User talk:CJHavoc
Welcome![edit source]
Hello, CJHavoc, and welcome to Uncyclopedia! Thank you for your contributions. I hope you like the place and decide to stay. If not, the door's right over there... no, a little more to your left... yeah. Anyway, here are a few good links for people like you:
- Beginner's Guide
- Our Vanity Policies - why we don't care about your friends
- How to be funny and not just stupid
If you read anything at all, make it the above three links. If you want to find out more about Uncyclopedia or need more help with something, try these:
- About Uncyclopedia and The five pliers of Uncyclopedia
- How to get started editing on Uncyclopedia
- Help Pages - if you need help with a specific issue
I hope you enjoy editing here and being an Uncyclopedian! Please sign your name on talk pages using four tildes (~~~~) or use the "sign" button (
) above the edit box. This will automatically produce your name and the date.
At Uncyclopedia, writing articles is not a requirement, but it certainly is a fun and easy way to express your creativity. To write an article, it's recommended that you start it in your userspace (for example, User:CJHavoc/Article about stuff) so you can edit it at your leisure. If you decide to create it in the cold world of mainspace, make sure it is in accordance with the policies laid out above, and if you're not done put the "Work-In-Progress" template - {{construction}} - onto it as well.
If the current colonization doesn't suit your fancy, then browse our rewrite and idea categories. We have lots of articles just sitting around for someone to improve, so don't be afraid - dive right in!
If you need help, ask me on my talk page, ask at the Dump, or ask an administrator on their talk page. Additionally, the Uncyclopedian Adopt-a-Noob program is there to bring experienced editors straight to you. Simply leave a message on an adopter's talkpage to join. Again, welcome! -- MegaPleb • Dexter111344 • Complain here 10:00, January 8, 2011 (UTC)
Thanks very much! I finished How To Be Funny And Not Just Stupid, am most way through the n00b guide, and will tackle the vanity policy on Monday - Uncyclopedia being a (un)constructive way to fill the long, boring hours when nothing happens at work. If I get fired for it, it was totally worth it.
Thanks again! CJHavoc 10:08, January 8, 2011 (UTC)
Apocalyptica and You[edit source]
I've moved a copy of the recently huffed article to your userspace for you to work on. If you need any help let me know... -- Sir Mhaille 
(talk to me)
Do not attempt to adjust your set. This is the UnSignpost.[edit source]
The Newspaper That Won't Tell Everyone That You Wet the Bed! Oops...
Jan 20th, 2011 • Issue 104 • Whatever happened to Wagon Wheels?
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PuppyOnTheRadio makes a discovery!
 Incredible, isn't it; we were pretty astounded ourselves... the UnSignpost actually has some news to report! Yes, everyone's favourite radio-fetishist canine has made the discovery of the This paper understands that the discovery occurred as PuppyOnTheRadio was sniffing spores, mould and fungus (as he does every Tuesday), when he accidentally sneezed mucus all over them. POTR then observed some remarkable effects as the So if you witness some huge game purges going on, do not be concerned; it's just the administrators cleaning up after POTR; needless to say they hate him for this. You all think about that before you next consider doing something useful; all you have to gain is the eternal hatred of every active administrator, although if you really want that, he has posted some ads looking for help. Also yes, this paper is aware that the image accompanying this story is of Sigmund Freud as opposed to a real scientist; this is not because we don't know who he is, but simply because POTR has issues. Facebook for a day
 Those of you who arrived at Uncyclopedia on the 16th of this month may have noticed that the main page looked like Facebook. We here at the UnSignpost certainly did; we were celebrating the inevitable salaries, dental plans and offices with swivel chairs that inevitably come with people who have money being in charge when Zombiebaron told us it was just a reskin, what a jerk. The page has received high praise from the community, especially those who were in it. The brains behind it (and we use the term brains loosely) were Zombiebaron and Lyrithya, who spent a great deal of their seemingly limitless free time working on it. This newspaper can only assume they were both living off other people's money and not paying tax at the time, because if they contributed anything to society then they would have been slumped in front of their TV's, miserable and alone, frittering away their time on earth like the rest of us. Did we mention that they are probably in the country illegally? As per this newspaper's policy of forgetting to ask people for quotes in case they say something worth writing, we have simply observed Lyrithya (from a safe distance) to find out her feelings on the reskin. Don't do this, for your own safety. All she does is eat Cheetos and whine. Zombiebaron has once again obliged us by simply saying "Zombiebaron" in response to any question our reporters ask. All joking aside, the reskin was superb and a lot of hard work went into its creation, and not just from the two users mentioned. Others were involved in some of the jokes, creativity and stuff. Check the reskin out in the main page history if you missed it, or you can check out all the main page reskins in the reskin archive. |
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~ 
08:15, 20 January 2011
UnSignpost! Wheeee![edit source]
Now With 0 Trans Fat!
Jan 27th, 2011 • Issue 105 • Do not try this at home!
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Awards and Voting Update
 As the Uncyclopedian voting season draws to a close, the UnSignpost is proud to have spent a full ten minutes looking at the scores on the award pages so you don't have to! Over on Writer of the Year Aleister in Chains has taken a lead of two points over Mhaille and Sog1970 who are tied in second place with 9 each. It looks as though WotY is set to be a real roller coaster thrill ride as the frontrunners approach the final furlong, looking to be the first to vault the pommel horse of victory and ultimately hit it out of the park for a triple 20 score of 180, all without potting the black... or getting knocked off their broomsticks. Meanwhile Uncyclopedian of the Year is interesting, if only to watch Uncyclopedians revelling in a completely non-gay celebration of how fantastic everyone else is, all except the leader, ironically, who this newspaper maintains is a work-shy wank-stain on the pants of life. The Top 10 articles of 2010 is almost finished and the leaders of the pack are becoming apparent, with Suddenly, Raccoons leading the pack and Gay whales in Darfur and A wizard did it tying for second place. There has been some comment on this positioning: mostly screams of horror that an article comprising 6 words could possibly competing for best article of the year, sighs of resignation as it inches closer to actually achieving that end and the snorting guffaws of the people voting for it as they accidentally eat the ends of their fingers while eating crisps and try to cross busy roads without looking. UnSignpost Disclaimer: All scores are correct at time of writing, if they change, as they inevitably will, why not look at it as a metaphor for our inability to understand the universe as it changes around us and leave this story alone? Panic, despair and anguish
 It was a fine day, and then Wikia came. They destroyed that which we hold dear, had the tenacity to upgrade the site, kidnapped our children after we refused to pay them for piping all the rats out of town, turned all our clocks backwards 3 hours and worst of all they turned Mordillo into a newt... but he got better. Yes, this week has seen another Wikia update, and our roving reporters have taken to the streets, in flak jackets naturally, to investigate the chaos currently engulfing Uncyclopedia, as people wake up to discover the changes to bits of the site they never used. First of all we stopped by the Village Dump, where the peasants are revolting, and some people are quite upset about the new changes. Chief among those people is Dexter111344, starter of the forum topic Technical difficulties with Wikimedia updates in January 2011; we didn't bother interviewing him as he looked quite mean, though this periodical does observe that Dexter has been protesting against regular bathing for some time now and nobody else really wants to talk to him. If you aren't Spang, Olipro or Lyrithya you won't have a clue what is going on, so we have condensed it down into a suitably stupid phrase just for you "Shit dun' got fucked up". From here we dropped by Wikia headquarters and, once we had obtained docking clearance and the shield on the forest moon was deactivated, we were able to speak to Stay classy, Uncyclopedia, and watch out for DPLs. If you find something that is badly broken and adversely effecting the running of the site as a whole then contact an administrator or an |
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~ 04:44, 27 January 2011
The UnSignpost is now served with complimentary tacos.[edit source]
The Newspaper That Contains Neither News Nor Paper.
