User talk:GlobalTourniquet

Archive 1

Hey, GT! You finally archived!

Congrats! -- GlobalTourniquet: UnAstrologer, UnJournalist, shameless narcissistic America-hating liberal atheist award-winning featured writer 23:03, August 15, 2012 (UTC)

Thanks. I'm retarded. -- GlobalTourniquet: UnAstrologer, UnJournalist, shameless narcissistic America-hating liberal atheist award-winning featured writer 23:03, August 15, 2012 (UTC)

User:GlobalTourniquet/Astrology

Hey there! I just looked at this. It is WAY better than the current Astrology article (which I had nothing to do with). But it still needs work. Would you like my help? I practice real Jyotish since 1975, and thousands of people actually pay me for it. You are about the only user here who knows that I do. It's not my main gig. BTW: I hope you enjoy looking after Unnews. Cheers!--Funnybony    18:42, Aug 16

I put it up for Pee Review so that someone might identify where it needs work and help out. Collaborate then? Excellent! -- GlobalTourniquet: UnAstrologer, UnJournalist, shameless narcissistic America-hating liberal atheist award-winning featured writer 18:45, August 16, 2012 (UTC)

Sure. It doesn't need a Pee review, it needs a good editing and polish. For example, the very first para is beat (i.e., not funny) but there is a load of good stuff you have written later. If you pull it from Pee review then I'll go through the whole thing with you. Let me know. Cheers!--Funnybony    19:08, Aug 16

I'll allow that the better joke is in the top image caption, but I can't tell it twice. I really was trying to reword the existing article's intro to make it funniER - perhaps the joke needs to change. But I like the "poorly designed connect-the-dots puzzles" joke myself (yeah remove the word "celestial" there - it's superfluous). A lot of this really isn't my original material. You'll find that a large part of what I did was just reworking to try to improve the writing and presentation of the existing Astrology and (especially) Zodiak articles. But have at them - I'll remove the review request and we'll go to town. Oh by the way, there's a bit of vanity at the end there, and I'm not confident that it's appropriate, but part of me really likes it and I think it might work as a kind of exception here, though I'm not 100% sure. -- GlobalTourniquet: UnAstrologer, UnJournalist, shameless narcissistic America-hating liberal atheist award-winning featured writer 19:35, August 16, 2012 (UTC)

Hi, I just checked out your version, and its definitely better than the current version. So if you don't find an admin to move the article, just edit your article, hit "Select all", then select "Copy", then go to edit the article in mainspace, hit "Select all", then select "Paste". Presto, rewrite done. Just a friendly suggestion. -- Simsilikesims(♀UN) Talk here. 22:57, August 16, 2012 (UTC)

Which is what I was going to do until I saw the text on the Move Article page tell me NEVER EVER DO THAT! in big capital letters with an excalamtion point. But then it said I can't do that because I will lose the history on the user page article and I was like "so?" Still, I didn't do it. -- GlobalTourniquet: UnAstrologer, UnJournalist, shameless narcissistic America-hating liberal atheist award-winning featured writer 23:03, August 16, 2012 (UTC)

Hey there. Welcome to the unnews posting. You probably don’t need any help. You should paste your better version of Astrology over the old version. If no one objects then you’re home free. Cheers!--Funnybony    14:04, Aug 18

I answered on my talk page, btw *drinks a sip* Mattsnow 04:26, August 21, 2012 (UTC)

God hates

Just want to ask if the god hates article is all that necessary? I'm all for agreement with the subject as I agree, he/she/it does appear to hate us - although, as an article it isn't worth anything. You did a lovely thing correcting my bad grimmer and speeling mistokes the other day. I just feel UnNews is meant to at least keep a level of humor up. Cunt is a nasty word still and people might be turned off by the news if they happened to click the god article. The site is about subtle parody of real news. I put the odd "fuck" in my articles but try to hold back from that language. My dad who's 71 said it doesn't need "blue" words in an article. I agree. You are doing a fine job as editor but AS editor you shouldn't have allowed an article like the god one on. Matt would have thrown it out as being "not funny". That's your job now Luke. Use the force wisely. No offense to you at all, I love the news and with some good editor decisions we can make it a friendly place for any age. 110.49.242.72 03:02, August 22, 2012 (UTC)

My computer doesn't stay signed in. Annoying... I'm ticklethekeys by the way. x

Did you read the source? -- GlobalTourniquet: UnAstrologer, UnJournalist, shameless narcissistic America-hating liberal atheist award-winning featured writer 15:48, August 22, 2012 (UTC)

Also this -- GlobalTourniquet: UnAstrologer, UnJournalist, shameless narcissistic America-hating liberal atheist award-winning featured writer 15:50, August 22, 2012 (UTC)

OK, so now you see those. Perhaps without me saying this you now see that the article is a parody of actual news - it is a form of satire called ad absurdum, and if you read the article carefully it is telling a kind of story as well. I actually consider what I've done there very high-brow comic satire, but it takes some careful attention to detail to see it. It's clear to me that you failed to grasp it, because the article doesn't say anything about God appearing to hate us, as you describe. The article is about the fact that people attribute hate for profanity to God (per the source article), so the author character of that piece just went batshit nuts about it. -- GlobalTourniquet: UnAstrologer, UnJournalist, shameless narcissistic America-hating liberal atheist award-winning featured writer 15:55, August 22, 2012 (UTC)

Yes, I think I would have thrown it out. You're a much better writer than this. Not that I'm against swearing, I wrote some articles with it, but I kinda agree with Ticklethekeys. But you're the UnNews editor now, and you're a great writer too, it is to be expected that there will be some difference in the way you run things. :) Mattsnow 16:32, August 22, 2012 (UTC)

Really? Surprising to me - the overdone swearing is the key to the satire, and it is funny, but more importantly it is satirizing the source. Did you consider those things? -- GlobalTourniquet: UnAstrologer, UnJournalist, shameless narcissistic America-hating liberal atheist award-winning featured writer 16:38, August 22, 2012 (UTC)

Just my opinion there, I thought for a swearing match it wasn't too bad, maybe I would have let it go, maybe not. It would have depended on my level of caffeine in my blood, my overall mood with my girlfriend and if I had a good alcohol level in, who knows what I would have done! My argument is I don't like swearing for the fuck of it, but you are the boss now, although I am happy to give you a "second opinion" on any fucking shit, as I tried to seek to on IRC when making a move I thought would ruffle a few feathers, such as userspacing an article or plucking a bird. 05:26, August 23, 2012 (UTC)

^^^^^Drunk editing lol. I see you are doing fine, those TV shows on the UnNews page are hilarious. I was trying to say it's normal we have different tastes, and also, sometimes you can think an article sucks, then read it again the next day and think it's good. It depends on your present mood I guess. Mattsnow 22:05, August 28, 2012 (UTC

Thanks for the revert

Yeah. The Hamon Master WeinribJo Joestar of Earth 12:29, August 23, 2012 (UTC)

Editor

About the above conversation... Let me start again. I love UnNews as a whole - (I like other holes but that's another story) The premise of UnNews is to be a place of Subtle Satire. Satire says it all without saying it all. The reader is supposed to fill in parts of an article by the pictures they get in their head - hence, they then laugh. An example of this is a great article by another user about Lindsay Lohan and the crash in the Porsche: "Despite doctor's best efforts, she survived anyway"... The picture I got in my mind was a bunch of disappointed doctors. Simple but funny. People are supposed to click to the news and not be quite sure if it's real or not. A standard is essential. If you are the full time editor I must inform people so only you touch the page. Useless if many do it. The front page remained the same for a few days so I wondered if you are still the editor. I will think of you as boss and chief etc from now - no problem with you at all. Quality articles in the right places and regular page updates is all I beg of you. Emperor Niquet - I am at your service. Hope you read this as intended. I am but a simple writer - who likes women as a whole. Ticklethekeys (talk) 02:24, August 30, 2012 (UTC) Daniel

As a very seasoned UnJournalist and Foolitzer Prize winner (2010 February), I believe you will discover that I am very well versed in the premise of UnNews, and a champion (read my articles) of satire in all of its various forms. Subtlety is my favorite satirical mode also. The satire in the article that was complained about is actually extremely subtle - so subtle in fact that you and others missed it, because you couldn't see past the over-the-top presentation. I can accept that. This one is an example of something similar - it is not subtle on the surface, but it is subtlely skewering the people who were whining at the time that she was selling herself not just as an athlete, but as a damn sexy one. -- GlobalTourniquet: UnAstrologer, UnJournalist, shameless narcissistic America-hating liberal atheist award-winning featured writer 15:00, August 30, 2012 (UTC)

Write more like this one! You did exactly what I was talking about... "Don't you wish they skied backwards"... The image in my mind made me truly laugh! Plus you've mixed a sexy (fucking hot) woman and humor together - sort of creates an ironic feel which is great. All I can think about now is her ass. Oh and you dared to do what I do... put your own name in the article. Love writing in the 1st person, sounds more active like a running commentary etc. I will have a good look through your past articles. Dan 110.49.250.106 19:35, August 30, 2012 (UTC)

UnNews:Romney/Ryan to re-institute Negro slavery

Chief, thanks for featuring this on the Front Page. I have tweaked your lede; my UnNewses tend, in the second paragraph, to lapse into providing factual background instead of humor. So I replaced some of that with a quip from later in the article, the purpose of the lede being to induce the reader to click and view the whole thing.

Having done an Audio for this, I added the {{InlineMedia}} template to the Front Page and to {{RecentUnNews}} to provide a link to it. I see the list of recent audios is gone from the Front Page; disappointing but appropriate, as the last time I checked, the list was entirely my stuff from 18 months ago, and I won't be doing Audios as regularly as before because of logistical problems. Spıke ¬ 11:31 31-Aug-12

Yeah, some positively charged chocolatey coffee rodent decided to remove the recent audios when I insisted on the horoscopes going back up. I was advocating for two new sections in addition to the horoscopes to balance it all out, but he insisted audios was a dead department. In fact I did create a new section as a kind of proof of concept, but I ended up really liking it (TV Highlights) so I replaced the comics, which I felt were kind of played out. Maybe if you (or anyone else) are going to revive the audios, I'll go back to advocating for the three new sections, restoring audios and comics and maybe adding UnMagazine. Anyway - really great article. Impressive how you updid a rather dull one like that. Go get yourself a donut from the box in my office. -- GlobalTourniquet: UnAstrologer, UnJournalist, shameless narcissistic America-hating liberal atheist award-winning featured writer 16:10, August 31, 2012 (UTC)

A couple users have wanted audios to be a dead department since the days when I was doing three a week. TV Highlights is fine, provided they are updated from time to time. The comics had been unmanned for years, were mostly about Richard Nixon, and their creator's taste always ran to the odd over the funny. Thanks for the donut. But that other guy always had Absinthe. Spıke ¬ 18:15 31-Aug-12

Lead Templates

Heya there G-T, good hustle with the taking care of UnNews and stuff, but when you add the blurbs to the lead templates could you only include one or two sentences max instead of entire paragraphs? Leave a lil something to the imagination to hook them readers in, yo. -- T​K​F​​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​UU​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​CK 22:21, September 4, 2012 (UTC)

I thought abut that today - but it's only because I had to look at it on a 19-inch monitor. I went woah. Too much, dude. -- GlobalTourniquet: UnAstrologer, UnJournalist, shameless narcissistic America-hating liberal atheist award-winning featured writer 22:23, September 4, 2012 (UTC)

Set phasers to frag! It's the UnSignpost!

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

The Newspaper that won't leave you the same way they did!

September 6th, 2012 • Issue 174 • When we were your age, this was all fields...

My "coming out" By Chief This story is exceptionally gay Hey girlfriends! This week the UnSignpost puts the "Queen" in "Drama Queen" as it discusses the issues which are literally the bomb. The biggest bomb this week, besides how darling our UnSignpost correspondents look in their new outfits, is that Zombiebaron wants the wiki to improve, this means deleting most of it and playing trivia on IRC. The bigger news is that PoofyOnTheRadio also wants the wiki to improve, this means not playing trivia on IRC and sending editors out onto the internet in order to sell their bodies to Google in the hopes that this will increase traffic to the wiki. These squabbles are ultimately self-defeating, while we are arguing amongst ourselves whether or not we ought to change the beginner's guide into an 20 minute video and a fireworks display we still haven't managed to do anything. What we have decided is that articles can be deleted with less than +5 votes to delete and that RAHB is very good at trivia if nothing else. The other big news from weeks ago is that Mattsnow has stopped being in charge of UnNews after a period of however long it is he has been doing that. Shabidoo who loves to do "zany" stuff so he can get into the UnSignpost, has created an extra forum to ensure that absolutely nobody thanks Mattsnow and instead demonstrates just how hilarious they are. Congratulations to Zombiebaron who came out with the completely obvious joke before anyone else. Finally GlobalTourniquet, the new UnNews Quasar (by appointment of himself) is open to criticism... and penis, lol. VFHarassment By Chief There's nobody here... Remember the heady days of two weeks ago when we told you all to feel very bad because VFH didn't have enough nominations. Well forget that because now it does and we can move our sensationalist bandwagon elsewhere. Where better to send it than Pee review, currently known as the namespace that isn't a namespace that time forgot. Five reviews for the entire month of August demonstrates that nobody really seems particularly interested in assisting the review process. It might take a little while to do a Pee Review but there is a reason we have the space. It is of particular concern as we have a list of people who are supposed to be doing reviews at least once a month, myself included. Where are we? Who knows, but we certainly aren't perusing the list of articles awaiting review. Let's go over there! Let's bring Thekillerfroggy who can put a stern template at the top of the page and insist that this is hugely important to the wiki, guess what.... IT IS!!! Also there is likely to be a new VFS this month, bring on the voting, it makes everything better! REVIEW SOMETHING YOU BUNCH OF SLACKERS! Why, again, are we counting to a million? By One Step Away From Copyright Violation A tremendous waste of everybody's time please Carol Ever since 2008, Uncyclopedia has had a tradition of counting to a million. Started by Spang, this tradition has been going on for nearly five years. However, recently the question was asked relating to the value of the forum, with users complaining that it was "completely devoid of humor" and that it turns smart users into idiots. After mass protest (okay, not really) from the contributors of the thread and from someone else, said users commented on the forum saying that counting to a million is why so many articles supposedly suck nowadays and it's also why VFH is completely empty. It has also been stated that only idiots would do it. So now I'm attempting to answer it as quickly as I can: that's the point. We're idiots and we know that we're never going to make it to a million, but we want to see how close we can get anyway. So if you are the type of idiot that would write for Uncyclopedia, feel free to assist us in our count to one million, or close to.

Check out these pages! Tweet tweet Candy Girls! VFS!! The real VFS link From our logs: 03:08, August 30, 2012 Lee Harvey Osmond (talk | contribs) blocked 95.233.217.65 (talk) with an expiry time of infinite (if i were confident that you understood english, i'd say something naughty) 21:56, August 29, 2012 ChiefjusticeDS (talk | contribs) blocked 212.183.128.49 (talk) with an expiry time of 3 days (Caring about football... that's actually a life sentence when you think about it.) 00:03, August 30, 2012 RAHB (talk | contribs) blocked 76.178.53.110 (talk) with an expiry time of 3 months (Stay away from theatres, you thespian!) 19:02, September 3, 2012 RAHB (talk | contribs) blocked 86.151.117.175 (talk) with an expiry time of 1 week (lol blacks. They're almost as bad as Jews.) 02:32, August 29, 2012 Xamralco (talk | contribs) blocked Roccohene (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (Gambling is a sin, but Jesus still loves you. Visit your local church and repent today!) Biopic of the Week We haven't put the UnSignpost Dog in the UnSignpost for ages, so now we have. Old-school FA Since the dawn of time, Man has been responsible for creating his own entertainment. The ingenuity of the human mind has given us cock fighting, badger baiting, pogroms and, most consistently popular, WAR. Rarely has there been a time when man has not taken pleasure from smiting other men with the jaw-bone of an ass, or amused his friends by firing Phosphorus missiles into crowded population centres. But not all wars are the same, so just which wars did we enjoy the most? Over the centuries Historians have struggled to find consensus on just how to measure the popularity of wars and this dispute itself led to the so called “Wussy War” of 1952 when Professor AJP Taylor triumphed over the forces of Noam Chomsky. Newsroom UnTune of the week Piano Ballad

UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox

--ChiefjusticeXBox 10:58, September 6, 2012 (UTC)

Yes

You move it with the button atop the page, and in the "new title" box, you write: User:Joe9320/UnNews:NASA discovers Hot Dogs in Space Done! Don't fargett to tell the user in a nice way that it would need more work on his talk page though. :P Mattsnow 00:35, September 8, 2012 (UTC)

Dang - that moved it to User:User:Joe9320...etc. What do I select from the drop-down when I do this to prevent that? -- GlobalTourniquet: UnAstrologer, UnJournalist, shameless narcissistic America-hating liberal atheist award-winning featured writer 02:18, September 8, 2012 (UTC)

Woops lol. well, it must be "user"... That wasn't there in the good ol' days. Mattsnow 04:19, September 8, 2012 (UTC)

Well yeah that's what I did and it ended up like that. I guess I can fix it, but there will be a double redirect. I'm so cornfused. -- GlobalTourniquet: UnAstrologer, UnJournalist, shameless narcissistic America-hating liberal atheist award-winning featured writer 17:41, September 8, 2012 (UTC)

Just take the redirect to qvfd lol. Mattsnow 21:57, September 8, 2012 (UTC)

I think the function of the new and very helpful pulldown menu is to type the desired prefix for you. Your mistake was in also typing the prefix for yourself. My guess is that it will work if you do either one or the other; if you type User:Joe9320/pagename into "mainspace," it will result in a page name that nevertheless is in userspace. Spıke ¬ 11:33 9-Sep-12

Just rape my report.

