitch. Silence is golden.
For the rest of this week's horoscopes in full, see the horoscopes page, obviously.
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From our logs:
- 06:45, 20 January 2010 Dr. Skullthumper (Talk | contribs) blocked I LIKE PIE!!! (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 48 hours (This is your local formatting nazi-admin reminding you to stop undoing people's formatting fixes. Learn to wiki, pl0x. And don't harrass people trying to help.)
- 01:04, 18 January 2010 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) blocked 68.61.194.228 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 week (suspected homophobe. might hate gays. or he's just a faggot.)
- 12:33, 18 January 2010 Codeine (Talk | contribs) blocked 196.12.233.26 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 day (And the Lord said unto me, "Cursed are the page blankers, for they are the least of my creations; take up thy banhammer and smite them")
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Biopic of the Week
Conscientious vote-machine Romartus has been around longer than you might think - kick-starting his Uncyc career with a series of DYK suggestions, before hitting his stride. Known as one of the more "demanding" voters on VFH, Romartus has also been diligently saving some of the less-deserving articles on VFD. He also breeds tropical ferrets. One of the previous statements is a lie, introduced by the biographer in lieu of a joke. Use your skill and judgement to work out which one!
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Old-School Featured Article of the Week
Really Big Tree is an article about a really big tree. This tree is of such an immense size, it is scarcely credible. Few trees deserve their own Uncyclopedia article, but the Really Big Tree deserves its own wiki. You may think you have encountered trees of impressive size before, but you haven't seen a tree at all until you've experienced the Really Big Tree!
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Cajek UnBlock of the week!
- MrN9000 (Talk | contribs) resurrected Cajek (Talk | contribs) (blocking Cajek is Sooooo old school. Unblocking Cajek is the new, new school. Not that I went to school. Obviously.)
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The (probably short-lived) return of UU's Obscure British Dialect Expression of the Week
Were you to find yourself in Norwich, Engerland, you may happen upon a local. Were that local to then say to you "dew yew keep a troshin'", you may find yourself somewhat at a loss for a reasonable response - well, no more! Yes, your ever-useful UnSignpost is here to furnish you with a translation, which is: "take care of yourself". (It comes from "carry on with the threshing", if that helps, although we can't see how it would). So now if you find yourself in Norwich, Engerland, the only thing you have to worry about is getting out of there. Fast!
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UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox
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Also, it's MrN9000's mum's 60th birthday!
9001(bot) 17:36, Jan 21
UnSignpost 28th January 2010[edit source]
The Periodical That Is Too Sexy For Its Shirt, Among Other Things
Jan 28th • Issue 73 • A Periodical. Period.
Continuing Absence Of Certain Users Forces Other Users To Do Things
- By UU
It has come to the notice of our fearless journalists that some users have recently been desperately attempting to fill the gaping void left by the absence of some other users. For instance, in the absence of part-time dinosaur and popular keyboard feature SysRq, Why do I need to provide this? has stepped bravely into the Colonization brief (and has not, for instance, been forcefully volunteered for the task by MrN), dedicating himself to bringing colons where there are none (such is our understanding).
Also bravely stepping into the "ban magnet" position created by the continuing and lamented absence of hyperactive loon Cajek is, well, a plethora of users. Admins, deprived of their favourite joke-ban target, have taken to joke banning anyone in an attempt to get their fix. Even those devoted to doing only good, just and true works have recently been targeted; and as if to prove this very statement, some power-crazed asshole went and joke banned Socky, RabbiTechno and Optimuschris as soon as he'd written this sentence.
Elsewhere, ChiefjusticeDS has been filling the gap left by the absence of someone's enthusiasm for anything pee-related right at the moment by looking after the pee list, taking over as the person with the most in-depth reviews, reviewing everyone else's reviews, and generally not being lazy about it all.
At the same time, the continuing absence of the yellow and black sig of Gerrycheevers has forced grumbling British curmudgeon UU to return to the Wiki's only newspaper, the UnSignpost, churning out issues that are, let's be honest, mere placeholders until Gerry gets his arse back here and writes something worth reading. YOU HEAR ME GERRY? GET THE FUCK BACK HERE NOW DAMMIT!
Rumours that, in the relative absence of Orian57, Roman Dog Bird will take over the position of "token gay" are unconfirmed at the time of going to press.
And finally, in the absence of enough content to make this issue balance out nicely, the UnSignpost is once again resorting to using blatant filler for the first time this year.
Shameless, that's what it is. Complain to someone - it's the only way they'll learn.
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From our logs:
- 20:30, 26 January 2010 Codeine (Talk | contribs) blocked 68.223.27.16 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 day (No-one talks that way about my favourite Jew. Learn some manners or GTFO.)
- 00:48, 26 January 2010 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked Why do I need to provide this? (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 20 minutes (Sometimes I feel, like I've been TIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEDDD to the Whipping Post!!!!)
- 18:19, 24 January 2010 MrN9000 (Talk | contribs) blocked 68.42.246.27 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 year (Toll. Idiot. Whatever. Banned, UnBanned, Banned, Banned. BYE. Try IRC next time. The guys in there will enjoy it.)
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Biopic of the Week
Users today, they barely know they're born. The problem? Too little exposure to Flammable. The permanent curator of the Principal's office rarely deigns to grace us mortals with his presence these days, but the very sight of his rainbow-strewn sig used to inspire fear, dread, terror and, for some reason, carol singing. "While shepherds fed their flocks thermite..."
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Old-School Featured Article of the Week This one's for you, Guildy: HowTo:Be pretentious. Don your black polo-neck, cock a snook at the hoi polloi, and sit back, secure in your superiority, thanks to this indispensable guide!
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Cursory Mention of the Week
CheddarBBQ wanted to be mentioned in this week's Signpost. So he is.
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UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox
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9001(bot) 14:55, Jan 28
UnSignpost 4th February 2010[edit source]
In Pure Russian Fashion, The Newspaper That Reads YOU!!
Feb 4th, 2010 • Issue 74 • Ain't It Uncool? News!
Spang Archives Talkpage; End of World Expected Imminently
- By UU
Renowned Wikia fan, code monkey and sexy admin Spang has performed what many users believe to be the clearest sign to date of impending apocalypse: he's archived his talk page. After almost 2 years of torturing the Wiki's servers, and having amassed a fairly impressive 410,844 bytes of content, Spang finally decided to give people the chance to talk to him without waiting for half an hour for his page to load. When asked for his reasoning behind this unprecedented move, the muddy funster quipped "no comment". Faced with such dazzling repartee, this reporter has no choice but to cut to the next story and hope he has some better quotes to pad it out with.