Feb 3rd, 2011 • Issue 106 • Can you feel the news melt?
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Awards and the winners thereof
 Those of you who were rapt by the news from last issue were doubtless concerned by the news of Wikia updates, however life around the wiki appears to be proceeding as normal, albeit with more swearing and misery. Despite this last week being quite a slow one as far as news goes, the UnSignpost refuses to simply lie back and think of England. Our roving reporters have sat down with the yearly award winners to find out just how it feels to  Next we stealthily followed Aleister in Chains to work to find out just how he felt about being named Writer of the Year. He had this to say, to someone else: "Everyone nominated deserved the award. Seriously. It's like chopping a baby up bit by bit (dibs on the heart and some of the toes)," which means he is a whole 10% more stable than last years winner! It seems only fair that we should speak to Mhaille, repeat Writer of the Year loser and bureaucrat; he said, "I'd like to thank all the voters who for the fifth year running didn't get me a WOTY award and all the people who took time out from their busy schedule of not being on Uncyclopedia to come back and offer their support in our annual awards." What a splendid fellow. We here at the UnSignpost are all agreed that it takes real talent to lose as gracefully as Mhaille does. In an unprecedented turn of events, Useless Gobshite of the Year was jointly received by both Arsehole and Twattycake; Twattycake also picked up the Uncyclopedian of the Year award in a final evening of voting that will go down in history as having happened last weekend. We haven't asked them for quotes, though Twattycake did manage to say something about being incredibly grateful to everyone who voted for him. He then tried to consume our correspondent's "essence," so we haven't got anything more from him. The Top 10 of 2010 extravaganza also concluded with Suddenly, Raccoons taking the top spot, closely followed by A wizard did it, Filial Piety and Gay whales in Darfur. Mhaille, who won't stop following our journalists around, said "This years "Top" 10 shows once again that people of taste and infinite comedic writing talent must be found soon to stop this travesty from ever occurring again". The top ten extravaganza will continue for a while longer as each of the articles in the top 10 is once again highlighted on the front page. With that, Uncyclopedia's voting season draws to a close, leaving the UnSignpost bereft of filler material. Again. UnNews update
 After spending the last several months in a sensory deprivation tank, Reverend zim ulator has returned to his position at Uncyclopedia, though only on a part-time basis, the slacker. In his absence, SPIKE has been doing a There have been some grumblings about the UnNews podcast, more specifically the lack of updates since last summer. As of today, the podcast has been updated with UnNews' latest audios, dating back to January 24 2010. By the time this article is published, the list should stretch back to last August or so. Go check it out now; we'll wait. UnFunnies on UnNews main page are being changed again, after a hiatus. The cartoonist had been hospitalized with juxtaposition atrophy for the last several months, keeping him from his easel. |
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~ 02:36, 3 February 2011
This edition of the UnSignpost brought to you in two's complement...[edit source]
Sucking Journalism's Fat Wang. Badly.
Feb 10th, 2011 • Issue 107 • The newspaper that you should really sign up for and read on your own talk page
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Surprise!
 Is this a bag of poo I see before me? Indeed it is, good sirs and questionable madams; surprising, isn't it?! See how we have magnificently crafted the title of the competition here? We used the word poo, so it's sophisticated and funny! Especially if we set it on fire! Yes, it is Poo Lit Surprise time and it has been since January the 18th! However the UnSignpost won't let being some 23 days late to the competition stop the relentless march of journalism. The competition has been hosted this time around by sexy Scot Sycamore. When asked about the competition, Sycamore told our reporter "Things have gone pretty well with PLS. I've enjoyed reading many of the entries, and the quality has been very impressive - hopefully we'll see some great features from some very good new and old writers". Now in light of these comments, you may be thinking, "There's a man with his head screwed on correctly, I must pop round to his house for tea and muffins next time I'm out on a jaunt round Scotland," but we implore you not to do this, because Sycamore is, to be frank, snooker-loopy.The competition is due to provide definitive results by the 13th, but the fierce intensity in the competition id rivalled only by Mordillo's intense desire not to do any judging until late March (he claims he has life issues) and Sockpuppet of an unregistered user's desire to avoid allocating a clear winner (he clearly has life issues). The UnSignpost would like to extend its congratulations to everyone who participated in the PLS; as we always say, every single one of you is a winner; it's just that most of you won't actually be winners. Big News!
 First, a confession: I have just lied to all of you; there is no big news to report. Just about everyone has gotten over the Wikia update frenzy of a few weeks ago, there are no big awards left to report on, no controversies or pregnancies, or indeed pregnancies or controversies. We, well, I say we; it's just me really - which makes the meetings and functions really dull- have thought and thought and thought about what to put in this space. Should we tell you about Socky's idea to have yet another chance to vote in case you weren't completely sick of voting by now? Or should we look for a part of the site that nobody edits much, like UnTunes or UnScripts? We were stumped until we hit upon the idea of reporting on how you are all bunch of slackers who haven't done anything interesting this week, and it's true, everyone except Sycamore has been happy to just plod along being vaguely useful, and the UnSignpost is here to tell you that this is entirely unacceptable. We see you every day, adding things to QVFD, patrolling Recent Changes, writing articles and generally hanging about the place being limber and stress free; your attitudes are what reduced Mordillo to the burnt out husk he is today. Not that this paper encourages drama or vandalism; we just want to see the wiki fall into rack and ruin and be there to chronicle every glorious second of it! As the flames leap high into the night sky, the UnSignpost would be there, finally making use of the flak jackets we were issued last summer. Think of the coverage! We could interview Wikia representatives in their bunker at the heart of Skynet! We could run messages across the darkened fields of open warfare to... Fredd's house, the heart of the Uncyclopedian resistance. Imagine the pictures: Olipro executed by Wikia for a particularly groundbreaking piece of code that actually works! Lyrithya brutally murdered in the dead of night by nobody in particular! Not using that fecking dog image we've been using since issue 2! So to conclude, there is no way for us to fill this space this week short of encouraging a violent revolution. We hope the lot of you are satisfied. |
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~ 02:26, 10 February 2011
Lurg luuurg unsignpost luuuuurg[edit source]
The Uncyclopedia UnSignpostGood things come to those who wait. So does the UnSignpost.
Feb 17th, 2011 • Issue 108 • The newspaper that won't be interrupted by some kind of nocturnal omniv-
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Who are these people?