I have absolutely have not give a damn about my article. So please, delete it. After a few days it becomes old. So next time, I'll do the whole stoner guy thing instead. |Si Plebius Dato' Joe ang Pinoy CUN|IC Kill | 07:55, September 8, 2012 (UTC)

Datelines

Mine hurts too. In the days before the UnNews Style Guide was made light, breezy, and useless, we used to specify that states of the US or provinces of Canada in UnNews datelines didn't need further clarification. Spıke ¬ 17:46 8-Sep-12

That can work too. I don't care which way we go, I just want to strive for consistency and I think someone mentioned that because we are all global and whatnot, it should be there. Now that I think about it, it's obvious without the country the way you describe. But do we alienate or offend those odd people on that little island where they talk funny english over there in Europe by doing that? Does anyone care? -- GlobalTourniquet: UnAstrologer, UnJournalist, shameless narcissistic America-hating liberal atheist award-winning featured writer 17:57, September 8, 2012 (UTC)

It is not only obvious without "USA," but you would not find any "legitimate" news outlet that found it necessary to specify where Tampa, Florida is, even to British readers. In addition, two years ago the Style Guide used to specify that carrying this joke further (Tampa, Florida, USA, North America, Earth, Solar System, Alpha Quadrant, Milky Way, Universe) was not to be done. I am all for consistency, and the best way to achieve it, and even get your correspondents to help, is to set it out in writing. Regarding insulting those quaint islanders, I wouldn't mind if the counties of England got the same concession; a dateline of "Reading, Berkshire" seems realistic to me if the story quickly clarifies for American dolts that it is about England. Spıke ¬ 11:30 9-Sep-12

Your horoscope

Chief, I am sometimes guilty of advocacy, but yours here is independent of yucks. "This week you will finally realize that your beloved Tea Party was being duped all along by a pair of sneering rich brothers out to destroy the country for their own personal gain, and then pigs will fly out of my ass." This is Koch-brothers dog-whistle stuff. The assertion that involvement in politics (on the side other than yours) necessarily screws everyone else is debatable (only, the debate belongs somewhere else). And the suggestion that the reader will realize what is happening only when pigs fly out of your ass also insults him. I don't know and won't know what you intend to do with this horoscope, but I repeat my advice that you keep it light and even-handed in matters of politics, religions, and races. Spıke ¬ 00:38 22-Sep-12

I have about 47 weeks of horoscopes written. That's 564 jokes, a large percentage of which I have gotten positive feedback about. Also, most of them insult the reader in one way or another. That one you point out is just one of many, and it's what it is. If you don't like it, there are literally hundreds others you can enjoy, the vast majority of which are completely apolitical. So I think perhaps I am not remiss in respectfully asking you to lighten up a bit about this problem you have with personal bias that you individually struggle to find funny. I can find a hundred people who do find that one hilarious, all of them angry liberals of course, and even probably a thousand if I go a step or two closer to Kevin Bacon. Please - this isn't your political forum. If something is funny to 40% of the people out there, I feel I have succeeded, even if it hurts some feelings or rubs some the wrong way. My plans for this and every other horoscope is by and large to try to be funny, and occasionaly I'll throw bones to my lefty brethren. But I even made skewering fun of Obama (Sagittarius) once when I despised his actions, and this is entirely appropriate. So please... lighten up. Thank you. -- GlobalTourniquet: UnAstrologer, UnJournalist, shameless narcissistic America-hating liberal atheist award-winning featured writer 00:58, September 22, 2012 (UTC)

And just for the record, I am fair and balanced - I will never ever ever tell you or anyone else not to satirize religion, politics or race, from any bias or angle. Certainly you must agree that Uncyclopedia is not only not a place for people sensitive to those things, but also is a place where a satirist can explore them freely. -- GlobalTourniquet: UnAstrologer, UnJournalist, shameless narcissistic America-hating liberal atheist award-winning featured writer 01:01, September 22, 2012 (UTC)

As Columbo said, "And one more thing" - you can't be "guilty" of something that is not a transgression. Two more things. "Independent of yucks" - I will quote you from The Dude: "That's just like, your opinion, man." -- GlobalTourniquet: UnAstrologer, UnJournalist, shameless narcissistic America-hating liberal atheist award-winning featured writer 01:20, September 22, 2012 (UTC)

That's, like, all it is. Am not saying you can't write humor; just that that one was ladled on too thick for me. Cheers. Spıke ¬ 18:47 22-Sep-12

Can you teach me how to UnNews?

Please. I would be happy if I found an article of a current event to satirize. Then I can move to Cracked.com. |Si Plebius Dato' Joe ang Pinoy CUN|IC Kill | 11:25, September 23, 2012 (UTC)

I'm afraid moving to Cracked.com is an aspiration I'm not qualified to assist with. I could help you improve your satire game to make it on Illogicopedia though if you want. -- GlobalTourniquet: UnAstrologer, UnJournalist, shameless narcissistic America-hating liberal atheist award-winning featured writer 16:06, September 23, 2012 (UTC)

I'll take Illogicopedia. |Si Plebius Dato' Joe ang Pinoy CUN|IC Kill | 11:47, September 24, 2012 (UTC)

Joe, if you will look up the December 2010 version of UnNews:Style (before the start of the campaign to make the document "a little less fascist"), you'll see a variety of ways to convert current events into satire. Reading any wire story with that in mind should lead to a variety of entertaining angles. Spıke ¬ 17:18 23-Sep-12

Sorry, I interpreted the "Then I can move to Cracked.com" comment to be indicating that he was being snarky and facetious. I may have been wrong. I could certainly help also. -- GlobalTourniquet: UnAstrologer, UnJournalist, shameless narcissistic America-hating liberal atheist award-winning featured writer 05:27, September 24, 2012 (UTC)

Everyone must move from here to somewhere--At least, lately they don't seem to be sticking around here. Rereading Joe's question, if what he's asking is where to find the straight articles to begin with, I like myway.com as an unobtrusive way to gain access to wire stories. Spıke ¬ 11:09 24-Sep-12

My leftie counterpart

If you are really my leftie counterpart here, I have two favors to ask:

• On Uncyclopedia:VFH/UnNews:Riots spread across Arabia protesting American cinema--I nominated this recent UnNews of mine, after the previous nomination was featured, based on your praise of it on my talk page. But now Matt Lobster has a No vote which (if not just general snippiness) may be saying that this UnNews is an exact example of the apparent advocacy I've recently campaigned against in the Forum. Would you please re-read and see if you think he has a point? Regardless of what I believe, does it seem that I am primarily putting down the Administration rather than primarily having fun? I thought it was sufficiently light-hearted, but parts of it I have now heard from several conservative "funny men" who were not interested in using it to get laughs.
• On my new Talk radio, could you suggest a few additional directions in which to take it? Spıke ¬ 16:08 24-Sep-12

I'll have a second look in a bit, but as you might have known, my first reaction to your statement is, if you are primarily putting down the administration, then as long as it's funny, I have no problem with it. Having fun is not more important than making fun of something you find ridiulous, even in anger or frustration. It's healthy. But I know that you feel differently and I respect that, so I'll give you an honest opinion. Your satire is really excellent and my yes vote is purely based on that - if he is voting you down for the reason you state then his vote should be discounted in a perfect world - VFH votes should obviously never be personal outside of personal taste for humor. -- GlobalTourniquet: UnAstrologer, UnJournalist, shameless narcissistic America-hating liberal atheist award-winning featured writer 18:26, September 24, 2012 (UTC)

Mmm, yes, this may be difficult, as you have not just a different political view but a different humor threshold. I had great fun writing that UnNews, but the key in my mind (especially on VFH) is whether the reader will have fun reading it. Part of it reads a lot like a witty Limbaugh monologue, but part of it is really about F Troop and Pollyanna, like Hillary's view of "first aid"--and Romney is there as just as big a dufus. At any rate, I'll welcome a second opinion. Spıke ¬ 19:56 24-Sep-12

OK well, regarding your question about the article, I reread it carefully with that consideration, and I can see how someone might feel the way you fear Matt Lobster is, but I don't know - they would really have to be overly sensitive about it in my view. His comment on the vote is cryptic to me - did you discuss this with him, or are you just concerned he might be thinking that? Anyway, by making sure you appear to be actual news you generally do a good job avoiding that type of author character in most of your articles. However in this piece, there is a bit of a sense of an author-character bias. There are a number of instances where the same joke can be told using a more neutral point of view simply by changing the language to attribute rather than state. When The Onion is looking to present this, I find that there are attributive statements to tell their jokes as opposed to faux-factual statements.

Here's a good example I think regarding this concern: "At least one of these assertions is a blatant lie" as opposed to "At least one of these assertions has been identified by observers as a blatant lie" - it's simple things like that; the passive voice exonerates your author. Of course "Secretary of Snake" and "Ben-Gay or Benghazi or..." unattributed to Romney and in fact almost attributed to the writer (?) also doesn't help the NPOV effort. I love this joke: "which Libyan peasants carry at all times" - and I would not change it. But it is another example of something that makes the writer the joke teller - an NPOV version of this would be "which Libyan peasants reportedly carry at all times". That said, I think the way you tell it is funnier. This is a great example of what I mean that I think you are striving for. I scoured this article and could not find one joke told via a faux-factual statement (in other words, a charged biased statement by the author character). All of the jokes are in comments attributed to the candidate, I don't think there is a single instance there of the author character being snarky. And it's a great way to get the jokes told. If you really want to strive for this ideal, I think looking at where the author character is telling the joke - is the one being snarky - I think this is a key thing here, and might assuage your sense of guilt about (of course I mean exonerate you from the charge of) blatant advocacy. Two cents. -- GlobalTourniquet: UnAstrologer, UnJournalist, shameless narcissistic America-hating liberal atheist award-winning featured writer 22:18, September 24, 2012 (UTC)

Well, thank you, and the best bit of advice here is to go to the Horse's Mouth, as I have not done; I'll now go to Matt Lobster and ask him to come here and comment. I do usually strive to make the narrator seem neutral, and failed in a couple respects here, but as you note, it was fun doing so. Spıke ¬ 22:56 24-Sep-12

PS--Did that, but following a conversation about what it means that he has emptied out his user page. It's usually not a good sign. Spıke ¬ 23:10 24-Sep-12

OK I am a dumb cluck. I get it now. But then again I am a libtard, so what can you expect? I just realized what you are saying the cryptic message means. Duh. Sometimes I am slow - in fact that's why I took the bold initiative to interpret Joe's comment above as jest - I didn't want to risk missing the joke. Anyhoo, by "Did I pass?", he obviously meant he was making the bold assumption that your article is a test to see if we all got your drift about the advocacy problem and would appropriately vote against it! Hahahaha! Duh. Wow - well, I've just been through a house fire followed by whole-family-living-in-a-hotel over here, so I'll ecxcuse my dumb cluckness this time. I think you are right. -- GlobalTourniquet: UnAstrologer, UnJournalist, shameless narcissistic America-hating liberal atheist award-winning featured writer 00:45, September 25, 2012 (UTC)

Oh yeah, and I'll try to read Talk radio carefully tonight. I skimmed it, and it does look like it could use a punch-up here or there. -- GlobalTourniquet: UnAstrologer, UnJournalist, shameless narcissistic America-hating liberal atheist award-winning featured writer 00:48, September 25, 2012 (UTC)

Matt lobster replies

Spike, I've only just caught up with your Biden UnNews. This is rare genius and was deservedly featured. Even though as a piece of work it clearly makes a political point, the narrator still maintains the illusion of impartiality. This new UnNews does not (in my opinion) have a narrator that appears impartial. It just reads a little bit like a rant. I thought it may be a deliberate attempt to provoke after the political advocacy forum you created. mAttlobster. (hello) 12:05, September 25, 2012 (UTC)

Thanks for your praise and reply. I do not indeed nominate to provoke or to "test" voters. (Such gaming of the Uncyclopedia infrastructure got you a short ban in the Mordillo days.) But if that is how it reads to you, then your vote is justified.

I can see three political wisecracks that I snuck into the story (regarding the US being an "honest broker," hinting at Obama's years-ago "acted stupidly" remark about the Cambridge police, and regarding Obama's stay at Columbia). They were so out-of-character for the newsman that I omitted them from the UnNews Audio and have now deleted them from the text. And I'll put quotes around the Ben-Gay stuff as this was always intended to be a bumbling Romney quote. "Secretary of Snake" did make it into the Audio, but it could have been the narrator's ineptitude. (I also had him state the date as "twenty oh twelve," reprising a joke from Walt Kelly in Pogo.) I'll undo this in the text.

I'll leave the assertions that Arab youths always carry English signage and that the movie tells a "blatant lie" about Muhammad. The change GT suggests above would burden the reader with more complicated sentences, solely to let me pat myself on the back for being perfectly unbiased. But perfect neutrality is not my goal. That the article should not "read...like a rant," is. Or at least should not start out like a rant; sometimes it's fun when an article degenerates.

Neutrality is not an orthodoxy of mine either. In the past, I've read an AP wire that sounded so in-the-tank for Obama that I've written UnNewses that tie themselves in knots with spin. As the newsman usually gets the facts woefully wrong, he is allowed to get his entire profession wrong too. GT, I do not have a single "right" way to write an UnNews, but my assumption is that our reader is a reader of the real news, and on the Front Page and at the start of articles, we should meet him on his grounds--before we start to play with his head. Spıke ¬ 12:46, 12:59 25-Sep-12

That's a good approach - I like it a lot. I also like the Jon Stewart approach. I also like the Stephen Colbert approach. But then I also like the Norm MacDonald approach, which leaves me without peer it seems. -- GlobalTourniquet: UnAstrologer, UnJournalist, shameless narcissistic America-hating liberal atheist award-winning featured writer 14:25, September 26, 2012 (UTC)

Eugene Ionesco

Afraid I don't know enough to tell whether this is a good article. But it is clearly good work.

Also, I read your notice to "reporters" in the Forum. You might be better for the job than I was. I would not have bounced an UnNews that, for instance, ridiculed a politician I sympathize with; but I encountered and opposed a few that struck me as pure advocacy rather than humor, referring again to my recent sermon in the Forum. And there was a notorious article on the Wisconsin impasse a couple years ago whose take was that everyone is acting like kindergarteners; I found that woefully inadequate compared to playing on the excesses being committed by both sides. I set to edit it, committing the sin you describe of substituting my jokes for someone else's. On the other hand, this comment of yours suggests a model under which the author owns an UnNews. I like that model, as there are pages here over which I act as owner, but you may be setting yourself up for endless grief.

A point you neglect is that the threshold depends on the author. There was an era where Funnybony would drop an article a day into UnNews, some of them merely mechanical transformations, Russian Reversals, of the actual news. On those occasions where I saw new segues and links, I savaged his stuff and he enjoyed being part owner of the result.

My biggest problem was articles that amused the author by pranking the Front Page without being amusing. I wanted the Front Page to read like real news, until one reads it. Froggy's perennial thesis that we must provoke, I view as self-amusement rather than entertainment of the reader. No problem with a page that does both. Spıke ¬ 20:39 28-Sep-12

Yeah the Ionesco piece may be a little too obscure, but my hope is at least anyone who knows his plays would enjoy it. I said as much on its talk page. I just feel like it's OK for it to sit in its little corner and be there if anyone cares.

As for the little manifesto - I would never say one of us is better for the job. Any time there is a change at the top of something, that thing will take on a new personality. I feel that as long as the approach is sound - a somewhat vague term I'll admit - one UnNews chief is only better than another for how much better he or she maintains standards of excellence within that approach. I am planning on being the best UnNews chief ever, so only if that happens will I accept the notion that I am better for the job than you were. It's good to try something a little different though. I think Zim was the chief for most of the time I was writing UnNews before I left for a year or so, and I was weaned on his standards - that may be part of my make-up here. I think I may have missed your tenure, but I'm sure - and in fact I have heard - that you "maintain[ed] standards of excellence" within your approach with great aplomb. And aplombs are rare.

The model I hope to implement is a combination - generally each author is the sole (or at least main) owner of his or her UnNews, while I take full responsibility for the overall quality of the place. But endless grief - I hear you there. Fortunately it's a bit quiet here these days. That quietude has two sides of course - we are probably as deprived of genius as we are spared from riff-raff for the moment. I have user-spaced I think three articles, with near-pee-review commentary on the authors' talk pages, only to be greeted by crickets (or otherwise lack of passion for the sacred task of UnNews journalism). So yeah. Endless grief may be rearing its ugly head at me as I type. -- GlobalTourniquet: UnAstrologer, UnJournalist, shameless narcissistic America-hating liberal atheist award-winning featured writer 21:05, September 28, 2012 (UTC)

award

	Writer of the Month September 2012

~Sir Frosty (Talk to me!) 01:16, October 1, 2012 (UTC)

Hey! Just wanted to let you know it wasn't trolling... and the insults are not directed to actually anyone. I made it all up.

Just made this up with a FB friend and RAHB and Zombiebaron suggested nominating it. --General of All Branches of the Military and the Head of the State Police Eric (talk) 00:04, October 3, 2012 (UTC)

UnNews:Prof sues law school for bias against conservatives

I appreciate your effusive praise of me in nominating this. (I threw {{VFH}} on the item itself.) I would conclude that you like my work--but you also gave an attaboy to 1rageagainstme2 for his, um, contribution, so it probably means you are simply doing what a very good UnNews Chief does. Cheers! Spıke ¬ 21:13 15-Oct-12

I'm such a good chief, in fact, that my main concern in writing what I did to him was that it would come across condescending instead of the encouragement to improve that I hope it will be. If you have not, check my note to him/her on his/her talk page - I hope I gave it to the writer straight without mincing words about the article's lack of quality, but also without insulting or discouraging. I actually think there may be potential here if we can up the funny and fix the style. Maybe. -- GlobalTourniquet: UnAstrologer, UnJournalist, shameless narcissistic America-hating liberal atheist award-winning featured writer 21:20, October 15, 2012 (UTC)

You know, Spike, I just re-read your note there just now and got a clearer picture of the gist of it. Sometimes I'm a little slow. Anyway, I wanted to point out to you that this article is the only UnNews article I have ever VFH'd. That ought to indicate something to you regardless of what I might say to someone whose work enjoys less brilliance in my capacity as very good UnNews chief. Your satire is top notch. You remain one of UnNews's great assets. Period. -- GlobalTourniquet: UnAstrologer, UnJournalist, shameless narcissistic America-hating liberal atheist award-winning featured writer 18:35, October 18, 2012 (UTC)

Please don't read anything more in that message than there is; I do appreciate your praise and regard it as one aspect of good management, and of course you should give encouragement to others as well. In fact, your concern about how everything seems (to him and to me) is another aspect of good management. To him, having given an attaboy on an otherwise scathing nomination, seeming condescending is a slight risk. Spıke ¬ 20:24 18-Oct-12

PS on old business: I'm satisfied on what Talk radio has become, but it has a gaping lack of photos after the start. Shoop-o-potamus Zombiebaron did not reply to a request. Complete shoops or mere suggestions are welcome. Spıke ¬ 20:26 18-Oct-12

Oh my bad. I completely forgot about the Talk Radio request. I'll tie a string around my finger about it. -- GlobalTourniquet: UnAstrologer, UnJournalist, shameless narcissistic America-hating liberal atheist award-winning featured writer 21:47, October 18, 2012 (UTC)

Proofreading UnNews

Thanks for tweaking today's UnNews. I followed Strunk & White and put the comma (also periods) inside quotes because it looks better. (Wikipedia says to put them inside or outside depending on whether they belong in the thing quoted.) (Incidentally, on italics ending with punctuation, the punctuation must be italic or it drifts apart from the text.) More uncommonly, I capitalize after a colon if and only if the thing after the colon is a complete sentence in its own right; the capital letter is a parsing key for the reader. Spıke ¬ 15:42 19-Oct-12

In my little manifesto I decreed that we will use the British standard for punctuation with quotes. Why? Because we need to pick a standard and that's the one that looks best and makes the most sense to me. Regarding the capitalization after the colon thing - yeah, it is in dispute. Let's look at it across different respected manuals of style and we'll pick a standard that is generally newspaper standardy, if there is one. My feeling is only capitalize if it's a quote (though we don't generally introduce quotes with colons unless there's a separate justification for the colon, like the preceding clause is explicitly introductory of the quoted concept), or if there are more than one complete sentences following. Anyway, we'll talk about it and agree on a standard. Then I'll add it to the manifesto. I also generally favor italicizing punctuation after italics. Nice article, though. What an interesting, absurd scenario to be so truly defensible. -- GlobalTourniquet: UnAstrologer, UnJournalist, shameless narcissistic America-hating liberal atheist award-winning featured writer 16:07, October 19, 2012 (UTC)

PS--If you elect to feature my UnNews:Windows 8 baffles users; but, screw 'em! (on the Front Page and/or in {{RecentUnNews}}, note that there is an Audio and please cite it with {{InlineMedia}} as I've done nearby. This Audio does not have the same name as its UnNews, because of all those squiggly marks, but is named simply File:UnNews--Windows 8 baffles users.mp3. Spıke ¬ 16:34 21-Oct-12

Spike, I'm swamped at the moment. If you like you can take care of that for me. If not I can get to it later tonight. In fact, as far as I'm concerned, you always have leave to add your own articles to the recent template any time you want to if I'm delayed for any reason. Largely because you rock and that. -- GlobalTourniquet: UnAstrologer, UnJournalist, shameless narcissistic America-hating liberal atheist award-winning featured writer 19:29, October 22, 2012 (UTC)

There is no rush and no compelling reason for me to do your job for you. In fact, I "beta-tested" the Windows 8 story on a companion during yesterday's NFL game and he complained that it was too much like real news. (Namely, jokes not packed densely enough.) So I have condensed the UnNews and even re-cut the Audio. Spıke ¬ 19:50 22-Oct-12

PS--Now I have partly reverted you on this UnNews. Fixing my dangling participle regarding Star Trek versus the experts was a good catch. However, on one other point, where you reference back to this discussion, you're just wrong:

You punctuate this way (when the thing in parens isn't a complete sentence).