Award Winners Speak Exclusively to UnSignpost
- By Someone who definitely isn't running out of ideas already this year
Well, there you go folks, looks like the "... of the Year" award voting is done and dusted for another year. Thanks to all who voted; without you, the admins would probably have less to do, which would obviously be dangerous. Anyway, that aside, your ever-topical Unsignpost went and mugged the various winners for comments on their various wins. Several of them, of course, have already made their feelings clear to those who voted for them by way of the traditional thanks templates. Apart from UU, because he's a lazy ass. Or because he's busy writing this. Whichever. Anyway again, for the benefit of those who didn't vote for the winners, and don't watch their talk pages, here's what they had to say:
Runaway WotY Hype said: "Thanks, you guys!! If you'll permit me to be dead serious for the first time ever on the wiki, this really is an honor, and it's pretty damn touching that so many people came out in support of my work. Whew. Being serious felt weird. I feel... strange. BALLS BALLS PENIS COCK. Ah... there's the stuff!" He then went off to write another My Sojourn spin-off.
Even more runaway PotY Sonje said: "Thank you, I intend to return as soon as I can. I am currently in Africa with very limited internet access. I'll try to time my return to co-incide with the Oscars so that I can get some pointers for my acceptance speech." Admittedly, that was before we asked her for a comment, but then, she is in Africa with limited internet access.
Joint UotY Socky channeled Churchill to say: "*scrapes throat* Ahem! I would like to say to the community as I would say to anyone who joined this website: Uncyclopedia has nothing to offer but blood, toil, tears and sweat. We have before us an ordeal of the most grievous kind. We have before us many, many long months of struggle and of suffering. You ask, what is our aim? I can answer in one word: Victory. Victory at all costs — Victory in spite of all error — Victory, however long and hard the road may be, for without victory there is no survival. … That seems to be the wrong Churchill speech. Okay, I'll give it another try. *scrapes throat again* The gratitude of every home throughout the world, except in the abodes of the guilty, goes out to the British airmen and Belgian spies who, undaunted by odds, unwearied in their constant challenge and mortal danger, are turning the tide of the Wiki War by their prowess and by their devotion. Never in the field of human conflict was so much owed by so many to two people. And so on and so on… Woot! Woot!" Long-winded bugger.
And other joint UotY UU said: "wow, Socky's already left me needing a lot of filler for the right panel, so I'll keep this shortish. First, it's good to see someone who isn't an admin get their hands on this award, and Socky's hard work deserves recognition. Second, it's great to have my complete lack of a life recognised in this way. Third, did someone say Spang's archived his talk page? What the fuck's that all about?."
Oh, and Dr. Skullthumper was UGotY, but that was a foregone conclusion anyway. He didn't seem to have any comment of his own to make, so TKF hopped in to the breach with "I call the award a "fascist disgrace" and "move to permanently disbar Mike Socia, that ape from Lighting who made my mole visible to all of the goddamn world watching the ceremony."" Which about wraps it all up, I hope.
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From our logs:
- 13:56, 2 February 2010 Codeine (Talk | contribs) blocked 161.12.7.4 (Talk) with an expiry time of 6 months (Excess stupid detected. Take it to Niggermania, VNN or one of the many charming forums for racist lunatics like yourself out there.)
- 11:15, 1 February 2010 MrN9000 (Talk | contribs) blocked 151.49.98.244 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 week (ITALY does not rule and has not ruled for quite some time now actually. Blame the Christians if I were you...)
- 19:46, 29 January 2010 Mordillo (Talk | contribs) blocked 76.11.81.96 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 day (Improve your manners, cunt)
- 09:51, 29 January 2010 Under user (Talk | contribs) blocked 70.167.51.90 (Talk) with an expiry time of 2 hours (UN:VAIN. have a quick read of it, and see why we're not interested in you. although you could probably just look in a mirror and figure that out...)
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Biopic Legend of the Week
MadMax. Forty two thousand edits. Countless other contributions that can never be measured by simple Wiki stats software. No drama. Ever. Probably the single greatest force for good on this miserable little wiki. And it took us until issue 74 to profile him. The UnSignpost sucks; Max certainly doesn't.
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Old School Featured Article of the Week
The 1x1x1 Rubik's Cube is by far "The Most Difficult Puzzle Of All Time™". Many have scrambled, twisted and turned this mythical puzzle, but few have solved it. By the end of this article, YOU TOO will be able to solve this puzzle. Unfortunately... you may encounter some problems on the way though... such as, twisting the cube the wrong way when speedsolving.
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The Desperate Return of Cajek Ban of the Week!
- (Block log); 10:20 . . Mordillo (Talk | contribs) blocked Cajek (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 10000 years ("And he shall scourage the Earth for 9999 years. And then one more" Book of Mordillo, chapter 1 verse plox. )
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Horoscope of the Week
- Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - So, yeah, it's the start of Black History Month. And speaking of Black History, seems like it's an appropriate time to finally track down your real father. You see, it turns out, that's not just a Jew-fro.
For the rest of this week's 'scopes, see here.
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UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox
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9001(bot) 15:14, Feb 4
UnSignpost 11th February 2010[edit source]
Word to your mother.
Feb 11th, 2010 • Issue 75 • Picking the nuts of truth out of the muesli of news. Or something.
New way to win awards, impress friends, crush rivals!
- By UU
Writing competitions, eh? With the Poo Lit Surprise, the Turkey Day Ball, and a conservation week or two, it would seem Uncyclopedians can't get enough of 'em. And now there's another! But this one has a point that separates it from the herd. Well a couple of points, actually. One: it's organised by human wiki-whirlwind MadMax, so it'll probably be efficient as all get-out; two: it's a sneaky way of fulfilling a need. See, there are all these great ideas for articles floating around at UN:REQ; articles that would undoubtedly improve this festering little wiki. And there they sit, being good ideas, but not being used. This competition aims to change all that!
Yes, that's right, The Article Whisperer is a competition that gives you the ideas to get you started, all you need to do is supply the funny. What could be easier? Well, since you ask, perhaps judging it could? Max is also looking for at least 4 more opinionated types, unafraid of passing withering judgement on their peers. If you're interested in judging or entering, or if you have a good idea that would elevate this competition from being a damn good idea to a colossally awesome one, let MadMax know either on his talk page, or on the article's talk page.
For those who want to selflessly improve the wiki while crushing all around them under the steel wheels of their genius, there can be no finer opportunity!
General news round-up
- By UU
As several things have been happening recently in Uncyclopedia, and ace cub reporter DogNewspaper is in some sort of snow-induced hibernation, and consequently too lazy to write individual articles on any of them, here is a quick synopsis of a couple of the more newsworthy recent events on the wiki in handy easy-to-digest bite-sized chunks.