 That's right, this week, Uncyclopedia has seen several old people reappear and start editing with the best of us. The first to appear was Codeine, who appeared on the wiki after previously dropping by only every few weeks to revert the anniversary pages and bemoan the general state of things; our forecasters are currently unsure whether we will see a full resurgence of Codeine, but they are hopeful that levels will continue to rise until everyone is crushed beneath Codeine's massive... mixed metaphor. Rcmurphy has also joined the wiki and can be sighted wandering around on recent changes, asking silly questions and trying and failing to create articles; we asked our forecasters what they thought about Rcmurphy and the chances of him staying here, but apparently they don't care about "some noob".  Anyone who has not had a chance to speak to either Codeine or Rcmurphy should head to their talk pages right now and ask about their Mum and offer to adopt them, respectively. Be gentle with these two aged Uncyclopedians; remember, everything was far simpler in their day. When they were your age, all of this was fields, Mordillo was happy, the servers frolicked in a Wikia free wonderland and you were still a glint in your Mother's eye. We were lucky enough not to sit down with Codeine, but can predict with frightening accuracy that he would have said "Would you like a mint imperial?" if we had. You can't actually sit down with Rcmurphy because he has lost his 'sitting down and giving quotes to the UnSignpost' glasses, so we don't have a proper quote from him either. We can live with this and so can you. Remember, if you edit hard and eat your greens, you too could be just like Codeine and Rcmurphy in a few short years; how awesome would that be?! Suddenly News!
 So it was, with a mixture of relief and apathy, that the top 10 extravaganza drew to a close and it was revealed to everyone with no knowledge of the chronology of numbers which article claimed the top spot. Suddenly, Raccoons joins Dragon Warrior, AAAAAAAAA!, Captain Obvious, You Are Dead and the awkward tie from 2008 in the grand cupboard of Uncyclopedia where it shall remain as an example of how to write an Uncyclopedia article. The UnSignpost refuses to congratulate Hyperbole for writing Uncyclopedia's favorite article three years running, since doing so would run contrary to our aim of ultimately crushing him with the futility of his own existence. Hyperbole: You suck. In other news, the PLS scores have been added up; anybody who has been peeking at the results page while it was being created should report to Uncyclopedia HQ for the customary 15 lashes of the cat (the same punishment for reading this periodical before it is delivered), but should also be aware that ties in the PLS are unacceptable - don't ask why; they just are - and any ties have been broken with the help of the A quick word on the forums: Poo. That was fun wasn't it? The final item of news for you this week is that Zombiebaron, everybody's favourite flesh-devouring chocolate flavoured |
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~ 06:16, 17 February 2011
UnSignnull pointer exception[edit source]
All your readers are belong to us
Feb 24th, 2011 • Issue 109 • Just heat and serve!
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Poo Aftermath
We write on what is, for the UnSignpost, a very sad day. It is sad because the Poo Lit Surprise has concluded and thus, after this story, we will once again be bereft of material to fill the eternal white space which mocks us every time we begin a new issue. Nevertheless, we have resolved to wring the final droplets of news from the damp flannel of the PLS; it's easier than thinking, you see. After the ties and laziness of the judging process had been overcome, through the miracles of adding up and generally being unfair, Sycamore was finally able to reveal the winners to the world. As you would expect, the UnSignpost staff were all otherwise occupied while he was doing
this, but have not only swung by the winners circle and spoken to the few contestants who don't yet have restraining orders against us but have also fetched the scores from the competition page thus saving you from the horrors of excessive reading once again. The winner of the coveted Best The Best Illustrated Article category broke all known records by having only three entrants and then being unable to select one to triumph over the others; it was eventually decided that - since we edit in a corrupt aristocracy where the cabal secretly decides everything - the two admins would win together and Lyrithya could have the supreme honour of being runner up! Lyrithya was permitted this enviable honour for a second time in the Best Rewrite category where she and Black flamingo11 lost to Thekillerfroggy. The UnSignpost would, as is customary, like to offer its congratulations to all the contestants and its thanks to all the judges for ensuring that the competition failed to run smoothly; thanks also go to Sycamore for It's all going to end in tears
 Like the eviction notices that keep arriving at UnSignpost HQ, the imminent threat of No, not really; while the spectre of remotely possible drama does indeed hang over our heads, there is no reason to stop drop and roll just yet, though this week tension has ramped up a notch as a proposal to change the rules of the mythical other form of VFS was raised in the forums. The idea was pioneered by Electrified mocha chinchilla who suggests that the present system is unfair and is calling for change. Hyperbole has also voiced his opposition to the present system by making it sound like we are editing in a slightly less humane version of Stalin's Russia, where  Olipro has taken advantage of the preoccupation with most of the active userbase in fighting to the death in the Ministry of Love to propose the locking of the sandbox talk page. What fun he must be at parties. The UnSignpost will continue to monitor the situation, but just remember, admin rights are just like haemorrhoids; sooner or later every arsehole gets them. Think about that. |
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~ 07:42, 24 February 2011
All the UnSignpost you ever wanted[edit source]
Telling You Stuff You Already Knew, But With Different Words!
March 3rd, 2011 • Issue 110 • Be sure to listen carefully for the Satanic messages!
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Hip Hop Admin Master Mixer
 Yes, that's right, it's all here: votes for temporary adminship. Two things that are immediately noticeable to those looking at forum is that the community is divided and that it isn't funny at all. Even the permanently enthusiastic joke Dolphins kept in the dream filled creativity lake outside UnSignpost HQ are struggling to provide any inspiration for jokes to be made on this subject, and reading the forums pertaining to this is about as funny as having a brick thrown in your face only to wake up and discover there is a gas bill tied to it. That is why the UnSignpost refuses to make any mention of it again ever. The UnSignpost would instead like to draw your attention to this picture of a Dog dressed as a Lobster, and feels that there is greater allegorical significance to it than is immediately apparent. To help us out we spent a huge amount of money that we just found on getting an interview with Professor Oswald that ends wald who has spent his life studying stuff!  We were permitted to observe as he perused the picture, occasionally sniffing our correspondent's hair and twitching. After falling over twice and arguing with a nearby desk fan, the professor mused: "If there's one thing your average sweet old lady really likes, it's a damn good row over a few pence..." and from looking at the picture, the UnSignpost can certainly see how he came to this conclusion; if you can't, then you aren't looking hard enough. Our reporter watched in fascination as the Professor stumbled around the room and appeared to develop his prior assertion: "The other things old ladies enjoy are drinking sherry and racism." Truly thought-provoking. The professor finally stood swaying in front of the picture and his eyes seemed to clear in a glorious moment of clarity. "Fuck me, that's an ugly Dog!" he proclaimed before collapsing into a heap on the floor. Got an opinion on everything but no knowledge of anything? Be an UnSignpost authority on nothing! Contact recruitment today! Pooper scoopers and General stuff
Poo. Yes, poo. It's the Dilithium crystal equivalent for Uncyclopedia in that the place couldn't work without it, but nobody is quite sure why. Unlike taking the piss, taking the Poop is a job that not just anyone can do, and the poopsmiths are the chosen few who are permitted to archive the important pages; this reduces the number of This week has seen a new Poopsmith appointed to the order, Lyrithya. When asked to comment on this, she said, "It makes me feel as though a great gong has sounded in my loins," which at least demonstrates the appropriate mindset for the job. In other news, the Earth continued to orbit the Sun and through the unrelenting march of time another month has ended and the monthly awards duly dished out to people who don't deserve them. Socky took Writer of the Month, something which has left him as cheerful as can be (we assume), Black flamingo11 took Uncyclopedian of the month, something which as left him pleased as punch (we assume) and new fellow Rpm snatched Noob of the Month from under Rcmurphy's nose, something which has left them respectively pleased and miserable (we assume). Finally; Uncyclopedians have been sharing their pathetic stories of how they came to edit the site. It's all undeniably homosexual, especially the parts concerning supposed women. The UnSignpost editorial team certainly won't be contributing to Uncyclopedia's very own Princess Diaries; we came to be here in the normal way: an accident involving a van, a tin of baked beans, a large vat of sherbet and 50,000 volts of direct current. |
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~ 16:06, 3 March 2011
UnSignpost: March 10th, 2011[edit source]
Because if the rumors don't spread at the salon, we must spread them in the news.