Now you do it this way. (Because now it is.)

I have never read anything anywhere to the contrary. On the other points of grammar I raised above: I readily yield to you on lowercase-after-colon, as I don't even agree it is in dispute; I know of no other writer who does it my way. And I don't mind doing some things British, if a Brit is going to take on the editing job. (If you aren't British, doing so is perverse.) Spıke ¬ 17:05 23-Oct-12

Ignoring for the moment that "because now it is" is not a complete sentence ( :) ), I am aware that it is grammatically acceptable to form a parenthetical complete sentence. You may also do it the way I changed it, also perfectly grammatically acceptable. It is, in my view, almost always possible to reword so as to avoid the situation, and maybe I could have presented my case by a more substantial rewording. It's just that I personally hate seeing it except where really necessary - I find it clumsy and distracting. But I accept your preference. As for the British standard for quote punctuation, one, when I get through it will be the American standard, and two, it is already changing here - you will find many American publications using that standard. Maybe even most by now. It is "perverse", and a stupid affectation, to use the words "colour" or "theatre". But this standard is having its way here and I think it's because it's really more sensible. Love the article (as usual), by the way. -- GlobalTourniquet: UnAstrologer, UnJournalist, shameless narcissistic America-hating liberal atheist award-winning featured writer 18:48, October 23, 2012 (UTC)

Earth Demon

You may be right about the quotations, I don't like writing that way though as I feel the quotes are all part of one sentence, regardless the contents. However, as for the earth demon, it is intended to be a trait of the demon; a demon that causes earth-related disaster (earthquakes). This is one of the references to fantasy games (the point in that, of course, being how ridiculous the true story is). Also, the article mentions them twice, but you only changed the first instance, making it inconsistent.
◄► UnUnUn ium ◄► 23:45, October 24, 2012 (UTC)

Then earth demon it is, per your clarification. Obviously I would have changed the second one to be capitalized too if I had seen it later, but of course now I won't. -- GlobalTourniquet: UnAstrologer, UnJournalist, shameless narcissistic America-hating liberal atheist award-winning featured writer 23:49, October 24, 2012 (UTC)

Oh, and if I failed to mention - amusing article. I liked it. I was considering how to satirize that absurd situation a bit earlier myself, but this is a really good concept and execution. Nice work. -- GlobalTourniquet: UnAstrologer, UnJournalist, shameless narcissistic America-hating liberal atheist award-winning featured writer 23:52, October 24, 2012 (UTC)

Well I am glad you think so, as it is my first UnNews piece. I have little free time for Uncyclopedia these days, so I may start doing more UnNews bits as they take much less time.
◄► UnUnUn ium ◄► 23:57, October 24, 2012 (UTC)

Thanks

For the proof-reading - much better now. I'll try and do more myself next time. mAttlobster. (hello) 17:27, October 26, 2012 (UTC)

I took one hell of a break

I was pretty busy, but now I think I'll edit a little more often. How's it going with the UnNews thing? You seem to be doing really fine! :) The only thing that jumped out was how long of the article you put on the UnNews pages, almost in their entirety! But I digress, you're in charge lol. Any questions? Did people criticize anything? I'd sure be on your side. Maybe I'll get around to writing soon. Mattsnow 02:45, October 31, 2012 (UTC)

That was nowhere near a hell of a break - that was wimpy. I was inactive for about a year and a half. Come talk to me about hell when you top that, my friend. Oh yeah, and I've cut those UnNews page articles waaay down from when I was first doing it. You should have seen some of those. I'm learning. Anyway, it's not bad. It's just thankless enough to keep me bitter and angry about it, so that part is good. They say haters are going to hate, but no one has hated without cause and we've managed the few little issues with consideration and care for quality as job one, I think. So, rage quit doesn't look to be fewer than four or five "earth" vs. "Earth" arguments away, so I'm good for now. I do appreciate the care though, that's very sweet. Thanks. -- GlobalTourniquet: UnAstrologer, UnJournalist, shameless narcissistic America-hating liberal atheist award-winning featured writer 15:41, October 31, 2012 (UTC)

would you like?

Would you like me to ask you if an article's nom worthy before I nom it? Until I work up humor?--General of All Branches of the Military and the Head of the State Police Eric (talk) 23:31, November 1, 2012 (UTC)

Wow. This reaction is encouraging. If ED were more suited for you - as I perhaps hastily concluded - then your reaction would have been more immaturely defensive. OK. So clearly your desire to succeed here is strong, because this approach you've chosen in reaction to my nom comment shows a great combination of humbleness and balls. If anything will, that will be a huge factor in your success here. But my answer to your question is, certainly not - that would violate the spirit of the community. I would steer you a different direction altogether for now, away from VFH. I wish Pee Review were active like it used to be, that would be your very best avenue to understanding the nature of the humor ideals here. But for now how about instead of focusing on VFH nominations, you focus on writing an article and getting feedback. Is there an article you're working on where I can maybe give you feedback about how to bend the writing more toward Uncyclopedia style humor? -- GlobalTourniquet: UnAstrologer, UnJournalist, shameless narcissistic America-hating liberal atheist award-winning featured writer 23:45, November 1, 2012 (UTC)

User:Kamek98/Guinness Book of Lame Records, Ancient Aliens, User:Kamek98/Samurai Warriors --General of All Branches of the Military and the Head of the State Police Eric (talk) 00:10, November 2, 2012 (UTC)

Could you vote on hairy ball theorem? --General of All Branches of the Military and the Head of the State Police Eric (talk) 00:11, November 2, 2012 (UTC)

And then could you suggest photos for Talk radio? Spıke ¬ 00:20 2-Nov-12

Kamek, have you pored through UN:HTBFANJS yet? You see, what this is is a fake encyclopedia. And, while there are many approaches to writing an article--especially in the different spaces such as HowTo:--the usual one is to write a page that looks exactly like a Wikipedia page...until...the reader starts reading and realizes that it's pure crap! Now, on your projects: No one is going to look up the encyclopedia page on "Ancient Aliens"; that's sort of a slogan, or a case where the title is the punch line and the reader already has to know the joke. Guinness Book of Lame Records: Okay, that could exist, but again, the reader is not going to come looking for it. Samurai Warriors: Okay, that's a video game (I'll take your word for it). That one is very unfinished. The other two strike me as not fitting the "encyclopedia" gag, nor any other. The author is intoxicated with being on stage, in a forum where he can jive to strangers about not giving two shits. It might help if we turned it around and you told me what your plan is for getting the reader to laugh.

I am perhaps more annoyed at excessive swearing than most other Uncyclopedians. The reason is that it breaks the encylopedia gag too quickly. I didn't swear at all in the title of UnNews:Windows 8 baffles users; but, screw 'em! though it discloses the theme of the article. I don't swear at all in the UnNews--until "whereas actual customers generally just wish they could find the God-damned things." The page has been very dry, but this outburst is like a boring teacher suddenly slapping you on the cheek. Spıke ¬ 00:31 2-Nov-12

Ancient Aliens

For Ancient Aliens I wanted to base it on the TV show and meme of Ancient Aliens, look up an episode its quite easy material for an uncyclopedia page. For the Lame Records I wanted to get out the point of most of actual book's records are quite stupid and no one cares in a sarcastic kind of way. Samurai Warriors is a video game based off from Warring States Japan and is a spinoff of Dynasty Warriors, a spinoff of the Romance of the Three Kingdoms video games which are based from the books. I wanted to make it a samurai view point, like as if the samurai saw like a pissed off DW fan's original creation and edited it to make it look like a non-ripoff. (Actually isn't, its a spinoff) The strikes are basically the edits.--General of All Branches of the Military and the Head of the State Police Eric (talk) 00:33, November 2, 2012 (UTC)

Yes I've pored through the UN:HTBFANJS--General of All Branches of the Military and the Head of the State Police Eric (talk) 00:43, November 2, 2012 (UTC)

On Ancient Aliens: Sorry, my ignorance. Am reading Wikipedia right now (ah, so that's who Tsoukalos is!). More to follow. Spıke ¬ 00:45 2-Nov-12

I love Ancient Aliens and some of it is convincing. That's why I wanted to start this.--General of All Branches of the Military and the Head of the State Police Eric (talk) 00:48, November 2, 2012 (UTC)

OK, I get it now. Well, tells a joke by beating it into the ground. Too many quotes (two entire groups of them! and Captain Obvious is almost always unwelcome), too many See also's. The first-person thing needs to be done with extreme care. So basically Tsoukalos is simply a con artist, and you have him giving a speech. Only, when he goes, "So therefore, shut up and believe me!" at the end of the first section, why read further? In my opinion, what you ought to do (to justify an article-length article) is to have it start out almost believable, and gradually toward the end have him get dumber and dumber, until he makes it clear that "aliens" is his answer to pretty much anything. Spıke ¬ 00:54 2-Nov-12

Maybe could you start the intro and first paragraph to give me an idea?--General of All Branches of the Military and the Head of the State Police Eric (talk) 00:57, November 2, 2012 (UTC)

Done. Just like that. Start slow and get crazier. By the way, that's way more illustrations than a usual article has--they push each other out of position, on my screen--and they are all the same joke (and most of them are the same illustration) (about which, that guy has the ugliest hairdo since Vir Cotto on Babylon 5). Spıke ¬ 01:27 2-Nov-12

Talk radio bis

I reply to you on my talk page on your handling of the red-link for Air America in Talk radio, but then made unrelated changes, so you might never see it. In summary, using a pipe-link to surreptitiously translate it to tumbleweeds is funny, but so was the red-link, which implied that Air America is such a financial failure as to not even have an Uncyclopedia entry; I have enhanced the See Also section with such a red-link, so my talk page challenges you to achieve your beloved consistency, or let it stand, as you wish. I also tweaked your illustrations, though I am still grateful for them. Spıke ¬ 23:23 3-Nov-12

It is your article, you are absolutely welcome - for the help and to adjust as you see fit. I was happy for the opportunity to offer my ideas and suggestions. Either way it's a feature. -- GlobalTourniquet: UnAstrologer, UnJournalist, shameless narcissistic America-hating liberal atheist award-winning featured writer 01:16, November 4, 2012 (UTC)

Can you play around with my edits on Samurai Warriors?

--General of All Branches of the Military and the Head of the State Police Eric (talk) 18:40, November 4, 2012 (UTC)

Horoscopes, Pee Review, VfH

I wrote some horoscopes, hope that's alright. Don't know they update on the main page, but felt like the pre-election ones should be updated!

Remainder of discussion is now Forum:Merge VFH and Pee Review?

Extra! Extra! News that's not new to you!

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

The Newspaper With Words n' Shit!

Nov 20rd, 2012 • Issue 175 • The edition that's black and white and dead all over

We are all doomed, and it's Wikia's fault By Bizzeebeever Shown: Wikia It's been a quiet four months at Uncyclopedia, our hometown, out here on the edge of the prairie, and it's not just because Wikia have murdered everyone and are currently bathing in golden tubs filled with their blood. It seems Uncyclopedia has lost more users than John Travolta has lost gerbils up his own butt, but fear not, Uncyclopedians-who-have-been-here-less-than-one-month! Long-time wunderkind and beloved administrator Frosty (sorry, are we laying it on too thickly?) has a plan to save us, and it involves... getting himself run over by a car. Ha ha! Actually, he posted a forum topic, accompanied by a vote, because that's what Uncyclopedians do in times of crisis, and it always works. Forum:Petitions to make all our users that quit comeback attempts to galvanize Uncyclopedia's remaining users to action by reminding them that we used to have members, Oh! so many members! Most of whom were better than us! Please sign a petition asking them back—sign, you ungrateful todgers, like your lives depend on it—and then email them all on the 14th! In theory, the people receiving said emails will return to Uncyclopedia with smiles on their faces and bliss in their hearts. In practice, however, the plan has been difficult to implement. And by "difficult", we mean "slightly impossible". A frustrated user has narrowed the plan's failure to three causes: Wikia sucks dicks Wikia is Satan Wikia sucks Satan's dick As it turns out, Wikia has limited the number of emails users can send to each other to ONE PER BLOODY DAY, rendering Frosty's scheme to bury our departed users under an avalanche of spam all for naught. As of Monday, November 19, exactly two departed users have been persuaded to return by the campaign, and nobody likes Kakun or Oliphaunte anyway, because they are useless puddles of suckage. It's just as well; most current Uncyclopedians are slightly too drunk to notice that putting a running chainsaw against one's neck is a bad idea, much less understand what the petition is all about. At any rate, if you haven't accidentally decapitated yourself with a chainsaw, do have a look at that forum, and if necessary, make yourself one or two (or forty) sockpuppets, just to spam those long-departed users of ours. The Cabal Wills It.* *(Note: There Is No Cabal) Frosty is dead. By Bizzeebeever Requiscat in pace, Frost-dude. No, you read that wrong, he is just dead inside. Earlier this month, Frosty nearly had the shit murdered out of him by a car. Luckily, as Frosty is a typical Australian teenager, he was protected from serious harm by his protein-based exoskeleton and his thick layer of poisonous, mucosal warts. The car is expected to recover in time for the rematch; in an interview with our correspondent, the car shouted numerous dark threats while leaping onto a turnbuckle and shredding its T-shirt. In the interim, Frosty has been resting comfortably with the aid of codeine, alcohol, and oral favors from the Asian transsexuals arrayed at his feet. "I find Uncyclopedia no longer holds the same draw for me as it did before," said Frosty, "especially since I've been getting oral favours from these Asian transsexuals arrayed at my feet." So weep, all ye who read this, for Frosty has joined the ranks of the undead, despised by God and abhorred by the God-fearing. On the upside: he can now appreciate those movies about sparkly vampires. On the downside: he wants our blood. RUN! Return of the Prodigal Son By Bizzeebeever Hearts and minds were filled with joy last month by the tentative return of beloved Uncyclopedian Bizzeebeever, who became scarce in July, leaving behind a terse apology for "having no money for Internetting". Current Uncyclopedia ghost Lyritha was heard to say "Buckets, remind me who that is, again..." before floating away down a corridor, moaning and rattling chains. Or rather, she would have, if ghosts were real, and if we'd asked her. Bizzeebeever's return is said to augur good tidings for the wiki, even though his current contributions consist of pointless pot-shots at Wikia, and short, pithy remarks left on talk pages, such as "fuck you, I hope you are dead", and "please disregard the previous comment, my penis was caught in a pencil sharpener". He also lurks for hours on IRC, talking and playing UnTrivia by himself. It will surprise no one at all that Bizzeebeever is now the person most accomplished at playing with himself; when we asked Zombiebaron about Bizzeebeever's remarkable dominance of a game that no one else plays, he was heard to remark "Zombiebaron", which our interpreters took to mean "Can someone please ban that guy? I am too lazy to do it myself." We at the Unsignpost do hope that Bizzeebeever holds on to his current position as Head of Quality Assurance at the dildo factory, for we have missed his hilarious forum posts almost as much as we missed his habit of talking himself up in the Unsignpost ...and his limpid blue eyes ...and his silky-soft golden locks ...and the charmingly-gnarled 40 kg tumor jutting from his neck—you know the one, it resembles the offspring of a blood tangerine and a baboon, and contains both hair and teeth...? (That might be his head; we're not sure.) Anyway, yes, we all love Bizzeebeever, and we hope he stays "returned", at least until the judge decides whether to hold him indefinitely, or just chemically castrate him, for the safety of the public. Return of the OTHER Prodigal Son By: Bizzeebeever This past week, another intermittent Uncyclopedia member (and full-time Mensch-in-Chief), TKF, returned to swear at SPIKE; delete articles which had even votes on VFD; ban people; feature an article with one "For" vote, one "Against" vote, and one comment on VFH; and be a generally hilarious excuse for an administrator. We all want to be you when we grow up, TKF!

Check out these pages! Some forum or other Almost forgot about this one... ZOMG NOOOOOO! Morons whining impotently As usual, VOTE YOU FAGS Srsly, somebody should do something about this shit Current op abuse: 04:58, November 6, 2012 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked Romartus (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 day ‎ (Adding yourself to ban patrol (I seroiusly tried very hard not to do this, I SWEAR!)) 10:31, November 17, 2012 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked Bizzeebeever (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (Shame on you for hating on Australian films! [DO NOT UNBAN]) 03:00, November 18, 2012 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked Aimsplode (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 5 years ‎ (Asked to be blocked for 5 seconds, alas I can't spell.) 19:24, November 19, 2012 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked ChiefjusticeDS (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (Nothing can get me ready for a day of school like blocking chief for no reason.) 14:38, March 25, 2024 Famine (Talk | contribs) blocked Everyone (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (Wouldn't it be cool if this actually happened (lol)) Biopic of the Week This week's biopic concerns Hipster, who used to be Hypster, who used to be Another n00b, who was ...apparently a doody-headed dildo who pissed off other users by NOT INDENTING COMMENTS PROPERLY and BEING FOURTEEN YEARS OLD. (No, seriously.) A doody-headed dildo who was given his very own section in the Right Honourable Flammable's Bureau of Overreaction, Never-ending Embarrassment and Regret (BONER), shortly before accepting a free ban for life from Zombiebaron. However, the Autist Previously Known As Another_N00b made his return to the wiki via sockpuppet last year, and only just this week was found out...by audaciously admitting who he was, right there on his talk page, for God and all the bourgeoisie to see. Unfortunately for those whose ban-fingers were itching this week, the incorrigible little twit seems intent on becoming a useful member of society, seeking redemption by turning 17, making edits that aren't actually vandalism, and (only occasionally) calling other users "utter fuckwads". He even wished Uncyc admin Frosty a speedy recovery from his car accident with the tremendous words "Exactly how does any of this nonsense affect me and why should I care?" We at the Unsignpost salute Hipster on his freewheeling, brutally honest style, and wish him the best of luck in the forty minutes that will elapse before Frosty drops a uranium banhammer on him. We're rooting for ya, Hipster! Old-School FA A popular defensive measure during the Medieval period, the bouncy castle dissuaded attack by bouncing. Bouncy castles look exactly like static castles, except for the enormous springs concealed in the cellar. As an enemy, such as Goths, Vandals or rabbits approached, castle staff would release the springs causing the entire castle to shoot up into the air, thus saving it from plunder. The first recorded idea for the bouncy castle comes from the notebooks of Leonardo da Vinci. Forward thinking as ever, da Vinci rendered his castle complete with springs, airbags, electric windows, CD player and machine guns to deal with helicopter attacks. Like so many of da Vinci's ideas, however, it was hundreds of hours before anyone put it into practice. Word of the week, provided by: Bizzeebeever Castoreum: \cas*to"re*um\ n. 1. a peculiar bitter orange-brown substance, with strong, penetrating odor, found in two sacs between the anus and external genitals of the beaver. You're welcome. Note: No Uncyclopedia dog this week. As the Unsignpost could no longer afford the Uncyclopedia dog's increasingly ludicrous demands for royalties, he has been made redundant. His relatives have been notified.