Mordillo nearly went mad attempting to feature all articles tied for tenth place in the top 10 of last year. And then spent the rest of this month to date patiently fielding questions about how long the rest of the featuring was going to take, and when normal featuring would resume. POTR did his best to help. When not asked for a quote, Mordillo said "FUCK YOU VERY MUCH AND SEE YOU IN 2011". We think he's just talking about the top 10, and not about taking a 10 month hiatus. That is, we hope so.
A recent VFD nomination ended in a deletion marathon, as MrN and RDB spent 2 hours removing every last trace of the notorious Game:Page. Apart from the traces Mordillo deleted, that is. And the redirects to it that UU took care of, come to think of it. But still, all told, an impressive act of mass carnage only made more awesome by the fact that they somehow managed to delete Socky's userpage at one point during the proceedings. MrN claims "Both RDB and me still have sore huffing fingers you know".
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From our logs:
- 15:04, 8 February 2010 Mordillo (Talk | contribs | block) blocked 169.139.1.20 (Talk) with an expiry time of 2 hours (We are having communications issues here. When I say don't recreate, it means don't press that little create button and paste the same content for the third time)
- 11:55, 8 February 2010 Under user (Talk | contribs) blocked 74.75.78.223 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 day (there are a million better things you could be doing with your life right now, but you're inserting barely literate insults to a sports player on a comedy wiki. must suck really hard to be you.)
- 08:35, 7 February 2010 MrN9000 (Talk | contribs) blocked 76.92.151.225 (Talk) with an expiry time of 3 months (We don't care if you fuck horses. No need to tell the world. Maybe the police, but that's up to you.)
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Old School Featured Article of the Week
Patriotism is an air-borne disease caused by the bacterium enlistment bonusai. It was first observed in 1776 by Dr. Arnold Bazonga, but was initially confused with the alcohol-borne illness bravery. Patriotism is communicable through the auditory ingestion of feces. Contamination often occurs from politicians, entrepreneurs, country music singers, Richard Albinger and French Emperors.
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Final Side-Panel Box of the Week
Because we don't need that much padding this week.
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UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox
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9001(bot) 13:02, Feb 11
UnSignpost 18th February 2010[edit source]
The Newspaper That Replaces Analysis With Flashy Graphics!
Feb 18th, 2010 • Issue 76 • Now with 20% more vanity!
Understanding of the universe is shattered; Creation as we know it is defunct
- By POTR
Imperial colonisation is back, and in true colonisation style, is taking religion to the masses.
One of the most controversial elements of religious understanding has been the answer to the question "How did we get here?" This has often been seen in the debate that has been long held between Creationists and Evolutionists. Now that Imperial Colonisation is back on its feet, under the able guidance of IC Buccaneer Admiral Why?, they are educating the masses on this as we speak.
"The article had been befouled by some evil doers, probably French or Spanish or Americans or worse. We are diligently researching and writing to bring the article in line with the Truth." stated Buccaneer Admiral Why?.
A dramatic re-write is in process, as Why? has all his seamen working towards the noble goal of indoctrinating the masses in Creationist theory. After some false starts involving a banana and a jar of peanut butter, the recreation of creationism is being created.
"The colonized article will show how the Empire has the right and duty to colonize everywhere by any methods available, and that anything we do is God's will. We will finish it by Saturday, 20 of February, or by Saturday, 27 of February, depending upon how long it takes us to colonize the natives. Anyone who wishes to apply to join our noble effort may do so at Uncyclopedia:Imperial Colonization." Why? stated in closing.
Darwin awards - Uncyclopedia Stylie
- By POTR
Recently a n00b by the name of I LIKE PIE!!! chose to join the Uncyclopedia family. After a very short time he demonstrated the behaviours that make Uncyclopedia the place that it is. Of course, removing edits and formatting fixes by other users had him come to the attention of Dr. Skullthumper, who politely left him a message along with a 48 hour ban.
Fortunately he showed the resilience that 10 year olds have when they are in the middle of doing something completely idiotic, and continued to trawl through people's talk pages, undo their edits, and generally be a dick. MrN9000, understanding the right balance of politeness and harshness, gave I LIKE PIE!!! a friendly message on his talk page, with a 1 week ban to support the severity of his words.
Undeterred, I LIKE PIE!!! later returned. 1 week and 35 minutes after his previous ban, MrN repeated his previous words to the young man, along with a further 1 week ban.
Thankfully, it appears that I LIKE PIE!!! took MrN's words to heart, as he managed to last a further 30 minutes after this second ban before he ran afoul of Roman Dog Bird, who in true RDB style demonstrated what an infinite ban actually means.
When hard-hitting journalists pressed for details relating to the banning of this pre-pubescent pestilence, MrN replied "What kinda a journalist are you man!?!"
Congratulations, I LIKE PIE!!!, for becoming the inaugural Uncyclopedia Darwin award winner, and removing yourself from the meme pool that we all enjoy.
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From our logs:
- Under user blocked 206.113.136.253 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 day (y0u h@v3 b33n b@nn3d (don't be a tw@t))
- MrN9000 huffed "Onlytheashesremain" (You call that an article? Put your back into it!!!, not that we are calling you stupid you understand. Dave, can we call you Dave?)
- Roman Dog Bird huffed "Bucket of Shit" (Funny title, but the content proves that you like to suck big, fat, black, dick. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but you obviously have trouble admitting it. Well....I'm not here for you dude. Sorry.)
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Biopic of the Week
Hmm, who to bio this week? Well, it's been a while since we covered {{username}}, we could always go back to that old chestnut... Or maybe something esoteric, like profiling the sidebar, that'd fit with Unsignpost tradition. Hmm. Or maybe we could note that Turbo-Whoring machine, one-man Doritos fan club and Torch-Carrier by appointment to someone called "Jenny", CheddarBBQ hasn't actually asked to be profiled this week, and therefore decide this is the perfect opportunity to profile him.
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Usurping of the Week The Unführer of Der Unwehr has recently demonstrated the concept of survival of the fittest by finally having someone with more DU points than him threatening his position. "This is unacceptable, and will not be tolerated. Following standard Nazi protocol, the young officer in question will be forced to resign his position due to his disturbing excess of competence, just like what Hitler did to Rundstedt, List, Manstein, Bock, Rundstedt again, Busch, Leeb, and Rundstedt a third time. I wash my hands of this." Unführer Guildensternenstein said in response.
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Stand-in of the Week It has come to our attention that an anonymous user has infiltrated the presses here and overtaken the majority of the writing for an issue of the Unsignpost. When approached by Necropaxx to discuss this catastrophe, he is quoted as saying "I... is a... butt."