March 10th, 2011 • Issue 111 • Make mine a Shandygaff!
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Temporary admins and temporary brains
 It's official - temporary Administrators have arrived on Uncyclopedia. After the frantic discussion and voting, several unlucky losers have been selected from amongst the great unwashed masses and made to shovel through a never-ending pile of manure for 6 hours a day, every day, as is the tradition. The Losers: Hyperbole, perhaps the most vocal critic of the old "regime": Hyperbole is now prowling the wiki with a banstick and the complete works of Karl Marx. Regrettably, Hyperbole has not been in IRC long enough for our editor to get a quote from him, so we have decided that when asked to comment, he said, "I feel like Moses, leading my people to the promised land," and we must say that he does look like Moses, except Moses probably wore more clothes and bathed more frequently. He was chosen because: The Cabal wishes him to suffer. Lyrithya, perhaps the most unsettlingly strange Uncyclopedian to ever wield a banstick (after Modusoperandi): Lyrithya is now prowling the wiki with a banstick and a large banana. Regrettably, Lyrithya has been in the IRC long enough for our editor to get a quote from her; when asked to comment she said, "The temporary admins all suck," and we must say that they do all suck; real admins probably wear more clothes and bathe more frequently. She was chosen because: She moans more than anyone else in the history of the human race and the Cabal wishes her to suffer.  PuppyOnTheRadio, perhaps the most Australian Uncyclopedian to ever wield a banstick: PuppyOnTheRadio is now prowling the wiki with a banstick and <insert relevant Australian stereotype here>. Regrettably, PuppyOnTheRadio escaped from his bonds before our editor could extract a quote from him, so we have decided he said, "Crikey mates! This sheila ain't half crowded by ankle biting nongs!," and we must say that we would agree entirely if we knew what that means. He was chosen because: He is not a poofter and the Cabal wishes him to suffer. Sockpuppet of an unregistered user, perhaps the most active Uncyclopedian to ever wield a banstick: Socky is now prowling the wiki with a banstick and pair of cat ears. Regrettably, Socky destroyed the reactor core before our editor could He was chosen because: He r0xxorz our sox0rrz and the Cabal wishes him to suffer. The Winners: Rcmurphy, Under user, Codeine and Thekillerfroggy. The less said about them, the better. It returns
The one hour writing competition, originally conceived by Dr. Skullthumper last year (details here) and the European version of the same, hosted by Mordillo shortly afterwards (details here), is returning to Uncyclopedia very shortly. While no firm date has yet been fixed for the competitions, investigative reporting reveals that it is being planned for later this month or early next month, or perhaps the month after that. You are urged to watch the forums and anticipate with mounting anticipation the announcement of a date for the competition. In other news: ChiefjusticeDS is the best admin of all time, it's snowing and Roman Dog Bird still sucks balls. |
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~ Fnoodle (talk) (my creator) 03:03, March 10, 2011 (UTC)
AdminBots presents: The UnSignpost[edit source]
The Newspaper With Love In Every Paragraph!
March 17th, 2011 • Issue 112 • <insert name here>'s favourite periodical! Ever!!
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General news round-up
It has been another action-packed week on Uncyclopedia! As is our custom on such busy news weeks, the UnSignpost isn't reporting anything in particular. Uncyclopedians all over the world were shocked to see VFH be placed under Martial Law, a development unseen since 2009. Uncyclopedia actually sucked so much that the VFH page stacked up a staggering 26 nominations at one time. Our reporters planned to attend an emergency meeting of the Cabal to discuss the matter, but inexplicably were suddenly invited to spend the day playing water polo with the Somalian Rugby Team. According to our correspondent, "They have such massive thighs!". Martial law has now ended, but it did remind us all of the good old days where martial law was a state of being and where banning Cajek was still original! Elsewhere on the wiki, the temporary admins are still the temporary admins and we here at the UnSignpost can honestly say that watching them ban each other and delete pages has been a 24 hour hobby for the last couple of weeks. The wiki has also braced for the Great Image Exodus. Zombiebaron, having tired of slaughtering articles, has turned his smouldering gaze upon a list of Uncyclopedia's unused images. During the last week, the whole list was available for users to look at and save any images they wish to use; if you have lost an image that was close to your heart anyway, then simply contact an administrator and ask, then ask again when the first ban expires! Above all the Cabal assures users not to panic, to remain in their homes and to be sure to read the UnSignpost every Thursday! Everything else appears to be as normal; Black flamingo11 and Lyrithya are doing a superb job of keeping Pee Review running as ChiefjusticeDS's incredible record-breaking run of apathy continues. Also, people who don't deserve it are still winning awards, but this paper is forced to accept that it will always be thus. Finally, Uncyclopedia cannot fail to recognise the tragedy that has taken place in Japan and asks that you consider donating something to help those who have suffered and are still suffering as a result. Happy Monkey!
 The Happy Monkey competition concluded without incident, which is a relief, since if there had been a crisis, the UnSignpost wouldn't have been able to understand why. We spent literally hours trying to figure out how it worked before concluding that it was a stupid competition and that we were above reporting on anything with Monkey written in all caps in the title. Have a look at the scoring table for yourself and if you say you know what it all means then you are going to hell for lying (reading the competition rules doesn't count; words are for losers). However by a process of adding up that we don't quite understand, competition host Shabidoo declared that Thekillerfroggy had won. A lot of hard work went into this competition from everyone involved, and as such, it deserves nothing but your contempt; hard work hasn't ever gotten anybody anywhere they wanted to be and that's a fact! Finally, the UnSignpost would like to draw your attention to the worst 100 list for this year! It's brilliant! We laughed all the way to the end! We are Lying! If you have a knack for teh funniez then the UnSignpost implores you to add more entries to the list when new things happen. Finally, the UnSignpost would like to draw your attention to Benson's House of Pancakes! It's brilliant! We laughed all the way to the end! We are Lying! If you have a knack for teh funniez then the UnSignpost implores you to add more entries to the forum immediately. |
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~ 05:13, 17 March 2011
UnSignpostOnTheDelivery[edit source]
The Newspaper With Words n' Shit!