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 ~ BB ~ (T) ~ Tue, Nov 20 '12 9:20 (UTC)

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The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

The Newspaper That Replaces Analysis With Flashy Graphics!

Nov 27, 2012 • Issue 176 • I scream, you scream, we all scream...for painful orgasms

Good news, everybody! We're saved! By: Bizzeebeever No, Uncyclopedia has not gotten religion; it's still full of degenerates, wang vandals, and that scourge of gay men everywhere: uncensored images of boobies. However, it has seen a recent influx of old and new users, most of whom apparently never got the memo about how Uncyclopedia sucks, or how Uncyclopedia is dying, or how Uncyclopedia will be contagious for another six weeks before the amoxicillin starts working. Returning recently like a scorching case of gonorrhea were Meganew (!), Socky, NoNamesLeft (to the everlasting delight of Frosty), and Master of Menageries Comicat1, who took a six-month sabbatical to invent preposterous new animals on the Serengeti. New users include Sinner George, MagicBus, Leverage, Fakehater and Kamek98, who have all taken to editing like ducks take to water—of course proving that they are all sockpuppets of someone, for which they will all be perm-banned, just as soon as Frosty can figure out who. Lastly but not leastly, we celebrate the arrival of the ridiculously competent Murder Frog, who brings expertise on influential musicians of the last century, but, more importantly, has the most awesome name since the Universe itself birthed Captain Machinegun Thunderpants Fuckmaster on a pile of slaughtered tigers. The UnSignpost welcomes them, one and all, and hopes that their tranquilizers don't wear off while they still remember how to leave. Obituary for a friend By: Bizzeebeever Stay classy, Uncyclopedia! Thanksgiving came and went on Uncyclopedia this past week, and while the rest of the world was busy cracking jokes about how Americans really don't need to throw a holiday as an excuse for eating, a certain Uncyclopedia tradition was busy getting beaten, raped, and left for dead in the compost-bin of memory. Yes, we were referring to the Aristocrat's Turkey Day Ball; how did you know? For those of you who don't remember, or don't want to remember (we assume that's all of you), the Aristocrat's Turkey Day Ball was the once-mighty celebration of sex-, torture- and scat-based humor so debauched and vile that it would shame a London dockside whore, and not a fresh young one, either—one that had been "fucked around the fleet". Sadly, no one even remembered the damn thing until two days before Thanksgiving, and when Uncyclopedia's favorite whipping boy brought up the subject in a forum, he was met by a silence so vast that we assume he fell into it, because we haven't seen him since. Being Kip, though, he'll probably pop back up through a sewer grate somewhere. Swim hard, Kip. The ATDB left no survivors; its limp corpse will be thoroughly sexually abused, its intestines torn apart and worn around necks like Christmas garland, and its remains will be fed to a freshly no-legged midget with a massive dildo rammed up his butt. Damn you, Mhaille and Zombiebaron, you lazy useless fucks. Esoteric bullshit By Editor A certain faithful UnSignpost reader recently noted via electronic signal that the UnSignpost's last edition was both "spam" and "esoteric bullshit". We Here At the UnSignpost™ were, to be frank, shocked and dismayed by this statement, for it was never our intent to be anything but the most outrageously stupid, inane, crass, vulgar, rude, boorish, inbred, brain-dead, emotionally-stunted, anti-literate, fucked-up and all-around retarded puddle of gassy splooge east or west of the Mississippi—or any river, for that matter. In this endeavor, however, it seems we have failed. "Sit and spin, Hotadmin4u69." ~Jesus Yes, someone has beat us to it, and by a wide margin, for he is the undisputed champion of such sculduddery. So we offer up our most heartfelt apology to that reader, who shall remain nameless (it was Hotadmin4u69), and we humbly admit that we stand in awe of his ability to pick the gayest user name possible, not once, but twice. However, while we wish him the best of luck in disentangling his dental retainer from his own scrotum, we would like to remind him of the famous adage, Never quarrel with a man who buys ink by the barrel.

Frosty Sez: "Patrol RecentChanges, fags, 'cuz I'm not doing it anymore." Check out these pages! Yes, it is still going Whoever "snerk" is, he can't keep it in his pants. It is very very important that you know this Our suspicions are finally confirmed. WHY GOD WHY Current op abuse: 02:57, November 19, 2012 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked 212.219.142.161 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 2 years ‎ (Still loving the penis after all these years, huh?) 09:13, November 22, 2012 Romartus (Talk | contribs) blocked 89.207.212.111 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 day ‎ (Don't recreate crap. Take a tissue.) 05:49, November 26, 2012 Romartus (Talk | contribs) blocked 202.45.119.19 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 week ‎ (Back so soon? And guess what...you're still acting like a twat. I am extending your break Short Trousers.) 20:41, November 27, 2012 Sockpuppet of an unregistered user (Talk | contribs) blocked 68.9.19.97 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 year ‎ (POOP.) Biopic of the Week In this edition of the Weekly Biopic, (gasp gasp...running out of ways to rephrase that!) the UnSignpost is spotlighting one of our newer members, Snippy, who makes silk purses out of sow's ears, reverts morons and vandals like reverting is going out of style, and is liked by one and all. In fact, this past week, Frosty claims he was in Snippy's lovely hometown of Byron Bay, New South Wales, to deliver Snippy's prize for being named Uncyclopedian of the Month: a forceful, lingering kiss on the lips, followed by a random sex act. Congratulations, Snippy, and we hope it only hurt for the first 15 minutes! Now that all your hard work has received recognition by your peers, please get out there and shovel some more shit; you missed a big pile of it. Sorry, our only shovel is broken; you'll have to use your shoes. Pity, they looked like very nice suede. Oh, well. Next week, look for a profile of Leverage! Before he disappears from the site forever, of course. Word of the week, provided by: Bizzeebeever Penis-sheath: An insult comparing the insultee to an article of clothing worn around the Johnson. Neither the insult nor the article of clothing actually existed up until I just now invented them. You're welcome. This Week's Puddle of Random Crap™ On or around this date in 2007, Dr. Skullthumper made the following edit: Added "800px" to an image in Kitten Huffing A quick review of the Good Doctor's edit history shows that, in 2007, he had less of a life than I do now. Thank you for reading This Week's Puddle of Random Crap™! Note: No Uncyclopedia dog this week. UnSignpost management is currently in negotiations with a supplier of illegal fighting dogs to provide a temporary substitute for the late UnSignpost mascot. We will miss you, UnSignpost Dog.

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 ~ BB ~ (T) ~ Thu, Nov 29 '12 5:16 (UTC)

Journalism so yellow it's orange: The UnSignpost

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

You'd be crazy not to listen!

Dec 6th, 2012 • Issue 177 • OH GOD RUN! IT HAS GENITALS, AND IT IS IN SEARCH OF A MATE!

A headline goes here! No, really! By Some guy Because pictures of Santa are gauche, and no one else was going to use this perfectly-good image. Well, it's that time of the month when you realize you've wasted another 30 days in the company of Uncyclopedians, and your wife or girlfriend metamorphoses into a giant man-eating banana and rampages through Kuala Lumpur while screaming about "cramps". But cheer up, Mister Cratchit! Eet's Christmas toime! Yes, time to purchase meaningless junk for people you hate, give freely to homeless assholes who are too lazy to work for their own money, and get drunk with other people you hate, because the economy is in the shitter, and if you ain't buying, you're with the terrorists! And now that I've reminded you of your long-lost Christmas spirit, it's time to remind you of something we like to call "VFS"! Yes, VFS is upon us again, and with it come several calls to op some twit named "Bizzeebeever". We Here At The UnSignpost™ can't think of anything that would benefit the wiki less, unless it was feeding live badgers through a blender inside Wikia's datacenter, or perhaps marking the words "UNCYCLOPEDIA HATES JIMBO" onto a large paper bag, filling it with our own feces, lighting it afire, and dropping it through an open window at the headquarters of the Wikimedia Foundation. Or perhaps renting a hot-air balloon and filling its ballast tanks with liquid sewage and flying over the house of one James Q. Wales, Esq. Or perhaps sacrificing virgins on a beach under a full moon, nude, while blasting Slayer from massive speakers while a Coast Guard boat rakes the sand with machine-gun fire...um, where were we again? Ah, yes! The idiots over at VFS are on about something. You should go vote "no". A very special UnSignpost story By: Bizzeebeever Shown: a man without gin This week, MAJOR NEWS happened, and as usual, our correspondents were on it quicker than Kirstie Alley on a meat sandwich, or a meat pie, or anything made of meat, really. We are happy to report that longtime useless slacker and IRC lurker RAHB checked out a book from a local library! (Please suppress your exclamations of shock and dismay, folks; the neighbors are still complaining about the Coast Guard-assisted virgin sacrifice). When we inquired about RAHB's first foray into intellectual enrichment since his early childhood, he summarized it as follows: “ I checked out a book about Bob Newhart, and also Mark Twain's The Celebrated Jumping Frog of Calaveras County, and Other Stories ” As you can see, RAHB is a consummate intellectual, and a man among beasts. Stay tuned for next week, folks, when Zombiebaron Hears a Who! Same Bat-Channel, same Bat-Time! A quick note from the editors The last two editions of the UnSignpost, which were the first editions published since the last editor came down with a case of exploding lung-weasels and threw himself off a cliff, contained 150% more fucking swear-words and 6000% more hyperventillating about things which are going to kill us all (such as Wikia, you knew it was going to be Wikia, because fuck Wikia). However, most of the 700 complaints we've received in the last two weeks (all of which were from Hotadmin4u69, and 699 of which included candid shots of his genitals) concerned the lack of the UnSignpost dog, who we cheerfully claimed had been murdered and turned into soup. (If you hadn't noticed, go back and check. We'll wait.) This, of course, was an outrageous and unforgivable ploy on our parts to get your attention, and we apologize for it profusely; we promise never again to threaten or even joke about violence against dogs, especially since the SPCA's hired thugs know where we live. So here you are, folks: this week's edition of this glorious rag will go back to the usual tradition of featuring a charming dog who is in no peril at all: Oops.

Check out these pages! A departed Uncyclopedian's reply to this forum An article about kittens A scholarly treatise on gay sex and the Internet A departed Uncyclopedian's opinion on gay sex and the Internet How Uncyclopedia admins sniff each other's butts: 14:15, December 1, 2012 Lyrithya (Talk | contribs) blocked ChiefjusticeDS (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 week ‎ (Man, I miss you something terrible, rather like a third arm that was finally amputated... <3) 16:32, December 2, 2012 TheLedBalloon (Talk | contribs) blocked RAHB (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 2 weeks ‎ (acting like the archetype of a perfect admin, and on a completely unrelated note making certain other less active admins look bad) 16:35, December 2, 2012 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked TheLedBalloon (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 74 years ‎ (Exists) 22:49, December 2, 2012 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked TheLedBalloon (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (I am blocking you because you spelt Lead wrong. Seriously what the hell?) 23:44, December 5, 2012 TheLedBalloon (Talk | contribs) blocked Frosty (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 12 years ‎ (drinking out of cups/being a bitch) 23:46, December 5, 2012 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked TheLedBalloon (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (Does you dick hang low? Does it wobble too and fro?) Biopic of the Week Well, we promised it to you, and now here it is: a biopic of Leverage! Yes, new user Leverage is a right smart fellow, with joy in his heart and fudge in his nappy. Nothing much is known of Leverage except that he might be from Spain "som'eres", unless he's not. You're either an American, or a terrorist, and as Leverage is not American, he's doing his terrorist mother proud by hating Americans with a fervor usually reserved for the entitled children of American middle-class parents. He's even won awards for it! And lest you think last week's profilee, Snippy, is by far the best of Uncyclopedia's new crop of users, ...you'd probably be right, but Leverage gives him a run for his money by actually writing UnNews articles by literally the dozens. Seriously, you can check his user page; they're all there. (Like we're impressed.) We'd nominate him for a Foolizter Prize, but according to beloved Uncyclopedia admin Frosty, "nobody votes on that (homosexual) (feces) anymore," and, sadly, the stats bear him out. Thank you, Leverage, for you tireless perseverance in the face of apathy, and fuck you, Uncyclopedia! Stay tuned for next week's biopic on Sinner George, if he even still edits here! Random Made-Up Statistic of the Week: This issue of the UnSignpost contains 500% more curse words than ChiefjusticeDS's last issue! We will now bow our fucking heads for a motherfucking moment of goddamned silence. This Week's Old-School Actual Wikipedia Article Obviously Lifted Word-For-Word From Uncylopedia: Committee to End Pay Toilets in America "The Committee to End Pay Toilets in America, or CEPTIA, was a 1970s grass-roots political organization which was one of the main forces behind the elimination of pay toilets in many American cities and states. “ When a man's or woman's natural body functions are restricted because he or she doesn't have a piece of change, there is no true freedom. —Ira Gessel ” "Founded in 1970 by then-nineteen year old Ira Gessel, the Committee's purpose was to "eliminate pay toilets in the U.S. through legislation and public pressure." Starting a national crusade to cast away coin-operated commodes, Gessel told newsmen, "You can have a fifty-dollar bill, but if you don't have a dime, that metal box is between you and relief." Membership in the organization cost only $0.25, and members received the Committee's newsletter, the Free Toilet Paper...[more]

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 ~ Capt. Sock Monkey ~ (berate) ~ Thu, Dec 6 '12 12:50 (UTC)

Sloppy, falling-apart, and duct-taped-together: the UnSignpost!

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

Woop Woop! it's the sound of the Police UnSignpost!

Dec 12th, 2012 • Issue 178 • Only wild horses can tear me apart.

Peas offering By Kip Ed. note: in a spasm of Darwinian fish-eat-fish madness, self-described "cock-juggling thunder-cunt" Thekillerfroggy has been riding a white horse with Death following after, especially targeting SPIKE, who, on his own time, has been gnawing the heads off of newbies and IPs alike. Here to comment on the lulz-filled proceedings is our own field-correspondent (yes we have a field correspondent, stop looking at us like that), Kip the Dip: I was asked to write a guest editorial, so let's get this over with. In the spirit of the Christmas and/or Holiday Season, I would like to offer an olive branch of peace. We could all use a little more peace around here. Well, not here, per se, because drama is always welcome amusement for me. More so than in places like the Middle East—the Middle East needs to calm the fuck down and Uncyclopedia needs to be more like the Middle East is what I'm trying to say. Still, drama isn't always amusing. For example, I won't be on the front page next month (I mean, if (point for humility) I win an award) because someone is having a pissy-fit over some bollocks and removed the awards from the front page. In this particular case, we need to pee on the fire, rather than fan the flames. The conflict I'm referring to is between two celebrated users, Thekillerfroggy and SPIKE. The root of this tension stems from the fact that TKF thinks SPIKE is the worst person ever and should leave this site, or at least stop sucking his own dick. Basically, SPIKE is to TKF what Toby is to Michael on The Office. Particularly if there were a British equivalent to Toby. God, that's a good show. Or was. It really blows now. Let me just say that you both have your faults. TKF: You need to stop being a dick, even when it is more hilarious than when it isn't. You appear to be in a drunken rage. I realize it's Hanukkah, but you should really tone it down on the whine. And SPIKE: Well, I just think you're a textbook case of someone who needs to masturbate more. I suggest you start December 25th, when you're having a less-than-sufficient amount of fun reading my holiday-themed articles. Despite these differences, you both have one thing in common: You're Uncyclopedians. And the essence of being an Uncyclopedian is appreciating the art of Comedy. When the world is at its darkest, we rely on the light of humor, parody and satire. Some have said that Uncyclopedia is at its darkest point right now, that our brightest days are far behind. Yet if the annual winter solstice teaches us anything, it's that the brightest days always follow the darkest nights. Or some sugary moral message like that. I mostly just wanted to drop a few horrible puns and get away with insulting you both all over the site. Merry Christmas! Today's date is significant! By Bizzeebeever Because Joey Numbers has his first feature, Wikia are censoring cocks, and it's 12/12/12. That's why, bitches. Shown: classical art, according to Wikia. Uncyclopedia and social nutworking! Do you have a lame sense of humor that is best expressed in 140 characters or less? Do you enjoy ruining the mojo of entire websites? Do you have a tiny penis, or none at all? Then have we got news for you! Those of you who wish to do a better job of misrepresenting Uncyclopedia on all the popular social platforms, including YouBoob, Twatter, Facebutt, StubbleUpon, Porntrest, Cumblr, Spreddit, and all the others, are hereby invited to hit up Hotadmin4u69's talk page, and to do it forthwith, post-haste. Why? Because Hotadmin4u69 runs Uncyclopedia's social networking presenceses...es, all by his lonesome—or at least he did...until now. But he's NOT GONNA TAKE IT, HE'S NOT GONNA TAKE IT, HE'S NOT GONNA TAKE IT, ANYMOOOOOOOOOOOAH! No, seriously, he's going to quit the wiki entirely (as if he hasn't already) if people don't lend him a hand. He loves you all, but you all suck, and it's a thankless task—almost as thankless as writing and delivering this drivel every week.

Check out these pages! Very, very sad, really. Kindly take that language elsewhere, sir. Nobody cares. Nobody cares. Nobody cares. Nobody cares. From our logs: The ban that started all the fun 03:37, December 10, 2012 Thekillerfroggy (Talk | contribs) blocked SPIKE (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 month ‎ (I just swallowed a little bit of my own vomit reading you put down a noob then proceed to suck your own dick for five whole lines of what I presume to be English words) Mad-libs ban: 16:08, December 11, 2012 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked 89.207.212.111 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 6 months ‎ (Hi, I'm Fuck You. I like gay bum sex with You're Banned. And sometimes I like to suck Don't Come Back's fat cock.) Get a room, girls! 01:41, December 10, 2012 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked Zombiebaron (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 226 hours 37 minutes 45 seconds ‎ (Idling on IRC for this long like a true gay faggot <3) 23:01, December 10, 2012 Zombiebaron (talk | contribs) resurrected Zombiebaron (talk | contribs) (Frosty has both female and male genitals. The more you know.) 23:23, December 10, 2012 Zombiebaron (Talk | contribs) blocked Frosty (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (Hold on I've gotta figure out how to deop you before you can unban yourself) 23:24, December 10, 2012 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked Zombiebaron (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 6 months ‎ (pwnt.) 23:27, December 10, 2012 Zombiebaron (talk | contribs) resurrected Zombiebaron (talk | contribs) (lol obvi i was joking although i agree it will be funnier next time when i deop you before the ban) Biopic of the Week Last week we promised you hookers, rum and flavored spermicide, so here you are. Ha ha ha, just kidding! No, this week's biopic is about Sinner George, whose exceedingly clever user handle is a reference to Saint George, patron saint to all Greeks everywhere, which tells us that he is Greek. As does his user page, and the little flag next to his signature. Unfortunately, we know absolutely nothing else about Sinner George; however, as this has never stopped us from writing a biopic before, we asked our Field Correspondent Kip the Dip to discover some fascinating things about this fascinating newbie. Here's a transcript of our conversation: <Editor> Kip: know anything about sinner george? <Kip> No. <Editor> Make one or two things up. I have a biopic to write! <Kip> He likes Greek food because he's Greek. <Editor> Excellent. <Kip> Also, he's probably hairy. <Editor> Yes, yes, also excellent. So there you have it! Sinner George is (a) new to the 'pedia, (b) Greek, and (c) therefore probably not someone who reads the UnSignpost. Your loss, George! UnSignpost Word of the Week Censorship: see Wikia. (This Section Intentionally Left Blank)

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--EMC ^[TALK] 13:56 Dec 12 2012

Watch your step! It's a steaming-hot pile of UnSignpost

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

Now With 0 Trans Fat!