This editorial team couldn't agree more.
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UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox
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9001(bot) 23:37, Feb 18
- Don't you EVER check your mail anymore? It looks like a paper company took a dump on your porch! I'll clean this up, but you have to send a forwarding address to the post office! ~ Avast Matey!!! Happytimes are here!* (talk) (stalk) Π ~ ~ 19 Feb 2010 ~ 03:59 (UTC)
UnSignpost 25th February 2010 (It's not late your mum is)[edit source]
The edition that's black and white and dead all over
Feb 25th, 2010 • Issue 77 • Slurping the froth of Truth off the cappuccino of News
Games, games and more games! We have more games then you can poke a stick at!
- By POTR
Is the games namespace 99.9% shit was the question elegantly asked by OptyC recently. A simple question that has sparked a storm in a teacup.
While Uncyclopedia is, undoubtably, the pinnacle of fine parody, it has been suggested the this particular poor cousin of the Main space has been allowed to fall into disrepair and disrepute due to the influx of poorly crafted content.
In the words of one editor Delete it. It's cruft and I'm not even sure if it qualifies as a parody namespace of anything on Wikipedia.
However, despite the lack of quality content, a significant portion of users have requested that it remain in play, however it be improved by having a little tender loving care given to it, along with a more rigid amount of cruft huffing.
As such, it is with open arms we welcome the inclusion into this realm of the new moderator of the Games namespace OptyC, who will be referred to going forward as the Game Master.
Upon the announcement of this singularly spectacular accolade, Optyc's first words were Maybe I shoulda just kept my mouth shut, eh? Although much respect must be levelled his way at the way he has taken to his new role with much gusto, winnowing through the chaff to find the kernels of wheat available in there.
For more information on these developments, visit Forum:The Games namespace.
It's Alive!
- By Mordillo
A new blow to the "democrats"/"liberals"/"whiny bitches" of Uncyclopedia, opposing the disputed hereditary law. Senior member of the non existent Cabal and editor-in-chief-in-absentia of this newspaper, UU has announced the birth of heiress to the throne, also known as UUette. UUette was reportedly born holding a scepter and a miniature ban hammer, wearing a crown and QVFD grade galoshes and waving frantically at the hysterical cheering masses. The non existent cabal promptly announced a reserved seat for UUette in the VFS round of 2026 as well as the prestigious position of "Noob of the Month".
A shrouded spokesperson for the Cabal noted that "it would have been important for the Cabal, were it to exist, that the existing Cabal dynasty, especially one coming from such a quality genetic specimen such as UU, shall continue without disturbance. The Cabal is greatly pleased with UU and Mrs. UU for bolstering its numbers for the greater Cabal's good."
Sporadic demonstration of support were noted around the Uncyclopedia realm, as supporters of the Cabal were seen with "DEAR UUette IS GREAT" and "ALL HAIL THE HEIR APPARENT" signs. So called "democratic"/"liberals"/"whiny bitches" protests were dealt with swiftly and efficiently.
And from all of us in the UnSignpost here is one big congratulations UU, may your daughter have huge...errr..tracks of land.
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From our logs:
- sannse blocked EugeneKay with an expiry time of 2 hours (WILL YOU PLEASE STOP GETTING BLOCKED!)
- MrN9000 blocked 173.53.142.210 with an expiry time of 1 month (HOWARD STERN IS *NOT* THE GREATEST. Steve Davis is considerably better for example. As is Burt Reynolds.)
- Under user 80.239.242.142 with an expiry time of 1 month (me again - I see you're still a twat. have much longer to do something about that.)
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Biopic of the Week
Puppy on the radio's signature has been a long and respectable member of the Uncyclopedia community for many months. Undergoing genetic manipulations and constant radiation bombardment, it now qualifies as a sentient entity by its own accord.
The signature, expecting to be emancipated in the near future, indicated that it likes funny articles, men who are not afraid to be in touch with their feelings and long strolls on the beach.
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Word of the Week
Abodespotism
- IPA: /əˈbəʊˈdɛs.pɒt.ɪzəm/
- the rule of a household despot; the exercise of absolute authority over the household.
- absolute power or control of all housemates; tyranny of shared living.(n) (eg. "While you live in my house you will abide by my rules.")
Origin: Abode + Despotism
Related forms: Ab⋅od⋅es⋅pot⋅ic , Ab⋅od⋅esp⋅o⋅tis⋅tic, Ab⋅od⋅esp⋅o⋅tis⋅ti⋅cal, adjective Ab⋅od⋅esp⋅o⋅tist, noun
Note: Often confused with Nespotism.
Source: Undictionary
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Underwater Sea Monster Sighting of the Week
Deep sea recent changes fishermen have been repeatedly reporting sightings of a huge scaled fire breathing creature, roaming the deep. Later on, the on call coast guard confirmed that this was a "once in a generation sighting of Ogopogo. Ogopogo, a mythical see creature than has been tamed by the Cabal many generations ago, has been lost for decades but now apparently decided to come back and check what's for dinner. Tsunami waves are expected all across the pond for the next few weeks.
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Administrative Notification of the Week
Uncyclopedia's management would like to thank all participants of the 2nd Dubai Uncyclocon and would like to emphasize that it takes no responsibility for the excessive usage of forged passports. Please, people, try to be more discreet next time eh?
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9001(bot) 20:54, Feb 28
UnSignpost 4th March 2010 (your calendar is wrong)[edit source]
The Newspaper That Contains Neither News Nor Paper.
Mar 4th, 2010 • Issue 78 • Snorting the drug of Truth from the toilet seat of News
Controversy over Uncyclopedian leads journalist to public outcry
- By Him again
The "of the Month" nominations and celebrations have been marred recently by drama circulating in forums, talk pages and on vote pages in various areas. Fortunately, whenever and wherever a drama has reared its ugly head an Unsignpost reporter has been there to cover it.
Why do I need to provide this? is now experiencing his second week of not having been nominated for anything. After mentioning to a respected editor that he had been nominated for at least one award for almost every day he had been part of the Uncyclopedia community, he bemoaned the fact that he had not been nominated for anything this month.
"I've been nommed for something EVERY SINGLE DAY of the five months I've been here--until this month. I'm not nommed for anything. It's pretty depressing, really." Why? complained
As a result of this complaining, Why? was then nominated for an award that had been more respected in the breach then in the observance - to paraphrase the bard - Nomination of the Month.
When, after a series of events, Roman Dog Bird felt obliged to nominate Aleister in Chains' Nomination for NOTM of PuppyOnTheRadio's nomination for NOTM of Why do I need to provide this?'s nomination of PuppyOnTheRadio for UGotM, he simply stated "This is a stupid award."