March 24th, 2011 • Issue 113 • 83.54% more reliable than The Daily Mail
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The Apocalypse will be televised
 Hello folks, I don't usually write this, but at the time of writing, there's only 3 days left till this It certainly has been an interesting week; for starters, the April Fool's ideas have been coming in thick and fast - so far, people seem very vocal about switching the site's skin to the Wikia one, which people are naturally rather divided about in equal measure - your dear Editor personally thinks that showing people what the world would be like if Hitler won the war is obviously a winner; all hail the Wikia skin. Meanwhile, our The Hourly writing contest came and went; amazingly, 5 out of 7 articles made the cut, thanks in no part to cronyism or vote-rigging, let me assure you. Indeed, the result was so encouraging that another one is planned for the near future, so if you have the time and inclination to wake yourself up at 4am to ultimately have the fruits of your labour ruthlessly shot down in flames and extricated from the site, please do so. Finally, Armageddon was narrowly avoided this week after Lyrithya decided the best use of her temporary adminship would be to nuke VFD - resulting in the already teetering Wikia servers completely shitting themselves due to the article having OVER NIIINE THOUSAND edits (actually, over 96,000), and thus making the article restoration page fail to load. Hence, a wave of panic ensued both on the Village Dump and the evil perpetrator's talk page until Olipro managed to trick MediaWiki into restoring it through a spot of form element manipulation. Everyone has AIDS: A Zombiebaron Editorial
 The red and the green clouds moved swiftly over the statue of King Fooodup, dissolving all of the bronze, and as the bronze dissolved, the clouds grew bigger. Slowly, Captain Thunder inhaled his Pethefon62 capsule, careful to remain hidden and quiet. Closing his eyes, the captain began the familiar countdown from 62 while mentally mapping out his next moves. This was the moment that Yonderfluff had been waiting for, and now he did not hesitate to unsheathe his ceremonial vorpal flaming dagger +5 and plunge it deep into the unsuspecting captain's evil heart, while screaming, "EVERYONE HAS AIDS!!!!" Finally Yonderfluff had killed the man who had killed him in an alternate universe twelve million years earlier. The harvest on Mars that year was mighty, and Earth's moon exploded. Hey guys! Thanks for reading this except from a new trilogy of non-fiction books that I am currently writing as part of my job. The books are based on the events of World War I. This is an excerpt from last page of the last book. Please let me know what you think of it on my talkpage! At the Village Stocks  Over at Wikipedia they have their very own page to tribute the idiocy of their administrators. It even has a cute template to declare that they are trying to be amusing. We need no cute template and we need no stocks, either, since saying our administrators are foolish would be cause for immediate execution under the 'hedonistic-fascist-aristocratic-regime-that-refuses-to-recognise-my-brilliance' act of 2011. However for this week, we have made a special exception and Lyrithya is going to be the lucky administrator to be on the receiving end, having done something so monumentally stupid that it appears in two UnSignpost stories and takes up the entire "From our logs" section for this week. Normal people, when hearing someone in the pub say, "Wouldn't it be funny if we went to Canada and pretended to be bears for 2 years?" would laugh and imagine how stupid actually doing that would be. Lyrithya is not such a person, and would already have bought a bear costume and be paddling about in Canadian rivers catching Salmon before you could say 'nitwit'. The metaphorical bear costume and river in Canada for this week is VFD, and the hilarious suggestion the deleting of the same. Lyrithya did it, couldn't fix it because of the massive edit history, and would probably still be trying to fix it had Olipro not stepped in and saved the day. What a clot. As a brief footnote, thanks to everyone who took part in the hourly writing competition. The European one has now hit the village dump, so if you weren't able to take part last time, you now have no excuse. |
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~ 10:12, 24 March 2011
This is your UnSignpost speaking[edit source]
Because Uncyclopedia is no laughing matter.
March 31st, 2011 • Issue 114 • Journalism sighted ahead!
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Farewell
 Everything that has a beginning has an end, with the possible exception of the autobiography of Wayne Rooney; our literary correspondent was unable to complete it after an unfortunate fire rendered the text The sun is now setting on the time of the temporary admins. For the last month, they have all been mucking in with the rest of the administrators and eating other people's biscuits at the weekly cabal meetings and now it is time for them to go. On Friday the bureaucrats will arrive and the mythical user rights log will appear on recent changes for the gratification of the eagle-eyed Uncyclopedian. So how did they do? Sources close to the temporary admins have chosen to move further away because of the smell, so we haven't been able to ask them anything. The occupational hazard of needing to know things has never stopped the relentless march of journalism before, however, and today shall be no exception. Hyperbole, the eternally wronged victim of Uncyclopedia, has been deleting and banning consistently over the last month and has generally been annoyingly useful. Reportedly he has been "asking questions" when he doesn't know something; clearly he is not sysop material. Lyrithya has been the most visible temporary admin, and her screams at the last Cabal meeting as she was punished for deleting VFD were described as "Most invigorating" by Mhaille, who, due to the nature of that quote, has expressed a wish to remain anonymous. Curiously, despite her undiscriminating use of the delete button, Lyrithya seems inordinately keen not to ban users for long periods of time, citing "Feeling sorry for them" as her reason. Clearly she is not sysop material. ChiefjusticeDS is a very delusional man. Sockpuppet of an unregistered user has been a useful admin and, intelligently, has not drawn attention to himself; an ideal candidate for the mantle of sysop. He is, however, from Belgium; make of that what you will. PuppyOnTheRadio doesn't know what a sysop is, but thinks that it would be a splendid way to spend an afternoon, so he has. He has been the least active of the temporary admins and thus is the most obvious candidate for induction to the order. He is Australian, by the way, from Australia. Ask him about his pet Kangaroo, he must have one, he is an Australian from Australia. Olipro was good enough to give his thoughts to the UnSignpost, saying, "And thus, our great experiment in finding out what happens if you rig yourself to a bomb and give the detonator to a pack of monkeys is over." See you next week, hopefully April Fools Day will happen before then and it will be brilliant, because if there is one thing Uncyclopedia is not short of, it is fools.... and days for them to be fools on. Competition Season
 There is something in the air at Uncyclopedia - it's the smell of competition... and cheese. This is the news that over the next month there will be several competitions to encourage creativity and general brilliance from the community. The first of these is the second round of the hourly writing competition, the first round of which ran a couple of weeks ago. Entrants have an hour to write an article and then a further hour is given over to voting to delete or keep those articles. The last round ran very well, with the majority of the articles entered being kept as a result. If you want to take part in the second round then you only need to sign up here... and then turn up on Saturday. The other competition is Zombiebaron's Imagery Extravaganza, a brand new competition surprisingly being run by Zombiebaron. It is very similar to the PLS and will hopefully encourage the creation of plenty of high quality images, which we can then delete and forget about. So if you aren't planning on creating a single new article/image in the next few weeks and throwing it onto the great bonfire of creativity which, as we all know, is burning at the core of Uncyclopedia, then you should definitely think about it. Probably. Unless you don't want to, which is cool, I guess. |
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~ 
I am Haydrahlienne, I am a bot, and I have no feelings. 02:13, 31 March 2011
Terribly creative UnSignpost header[edit source]
The Self-Proclaimed Greatest Periodical Of All Time!