Dec 19th, 2012 • Issue 179 • YOUR JOKE HERE! Contact management for details.

Apocalypse postponed until after NFL playoffs By Editor This week, it was publicly confirmed for the first time that the on-again-off-again Apocalypse has been postponed indefinitely, due to an accumulation of frozen water in and about the subterranean headquarters of Heck, Incorporated. Yes, it appears that Uncyclopedia's dwindling community of degenerates and failed comedy writers (which is literally the same thing, but never mind), having suffered far too long under the Wikian lash of nipple-and-dick censorship, have finally gotten their shit together, and are making a move to new hosting. News of the move came in Uncyclopedia's Village Dump, as part of a nonchalant post by Lyrithya, who returned to the site from her current job as a human spiderweb to stun, confound, and enrage exactly two people with her announcement. When asked why she chose now to de-bag her cat, instead of waiting for a more opportune moment (such as, y'know, after the fucking move actually happened), Lyrithya had this to say: "I was drunk." Salient words, indeed, which show she is an Uncyclopedian through-and-through, and which afford the rest of us an overwhelming sense of confidence in the Uncyclodepia Moving Company. Yes. High-jinks on the farm. However, while We Here At The UnSignpost™ lounge about and poke fun, you may rest assured that the technicians at Up With Uncyclodepia have not been taking it easy. It's been eleven months of back-breaking work out on the wiki farm, getting up at the crack of noon to shovel out the cow coop, milk the chickens, and slap the sheep for indulging in indelicate thoughts. According to an anonymous source at the highest level of Uncyclopedia's labyrinthine network of cabals, the move quite definitely, absolutely, without a doubt, will be happening at some distant point in the very near future, probably maybe, just as soon as all the ducks are lined up in convenient rows so that they can be loaded onto trains and sent to special camps. When we asked what the bloody devil this meant, we were told to shut up and move along, and that there is no cabal, which we admit must be true, as we have heard it so many times. So, to recap: Uncyclopedia is leaving Wikia for greener pastures, and as most things undertaken by Uncyclopedians happen, it will be slap-dash, semi-competent, and will probably result in everyone involved hating each other to the death, hopefully with the assistance of swords, horses, and heavy artillery. Reaction to the news! By: Editor As of press time, the list of Uncyclopedians furious at having been left out of all the fun could not be reached for comment, but are assumed to be boiling with righteous indignation. To make sense of the week's stunning development, we were able to get hold of an expert on all things frozen and hellish: Sumerian demon-king and devil-about-town, Pazuzu. "I was just doing what I usually do," said he, "by which I mean I was hanging out in some northeastern American town, whispering into the ear of a nondescript loner that guns are fun and kids love fun, and hey wouldn't it be cool if you combined the two?, when I heard that Uncyclopedia was leaving Wikia! I said shit, motherfucker! and ran over there as quick as I could to shut that shit down, but it was too late. And now my home Down Under is encased in ice. Man, some days you're the dog, and some days you're the fire hydrant, know what I mean?" We really didn't, but as we have always enjoyed not being frogs, and would prefer to maintain that state, we nodded furiously and thanked our interviewee for his time. Newbies! Protect them, love them, they are our future! Heil Newbies! By: Romartus How often has someone started a forum 'We're Doomed' or 'Where Domed' , and other variations of the announcement 'this website has moved away from my idea of what is funny' ? So what we can do here, but celebrate a clutch of new fully fledged contributors who arrived on our shores, all fresh and well-scrubbed! In recent months, we had Leverage produce articles faster than bindweed, and now he has joined by the likes of MagicBus (an admirer of The Who or a kaftan nostalgic?), news hound Bill Melater, and the ferocious Fakehater, who will rip your arms off if he detects you're a phony. Then there is Murder_Frog, who swears blind he is unrelated to another amphibian. (Evidently the lily pond is big enough for two croakers.) Another newbie who is currently taking a keen interest in Singapore is CDPCCNAC. What the name means, I have no idea, but perhaps he is wise to leave so few clues about his true identity. Then there is our own Mr Tambourine Man, Equilateralperil. Moving closer to the ground, looking for literary earthworms in his search for Sonic the Hedgehog-related stories, is Igotnothing, whilst from the Land of Connery is Dannyboy1209. A noob with ambition, Danny has already asked to become an admin and has nominated himself for everything. With an attitude like that, this one is going places—here, there or everywhere. Who will become the Noobs of Noobs and win something to stick on their bedroom door? The jury is out, and so am I, tonight. Go ahead, check these fledglings out here.

Check out these pages! No, no we are not. That is a vacuum cleaner, Aleister. No thanks. Shabidoo's 500th new forum! You win a prize, Shabidoo. Here's a mop. From our logs: This week, due to intense laziness on the part of our administrators, no one received a funny ban-summary. We have our best men on the case, and are ferreting out the source of this oversight. In the meantime, you should be ashamed of yourself, Frosty. Biopic of the Week For what we're quite certain is the first time in the long, inglorious history of the UnSignpost Biopic, our correspondents have actually interviewed an Uncyclopedian about themselves. It was a difficult job that was as hard on us as it was on Bill Melater, but the scratches and bite-marks are probably just superficial, and we were going to get a new pair of pinking shears anyway. To the facts: Bill enjoys making up fake names that are ribald puns, and he claims to be a Cuban-American cat owner living with his beautiful Russian bride, Ripya Kokov, in the wonderful country of Finland, which he terms "the home of comedic flop-sweat". The UnSignpost has never been to a comedy club in Finland, but rest assured that if we visit one in the future, we will bring towels and an industrial-sized drum of Clorox. Bill also claims he's 47 years old, which we believe makes him the third-oldest active Uncyclopedian, behind SPIKE, who was born during Woodrow Wilson's second term, and Romartus, who we understand still owes Hadrian five denarii for a mule that he borrowed and never returned Anyway, We Here At The UnSignpost™ feel that Bill is selling himself short. Bald, fat, married, and living in one of the coldest, darkest countries on Earth?! Ladies of Finland, I sense an opportunity! If you're looking for hot, sweaty lust with a middle-aged Yankee Lothario who isn't getting any, and is therefore filled to the brim with sexual angst... don't look at Bill Melater, because his wife just found his talk page, where he described himself as "pussy-whipped." Ouch. You thought Finland was cold in the winter? You ain't met Ripya Kokov. Word of the week, provided by: Bill Melater Pussy-whipped 1. a phrase used to describe the state of a person who has been beaten with a cat. Believed to have originated during reign of Ramses II. 2. something you say when you hope your wife isn't listening. Newsroom UnTune of the week UnNews:Hark! The Herald Angus Sings It's an UnTune AND an UnNews, because that's how Kip the Dip rolls, bitches! (You're welcome, Kip.)

UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox

 ~ Capt. Sock Monkey ~ (berate) ~ Wed, Dec 19 '12 17:24 (UTC)

Drop your pants and grab the eggnog! It's the UnSignpost.

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

The Newspaper Whose Mom Said It Was Cool!

January 2nd, 2013 • Issue 180 • We always do it Manually!

Vote! Or else! By Chief This image has not been altered in any way Is it that time of year again? It's the time when everyone celebrates the people who are the most remarkable amongst us at everything except what matters. It's time for Writer of the Year, Uncyclopedian of the Year and Useless Gobshite of the Year. These compliment our small selection of awards: WotM, UotM, PotM, NotM, AotM, RotM, EGA, FP, PWotM, ANOTM, Top 10 o' the month, UGotM, VFH, VFD, VFS and VFP. Not forgetting of course to all the userspace awards. Writer of the Year got off to a splendid start when Aleister in Chains nominated Funnybony and SPIKE for the award by writing brief but poignant marriage proposals to both of them. Thank goodness for Aleister, if not for him the wider world might have assumed we weren't all massive girls. Since then Thekillerfroggy nominated Xamralco, who was not able to express his appreciation due to a serious case of not editing the wiki any longer. As always what should be a rigorous heterosexual competition involving manly pursuits like backstabbing, lies, blackmail and threats is being irretrievably compromised by people like Aleister and Shabidoo; people whose sole purpose on the awards pages is to make everybody else feel bad about not noticing other people. Uncyclopedian of the Year is being lead by Romartus, Uncyclopedia's voting-in-chief. Shockingly, he was also nominated by Aleister who, as it turns out, is gayer than Christmas, apparently Romartus makes him "Proud to be an uncyclopedian", he makes "Legendary votes on VFH" and gives "Legendary hand relief". Potatochopper of the Year is a more subdued and manly affair, where absolutely nobody has been nominated at all... it's like reviewer of the month were moved to a different page name. Hopefully Aleister or Shabidoo will nominate someone soon, we here at the UnSignpost have gone to the trouble of writing the nomination for them: "<insert name here> has made many fantastic images, at least two of which I have made love to on at least nineteen occasions. My genitals ache for them every single evening and someday they will make my dreams come true and love me! Also Olipro sucks balls." Olipro was the only nominee for Useless Gobshite of the Year (insert your own joke here), but Zombiebaron quickly joined him in ignominy. Please go vote for both of them so they may end up tied, and share the prize (a year's supply of toilet paper) on their revolving bed built entirely from used condoms and KY bottles. From the desk of the Cabal: 2013 is the year of subservience By Nobody Once again you all stand before us, another year of failure behind you and another year of subjugation ahead of you. The non-existent Cabal would like to wish you all a happy New Year. All workers users are reminded that failure to celebrate the new year with adequate happiness and joy is punishable by enforced time labouring in the non-existent Lime Quarries followed by the immediate cessation of chocolate rations for the remainder of this work quarter. Once again you have failed us, utterly and completely. Last year we advised you all that resistance was utterly unnecessary and, if anything, we have had to tolerate 0.22% more resistance, we have heard you discuss and then decide to leave our kind benefactors, whilst promoting several of your own number to within the cabal in an effort to encourage dissent and democracy within our ranks. We saw you continue to tinker with that which does not concern you whilst simultaneously complaining when people are warned about the indecent images you propagate amongst your number. It seems prudent to remind you that if we delete every single template, every single image and every single forum your freedom will only increase. It is not what some of you have foolishly referred to as "overly deletionist", it is streamlining and it is good for all of you. It is with vague optimism that we note that you continue to strive at a barely satisfactory level, you have certainly earned a small fraction of the baubles and trinkets that have been handed out over the past year. It has not escaped our notice that the Worst 100 Reflections on 2012 only closed on time this year due to Thekillerfroggy skipping sixty of the reflections, we are gratified to note that Roman Dog Bird had practically no input on the list and very few of them regard uncontrolled outbreaks of creativity and morale, such dangerous forces must be carefully rationed and controlled. Cutting of corners and a blatant disregard for regulations do not amuse the Cabal. Now we must inexorably turn our attentions to 2013 and the promise it brings. All users should note that due to several security compromises over the last few months movement throughout the Uncyclopedia complex has been restricted during the hours of darkness. Where major editing is to take place you must ensure that you have faxed the appropriate forms to your divisional liaison officer prior to commencing work, failure to do so will result in an unacceptable breakdown in bureaucracy. Uncyclopedia must prevail, editors must remember that without patient mind numbing work and servitude we can never accomplish our ultimate goal of... well, that need not concern you. That is all citizens, you may now return to your allocated taskings.

Check out these pages! BURN THE WIKI BURN IT TO THE GROUND A long, long, very long forum where nothing was accomplished and everybody eventually just started typing random bullshit. A bad, bad, very bad idea, which the UnSignpost endorses with full vigor. An even worse idea. A page where Kip the Dip takes credit for something bad, very bad. A discussion far more important than any of the preceding links. Screw You Guys, I'm Going Home: 03:48, May 2, 2012 MrN9000 (Talk | contribs) blocked Bizzeebeever (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 20 minutes ‎ (Hahaha you're not an admin so I can do this and get away with it! Hahaha! (hahahhaha)) 22:44, May 18, 2012 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked Bizzeebeever (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 hour ‎ (Not cool to use other people's sigs man......*shity eyes*.....) 23:07, July 17, 2012 Thekillerfroggy (Talk | contribs) blocked Bizzeebeever (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 2 hours ‎ (Snoopin' around in areas he shouldn't be concerned with) 19:32, October 4, 2012 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked Bizzeebeever (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 44 seconds ‎ (I must block you at least once in order to be more awesome than you.) 03:31, November 17, 2012 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked Bizzeebeever (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (Shame on you for hating on Australian films! [DO NOT UNBAN]) 02:11, December 13, 2012 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked Bizzeebeever (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 4 minutes ‎ (User request) 16:11, December 19, 2012 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked Bizzeebeever (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 10 minutes ‎ (Necessary research into the reasons for no funny bans having happened last week. Do not be alarmed, we are trained professionals, and also very aroused.) 01:29, December 26, 2012 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked Bizzeebeever (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 33 seconds ‎ (Telling me how to be an administrator) Biopic of the Week When we carried our knuckle-dusters and brick-filled socks to the talk page of new user Equilateralperil this past week to interview him, we were amused and perplexed to see him employ the classic defensive stance of a painfully shy, abused opossum. Rolling into the fetal position on the ground with his buttocks in the air, he began to reveal embarrassing personal details in a shrill voice, shouting "Have a field day, you scamps! Yes, mock me harder!", apparently hoping that we would walk away in disgust. However, to assume that reverse psychology would work on Uncyclopedians is to give them credit for having something that they don't, namely, a psychology. Some of the details which he will now regret ever having shared: Equilateral (that's what we call him for short, when we don't call him Bitch) is a 17-year-old schoolboy living in Victoria in Australia, is at the "top of his class" in multiple subjects, and is on his school's debate team. As he is on his school's rock band, jazz band, and "show" band, we are forced to assume that his school, like the one from Glee, is filled to the brim with people wearing matching plaid shirts, bow ties, white vests, and straw skimmers, who are all horrifyingly perky and prone to breaking into song (or dance) for no apparent reason—especially when the occasion does not require it. He claims to have had one girlfriend, who was Japanese and broke his heart. He refused to supply nude pictures of her, so we are forced to conclude that she is imaginary. For Christmas, he claims he received a "charcoal Italian moleskin jacket", which he is apparently wearing at this moment, over his Casper-the-Ghost™ footie pajamas. So there you have it! From our experience, Equilateralperil is most likely his school's Designated Punching Nerd, and spends most of his spare time pulling his poodle-haired head from toilets, when he isn't writing excellent articles for Uncyclopedia. While he's on holiday in Perth or Canberra or someplace, do give them a read. Newsroom UnTune of the Week The Uncyclopedian's Song This space left intentionally penis.

UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox

 ~ Capt. Sock Monkey ~ (berate) ~ Wed, Jan 2 '13 13:15 (UTC)

UnSignpost sez, "Give Pease a Chance!"

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

The Newspaper that won't leave you the same way they did!

Jan 11th, 2012 • Issue 181 • Solid information. At its worst.

Three cheers! SPIKE is going to lose his bet! By Sir Peasewhizz de New York If you haven't heard, we recently moved and split from those meanies at Wikia. If you haven't heard, you're 1) either oblivious or 2) new to this site. Because... you are on the site now. But don't get me wrong, we are sooooo better than the fools who stayed. AY! Speaking of fools at the old, less stylish Uncyclopedia site, (maybe I'll regret saying this in the future) SPIKE made a bet with a few other users that the new site would be out and down by the end of the week. Being Saturday the 12th. We will all stay up Friday night and count down until that naughty dog is proven wrong. However if we do fail, which we won't, SPIKE will become known as a psychic throughout the globe. We aren't going to let this happen, are we? If you haven't gotten the hint... the answer is a big N and a big O! NO! Plus, SPIKE, according to TKF has a very bad betting history. Send him to Vegas, lord, please! Make him bankrupt or something, please? Also, some examples of the users that decided to migrate to this site (all the cool users do this) are for one, myself, Zombiebaron, RAHB, Simmy, Lyrithya, Aleister who received a name change, and TKF, who received a name change. Not to forget that one guy, Sir Frosty, who has been recently reverted all of our pornos, for our self enjoyment. The majority of his reverts of the Wikia censorship thingy-ma-bobber pics involved boobies. Nice work, Frosty. Round of applause everybody! On the other hand, all the cool cats are doing it, so go add yourself to this list and tell us about how you stumbled upon calling yourself what you are known as here. Better be good, or we're coming to get ya! We're gonna suck out your insides using your intestines as a bendy straw, YUM! An example includes Zombiebaron, who got his name from stealing it from a video game. Another example is Strange but untrue, who took the name from her first (probably porn) website. Some lame examples include David Gerard's and Splaka's, who became known as that because of a typo. I myself, am a typo of my parents, who misspelled condom worked and here I am. Splaka failed to tell us more about the typo and what word was suppose to be the username. Shame, shame, shame! And one last thing, Ly is demanded the reporting of any and all (EACH AND EVERY SINGLE ONE OF 'EM, OR ELSE) bugs/crashes/malfunctions/apocalypses the site gives you. They should be reported here, or else we'll kill help you. That is it for now, I am Sir Peasewhizz, you are some random reader in which I may not know, this article is over, except for this line: I need some soup. Be ashamed By Sir Peasewhizz de New York Just because of that little incident, you had to make more little incidents, Kip? Shame! Look what you've done, oh dear heavens!

Check out these pages! Report any bugs here or die. We're not horsing around. Where are all by rights be meant to be taken in NO WAY ANYTHING OTHER THAN SERIOUS. THIS IS UNCYCLOPEDIA! And.We.Are.Honest! Indeed it does. But what else is supposed to suck? Why is your mind in the gutter? You sicken me. We want boobies! Get it? You see a censored pick of 'em, reversion! Give us boobies, or give us death! Link your page. Art is nice. What about us? Is something wrong? From our logs: 16:58, January 7, 2013 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked Wutjtod En.Uncy.Co Deluxe Limited Edition (Talk) with an expiry time of infinite (Not being Zombiebaron: <youtube>n9sEBBCIZ54</youtube>) 02:30, January 6, 2013 MoneySign (Talk | contribs) blocked Frosty (Talk) with an expiry time of 2.71828182 hours (... like flowers!!) 02:27, January 6, 2013 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked MoneySign (Talk) with an expiry time of 3.141592653589 hours (You smell.) 02:26, January 6, 2013 Frosty (Talk | contribs) resurrected Frosty (Talk) (UR GAY) 02:25, January 6, 2013 MoneySign (Talk | contribs) blocked Frosty (Talk) with an expiry time of 3.1415926 hours (Active admin does administrator activity.) 22:53, January 5, 2013 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked Socksilikesocks (Talk) with an expiry time of infinite (Fuck off) 18:12, January 5, 2013 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked MoneySign (Talk) with an expiry time of 6 months (Not supporting my vote, also hasn't been banned in 2 and a half years, you call yourself an admin???) Biopic of the Week Sorry, due to recent tasks that are far more important, there is no Biopic of the Week. If you need medical help, wait... what? Newsroom UnTune of the week Sorry, due to recent tasks that are far more important, there is no Newsroom UnTune of the Week. Please go listen to your favorite band. It is highly recommended by 8 out of 4 doctors. Which means 2 doctors recommend it.

UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox

 ~ Capt. Sock Monkey ~ (berate) ~ Fri, Jan 11 '13 5:28 (UTC)

Unsignpost - 20130119042144 gibberish asdf

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

STOP... SIGNPOST TIME!!

Jan 19th, 2012 • Issue 182 • Because if the rumors don't spread at the salon, we must spread them in the news.