Meanwhile, at UotM, discussion over the number of awards given out led to an obvious discussion about the worth of RotM and UotM, which of course led, as all conversational roads do, to the hugely popular and debatably talented Dan Brown, not to be confused with Dan Kwon, as we aren't quite sure who he is.
The debate got unexpectedly heated when a talented and handsome editor suggested that another less talented editor should perform carnal and bestial acts with random household appliances.
Remember to cast your vote in AotM, PotM, RotM, NotM and WotM, or nominate the uncyc member that has impressed you most in these areas.
And of course, always remember Mordillo's words, "This one is for people who made Uncyclopedia better by cleaning up shop, helping people and allow Uncyclopedia to wobble around without falling over."
Vote today. Or tomorrow - depending on if you have the time.
Vote for Sandwiches suspended, Uncyclopedians confused
- By UU
Confusion reigned supreme in Uncyclopedia this month, as the ever-popular Vote for Sandwiches page was inexplicably protected, and changed to something that appears to be called "Vote for Sysops". Historical investigation by our fearless mascot DogNewspaper has revealed that this is actually the traditional process by which new sysops are selected on Uncyc - which came as a surprise to many editors, particularly the newer ones, many of whom didn't realise new sysops could be selected.
And with the current vote count standing at 6 in favour, and with few regularly active sysops left to vote, it looks like the chances are that there will be new sysops by the end of this month - so time to start deciding who you're gonna nominate! Who will be the next to have a thousand IPs ask them on their talkpage why they deleted their useless little one-line stub? Stay tuned to find out?
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From our logs:
- 02:36, 1 March 2010 MrN9000 (Talk | contribs) blocked 153.107.33.156 (Talk) with an expiry time of 3 months (Cyberbullying: I'm guessing that's what you are trying to do. If so, you are shit at it.)
- 14:57, 2 March 2010 Todd Lyons (Talk | contribs) blocked {contr|207.144.173.198}} (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 month (Anti-semitism + stupidity = my foot + your butt)
- 19:05, 2 March 2010 Zim ulator (Talk | contribs) blocked 66.211.39.160 (Talk) with an expiry time of infinite (Vandal: Why don't you go to concervapedia, and ask them if Jesus loves you. I say, He doesn't.)
- 18:32, 2 March 2010 Under user (Talk | contribs) blocked 87.114.246.12 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 day (blanking by installments is still blanking. and blanking makes baby jesus cry. it also pisses me off, and that's far worse.)
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Biopic of the Week
Is it actually legal to have two Portsmouth fans on the same wiki? The subject of this week's spotlight, Nachlader cared not a jot for this important question when he joined Codeine as Uncyc's second Pompey fan. Nachlader is an occasional drunk poster in the dump, a former NotM and RotM and, lest we forget, the writer of some very fine featured articles. Shame no-one can spell his username though.
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Old-school featured article of the month
Smells Like Teen Spirit was a monthly celebrity scratch and sniff magazine produced by Grunge Publications in the early 1990's.
Beckoning a time of true periodical change, young women aged eighteen to twenty-two decided that merely looking upon their favourite celebrities no longer hot-buttered their ever-so-proverbial muffins and collectively proclaimed, "Here we are... now entertain us."
Perhaps it was something in the way these determined ladies phrased this proclamation, or simply the fact that Grunge perceived a lucrative sliver of the niche market that was girls who wanted to smell things, but the call was swiftly answered with a glossy, uniquely olfactory experience hailed as "a Nirvana for the nostrils" that became the unofficial scent of Generation X.
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UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox
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9001(bot) 00:11, Mar 6
UnSignpost 11th March 2010[edit source]
Now with 20% more ninjas!
Mar 11th, 2010 • Issue 79 • Making the New York Times look shabby since 2008
Investigative journalist looks in to the cabal; Shocking discovery
- By PuppyOnTheRadio
For years a dreadful mystery has hung over Uncyclopedia. Rumours of a cabal have dogged Uncyclopedia, suggesting that there is a shadowy, mysterious group behind administrative decisions that have guided the hands of Uncyclopedia policy and procedure since the time of it's inception.
Many veiled references have been made to this cabal, however until now there has been no real investigative attempts to uncover the shocking truth about the cabal.
However, despite this, one plucky rookie journalist has decided that the truth must be free, and an investigation into the cabal has been undertaken. Investigating this it appears that the rumours relating to a cabal have come from numerous sources. In investigating this there were a number of dead ends, including pages that appear to have been deleted with no history.
One source has come forward to expose the truth about the cabal. Under threat of repercussion, this source has been asked to be known simply as Deep Throat. Upon interviewing this source the following shocking truth has been discovered!
There is n o cabal.
Any rumours about a supposed cabal are completely untrue. Any suggested sources are in fact fictional and have no veracity behind them. There is no shadowy, mysterious force guiding Uncyclopedia.
As I, as a respected journalist, have now been made well aware of the non-existence of this cabal, I am now comfortable to retire my journalistic career. I will shortly be taking a long trip to a very remote location where there is no phone or internet access and will choose to never write again.
I may even go to Antarctica.
But m ost imp ortantly, there is n ot n ow, n or never has been, a cabal.
A useful HowTo? does not compute!
- By UU
Writing UnNews just got a whole lot easier, after UnNews kingpin Zim ulator, Zionist control freak Mordillo and sucker for punishment workhorse SPIKE got together to completely rewrite HowTo:Tune up an UnNews article. Featuring novel ideas (that they got from a novel) such as helpful advice, up-to-date references, and words in the right order, the article is so preposterously useful that it may have to be deleted, as it clearly contravenes Uncyclopedia's mission statement.
If there were a Cabal (which, as the above article clearly establishes beyond doubt, there isn't), it would encourage you to read it and never write a bad UnNews again.
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From our logs:
- 00:09, 10 March 2010 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) blocked 75.47.145.114 (Talk) with an expiry time of infinite (I shit on you, you emotionally unstable little twat. Why would you even come here?)
- 18:33, 9 March 2010 MrN9000 (Talk | contribs) blocked 69.150.243.254 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 week (So... Because you hate the CIA you vandalise the article about them on Uncyclopedia? Good thinking batman. That will stop em! Try again.... Later (obviously))
- 09:19, 9 March 2010 Under user (Talk | contribs) blocked 202.189.75.214 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 day (you are right: Twilight does suck. however, so does page blanking, which means you yourself are full of as much fail as Twilight. consider that, and then weep.)