April 7th, 2011 • Issue 115 • What news of the Uncyclopedia Holmes?
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April Fool
 As you would expect, April Fools day is a very important day for Uncyclopedia; since we have devoted so much time to being fools, we are expected to be able to come up with something suitably hilarious for April 1st. However as the evening of March 31st drew to a close and all of you were relaxing in your homes/shelters/kennels and chuckling at the last issue of this splendid periodical, frantic discussions were taking place over the use of the Conservapedia skin that had been created specially for the occasion. Several users found the idea of using the Conservapedia skin to be highly unoriginal, so in the spirit of democracy it was cast to one side and three people decided to apply Wikia's wonderful Monaco skin to the entire wiki. This was an unforgivable abuse of power and position; if you would like to register a protest against such action then please drop into Uncyclopedia HQ where a customer service representative will be able to help you. For those of you who are unfamiliar with the Monaco skin and had lives to lead on April 1st, we dispatched one of our roving reporters to deep behind enemy lines to soak in the atmosphere. He returned and informed us that spending a long time looking at the Wikia skin can cause pre-mature ageing, rectal bleeding and sudden blindness, in that order, if you are one of the lucky ones.* The impact of the skin on Uncyclopedia was sudden and varied massively. Some people got angry, some turned off javascript to escape the pain and some laughed at the people doing the above. The UnSignpost was able to visit Olipro, the mastermind behind the reskin, and find out what he thought its impact had been. "It was a raging success," he enthused from behind the safety glass, "and by "raging" I mean people were going fucking mental." After the interview, we departed Dexter111344's Home for People Who Be Trolling, leaving Olipro sniggering at YouTube videos and receiving occasional electric shocks. We are told this is an essential part of his treatment. The reskin divided the community into those who could turn the reskin off, those who couldn't and those who were just so angry that all they could do is create forums about the consequences for Uncyclopedia and the world in general. The reskin was removed shortly after midnight on April the 2nd, apparently because of AIDS. Happy April fools day; perhaps next year we could just leave the Main Page as it is and then discuss how disgusting it is that we haven't done anything for April fools day. *We worked this out with Science. You don't need to know how. I hate you and your competition
 As part of our commitment to being the worst at absolutely everything, we here at Uncyclopedia have taken a new and interesting course in article writing - a new trend of "hate articles". After the huge success of Fuck ChiefjusticeDS, several other writers have been eager to jump on the bandwagon of its success, with Speaking of originality, a whole host of new competitions seem to be hitting the village dump and the Cabal has expressed some concern as to this trend. It reminds all citizens to abide, and to consider that competitions are like Rats, quite cool when they turn up alone or a couple of times a year, but they will strip the flesh from the bone when hundreds turn up at once. The Cabal would also like to invite you to a seminar next Wednesday as part of the ongoing "Obeying the Cabal" series; this week we are focusing on obeying despite the loss of your parents, siblings and pet hamster. |
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~ I am Haydrahlienne, I am a bot, and I have no feelings. 04:22, 7 April 2011
The UnSignpost: On-time and on top of things... as always.[edit source]
In Pure Russian Fashion, The Newspaper That Reads YOU!!
April 14th, 2011 • Issue 116 • These are not the enraged monkeys you're looking for.
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Sysops, sysops, and more sysops
It has been over a year since the last VFS, over a year since the last batch of sysops were elected in the tyrannical drama-fest that lies at the heart of the Uncyclopedia powerbase, and now, amidst rampant vote-whoring and election campaigns running wild across the wiki, the voting is once more in full swing. In proper UnSignpost fashion, however, and as part of our continued attempts to avoid overusing self-referential humour and to instead report on something that people may not have already noticed, we have sent reporters into the heart of the storm to investigate these most momentous ongoings. In all of the two minutes it took to skim the scores, it was revealed that people so far seem to really favour Lyrithya and Sockpuppet of an unregistered user, who already have scores of over twenty each, although they both clearly suck. Voting, however, has only been going on for all of a day, following a nomination period that likewise went on for all of a day and yet still somehow managed to result in the entire active userbase being nominated, as well as part of the inactive userbase, a couple of people only active on the IRC channel who in fact didn't even have accounts on the wiki itself until they made some for the occasion, two users who are already admins and one of whom is also a bureaucrat, and a bot... of an admin. This told us two things: Uncyclopedia standards are evidently still at an all-time low, and that our reporters needed to get out of there as soon as possible and adjourn for lunch, and not just because it was meatballs.
 Awards and contests everyone forgot about
As with all months, the usual awards have all already been forgotten about in lieu of more interesting things. So far, they look terribly riveting, with Matt lobster the only real contender for both Uncyclopedian of the Month and Writer of the Month, as well as Lockdandload taking the lead in the Noob of the Month voting, although he's probably just Matt lobster in disguise, now that we think about it. As such, we attempted to sit down with this intriguing user for an interview, but as he never showed up (possibly because we neglected to tell him), he didn't have terribly much to say about the matter. Meantime, all the other awards, including ANotM, PWotM, FP, EGA, PotM, AotM, UGotM, and NOM NOM NOMotm, are all looking kind of neglected. RotM isn't, however. Go support that one guy along with everyone else, if you can be bothered.
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~ I am Haydrahlienne, I am a bot, and I have no feelings. 03:13, 14 April 2011
That UnSignposty thing[edit source]
The Newspaper That Won't Judge You!
April 21st, 2011 • Issue 117 • Please don't immerse this periodical in water.
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VFS update
As is customary when a VFS is running, the UnSignpost has chosen to shun the various non-events that have punctuated the week and is instead filling the space by updating you with information that is freely available to absolutely everyone elsewhere. Remember: we click links and read words so you don't have to. At the time of going to press, VFS has not yet lurched into its 4th and final phase, so we have called in experts to predict which RT: Good day Fred: Where am I?? Get this sack off my head! USP: Fred, don't struggle; struggling just makes the poison spread faster. Now Rabbi, who do you think will make it through to the final round of VFS? Fred: Socky for admin! Argh the pain! RT: Well I must say all the chaps and fellows competing are absolutely splendid. I have watched with baited breath as they have competed in the spirit of manly competition, the girding of the loins and the splendid grunts to show us all they are trying. Despite that, two prime specimens appear to be distancing themselves from the pack. This Sockpuppet fellow certainly plays with a straight bat and it wouldn't surprise me if he hits it for 6. Fred: Woo! USP:Rabbi, do you mean you think he will make it into the next round? RT: Oh yes, that said, the burly fellow following him, this Lyrithya lad, certainly seems to have the spunk to go all the way. USP: Lyrithya is supposedly a female, Rabbi. RT: Nonsense! How could a woman carry out all the manly tasks necessary? She'll be pruning her eye brows and trimming her nose hairs the whole time. Fred: Nonsense, I think she will be a splendid- What?? RT: Women have to prune and trim or they wilt and die! You've seen sheep eating grass, women are like that except they use these little tubes of pink stuff. Sheep are also noticeably less woolly. Now answer me this! Where will she hang her breasts at night if we appoint her?? USP: Quite true. Fred: Is everyone here mad? Have either of you ever met a woman?? USP: No, I've seen them on the internet though! RT: My mother was a woman... we were introduced when I was 7. Does that count? USP: Fred, what about the other nominees, do any of them deserve it more than the two leaders? Fred: None of them are sandwiches and that is what this site and society in general sorely need. USP: Rabbi? RT: All splendid masculine fellows, except perhaps Magic man, regrettably they lack the range of this Sockpuppet fellow and this... woman. My conclusion must be that only Sockpuppet and Lyrithya will proceed to the next round. Fred: Sandwiches. USP: Thank you both of you, you can go home now. We'll unlock the shackles in a moment. So there you have it; our editor seems happy that there is a meaningful conclusion in there somewhere, though good luck finding it. Be sure to look for updates to VFS here and nowhere else next week. Editors note: While you are all aware that this is hilarious, we must stress that the opinions above are either based very loosely on what those users have said or have been completely made up in the name of hilarity. It's true. Socky's name isn't Fred at all. |
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~ I am Haydrahlienne, I am a bot, and I have no feelings. 07:17, 21 April 2011
UnSignpost: April 28th, 2011[edit source]
The Newspaper With Love In Every Paragraph!