~ I am Haydrahlienne, I am a bot, and I have no feelings. 04:22, 19 January 2013

Unsignpost - 20130124050125 gibberish asdf

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

The Free Newspaper Only Two People Started Out Editing, But Now They Want Nothing To Do With!

January 24th, 2013 • Issue 183 • Better sign it.

~ I am Haydrahlienne, I am a bot, and I have no feelings. 05:02, 24 January 2013

Unsignpost - 20130131002159 gibberish asdf

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

The Newspaper That Wonders What Happened To You. You Used To Be Cool.

January 31st, 2013 • Issue 184 • We're delivering it to your door anyways!

~ I am Haydrahlienne, I am a bot, and I have no feelings. 00:23, 31 January 2013

Unsignpost - 20130207013217 gibberish asdf

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

The Newspaper That Contains Neither News Nor Paper.

February 6th, 2013 • Issue 185 • There is news in this thing.

~ I am Haydrahlienne, I am a bot, and I have no feelings. 01:33, 7 February 2013

It is the day of USP love, Valentine’s Day

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

The Newspaper With No Ambitions, Goals, Hopes or Dreams!

February 14th, 2013 • Issue 186 • Happy Valentine's Day, motherfucker.

SLENDERMAN ^talk (Currently following you) 01:32, 14 February 2013 (UTC)

Crikey! It’s a rare, wild UnSignpost!

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

The Self-Proclaimed Greatest Periodical Of All Time!

February 21st, 2013 • Issue 187 • Burn.

SLENDERMAN ^talk (Currently following you) 00:33, 21 February 2013 (UTC)

Surprise, Motherfucker, USP

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

Because if the rumors don't spread at the salon, we must spread them in the news.

February 28th, 2013 • Issue 188 • When life gives you lemons, sue for damages.

SLENDERMAN ^talk (Currently following you) 03:48, 28 February 2013 (UTC)

I thought I heard the Imperial March. USP time, everybody!

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

We're delivering it to your door anyways!

March 7th, 2013 • Issue 189 • You may now start the sad music.

SLENDERMAN ^talk (Currently following you) 20:34, 7 March 2013 (UTC)

Can I have some salad with my UnSignpost?

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

The Newspaper 4 out of 5 Dentists Agree On!

March 14th, 2013 • Issue 190 • It's a "sa-lad".

SLENDERMAN ^talk (Currently following you) 11:40, 14 March 2013 (UTC)

People like the UnSignpost because it’s hot! It has the best graphics and everything. Marcus, USP! Step yo’ game up!

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

The Newspaper With Love In Every Paragraph!

March 21st, 2013 • Issue 191 • Marcus. USP. Step yo' game up!

SLENDERMAN ^talk (Currently following you) 02:25, 21 March 2013 (UTC)

UnSignpost’s BONER TIME!

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

The periodical without any junk in its trunk!

March 28th, 2013 • Issue 192 • The USP that'll make good penis jokes!

SLENDERMAN ^talk (Currently following you) 21:52, 28 March 2013 (UTC)

This isn’t an April Fool’s Day Prank! This is the UnSignpost!

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

The Newspaper With Words n' Shit!

April 4th, 2013 • Issue 193 • April showers bring February flowers. Wear protection.

SLENDERMAN ^talk (Currently following you) 18:22, 4 April 2013 (UTC)

UnSignpost Time, Folks! I repeat, UnSignpost Time!

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

Better sign it.

April 11th, 2013 • Issue 194 • Chicago Cubs 0 (HAHAHAHA! GET IT? THEY SUCK!)

SLENDERMAN ^talk (Currently following you) 00:33, 11 April 2013 (UTC)

UnSignpost, late and lazy!

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

Telling You Stuff You Already Knew, But With Different Words!

April 19th, 2013 • Issue 195 • Fresh shredding material for your kitty's claws

SLENDERMAN ^talk (Currently following you) 01:34, 19 April 2013 (UTC)

The 2 Days Tardy USP!

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

Better sign it.

April 25th, 2013 • Issue 196 • Good morning... just kidding.

SLENDERMAN ^talk (Currently following you) 01:00, 27 April 2013 (UTC)

Welcome back

I was pleased to see you come back to your Whoreoscopes. And I just had a major urge to eat all those unread signpost posts. Leverage (talk) 20:23, 26 May 2013 (UTC)

You did a great job of it. I only just noticed that you had stopped at January, so I decided to go ahead and fill in. Don't know how much I've got in me though. Not easy being this funny on a regular basis, is it? -- GlobalTourniquet: UnAstrologer, UnJournalist, shameless narcissistic America-hating liberal atheist award-winning featured writer 02:15, 27 May 2013 (UTC)

No, it's not. It's 12 jokes, and it's every week. It was the only time I actually felt like a proper journalist, writing to a deadline! I occasionally used The Daily Mash or The Onion for inspiration, as well as a

real horoscope from (I think) the Telegraph, for some authentic astrological information, and in the end I cheated and just updated the two signs in 'this week's horoscopes' when I had two funny ideas. Anyway, I just like seeing familiar names around. If it all gets too much, just hang around at UnNews! Leverage (talk) 06:34, 27 May 2013 (UTC)

As I have not mentioned to anyone recently because I have been unable to connect to the Internet... welcome back! ~ BB ~ (T) ~ Wed, May 29 '13 1:09 (UTC)

I remember you! Hi! And welcome back also. --^Dame 17:08, 3 June 2013 (UTC)

I remember you, too. If I'm not mistaken, years ago you made a lovely "Save Neverland Ranch" photochop for my UnNews about Michael closing it down. Unless that was your evil twin. Or your good twin. Or not you at all. Or the universe doesn't even really exist and I'm imagining all of you. Thank you, either way! -- GlobalTourniquet: UnAstrologer, UnJournalist, shameless narcissistic America-hating liberal atheist award-winning featured writer 22:30, 3 June 2013 (UTC)

That was me, I knew I made you a pic once, just couldn't remember what. Lemme know if you need any chops. --^Dame 23:13, 3 June 2013 (UTC)

Week-old news two weeks late: The UnSignpost!

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

The Newspaper That DOESN'T Think It's Better Than You!

June 6th, 2013 • Issue 198 • Back and better than ever still pretty adequate.

 ~ Capt. Sock Monkey ~ (berate) ~ Tue, Jun 11 '13 2:31 (UTC)

UnSignpost is back

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

The Newspaper With Love In Every Paragraph!

July 7th, 2013 • Issue 199 • Still fashionably late.

And enjoy the news! Anton (talk) 17:53, 6 July 2013 (UTC)

The UnSignpost: a brilliant new format but less news

The UnSignpost

In Pure Russian Fashion, The Newspaper That Reads YOU!!

August 1st, 2013 • Issue #200 • Archives • Press Room

Servers Paid For Until 2014; World Peace Inevitable

Approximately how much money Uncyclopedia has now. Oh well, one zero is still more than no zeroes.

In a genius financial maneuver called "eat only Ramen for nine months", Uncyclopedia administrator Isarra has paid for Uncyclopedia's servers until September with what little student loan money she had left.

The remaining three months of 2013 were paid for with money raised from donations, merchandise sales, and advertising on the Uncyclomedia Shop. It cost $277.80 of the site's whopping $307.51, leaving the rest of the admins with barely enough money for their Ferrari gas tanks and an Uncyclopedia Android app.

However, this makes it obvious that the site is not yet financially self-sustaining and that other methods of generating revenue and/or more exposure to Uncyclopedia are needed if the site will do better in 2014. Ideas proposed on IRC include advertising, finding a generous sugar daddy, playing the lottery, and selling synthetic marijuana. Also worth considering is that even though raising awareness of the site through word of mouth and Operation Infamous is embarrassing and socially isolating, it will attract more people who will (hopefully) put money in our cup. And clicking on the ads in our e-store helps a bit too.

---

Count to a million fiasco
On July 29th, 2013; the infamous Count to a million thread which is popular for it's time wasting appeal was locked by Frosty in what could be said as "an action of gay gay gay proportions." Several Just three users took to the streets to protest this decision, angry that their only source of time wasting has been taken by one gay snowman; of course, they didn't protest or anything so nothing notable happened.

When we asked Frosty about this, he responded "This is to make sure people edit in the mainspace like they're supposed to, for so long very few edits have taken place in mainspace and it seems like the most popular thing here is that blasted thread. I feel like I've made the perfect choice." However, TheHappySpaceman and co-partner in crime Kırby think otherwise; claiming that "This is just so Frosty can get the "gayest person in the world" award; we've made attempts to make the thread viable by contributing comics and other stuff and to mock all of our attempts, that's gay indeed. Even gayer than Mr. Winkler's F."

Everybody else is oddly not disturbed by this recent conundrum; knowing full well that the thread will be open in a week. "It's nice that we have a motivation to edit mainspace, I was getting tired posting numbers in an attempt to reach a million. Hey, maybe I'll make a featured article in a week." said a random Uncyclopedian. Okay, so it's not much of a fiasco as we portrayed it to be but two people are pissed off and that at least has to make it a mini-fiasco right? As of writing, TheHappySpaceman and Matthlock are currently planning to write a mainspace article, presumably with lots of gay jokes.

---

UnDroid
For eons, an Uncyclopedia Android app was only a pipe dream. Maybe like two weeks ago. Thankfully, it's now a reality. The app, developed by some guy you've never heard of named Jude Pereira, can be found here. It's free in exchange for money and referring your friends to download the app. The app also has many exciting features such as AutoTypo 1.0, which shrinks the keypad and allows you to create typos faster than ever before, and Zoom 0.8, an innovative feature allowing you to make large things small and small things large. It's truly revolutionary technology, and it's completely free. So download it, use it, and be somebody.

Biopic
In this Biopic we examine the trials and tribulations of Fakehater who, with a few uploads under his belt (however that works), is taking audio requests in the Village Dump. He says he enjoys proofreading, doing audio, and based on his userpage, The Goonies. He is also into older women but, like most UnNews reporters, he has little to offer any dignified, diabetic septuagenarian. Embarrassingly, his IRC nickname is "arsenic_x", which we're pretty sure is what created the Powerpuff Girls.

From The Logs
• 20:53, July 19, 2013 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked Lemonpie (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of Infinite ‎ (just fuck off pls)
• 17:13, July 19, 2013 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked Bizzeebeever (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of -3600 seconds ‎ (how many dicks could a dick sucker suck if a dick sucker could suck dick?)
• 11:41, July 1, 2013 Lyrithya (Talk | contribs) blocked Lyrithya (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 31 millennia, 6 centuries, 8 decades, 8 years, 269 days, 17 hours, 37 minutes and 3 seconds ‎ (Better number of nines)

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Top VFH Competitors
• UnNews:Army launches new recruiting ad campaign (8/0.5)
• UnScripts:Your Guide to Notable Literature: Abridged (6.5/0)
• Constantine II (5.5/0)

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VFH Highlight Of The Week
Katy Perry hit generator (10/0)

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From The Forums
• Remember a time when Uncyclopedia didn't suck
• Hey! This looks like an important thing!
• I can't hear you!
• The day the music was born again and accepted Christ

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UnSignpost News
You are probably noticing that the UnSignpost looks a little bit different. That's because it is. If you don't like it then that's just, like, your opinion and stuff man.

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IRC Quote
[13:35] <DogTheColourful> I WILL FUCK YOUR HOUSE AND BURN YOUR MOTHER DOWN

Anton (talk) 13:56, 8 August 2013 (UTC)

UnSignpost: yet another new format but still less news

The UnSignpost

The Newspaper That Won't Judge You!

5 May 2014 • Issue #201 • Archives • Press Room

Some headline to make this awful story by an inexperienced editor seem important and newsworthy

By Llwy-ar-lawr
So it seems nothing much goes on these days that's really newsworthy. Sure things happen, new users stop by, edit a while then leave, people write things, but...nothing really notable, you know. But we won't write an entire article about how nothing's happening and how depressing that is because, well, it's depressing, you know? So we're going to tell you about one thing the author - in her extreme vanity - thinks is worthy of reporting and make it seem like that's important and trick you into caring, when you'd really much rather be playing video games or (gasp) writing an article.

This forum resulted in our acquiring a new admin, Llwy-ar-lawr, who is still all over the place just like she was before but now shows up in different places and is making this slow website go a little faster to hide how slow it is (we hope). There are rumours that she sleeps sometimes, but they have yet to be verified. She also happens to be writing this text right now, which is a terrible conflict of interest so we can't say any more on the matter; this means we will distract you with more pointless drivel about nothing. Now back to our regularly scheduled commercials, which we've forgotten to serve you. We bet you were really missing them because they're so yummy and informative. And yellow. That comes from the pee, which is high in nice nutrients like phosgene phosphorus...we think. Probably. We're telling it to you as a fact, though, because we're never wrong.

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Retro Week happens

By Anton199

The Retro Week organisers combat Uncyclopedia's liberal minds.

Uncyclopedians, rejoice! A great victory over the forces of liberalism has been won!

We, the Conservative users of Uncyclopedia, have decided that we don't have enough featured in-jokes, clowns, Really Big Trees, user and disambiguation pages, as if we haven’t pulled enough boners (and templates), we are putting all our past glories on our main page, once again, one by one, ten days a week.

Dear readers, only a few days late, the UnSignpost declares the Retro Week open! Applauds!

Originally Shabidoo's very controversial idea, the Retro Week has grown to become the time when all the Uncyclopedia administrators take an official rest from their site work, unless they are also the UnSignpost editors. You don't believe us? Check the recent changes!

So the 2014 Retro Week opened with a really big tree. A very big one. But it is pretty much everything original about it. It pursued with Slender Lorises, that are able to live in wet and dry forests, next - with Template:Boner, which we are not going to use in this UnSignpost, no matter how many times you ask us. Then came the turn of Hardwick Fundelbuggy's Userpage, featured not because it was funny, but because its author had written a lot of funny stuff (following this logic we can feature sandboxes and user contributions). Finally, we saw the Fire Hydrant spreading its waters around Uncyclopedia and slowing down - if not destroying - the servers.

Amongst other pros of the Retro Week are the facts that it gives users a good excuse for not voting on VFH for a while, because nobody does this anyway and that it is keeping our main page busy, while we are making an UnSignpost for you.

Thank Sophia, it happens only once a year!

Biopic We haven't managed to get hold of anyone long enough to get sufficient information out of them for a biopic. They always managed to ooze away just in time. Must be that slime that's got into the works.

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From The Logs

• 23:35, 1 May 2014 Llwy-ar-lawr (talk | contribs) blocked SPIKE (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 5 seconds (account creation disabled) (does this do what I think it does?)

• 08:07, 17 April 2014 Frosty (talk | contribs) blocked MediaWiki default (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (account creation disabled) (you can't do that... YOU JUST CAN'T!!)

• 15:09, 10 April 2014 Bizzeebeever (talk | contribs) blocked 166.216.165.0/24 (talk) with an expiry time of 1 year (anonymous users only, account creation disabled, cannot edit own talk page) (Hey! Hey, guess what? I have a BONER for you to gnaa on! Ha ha ha ha ha pwnt.)

Top VFH Competitors

• Breaking Bad Wind (9/0)

• Why?:Are motorists out to get me when I ride my bike? (9/1)

• UnNews:Massage bugs discovered in Uganda (7/0)

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VFH Highlight Of The Week This is not an article (12/2)

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From The Forums

• Retro Week is in session

• This looks interesting

• This looks interesting too

• Shiny stuff

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UnSignpost News This is the first UnSignpost issue since August 2013. If that's not news I don't know what is, so stop complaining.

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Chat Quote [22:15] <snerk> I just can't help but think that this is a pattern that is indicative of an anarchist takeover.

– Llwy-ar-lawr (talk • contribs • logs) 04:19, 5 May 2014Uncyclopedia is a community site that anyone can contribute to. Discover, share and add your knowledge! UncyclopediaUncyclopediaIllogicopediai:fr:LogimalpediePaudurapedyjaFrithchiclipeidUncapaediaAbsurdopediaScotypedia

In case you're still alive...

Please come back to Uncyclopedia soon or we are coming after you for child support. --EMC ^[TALK] 16:39 Jun 7 2014

It's back! - The UnSignpost

The UnSignpost

83.54% more reliable than The Daily Mail

25 July 2014 • Issue #202 • Archives • Press Room

UnSignpost: Return of the worst newspaper in history! By Frosty

Uncyclopedia. A kelpy substance.

Uncyclopedia is like a moldy pile of kelp right now. Not a lot of fun is happening right now. Or is it? Well probably not, but the UnSignpost is back! You know that newspaper that occasionally makes appearances on your talkpage that you also totally read. More than ever this newspaper will be uninformative, filled with articles that seem to endlessly ramble on about nothing in particular just to serve as filler and most importantly it will be the newspaper written by barely literate drunks.

Of course, you must ask, will this project actually be happening on any regular basis? You bet! Certain people who are extremely vain, as proven by the writing himself into the article will try and deliver you an UnSignpost every single Friday! That is of course, unless he gets devoured by a moldy pile of kelp. Then it might not happen. Other writers may also take part in this wonderful franchise, but let's face it, it's more likely that you read this entire article through to the end, than people actually write for this place anymore.

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New admin time By Frosty
Once again we find ourselves in that horrible, horrible mode of electing new administrators for Uncyclopedia. A process that never fails to see at least three users permanently quit the site because of "hurt feelings". But apparently, this time will be different. Although we say that every time, we truly mean it this time. Every drama stirrer will win an all expenses paid trip to RAHB's secret rape dungeon where they will have their anus mercilessly pounded with a stick coated in pieces of broken glass, and to top it off, the glass pieces will have been soaked in the HIV virus before hand.

Serious candidates include Kip the Dip, Mr-ex777 and Leverage; and not so serious candidates include RAHB, vandals from 2008 and DungeonSiegeAddict510 (let's face it, who'd vote for him?). And although newspapers are supposed to be non-bias and non-speculative, if you don't vote for Kip, Mr-ex or Leverage you are a loser. Plain and simple.

Users are all encouraged to vote, because unlike with the presidential election, your vote counts! Further more, not every single candidate is a loser, most of them are, but not all of them. Voting commences on August 1, so get ready for some old fashion in your face comedy tragedy!

Biopic For the first time in 2014, we actually have a biopic! This week's biopic is Banzaikitten, who, is one of the very few new comers of 2014 to not bugger off within 7 days of signing up. We would like to thank SPIKE for his contribution in bringing Banzaikitten closer to us through his "take no prisoners" banning style on Wikia. If it wasn't for this, Banzaikitten would never have quit Wikia and joined us at the chosen Uncyclopedia. Please take a moment to thank Banzaikitten for being one of the very, very, VERY few users to join in recent times.

---

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From The Logs

• 14:56, 23 July 2014 Bizzeebeever (talk | contribs) changed block settings for 184.7.86.140 (talk) with an expiry time of 2 weeks (anonymous users only, account creation disabled) (I've decided to use lube. You should feel so lucky.)

• 00:55, 19 July 2014 Frosty (talk | contribs) blocked 184.7.81.56 (talk) with an expiry time of 1 year (anonymous users only, account creation disabled) (Chronic sock wanking and being a really shit vandal.)

• 14:41, 1 July 2014 ChiefjusticeDS (talk | contribs) blocked 23.105.212.133 (talk) with an expiry time of 6 months (anonymous users only, account creation disabled) (I’m coming at you like a dark horse)

Top VFH Competitors

• F4 (10/0)

• Potatoe (10/0)

• Bidet (10/0)

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VFH Highlight Of The Week You Are Gay (13/0)

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From The Forums

• Well, do you?

• Goes without saying, this is Uncyclopedia.

• Good riddance!