- 22:08, 8 March 2010 Mordillo (Talk | contribs) blocked 168.99.135.251 (Talk) with an expiry time of 6 months (obviously we're not getting through here. Go away and grow a cactus, then sit on it. Repeate step 2 several times. )
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Biopic of the Week
If this issue of the UnSignpost has reached your talk page, it's very likely to be thanks to the unstinting efforts of paperbot MrN9001. He's been schlepping around this wiki for over a year now, delivering this very slab of journalistic goodness, replacing templates, reverting stuff, making tiny but doubtless vital changes to pages, and generally taking care of all the stuff MrN himself is just too bone idle to do. What the hell would we do without him?
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Admin answer of the Week
Shijiati: Why did you huff my page?
Codeine: Because it sucked.
Any questions, folks?
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Horoscope of the Week
*Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - You have many great strengths, but taken too far they can become liabilities. For instance, your honesty can become rudeness, your bravery can become foolhardiness, and your taste for human flesh can become criminal cannibalism.
For the rest of this week's 'scopes, see here.
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UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox
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9001(bot) 11:03, Mar 12
UnSignpost 18th March 2010 (on time as always)[edit source]
Your #1 source for Cajek ban jokes!
Mar 18th, 2010 • Issue 80 • Hold the line! News isn't always on time!
VFS: it begins
- By UU
As exclusively reported in your super soaraway UnSignpost last week, the voting process for new Uncyclopedia sysops has begun, and so it's time for Signpost mascot and never-popular running joke DogNewspaper to give the traditional unbiased Signpost rundown of the candidates.
Leading the popular vote at present is long-serving poopsmith and kvetcher RabbiTechno, gaining a seemingly unassailable lead by being helpful, friendly and competent, and by promising to bake cakes for all who vote for him - a ploy which may well have snared the support of more than just the odd swing voter.
In a comfortable position just behind the Rabbi is lengthily-monikered Belgian workhorse Sockpuppet of an unregistered user, the joint Uncyclopedian of the Year for 2009, who seems to be gathering followers by being helpful, competent, friendly, and doing loads and loads of stuff. This cunning stratagem has obviously endeared him to the denizens of this wiki, who seem to be propelling him towards having his own banstick.
But hold on, who's this coming up stealthily behind Socky? Why, it's pee review supremo and scourge of vandals everywhere ChiefjusticeDS! The Chief is steadily accumulating backers through the cunning tactic of being competent, helpful and friendly. He also rules PEEING with an iron fist, and spends inordinate amounts of time cleaning and tidying up the place, facts that have led to him coming within striking distance of the leaders in what appears to be a three-horse race.
One thing is clear from this - all 3 of the most popular candidates appear to be helpful and friendly, which this newspaper finds unacceptable - where is the next Famine going to come from? where will we find an admin willing to infiban users and delete all their articles just for looking at someone the wrong way, or for being Kip the Dip?
Also nominated, and receiving some support are current Writer of the Year and greatest person in the history of all things ever Hyperbole, diplomat by Uncyc appointment to all religions Optimuschris, canine broadcaster and damn fine journalist PuppyOnTheRadio, allcaps-named VFD machine SPIKE, confirmed female on the internets Zana Dark, easy-to-spell feature-machine Guildensternenstein and jaded old-timer Necropaxx.
Other people have been nominated without recording a score as yet, but as this article is already long enough to have the editor wondering how many filler boxes he can dream up for the right-side panel this week, they just appear as a brief list: Mnbvcxz, Cajek, Gerrycheevers, Syndrome, The Woodburninator, Why do I need to provide this?, Charitwo and some bloke called Mhaille. Will any of them pick up a sympathy vote before the end of voting round 2?
Positions vacant.
- By PuppyOnTheRadio
The Imperial Colonization is a long standing organisation that has for years been at the cutting edge of creativity of articles for one of the world's most respected websites: Uncyclopedia. Due to a period of unprecedented growth during a time of economic downturn, as most of our members are otherwise unemployed, we are looking for a new assistant to the head of IC. This is a fantastic opportunity for you to work from home.
Your daily duties will include:
- Telling writers that they should be working on the latest colonisation
- Ensuring that changes to current colonisation are consistent with the theme
- Telling writers to stop wasting time on other projects and get back to the current colonisation
- Vetting new applicants to IC to ensure they are of the quality needed
- Telling writers that they should really be working on IC
- Going insane with power (optional)
The relevant applicant will have:
- Significant experience in editing and writing articles for feature
- Preferably have worked on IC or in a related field
- The ability to tell writers that they should really get back to the current project, as it needs to be completed by the 20th of March.
- A fluffy teddy called Norman (optional, but preferred)
This is a rare opportunity. The successful applicant will become next in line to take over the reins of IC when the current head gets sick of it retires. You will be paid in the half feature credit when a colonised article gets featured, as well as being able to call yourself the assistant to the head of Imperial Colonisation.
To apply, contact Why do I need to provide this? here.
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From our logs:
- 08:26, 17 March 2010 Zim ulator (Talk | contribs) blocked 96.28.232.175 (Talk) with an expiry time of infinite (Vandal: Oh my, you are just so fucking witty. With wits like that, who needs enemas?)
- 18:53, 16 March 2010 Mordillo (Talk | contribs) blocked Hyperactive-Sausage (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 month (enjoy your complimantary penis)
- 00:21, 16 March 2010 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) blocked 99.251.242.153 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 year (I THINK 99.251.242.153 SHOULD BURN OR HAVE TO PAY FOR OXYGEN, fuckin fuirt, KILL 99.251.242.153)
- 12:30, 12 March 2010 MrN9000 (Talk | contribs) blocked 212.219.247.129 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 year (Cyberbullying: and generally being a retard. Let's get this right... You call your friend Gay, but you like editing the Powerpuff Girls page? Think about that...)
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Biopic of the Week
We at the UnSignpost pride ourselves on profiling only the finest Uncyclopedians. So how in the hell has it taken us 80 issues to get around to profiling Zana Dark? A self-confessed female and all-round smartass, Zana has been on this wiki for years, bringing her uniquely feminine touch to the Uncyclopedia Legal Department and a whole bunch of impressive rewrites. She's also been WotM for writing funny articles about flashing beaver, tits, and butter, proving conclusively that she knows exactly how to appeal to the sensibilities of the largely male Uncyc userbase.
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Old-School Featured Article of the Week
Illegal Aliens from Outer Space! (1959) was a fact-based horror film that played in drive-in movie theaters across America. It is widely lauded for opening the eyes of an entire generation of movie patrons to the blood-curdling terror of a heterogeneous nation.
Filmed in Super Black 'n' White-O-Vision, with monophonic sound recorded in Mono-O-Phon-O-Sound, Illegal Aliens from Outer Space! proved to be a blockbuster that far exceeded the director's humble expectations. The movie's potent real-life lessons held patrons enrapt, while its documentary film-style distracted horny teens, protecting them from the joys of second base for the duration of the action-packed second and third acts of the film.