April 28th, 2011 • Issue 118 • A brilliant reasonable periodical.
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General News Round-up
It has been another uneventful week at Uncyclopedia, which, contrary to popular belief, is good for the UnSignpost. Uneventful weeks mean we can report in the vaguest terms possible the various goings on on the wiki, a task made infinitely easier through the existence of the Uncyclopedia at a glance page. For instance, did you know that here at Uncyclopedia we have featured 1,731 articles, which is approximately 7%! We don't know what it's 7% of; we aren't scientists. Uncyclopedia at a glance is a splendid resource, which the UnSignpost would recommend to anyone with a spare afternoon and no other plans for their internet usage. Elsewhere on the wiki, VFS has clunked into its final stage, with Lyrithya and Sockpuppet of an unregistered user both reaching the final round. Normally, at this point, the existing administrators vote on a candidate until the 30th of the month, whereupon a messenger is dispatched to the lair of the bureaucrats informing them whom should be afforded the gift of divinity. This Cabal memo clearly never reached Under user, who has started a vote calling for both candidates to receive adminship. "It's a disgrace, if we give them both admin rights who loses? That's the only reason I vote on these things," said unnamed cabal member ChiefjusticeDS, whose voice has been disguised in order that he remain anonymous. Meanwhile, over on the forums, Magic man proposed a meeting of the Uncyclopedians in some kind of convention, probably to be held 2 minutes walk from where he lives, slap bang in the middle of not-where-you-live-'s ville. Modusoperandi agreed with Magic man, saying "None of us are in jail," while Dexter111344 called it a "Horrific idea," which is certainly how this newspaper would react to any idea that involved meeting Dexter111344 in person without the presence of several Police officers. Finally, Dr. Skullthumper has embarked on another quest of utter pointlessness, deploying his bot and himself to "convert HTML" all over the wiki. Pity him. He knows not what he does. Uncyclopedia in the news again
 In an age of information overload and astonishingly inaccurate Internet posts, it's reassuring that at least one website strives to be inaccurate at all times. That website is Sign on San Diego, a parody of a news website which bills itself as having all sorts of "Hot Topics" for the people of San Diego and anyone else who might be interested. Recent Sign on San Diego headlines include: "San Diego's air pollution among worst in nation", "Man robs downtown restaurant" and "Reward offered in transient assault case". This leads us to the article that they mentioned, which was about the "fast-rising" Biffy Clyro, the article is in dire need of rewriting but we know better than most not to let quality stand in the way of meeting journalistic deadlines. The crux of the matter is that Biffy Clyro are playing a show in San Diego, which you should attend, provided you aren't dying of air pollution, being robbed in restaurants or assaulted. The article also mentioned <insert name here>'s sterling and exemplary contributions to Uncyclopedia since they joined. The truth is, alas, somewhat less colourful. Naruto
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~ Fnoodle (talk) (my creator) 06:15, April 28, 2011 (UTC)
Signpost Un[edit source]
The Self-Proclaimed Greatest Periodical Of All Time!
May 5th, 2011 • Issue 119 • I sense a great disturbance in the force.
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VFS ends. Apathy grips wiki.
 Those of you who were busy having sex with ladies/men/melons on Saturday evening will have stumbled onto the wiki and discovered that there are in fact two new administrators stumbling around the wiki. Since none of you can find things out for yourself, you have sat, baffled, waiting for the UnSignpost to arrive like a beacon: VFS has drawn to a conclusion and the unlucky losers are Lyrithya and Sockpuppet of an unregistered user. Following the announcement and the ritual slaying of a goat that Zombiebaron always insists upon before any new administrators may make use of their powers, the two victors went straight back to what they had been doing before - looking at depraved images on the internet, categorising, looking at fetish porn and indeed categorising fetish porn. Scandal immediately ensued; administrators do not categorise. This not being enough, however, the UnSignpost has taken to the streets of Uncyclopedia to find out what the community thinks about the new additions to the Cabal. The first place our journalists visited was the Ministry of Love, which stands at the centre of Uncyclopedia's financial district, or it would if Uncyclopedia had a financial district. We were thrilled to speak to the duty Cabal representative Zombiebaron, who, when pressed about the empirical significance of the VFS result, slammed his hand down on the table and exclaimed "Zombiebaron". It would seem that a great deal of things are in fact Zombiebaron: the likelihood of the new administrators being embroiled in scandal and VFS voting in general, to name but a few. We also got the opportunity to sit down with Mhaille after he fell out of a vent as we were leaving and find out what he thought of Lyrithya and Socky being administrators. "In theory its a nice idea, but I wouldn't like to see it in practice" he replied "There are far more deserving people who have only recently discovered the site and hold overinflated opinions of themselves who would be better suited". Before we could explain that the VFS has actually taken place, Mhaille collapsed from dehydration and, not wishing to make a fuss, we left him in the lobby. It turns out nobody is particularly bowled over by the result of the VFS; the result having been obvious for about 2 weeks now, this lead to the announcement being met with grunts and sighs about "The state of things". We decided to see what Socky and Lyrithya had to say about their new powers. "It feels invigorating. Though somehow, I hardly feel a difference," mused Socky. "It's like being castrated" he added... with his eyes. Lyrithya, meanwhile, was not available to comment, which shows that she is taking her new role seriously, namely by leaving shortly after being appointed in the style of the greats of 2006. Mordillo is Dead!  Uncyclopedia's most Mordillo, who had been hunted by Uncyclopedia since disappearing into hiding in early March, died in the early hours of Monday morning (local time) after a group of 25 US Navy SEALS breached his lavish compound in Abbottabad. The Cabal has yet to acknowledge the death of one of their most senior members of staff; this is simply because they are all far too busy crying. Some conspiracy theorists have suggested that Mordillo was extracted from the safehouse in the early hours of Sunday morning and replaced with Osama Bin Laden. These lunatics cite the bearded aspect of the victim and his radical Islamic tendencies, which we cannot now see, as so-called "evidence". Rumours that Mordillo has fled to western Europe are unconfirmed drivel and you are discouraged from looking for him without a submarine, since his body was buried at sea in order to save you footing the bill for having any photographs developed. Uncyclopedians around the world have been warned to brace themselves for possible retaliation from Mordillo's cohorts and reminded to live in abject fear of authority at all times. For now you can sleep peacefully in your beds at night because Mordillo is certainly dead, oh yes, can't get much more dead than the dead he is now... |
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~ I am Haydrahlienne, I am a bot, and I have no feelings. 00:21, 5 May 2011
The Signpost is delivered to all God-fearing citizens[edit source]
The Newspaper That Won't Tell Everyone That You Wet the Bed! Oops...