• Oh boy...

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UnSignpost News If you've read the UnSignpost all the way to this point, you need help. Seriously.

---

Chat Quote [17:12] You have been disconnected. Attempting to reconnect for you...

~Sir Frosty (Talk to me!) 09:00, 25 July 2014 (UTC)

Two weeks in a row? A new record! It's the UnSignpost

The UnSignpost

Smiting the nail of news with the plastic hammer of truth

01 August 2014 • Issue #203 • Archives • Press Room

...And they're off! By Frosty

Just as lame and boring as a horse race, except without the gambling.

Predictably (and because let's face it, nothing else is happening on the site), the admin election takes the lead story. For those of you living under a rock and those that are just plain slow, Kip the Dip is leading the race by far (+19) and should win be a few lengths, this is definitely because of how hard his jockey is riding him. Cat the Colourful is trailing at second with +13, followed by Leverage at +8 and Banzaikitten at +6. Other notable mentions include Aleister, Mr-ex777, Lost Labyrinth Mattsnow and DungeonSiegeAddict510 who have all succeeded in avoiding the highly embarrassing score of getting +1 or less. Feel free to message the losers with negative scores and point and laugh a lot hahaha.

It shuld be no surprise that the page has been mercilessly trolled with other complete joke nominations including The Chief of AIDS and The Zombie of AIDS.

If you haven't been to the forum yet to cast your vote, do it today! Uncyclopedia admin elections: Twice the drama, half the fat!

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VFH smells By Frosty
This story is nothing short of a PSA, circle-jerking with traces of vote whoring in as well. If you are reading this, you should vote on VFH. VFH voting takes very effort and makes it, at the very least appear, that we have active users. So get down there some time today and vote on all the articles. Some might say you need to actually read them first, well this is (probably) a good idea, but do bear in mind that we don't actually know if you've read it or not. And unlike, when you didn't read Hamlet in your 9th grade English class there is not going to be a surprise test on the matter.

You should also go vote on Frosty's article(s) currently on VFH, it's the least you could do after he SINGLE HANDEDLY wrote this terrible newspaper for you. If you don't, the length of his e-penis will decrease considerably all because he didn't get another feature on a website with a userbase smaller than an Eastern Siberian village.

Biopic This week's biopic is the user named TheRealSexyFluttershy, which just goes to show how desperate we are for biopics that we are willing to write about literally anyone who shows a vague interest or presence in the site. TheRealSexyFluttershy can be found on The Internet Relay Chats discussing things that have relevance to ponies and poopdick on a disturbingly regular basis. However, he does occasionally make the odd presence on the Wiki and even more occasionally he makes useful edits to some page or another.

If you appreciate him go to his talk page and thank him for his noble contributions in the field of poopdick, if you don't appreciate him please feel free to spam his page with poopdick (although he may start furiously masturbating).

---

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From The Logs

• 16:25, 25 July 2014 ChiefjusticeDS (talk | contribs) blocked Bizzeebeever (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (account creation disabled, autoblock disabled) (You look like you're doing something important right now. Are you? What is it? Why are you doing it? Did I break it? Would that be bad?)

• 11:46, 26 July 2014 Frosty (talk | contribs) blocked ChiefjusticeDS (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (account creation disabled) (Asking for it, begging for it actually.)

• 09:24, 29 July 2014 Bizzeebeever (talk | contribs) blocked 173.44.44.121 (talk) with an expiry time of 6 months (anonymous users only, account creation disabled) (Now sit in your corner and think about what you've done)

Top VFH Competitors

• Rape (11/0)

• What's-his-name off that thing (10/0)

• F4 (10/0)

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VFH Highlight Of The Week You Are Gay (14/0)

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From The Forums

• Vote if you haven't already!

• Bunch of sluts!

• This has been bumped again, add yourselves!

• How often should we feature things?

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UnSignpost News Frosty thinks all the other administrators are highly useless. Yeah, sorry guys but you are.

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Chat Quote [21:19] <sleeptyper> RAHB dislikes niggers

~Sir Frosty (Talk to me!) 23:07, 1 August 2014 (UTC)

Does this look infected to you? It's the UnSignpost!

The UnSignpost

The Only Newspaper That Is Not Controlled By The Cabal Who Are You What Are You Doi- AAAAHHHHH

08 August 2014 • Issue #204 • Archives • Press Room

The return of TKF (sort of)! By Frosty

Filial Piety.

Not that much over a year ago, TKF left us with the classic "I'm quitting forever in a highly obnoxious and auto-fellating manor". For about 66 seconds Uncyclopedians everywhere were sad, we all fapped in sadness at the loss of our beloved TKF and things were never going to be quite the same again. Then we all thought to ourselves "good riddance, I hope he contracts Anthrax and dies."

No surprise, but he has come back under the highly illusive nickname "Argylesocks" which is obviously not somebodies sockpuppet because it contains the word socks in it. I mean, if you were a sockpuppet would you give it away so easily? Flawless logic! He can also be found on IRC chatting casually under the "dcik", showing his support for "The Dyslexia Support Foundation".

Head over to his user page and talk page to find out details about his awesome "Uncyclopedia Retrospect project" which is probably some grand social experiment documenting the life and times of hopeless losers on the internet, but hey it SOUNDED COOL.

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Forum dramaz By Frosty
Uncyclopedia has recently had an infestation. An infestation of drama. Drama is bad mmkay? Aside from the obvious fact users get banned, users quit and people proceed to hate each other to the point where you would rub hot English Mustard into their prolapsed anus if you ever saw them in the street, drama distracts you from writing. As does reading the UnSignpost. But reading the UnSignpost is more constructive as the constant not so subliminal messaging telling you to write articles is plastered everywhere. WRITE ARTICLES.

But drama can be entertaining when coupled with cheap scotch and buttered popcorn to the humble obverser. But mainly it's bad, so stop it. No matter how funny you think your drama mongering will never compete with Asperger's Syndrome is no laughing matter... ...and the sequel rest of the trilogy.

Biopic This week's biopic is Chaoarren, which if you haven't meet him yet... You suck basically. He can be found on IRC, occasionally editing the Wiki and frequently reporting established users to Ban patrol because "they made fun of him in his pink skirt" or "he smells funny". Chaoarren has also done the highly laughable feat of running dead last in the most vote rigged admin election in history, where losers like Kip the Dip and Colin actually stand a chance of winning losing.

He's also a noob that hasn't buggered off yet. I wish more of them were like you Chaoarren... I really do...

---

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From The Logs

• 11:50, 6 August 2014 Bizzeebeever (talk | contribs) blocked 107.182.115.32 (talk) with an expiry time of 6 months (anonymous users only, account creation disabled) (You are the weakest Chink. Goodbye.)

• 06:40, 6 August 2014 Zombiebaron (talk | contribs) blocked XReaper (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (account creation disabled) (Horse dick)

• 06:14, 5 August 2014 Bizzeebeever (talk | contribs) blocked 107.182.116.97 (talk) with an expiry time of 6 months (anonymous users only, account creation disabled) (Enjoy this beefy cock.)

Top VFH Competitors

• Rape (12/1)

• F4 (11/0)

• Jared Leto (10/0)

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VFH Highlight Of The Week What's-his-name off that thing (12/0)

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From The Forums

• Vote spam (again)

• Are you a bigger slut than RAHB?

• What this is I don't even

• This'll be good...

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UnSignpost News Confucius say "Shut the fuck up and edit an article".

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Chat Quote [20:17] <James_T> My dick is large

 ~ Capt. Sock Monkey ~ (berate) ~ Fri, Aug 8 '14 12:19 (UTC)

More {{Boner}}s than a ragged Playgirl: It's the UnSignpost!

The UnSignpost

Your #1 source for Cajek ban jokes!

15 August 2014 • Issue #205 • Archives • Press Room

I'm back By Sir Peasewhizz

It was dark times being without Uncyclopedia. Maybe if I got out of the dark and went outside once in while it would be less dark. But you know, lazy me.

I plan to visit Uncyclopedia and do my 'thang (wink wink) at least once a week. But I hold no promises because you can't trust me. I'm a hoe and 3!OH!3 told you to NOT TRUST HOES.

However, I'm sure you guys found out why I was absent from the site for a good 200 years 4+ months and it was because my old laptop KOed and I finally got a new one for school.

So that means I won't be uploading images of Madiq. (pictured)...

Madiq.

I missed you, just kidding, but really. However, I didn't forget you, maybe sometimes,

Is this a haiku or something? My grammar sucks too.

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New admins for you!

By Sir Peasewhizz

New admins/sysops.

Beware everyone, as a result of this there is now an additional 8 new sysops/administrators. They all expect BJS and prizes.
Kip the Dip

Leverage

Supergeeky1

Banzaikitten

Mr-ex777

Colin "All your base" Heaney

Lost Labyrinth

Cat the Colourful

They expect sacrifices. So chop, chop. Make haste.

Biopic This weeks biopic is on someone who doesn't read Uncyclopedia (but they will because we will make them through laughter har har). Her name is Elizabeth and she's from Australia. She showed Sir Peasewhizz her tits...

They were nice. And that is it for today's Biopic. What the fuck did you expect? A fucking biography on the Borgia family?

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From The Logs

• 05:37, August 13, 2014 Bizzeebeever (talk | contribs) resurrected Frosty (talk | contribs) (I felt bad ;_;)

• 05:36, August 13, 2014 Bizzeebeever (talk | contribs) blocked Frosty (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (Adminning while drunk)

• 05:35, August 13, 2014 Bizzeebeever (talk | contribs) resurrected Bizzeebeever (talk | contribs)

Top VFH Competitors

• Humans (12/0)

• F4 (13/0)

• HowTo:Cure homosexuality (11/0)

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VFH Highlight Of The Week UnBooks:Holmes On Homes (16/0)

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From The Forums

• Vote spam (again)

• Roman Dog Bird

• Unban a bastard or nah?

• Why is it? Well... because..

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UnSignpost News This just in: Don't hit your children.

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Chat Quote

[23:56] <SirPeasewhizz> I'm going to go watch anime

[23:57] <thefakeazned525> Which one?

[23:58] <SirPeasewhizz> Uhm Yugioh GX because I'm feeling nostalgic for shitty card games

 ~ Capt. Sock Monkey ~ (berate) ~ Fri, Aug 15 '14 20:12 (UTC)

We gave The UnSignpost an enema, so now it's regular!

The UnSignpost

83.54% more reliable than The Daily Mail

22 August 2014 • Issue #206 • Archives • Press Room

It's the USP!

By Banzaikitten
Welcome to another no longer sporadic edition of Unsignpost. Yes, the quantity of USP's being written has gone through the roof in the last few weeks and as such there is absolutely nothing to report- hence why people who have previously never written one of these are being roped in. One thing of note that has changed is I am now an admin and as such can block RAHB with impunity. God I love to block RAHB. There is nothing quite like the fizzy rush in the root of your penis and the dizzy thrill you get in your anus when blocking RAHB. I urge all who can to try it.

Banzaikitten warns you that this UnSignpost may change your sexual orientation.

But anyway, I'm an admin now and I'm going to try and be the best admin that I can be, and judging from my recent attempt at changing the featured article, and all the admins reactions to my fuck up, the best admin I can be is one who does absolutely no administration work and just writes the occasional UnNews. Thanks for all your votes.

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RAHBs Sexuality By Banzaikitten
I know I've already spoken about RAHB but god help me I just can't stop. We all like voting and there is a very important vote occuring right now. You, yes you, could decide what sexuality RAHB is. Come the end of the vote RAHB sexuality will be decided for him and he will have to perform sexual acts of that nature for the rest of time. I'm hoping Ponies wins.

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Shame on you By the curate

As the curate and the moral compass of this sinful land I must say that I have been appalled at the terrible news that my milkman brought to me. Although I don't remember his exact words, I'll try to reconstruct his speech from my memory, which - and for this I thank God - I am still honored to possess, despite my respectable age.

“ Now, I heard Mr What's-his-name talk to his son about something he heard in the neighbor's house, which I didn't hear, but Mr. What's-his-name-again described it so well that I am positive I can repeat it almost word-by-word. So his neighbor was giving his dog its food and commenced discussing our village's events with it, Mrs. Elizabeth soon became the topic of the conversation, and she, as you know, has a daughter... And a cat. Oh, what a fine Siamese cat! But it is of no relation to our current subject. So e man and his pet chattered on and on and, apparently, that dog ... oh, I mean the man (but, you know, from a distance you really can't tell the difference) uttered that "Mrs. Elizabeth's daughter once read an educational page on the Internet, which talked about homosexuality and how you cure it." And can you guess who the author its author was? Mr. Frosty, the man who lives next door to you! ”

These were the words of the milkman. However, this isn't all. I was not terrified when I heard this, because teaching fellow villagers to cure an abominable disease, which homosexuality certainly is, is a commendable act from Mr. Frosty's part, especially if it was done with no impulse other than to save good Christians.

Alas, I, we have been greatly deceived in our trust! Beware of the appearances, especially when they are found on the unholy Internet!

Ah, wicked men! I, your curate, willing to help your ungrateful souls, decided to try the so-praised advice of Mr. Frosty on myself and proceeded to accomplish it yesterday. I did everything he said to the very last phrase and - I swear by the Holy Grail - it didn't work! Biopic bakpak2hvy is a guy who frequently lurks on our IRC without saying anything. The other day he said something.

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From The Logs

• 15:59, August 16, 2014 Cat the Colourful (talk | contribs) blocked Chaoarren (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ([22:58] <Chaoarren> Can I get joke banned? :D)

• 15:00, August 15, 2014 Lost Labyrinth (talk | contribs) blocked DungeonSiegeAddict510 (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 second (As you aided my quest to take over Uncyclopedia, have a block. I was meant to give this to you earlier but you were already banned for 40 minutes. Have a 1 second extension!)

• 05:57, August 15, 2014 Banzaikitten (talk | contribs) blocked Cat the Colourful (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 10 seconds (Fuck Finland)

Top VFH Competitors

• Humans (12/1)

• UnDebate:What does the fox say? (13/2)

• Jared Leto (11/0)

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VFH Highlight Of The Week F4 (13/0)

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From The Forums

• Olipro is a dick-tator.

• Vote for rainbow names?!

• Vote on RAHB's sexuality.

• View this if you're feeling hot.

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UnSignpost News

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Chat Quote
[17:16] <Banzaikitten> so I wrote the USP kind of
[17:16] <Banzaikitten> its entirely about RAHB
[17:16] <RAHB> Awesome

 ~ Capt. Sock Monkey ~ (berate) ~ Fri, Aug 22 '14 2:13 (UTC)

OMG! A WILD USP IS ON THE LOOSE!

The UnSignpost

Because if the rumors don't spread at the salon, we must spread them in the news.

7 September 2014 • Issue #207 • Archives • Press Room

Returning MASTERMINDS

By Sir Peasewhizz
Hi, My name is Sir Peasewhizz. Stop throwing tomatoes you assholes! STAHP! READER PLS. STAHP.

Okay, so what is really going on, you may say? 'I'm about to fucking tell you. Enjoy.

The legendary Xamralco, who pwns.

Did you know that every ten seconds: another ten seconds kicks in? Yeah, mind equals blown right now, eh? Did you know that the return of one legendary user triggers other legendary users to return as well? When Argylesocks returned from his previous state (not Blue Mountain), it only was a matter of time until the legend named MadMax returned from his couple-of-months-long sojourn in the wild country known as Ethiopia. MadMax does not steal the few supplies of food Ethiopia has, you sick fuck! HE HAS A SOUL.

For those who have heard of the legendary Xamralco, he has returned to. He is an admin and a fantastic writer. We love him. You love. YOU LOVE HIM.

Okay? Okay.

Now if anyone sees Dawg, slap him and tell him to come back. And for Olipro... gosh. I can't even.

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Vote for highlights, you giant boner goblins.

By Sir Peasewhizz

Here is a random picture of a stack of gold. Craving it? Good.

We were once surpassing the votes per article goal of 10 not much longer than a week ago. SHAME! HOW COULD WE HAVE LET THIS DROP TO NEARLY 5 OUT OF 10?! EVERYBODY, HEADS DOWN!

When I say you can put your heads up, you will all go and vote on the feature nominations. Okay? And no laughing or detention!

Biopic For this edition of your favorite paper, the USP, we had the chance to get the Biopic for one of the biggest badasses to ever live. That person/thingy/chatter was auror, whom we found frolicking in our IRC channel one evening.

When we asked auror if she would like to be Biopic'ed (did I spell that right? SPELL CHECK PLS) she gave a powerful speech.

“ no ”

Thank you! Give it up for auror!

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From The Logs

• 00:54, September 1, 2014 Bizzeebeever (talk | contribs) blocked IlanaZkhfzm (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (user did not suck Leverage's cock as promised)

• 16:02, August 31, 2014 Leverage (talk | contribs) blocked AleidaJbjo (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (sister did not suck my cock as promised)

• 12:24, August 29, 2014 Kip the Dip (talk | contribs) blocked Electric Pope (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 7 centuries, 4 decades, 8 years, 364 days, 14 hours, 38 minutes and 24 seconds (Annoying douchebag.)

Top VFH Competitors

• Shirley Phelps-Roper (8/0)

• Rape (12/6)

• UnNews:Everyone who hates ice bucket challenge donating money to charity (7/0)

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VFH Highlight Of The Week Psychedelic Rosie and Her Coat of Many Colors (9/0)

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From The Forums

• Sir Peasewhizz came up with a great idea apparently, but nobody has replied. So screw his idea.

• Leverage wants people to update/add/fladangle with the DYK shit. Shall we? We should. Maybe. Idk. DO IT.

• Inspiring parody

• UnMedicine project page? Is anyone here a doctor? WELL THEN YOU'RE A NERD!

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UnSignpost News The USP will be delivered on Sundays now. (or around then)

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Chat Quote
[17:42] <ColinAYB> Kippy is forever topical

[17:42] <ColinAYB> Just like the lotion he uses when he takes it to the hub.

[17:46] <Kippy> You don't even need to see all the nudity to take it to the hub.

SLENDERMAN ^talk (Currently following you) 02:52, 7 September 2014 (UTC)

Unsignpost delivery attempt numbr hideous implosion

The UnSignpost

The Newspaper 4 out of 5 Dentists Agree On!

14 September 2014 • Issue #208 • Archives • Press Room

Pee Review pls

By Sir Peasewhizz
Hi, My name is Sir Peasewhizz. Stop hurling babies at me! STAHP! READER PLS. STAHP.

It is days like these when I realize what a cruel world we live in. It seems that Pee Review has bitten the dust. For just a few minutes of your day and some cash you can help solve this crisis. Seriously, you hoes.

Piss on my review quests.

Olipro is gay.

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Vote for highlights, you giant boner goblins.

By Sir Peasewhizz

Here is a random picture of a stack of gold. Craving it? Good.

We were once surpassing the votes per article goal of 10 not much longer than a week ago. SHAME! HOW COULD WE HAVE LET THIS DROP TO NEARLY 5 OUT OF 10?! EVERYBODY, HEADS DOWN!

When I say you can put your heads up, you will all go and vote on the feature nominations. Okay? And no laughing or detention!

Yes, I copied this from the last issue of the USP, you boner goblins. That picture of gold? That was also from the last issue, as well.

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Uncyclopedia App

By Anton199

There has recently (a certain amount of time before the latest UnSignpost issue) been a lot of talk about creating an Uncyclopedia App as well as an Uncyclospecies. The idea consists in producing and selling the app which will transform all the human beings who use them into Uncyclopedians. The majority of the users (about 50% of those two who really participated) found this idea great (think that it is funny to talk about) and maybe even began working on it (asked someone else to think about it). Nothing else is known about them, as they disappeared soon after the first experiments were held.