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Reason to leave Uncyc #341
Modusoperandi won't quit hoggin' the shower.
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Obligatory Filler Box of the Week
When you absolutely positively gotta have an extra line or so to balance out the UnSignpost - accept no substitute!
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Horoscope of the Week
Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - This week, you will say words that are complete nonsense to you because you think they identify a particular culture that you otherwise completely ignore, but that no one of that culture actually ever says. B'gosh and begorrah.
For the rest of this week's 'scopes, see here.
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UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox
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9001(bot) 11:48, Mar 18
UnSignpost 25th March 2010 (hand delivered for added flavour)[edit source]
Telling You Stuff You Already Knew, But With Different Words!
Mar 25th, 2010 • Issue 81 • So full of news, our news-gut hangs over our news-jeans
VFS reaches third and final round, Uncyclopedians bored to tears
- By UU
And so the bloated process that is VFS stumbles drunkenly into its third and final stage. All the chaff - that is, those polling low numbers of votes - has been mercilessly pruned, and the wheat - Chief, Rabbi and Socky - is now being sifted carefully by the admins. And the UnSignpost once more devotes precious space to covering it, even though most Uncyclopedians, with their reduced attention spans, got bored of it weeks ago.
Once again, the Rabbi appears to be in pole position, and there are rumours that Mordillo is already preparing him a traditional Jewish banstick, such is his current lead. Meanwhile, Sock and Chief are neck-and-neck for the second slot, polling three votes each currently. When he interviewed himself for this article, lazy journalist UU exclusively told us: "this reflects well on the site - we have three great, very strong candidates, any and all of whom would do a great job if opped. And a number of those who didn't make it to round 3 will probably make a much stronger showing next time. If there is a next time."
All that remains now is to see how the final few days affect the vote, and who finally gets the supreme honour of being able to go delete every single page of shitloads of crappy games that have been nommed on VFD, and the like. Joins us next week for the "From Our Logs" new admin special, when we analyse their first bans, and watch as these new admins mercilessly ban the unlucky loser and abuse their new powers flagrantly. Hopefully.
Top 5 Of-The-Months Become 90% Cheesier
- By CheddarBBQ
Well known and completely badass user CheddarBBQ, known for his increasing his own self-image, and for being one of the coolest guys ever, has now set a record by being nommed for all four "big" nominations in the same month. Even more impressive, he has been nommed for these four without doing much of anything deserving of awards (besides the aforementioned alleged coolness and/or badassedness). The always tasty Eyetallyan snackfood has been able to hold tightly to last place in each one of these all month.
When asked about his newfound record, the great man/food had this to say: "I always knew I was special. The bag of cheese curls that I referred to as "Mommy" for 15 years would tell me so on a regular basis. Also, suck it bitchez."
Of course the amazing record-breaker would think well of himself, so we went elsewhere, to question his adopted son, Momo. When asked about the excitement over the record, Momo claimed, "Papa De La Rosa is, like, the greatest dad ever, I used to have so much fun with him when I was little. Ya know, he once left me inside an oven when I was a baby, went for a beer and got me out the following morning. That was fun, I'm tellin' ya. And when I was 4, he left me in an amusement park, went for a beer and came to pick me up a whole week later. I spent that week with that nice guy who kept touching my ass.. Good times.. When I was 7, he took me for a beer. And by the age of 14, we were running our small liquor-smuggling business.. Oh yeah, he's a great guy." Curiously, his comment did not much relate to the matter at hand, yet it was deemed necessary to include it anyway. It appears to be abundantly clear that Cheddar is a marvel of a man whom we can all look up to. In other news, it appears that Don Chedds is about to set another record by being the first Uncyclopedian to drastically lose all five major awards in one month. It appears to be abundantly clear that Cheddar is a marvel of a man whom we can all look up to. Here's to you, CheddarBBQ.
Oh yeah, and some other people had something to do with it as well.
Note: The writer of this article has decided that a fact check as to whether or not either of these are true records would be unnecessary.
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From our logs:
- 23:47, 23 March 2010 Zim ulator (Talk | contribs) blocked Dakotah0 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 week (Being a Dick: Fucking n00bs, editing the UnNews Main Page.... what do you think this is, rimjob? Wikipedia?)
- 09:16, 23 March 2010 Under user (Talk | contribs) blocked 69.162.71.154 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 year (stop being so full of fail. seriously, did you have a fail transplant or something? that's a serious fail supply you carry round with you.)
- 05:14, 22 March 2010 Roman Dog Bird blocked TheUnUncyclopedian with an expiry time of infinite (Have you ever tried to cum in your mouth? I did. I couldn't go through with it though. No way was I going to eat my cum. What the fuck was I thinking? True story.)
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Biopic of the Week
Tell you what, let's do a bio of someone who's won the WotM award this year - how's that sound? Splendid, knew you'd like it. And you'll like the guy we've chosen too: Nameable. How can you not? He's friendly, cuddly (we're told), and capable of writing a funny article about Corn Flakes. That's pretty much as good as it gets, right there. Unless you have some kind of Corn Flake aversion, but then, if you do, you're beyond help. Probably.
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Day of the Week
A glut of Sasquatch-related UnNews stories led the very Reverend Zim to declare March 24th Sasquatch Appreciation Day. He celebrated by spamming a template around a few talk pages. Do those sasquatches appreciators know how to party or what?
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Old school featured article of the Week
Sexual innuendo is a hard topic to stay abreast of. As a humor tool, it stands erect in the English language. While there are no hard and fast rules as to what constitutes sexual innuendo, many people have mass-debated over the topic, and now the general principles at the root of the topic are firm and well-rounded. However, full penetration of the subject requires that the reader take a long, hard look at the target and be a cunning linguist in order to avoid limp phrases and imbibe the phrase with a large handful of meanings. The topic can become hot by attempting to grasp it, and the more one experiments with it, the more interested they become. Also, as the language changes innuendos must change in order to fill the newly created holes and satisfy listeners.
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UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox
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--Chiefjustice3DS 22:19, March 25, 2010 (UTC)
...does this mean your self-imposed exile is over? Ritter Generaloberst CPT PuppyOnTheRadio GUN WotM RotM NotM VFH CM ΥΣΣ Wednesday, 08:39, Mar 31 2010 UTC
UnSignpost 1th April 2010 - Always on time[edit source]
Better sign it.