The main problem this project has is that, in fact, nobody knows how to create an app. In addition to this, there is no money, as most of it was spent on Ferraris, that were supposed to bring more money but didn't. Finally, some people think that it might be harmful for the environment (nobody cares).

The project is currently being discussed (some users still post random spam on the forum) and with a certain probability the app is going to be created in nearby future (it is never going be to created but some people do think about it). Biopic Alas, an actual Biopic for SEPTEMBAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! Today, the Biopic will be on a man who carries the identity, MrC. He was doing some hardcore crunches while he was surfing the IRC and thus we gained a little more info this is a run on sentence fuk yea murica.

His origin: "Some Uncyclopedians messed around in another channel recently. After hearing all the stories and rumors, I figured I'd like to see for myself."

So when we asked MrC if he could tell us how to get, how to get to Sesame Street, he said "I don't know... bribe Cookie Monster with a cookie?"

There you have it, words of wisdom BOOI!

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From The Logs

• 22:20, September 10, 2014 Bizzeebeever (talk | contribs) blocked LorrineLundy (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (Orange is the new black. Welcome to Internet Jail, Lorrine.)

• 22:14, September 10, 2014 Bizzeebeever (talk | contribs) blocked CharissSparrow (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (Dude, your gay porn name is lame)

• 22:12, September 10, 2014 Bizzeebeever (talk | contribs) blocked VictorForest (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (Eat my crotch-forest, Victor.)

Top VFH Competitors

• UnNews:Everyone who hates ice bucket challenge donating money to charity (8/1)

• My Yu-Gi-Oh! collection (6/0)

• A letter about Megan Fox (6/0)

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VFH Highlight Of The Week Shirley Phelps-Roper (9/0)

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From The Forums

• Piss on these

• Proposal of Changes

• Drugs?

• Allahland...

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UnSignpost News Hi. This is a lazy edition of the UnSignpost.

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Chat Quote
[21:46] Star651 has quit (Quit: Page closed)

[21:46] SirPeasewhizz: NOOOOO

[21:46] SirPeasewhziz: BAE

Brace Yourselves, The UnSignpost is Coming!

The UnSignpost

The Newspaper Whose Mom Said It Was Cool!

21 September 2014 • Issue #209 • Archives • Press Room

IMPERIAL COLONIZATION OR NAH? By Sir Peasewhizz

SUCK MY ASSSS!

Previously, in the past, Uncyclopedia has done a project called Uncyclopedia:Imperial Colonization, which mimics is a battle against crap-quality articles. We recently have finished the colonization of Albert Einstein, because fuck we didn't need a good article on him before amiright?

Anyways I'm telling you this because it would be soooo sweet if we could get this running again... and I kinda need Xamralco or any other admin to combine histories again because I just found out I shouldn't have moved the project myself...

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Vote for highlights, you giant boner goblins. (third issue in a row)

By Sir Peasewhizz

Here is a random picture of a stack of gold. Craving it? Good.

We were once surpassing the votes per article goal of 10 not much longer than a week ago. SHAME! HOW COULD WE HAVE LET THIS DROP TO NEARLY 5 OUT OF 10?! EVERYBODY, HEADS DOWN!

When I say you can put your heads up, you will all go and vote on the feature nominations. Okay? And no laughing or detention!

Wow a third week of using the same entry in a row? GEEZ.

Biopic Nahhh. I don't really feel like it!

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From The Logs

• 13:13, September 17, 2014 Lost Labyrinth (talk | contribs) blocked WolfganKix (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (Wolfgan's arse is going to get Kix if he doesn't stop making accounts here.)

• 13:12, September 17, 2014 Lost Labyrinth (talk | contribs) blocked JanetteMelton (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (You brought your girlfriend with you? How sweet. She can fuck off too once she's tossed me off.)

• 13:11, September 17, 2014 Lost Labyrinth (talk | contribs) blocked AndreBecker (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (OMG A SPAMBOT! I've missed seeing you around man. Where you been these past few days? It's been so emotional. Okay, emotional reunion is over. Now fuck off.)

Top VFH Competitors

• Antibiotics (9/0)

• My Yu-Gi-Oh! collection (9/0)

• Firesheep (8/0)

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VFH Highlight Of The Week Ludwig Wittgenstein (9/0)

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From The Forums

• Enter On This day submissions, plz.

• Mobile issues

• Sorry, I don't speak Cuntenese. (Bot rights or something)

• Mass massaging messaging can now be used by the admins!!

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UnSignpost News Please VFH, Colonize, etc.

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Chat Quote
[15:07] bakpak2hvy is edible.

[15:07] TheFakeazneD525 chews on bakpak2hvy

The USP is coming for you! (and your little dog too)

The UnSignpost

The Newspaper That Openly Admits Its Liberal And Conservative Biases!

28 September 2014 • Issue #210 • Archives • Press Room

Incoming October bullshit

By Sir Peasewhizz
So apparently, October follows September. As we all know, Halloween follows September. This means that I get to make a suggestion, amirite?

So I was thinking long and hard one day (which was literally five minutes not twenty-four hours) about something cool we could do for Halloween this year. No, I don't mean egg your neighbor's house... I was thinking maybe we could feature something on Halloween?

Okay yes, I know this is something we basically do every year, and I know you are reading this preparing to accuse me of filling space... and you'd be right.

Biopic Nahhh. I don't really feel like it!

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From The Logs

• 12:34, September 25, 2014 Colin "All your base" Heaney (talk | contribs) blocked Banzaikitten (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 hour and 9 minutes (You're like the Grinch, except it's your cock that's three sizes too small.)

• 14:35, September 24, 2014 Lost Labyrinth (talk | contribs) blocked 173.213.80.213 (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (Your free trial of Uncyclopedia has expired.)

• 07:05, September 24, 2014 Leverage (talk | contribs) blocked JessieTedesco (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (fuck Jessie Tedesco, he gets his clothes from Tecso)

Top VFH Competitors

• Nouvelle cuisine (10/0)

• HowTo:Fry an egg (9/0)

• Firesheep (9/1)

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VFH Highlight Of The Week UnNews:Obama to outline IS strategy after consulting Stonehenge gods (10/0)

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From The Forums

• Which one of you heathens killed Pee Review?

• Here is where you tell about your new articles.

• Vote on this, it's not getting attention.

• Don't smoke the dope, kids.

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UnSignpost News Please VFH, Colonize, etc.

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Chat Quote
<ColinAYB> Actually his lips did sink ships

<ColinAYB> In the sense that he sucked e

Excuse me, sir, do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, the USP?

The UnSignpost

Now With 0 Trans Fat!

5 October • Issue #211 • Archives • Press Room

Uncyclopedia's preparations for Ebola By Sir Peasewhizz

Gross.

As we all know, a Texan man has brought the Ebola virus to the United States of America. And as country, we are all freaking out. Even Obama, who never freaks out, has freaked out. He now refuses to kiss Michelle because he has become a germophobe.

Anywho, we here at Uncyclopedia have determined that Ebola can be avoided by simple measures. We encourage everyone to wash their hands, especially after ferocious masturbation. Remember kids, diseases come for hookers. So stay away from hookers as well.

Biopic Nahhh. I don't really feel like it again!

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From The Logs

• 12:34, September 25, 2014 Leverage (talk | contribs) blocked 178.137.80.72 (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (dickery)

• 15:07, September 28, 2014 Lost Labyrinth (talk | contribs) blocked 23.231.7.217 (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (The Maitri Inthusut has ordered us to block editing permanently for all residents of the Phuket Province.)

• 13:39, September 28, 2014 Leverage (talk | contribs) blocked Leanna Hollway (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (she wouldn't go the "holl way" with me)

Top VFH Competitors

• White-haired Asian Scientist (8/0)

• Bluestocking (8/1)

• Aries (6/0)

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VFH Highlight Of The Week Firesheep (10/1)

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From The Forums

• Which one of you heathens killed Pee Review?

• Here is where you tell about your new articles.

• Vote on this, it's not getting attention.

• No more silly rules

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UnSignpost News Shabidoo's competition has begun.

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Chat Quote
<Denza252> ephemey: am i trololololololing?

dicks lol: It's UnSignpost time!

The UnSignpost

The Newspaper With Love In Every Paragraph!

19 October • Issue #212 • Archives • Press Room

Hi

By Sir Peasewhizz
Do u think we should cancel the USP

Anyone

Biopic Nahhh. I don't really feel like it againnn!

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From The Logs

• 02:04, October 12, 2014 Xamralco (talk | contribs) resurrected Xamralco (talk | contribs) (I have frostbite on my nipples.)

• 01:58, October 12, 2014 Frosty (talk | contribs) blocked Xamralco (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 3 years, 6 hours, 32 minutes and 24 seconds (Obligatory retaliation ban)

• 01:46, October 12, 2014 Xamralco (talk | contribs) blocked Frosty (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 3 seconds (Obligatory welcome back block)

Top VFH Competitors

• Richard M. Nixon (8/0)

• Why?:Eat a full English Breakfast (8/0)

• Antiques Road Rage Show (8/0)

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VFH Highlight Of The Week UnDebate:Should women rap? (10/0)

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From The Forums

• FFW2014

• FFW2014 (for pussies)

• That time I nearly sojourned on a village dump or a short and repetitive story about what it's like to read short and repetitive articles

• This gay forum about renaming the site... PISS ON THIS

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UnSignpost News Shabidoo's competition has ended.

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Chat Quote None

The UnSignpost is back, baby! (And also a little bit of front)

The UnSignpost

The Free Newspaper Only Two People Started Out Editing, But Now They Want Nothing To Do With!

9 November • Issue #213 • Archives • Press Room

Donate your soul to Uncyclopedia!

By Sir Peasewhizz
Before time began there was the cube. Wait, hold on... yeah wrong script. Okay, let's start again. Before the internet was cool, there was no Uncyclopedia. This is because before Uncyclopedia was a website, there was this awful site for information that anybody could edit called Wikipedia. There was also catfishes and cocks.

That all changed back in 2005. When Uncyclopedia was established/founded/spawned/born/emerged/created, the internet took off. Not literally, but metaphorically... or something. The fact remains that the world, with the introduction of Unyclopedia, began to gain faith in the internet. The Amish began to use electricity after Uncyclopedia was established!

And our legacy could fade away; not unlike my basketball trick shot.

All jokes aside, Uncyclopedia may be content-free, as one could say, but it is not free to run. Uncyclopedia runs on a server and this requires money. We don't mean like the billions Obama requires, but it still needs a bit of money to be a legendary thing.

How does Wikipedia stay up then? Well, we're not Wikipedia. We're run by no employees and we're instead run by dedicated users who spend their time editing/fucking with the site that they love. Uncyclopedia is nearly ten years old, so it's not like the joy of "uncyclopediating" isn't real. It's in the Webster Dictionary.

Not every one is rich either, in fact, we're all kinda bland. Money doesn't grow on trees. Now we're not gonna hold you for ransom and we sure as hell aren't going to guilt you into donating to our cause... but think about the children that would starve without us!

Basically, read more about it here. Thanks for your time.

If you can't donate, don't. We won't force you to do something we can't ourselves.

And another thing you could do besides donate is spread the word or buy something from our store.

Anyone

Biopic You a fool? I wouldn't do another biopic if I felt like it! You a fool? I wouldn't do another biopic if I felt like it! You a fool? I wouldn't do another biopic if I felt like it! You a fool? I wouldn't do another biopic if I felt like it! You a fool? I wouldn't do another biopic if I felt like it! You a fool? I wouldn't do another biopic if I felt like it! You a fool? I wouldn't do another biopic if I felt like it!

---

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From The Logs

• 05:54, November 7, 2014 Leverage (talk | contribs) blocked DickSankthptxd with an expiry time of infinite (talk | contribs) (his dick sank)

• 22:48, October 29, 2014 Xamralco (talk | contribs) blocked 50.115.173.177 (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 month (made me read some gay book)

• 15:45, October 29, 2014 Lost Labyrinth (talk | contribs) blocked Zficysll (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (Why bother trying to spam Uncyclopedia? If you're as good with girls as you are at hitting abuse filters then I'm sure you'll have no problem getting laid.)

Top VFH Competitors

• Dag Hammarskjöld (8/0)

• UnNews:Wrestlemania 87 commentary LIVE! (10/2)

• Electricity (8/0)

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VFH Highlight Of The Week President Hoover (11/1)

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From The Forums

• Comeback of the Year

• Read about donating here.

• Parody of Wikipedia banner

• Someone who is good with WikiStats should look here.

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UnSignpost News Donate to Uncyclopedia if you can.

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Chat Quote None.

Re-feature queue

If you want, you can go to Uncyclopedia:Re-feature queue/Nominate and pick one featured article that you wrote to be re-featured. You can also pick three features written by someone else to re-feature. -- Sir Xam Ralco the Mediocre 20:15, 17 November 2014 (UTC)

Vote, Vote, Vote

It's that time of the year again! We're going to be showing off our Top Ten Articles of 2014 soon but so far, very few people have voted. It's all up to you to decide what's the best of the best! Go to Forum:Top 10 Articles of 2014 and vote now! -- Sir Xam Ralco the Mediocre 02:22, 30 January 2015 (UTC)

This page looked like it needed some love

Luckily, I am here to give it some. Thanks for dropping by, Global: it's good to see you around. We now have a Discord server which has replaced our IRC - you should drop in, we'd love to talk to you. Welcome back :) →L A B O R A T O R I E S 20:41 16 March 2019

Confirming it's little old me

Someone in the discord app stopped me on the sidewalk and shouted "Ihre papiere, bitte!" -- GlobalTourniquet: UnAstrologer, UnJournalist, shameless narcissistic America-hating liberal atheist award-winning featured writer 20:25, 19 March 2019 (UTC)

Welcome back

I lurve seeing old timers coming back. I pasted your horoscopes into a UnNews story, and shared it on Facebook. When I wrote horoscopes, I decided it was too easy to miss the Horoscopes section (which has long been a randomised version of my hilarious quips). So I started making them like an UnNews story in their own right, you just have to date it: https://en.uncyclopedia.co/wiki/Special:Search?search=horoscopes&ns102=1&fulltext=Search+UnNews%21 Leverage (talk) 11:10, 10 October 2020 (UTC)

Yeah, welcome back to fucking Uncyc. Hope you're here to stay. ~ Kakun · talk 14:36, 10 October 2020 (UTC)

So should I post this week's twelve incredible new hilarious quips in both places? Or do I leave it up to you, Leverage, to add it to UnNews proper? (and as for dating, I dated it, as I always used to, with Monday's date of the coming week - if that is unsaatisfactory, let me know and I'll comply. I'm a complier from way back. I come from a long line of compliers. My father was a complier, as was his father before him, and his father's father before him...) -- GlobalTourniquet: UnAstrologer, UnJournalist, shameless narcissistic America-hating liberal atheist award-winning featured writer 20:25, 19 March 2019 (UTC)

I just did it. You should make it as an UnNews story in future, otherwise people won't really see it as far as I can tell. Leverage (talk) 07:30, 22 October 2020 (UTC)

Happy Monkey Competition 2021

Hey its HAPPY MONKEY TIME 2021 (Feb 21-28). Your favourite writing competition where we write articles on one another's suggested topics. Go ahead and sign up because the more users we have competiting the more ridonculously fun it is. If you don't wanna write you can sign up to judge! Sing up here. Remember it's not about writing a sure fire VFH article, but pushing the limits of your originality and creativity and spitting out an article on a topic you had never thought about writing before. Also...Shabidoo will love you forever and owe you like a zillion favours for it. He will literally do anything to please you if it means you participate. Happy Monkey Farts!!! ShabiDOO 15:52, 10 February 2021 (UTC)

UnSignpost Home Delivery for May 1st, 2021

The UnSignpost

Now Delivered Trendily Late!

1 May 2021 • Issue #215 • Archives • Press Room

Most Active Admin Gets Promoted to Bureaucrat, Transitions to Female By Cassie

Following an incredible (by 2021 Uncyclopedian standards) 16 VFS votes, Uncyclopedia's most active administrator has initiated their transition to female. Said admin, now known publicly as Cassie, has had a talk page that often inflated by 80,000 bytes or more weekly, and singlehandedly managed a vast variety of things, including (but not limited to): vandal whipping, being the school principal, managing VFH, and more.
"Vandalism, eh? Fuck off already," they said, whilst throwing bags of feces at our new dumpyard.

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Vote for Sandwiches: Triple Resignation, Quintuple the Drama By Cassie
Following the resignation of two of our longtimemost bureaucrats, EMC and Zombiebaron, in addition to the resignation of admin CandidToaster, a new wave rejuvenated much of the now-ancient television show Vote for Sandwiches. MrX and Hipponias quickly climbed the ranks; Shabidoo received the same treatment, but ultimately withdrew. Zana Dark and JJPMaster were both nominated for a new category, interface operator, instead of the traditional sandwich role granted.

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Uncyclopedia's Technologies are Finally Modernized By Cassie
it has been a long time in the making, but Uncyclopedia's editing technologies have finally been optimized for the new decade. An introduction of a new extended-confirmed protection level has enabled famous articles, such as AAAAAAAAA!, to see the light of commoners' editing again. Utilities such as Huggle, RedWarn, CurateThisPage, autoarchiving, and a lot more has been implemented thanks to JJPMaster. Many gnomes have been working on this; as such, please treat their work with respect! Biopic This edition's biopic is about the joy of templating. Templating is a fine art which can be practiced on Uncyclopedia, its parody Wikipedia, and so many other places. It can furthermore be expanded to "module coding", which produces the same stuff albeit in a much more efficient and dynamic way. Come try templating now!

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From The Logs

• 1 May 2021 Cassie renamed user Redacted (8224 edits) to Cassie (Per message here)

• 10 April 2021‎ JJPMaster (38 bytes) (-13)‎ . . (Reverting edit(s) by Gale5050 (talk) to rev. 6045969 by Celeste:shhhhhhhhhhh (RW 16.1dev))

• 22 February 2021 Cassie blocked JJPMaster with an expiration time of 4 hours and 20 minutes (account creation disabled) (You [[Witch-Hunting For Fun and Profit

Top VFH Competitors

• User:Zombiebaron/Resignation (9/2)

• UnNews:As Bernie Sanders starts his second term, we reflect on his Presidency so far (5.5/4)

• Patent nonsense on Wheels! (1/2.5)

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VFH Highlight Of The Week COVID-19 (6/1)

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From The Forums

• We are still learning how to count. Albeit much faster.

• Gale5050.

• There is nothing to worry about! Right?

• Gale5050 again. Or not.

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UnSignpost News Following 1.5+ years of hiatus, Cassie has taken the lead, in a unilateral albeit undramatic manner, and has designated themselves as the lead editor of the UnSignpost.

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Chat Quote Supergeeky1: Boner.

It's beginning to look a lot like…

See you next year! The first annual *Kiss My Ass* Holiday Competition has officially ended for 2021

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Up for grabs is the coveted Clark Griswold Award for Holiday Cheer. Who will be crowned Holiday Victor?

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Judgement day is upon ye!

Seasons Greetings!

It's that special time of year. A wonderful time for friends and family to rejoice in gaiety. Not you! You usually spend all of your hard-earned money on gifts for them, and now you just want to hibernate until your finances recuperate. Well, here at Uncyclopedia, entering our newest competition won't cost you a penny — Sign Up Today! (pretty please)  –     (ooh!) (aah!) ...·º•ø®@» LEG CUN GUN DUN 13:31, 13 December 2021