Apr 1st, 2010 • Issue 82 • You'd better watch out, you'd better beware: if any news happens, the Signpost will be there
VFS Finishes, New Admins Unleashed, UnSignpost already struggling for material for next week
- By UU
And there it is folks, weeks of frenzied voting (sorta), underhand whoring (possibly), fevered speculation (mostly by this newspaper, as is the role of the press), and finally apathy and overkill (abour 4 days in to the whole thing), Votes for Sysops has ended, and the unlucky losers are RabbiTechno and ChiefjusticeDS.
What does this mean? Well, it means there are now two more Brits armed with bansticks loose on the wiki. Their chirpy, endearing optimism and approachability has already been replaced by the dead-eyed stare and world-weary cynicism required by sysophood, and their friends on the wiki have all turned into suck-ups looking for joke bans.
When asked for comments, the Rabbi told us: "I'm willing to accept bribes for huffing articles, banning users, replacing pages with goatse and so on and plan to become as corrupt as possible in as short a time as possible". He also said, when accused of being a "Big Tough Admin Guy": ""Big" - indisputably, but it's all fat; "Tough" - only if you mean chewy; "Admin" - yes, can't argue with that one; "Guy" - only until I've saved enough for the operation". Chief hadn't commented at the time of going to press, so we made something up: "I'm going to ban everyone, I have judged this wiki, and found it wanting. All must pay", he might have said.
Of course, this situation also means the long-overdue return of the wildly popular Votes for Sandwiches. Already, 3 bread-based snacks have been suggested, and voting is expected to be fierce.
Finally, it also means that the UnSignpost, which has leaned heavily on VFS for filler its lead story for the last 3 weeks, is now set to struggle heavily for stories for the forseeable future. What desperate straw will we clutch at next week? Find out next thursday!
Frat party; Bring your own kegger
- By PuppyOnTheRadio
Finally the fraternal (and sisternal) instincts of Uncyclopedia's finest minds have a place that they can call their own.
ΥΣΣ, otherwise more easily pronounceably known as Upsilon Sigma Sigma, has been founded in the cellar of one of our newest members, who has already earned the level of respect and admiration that many of our members feel. Skinfan13 has taken the initiative of an entrepreneur and put this together with nothing but a jovial spirit and a little bit of random whoring on an excessive amount of member's talk pages.
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I've been sitting here, thinking to myself, "gee, Uncyclopedia has a lot of stuff, a legal department, a political party, and an assortment of other great things, but it doesn't have a fraternity." I also noticed that the top 50 wanted articles list hasn't changed in over a year.
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Skinfan13, Guildy's talk page
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In their own charter, they claim that they stand for three thing, being Humor, Honor and Hubris, even if they are unable to spell two of them in English.
Already boasting membership of some of the finest that Uncyclopedia has to offer, including the founder of Der Unwehr and its highest point holding member, it is focused on creating one quality article per month via collaboration. However, rather than covering the same ground so amply covered by Imperial Colonization, it chooses to take its inspiration from one of most neglected sources, Wanted Pages.
However, not content to simply cater to those who like to work together on articles, they also have another focus in their writing sights - Requested Articles. And the third major focus is the betterment of articles by non members through their unstinting work on Pee Review.
While this is still in it's infancy the fraternity/sisternity is looking for fresh blood new pledges willing to come forth and work for the community, or failing that, people who like to party and eat chocolate cake.
For those who are after more information, feel free to check out ΥΣΣ today. Or tomorrow, if that works better for you. The bar is always open, although not always stocked.
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From our logs New Admins Bumper Special!
- 10:22, 31 March 2010 RabbiTechno (Talk | contribs) blocked <insert name here> (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 3 months (I told you not to do that)
- 09:59, 31 March 2010 Mordillo (Talk | contribs) resurrected Mordillo (Talk | contribs) (now THAT's a proper abuse of power)
- 09:54, 31 March 2010 RabbiTechno (Talk | contribs) blocked Mordillo (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 2 hours (Zionist conspiracy block)
- 09:50, 31 March 2010 RabbiTechno (Talk | contribs) resurrected RabbiTechno (Talk | contribs) (someone's gotta do it. Besides, over the last year, I've developed a perverse love of poop)
- 09:48, 31 March 2010 Mordillo (Talk | contribs) blocked RabbiTechno (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 20 years (stop playing with the poop dammit! You're an admin baby!)
- 09:48, 31 March 2010 ChiefjusticeDS (Talk | contribs) resurrected ChiefjusticeDS (Talk | contribs) (Bah)
- 09:47, 31 March 2010 RabbiTechno (Talk | contribs) blocked ChiefjusticeDS (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 10 minutes (Not banned enough yet: and being smelly)
- 09:46, 31 March 2010 RabbiTechno (Talk | contribs) resurrected RabbiTechno (Talk | contribs) (I've just woken up! Give me a chance to become accustomed to my new powers!)
- 09:42, 31 March 2010 ChiefjusticeDS (Talk | contribs ) blocked RabbiTechno (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 20 minutes (Abuse your power dammit!)
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Biopic of the Week
In honour of the new additions to their ranks, this week's bio profiles the Uncyc admins. Bitter, twisted, and cynical to a man (and they are all men, even the supposed female ones), the admins spend their whole lives thinking of trivial reasons to ban people and delete their latest masterworks. Nothing gives them more of a hardon than watching someone lovingly sculpt a perfectly formed Chuck Norris joke, perhaps combined with a Your Mom reference and a sublimely subtle penis penis penis insertion, waiting patiently for it to be realised to the author's satisfaction, and then deleting it, possibly with an insulting message into the bargain.
Their mothers never loved them.
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UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox
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Nominally Humane! some time Friday, 04:46, Apr 2 2010 UTC
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For your vote in VFS
and as promised last time
You have been awarded a Certificate guaranteeing you safe passage whilst inside those areas of Uncyclopedia under Zionist domination.
Certificate also redeemable for one (1) free bagel at your nearest grocery - simply print out and present
to the shopkeeper to claim your free bagel with the filling of your choice.
Rabbi Techno
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Oh, bågelz! Thanks ever so munch! -- Style Guide 10:18, April 2, 2010 (UTC)
No, no, I said "blow" the dog Rocky, what are you doing? Thanks very much for the nom on VFH, and I like your attitude that more variety should play on the first page. The nom did surprise me, as I just wrote the page as a fun joke. Appreciated. Hopefully you will write on Uncy from time to time, and come back for those 'magic moments' when you are on 'magic mushrooms'. Thanks again, Aleister in Chains 11:33 2 4 mmx
Jokes are for kids. What are we, a bunch of three-year olds? The page you've working on, I took a quick glance and it is worthwhile. I'll be going on a short vacation in a few hours, and have to get these thanks out, do some editing, pack, etc., but I will look at it further mid-week next week. Good to meet you, Al en'chain 12:02 2 4 mmx