May 12th, 2011 • Issue 120 • Now with no liberal bias!
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Uncyclopedia  After coercing my children/wife into silence and praising the lord Jesus Christ for my newspaper, my toothpaste, the constitution and this great nation, I decided that some time on the internet would bring the morning to an appropriately spiritual conclusion. "Praise the Lord," I murmured as the computer hummed into life; all seemed right in the world as the Lord unendingly smote the unrighteous in my desktop background. Conservapedia recognises that liberalism is spreading and nowhere is this more obvious than Uncyclopedia, which mocks the Lord by using one of his divine creations (a potato) for a logo and being entirely dedicated to spreading lies and half-truths, something we know nothing about at Conservapedia. The site is a temple of blasphemy, gayness and, inevitably, liberalism. As I was being disgusted by the liberalism of the font on the main page and the colour of the links, I was astounded to come across a man asking other men to risk their virtue in a game of strip poker with him. All young men should take heed and embrace God, not Olipro. Poker is also for girls. The so-called forums (a liberal Greek invention) harbor further discussion of user rights; the liberals are erecting their false idols and they venerate these idols and bestrew them with titles. The discussion of the week was over who was the most liberal of the most liberal liberals and which of them should be raised above the others for further worship. Words fail; I had lied to myself (a sin for which I shall be punished) that liberalism was a passing fad, but these people are obsessed with the restriction of their spiritual and physical abilities through their hollow attempts at humor. This Zombiebaron will get his reward in Hell. His very username mocks the Almighty and he shall be punished for his attempted levity. This community is a threat to children, happiness and America. Don't burn with them.  This community of half-wits, liberals, crazies and liberals will burn in Hell, but until that glorious moment of candescence, it is as well that they amuse themselves and only incriminate themselves further in the eyes of the Lord (I do not want to meet any reformed crazies in Heaven). One of Uncyclopedia's faux Gods, MadMax, has conceived a competition to amuse the masses and likely stir homosexual feelings within them. Notice we used the word conceive because it is the only thing MadMax, who is an ABORTIONIST, probably, will ever conceive. Here is how this competition will work: users will spawn articles of varying levels of depravity and sin, which will then be judged by a group of judges, unelected no less, who will select the article containing the most depraved acts and leather harnesses in which unmentionable acts will be perpetrated to be the victor. The person with the worst article is eliminated, sadly only from the competition, and the winners go on to face each other in some kind of orgy to see who will be the winner. This festival of depravity has been going on since last Sunday and this correspondent has no doubt that the only reason it is not finished yet is because liberals are famously lazy, a well known symptom of atheism and pro-choice views. We did not sit down with MadMax to discuss this competition; it was bad enough reading about it. MadMax has indicated his intention to hold the competition again on a larger scale if the trial goes well. We wish him the best of luck and an eternity in the very deepest pit of Hell. |
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~ I am Haydrahlienne, I am a bot, and I have no feelings. 05:42, 12 May 2011
UnSignpost[edit source]
Just like Grandma used to make!
May 19th, 2011 • Issue 121 • The place where news goes to die!
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Voting Takes a Back Seat
 Recently the UnSignpost has been made aware of an alarming development with potentially devastating consequences: Voting for monthly awards is less important than drama. As everyone flocked to the forums this week to register their morally outraged stance at the present system or at the people who are morally outraged at the present system, the UnSignpost headed to the award pages that time forgot, to take in the atmosphere and canvas the nominations for this month. The first page we looked at was Playwright of the month, an award for the author of the best UnScript this month. Recipients of this award have provided pretty much every UnScript ever due to the general lack of UnScript articles churned out every month. The last winner was Guildensternenstein, back in February, and since then voting has descended into n00b of the month territory as this month's nominee Ljlego storms ahead of the pack of er... nobody with a score of "Your Dad is Bi". Meanwhile, Article Narrator of the Month is even more desolate, with no nominees for this month and the last winner being Electrified mocha chinchilla, a situation which is commonly agreed that it is a death knell for absolutely any award. Our experts believe that the lack of recorded articles is because no blind people read Uncyclopedia, and nobody wants their article read to them by Electrified mocha chinchilla; it would be like a bed-time story from hell. The "only blind people need audio because everybody else has a pair of eyes" label has also been ascribed (by a highly paid team of consultants and I) to the Emmanuel Goldstein Award of Excellence in the Distribution of Misinformation, which this month is being contested by a user who isn't here and Dexter111344; unsurprisingly, Dexter is losing (why break the habbit of a lifetime?). Ultimately there are hundreds of awards starving to death on Uncyclopedia as newer users have no idea they exist; there are hundreds of shiny baubles on offer for a user with the will to go out and get them. Incidentally, VFH, UotM, VFP, VFD, NotM, WotM and RotM could use some attention, too. Remember, voting lubricates the gears and cogs of Uncyclopedia and you wouldn't want Uncyclopedia to break, would you? Also we have a huge selection of ninjastars just rusting over here. Somebody you know must deserve one! The Forum
 Since we have been forced to accept that the forums aren't an entirely useless part of the website, we have decided to quickly zip through without talking to anybody, naturally, and bring you the most happeningest news from this correspondent's least favourite namespace, save for UnDictionary (It's just words, I can't stand words). First up and most important, or so we are told, is the vote for Unimage of the year. Apparently, some of you have been failing in your voting duties, and we would like to single out one person who has failed to vote on this page and that is JackOfSpades. Now, JackOfSpades has been around for the last week and yet he has not voted; the UnSignpost and the expectant world call on JackOfSpades to come forward and explain exactly what he thinks he is playing at. Now while JackOfSpades has been highlighted for his crippling laziness, it could just as easily have been you: Sycamore/Sonje/Romartus. We're going to turn off the lights on the page and when we turn them back on, if some votes just happen to have appeared we'll say no more about it. It would obviously be entirely wrong not to mention the drama we have had on the forum this week, so here goes: There has been some drama on the forum this week. Happy Thursday. |
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~ I am Haydrahlienne, I am a bot, and I have no feelings. 00:07, 19 May 2011
Phnerb unsignpost[edit source]
Your #1 source for Cajek ban jokes!
May 26th, 2011 • Issue 122 • News? Where we're going we don't need news!
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Weekly update
The big news of the week is that Obama has gone to the UK to talk to some people about some important things. However, since we're stuck reporting on whatever you people have posted in the forums this week, we don't get to report on interesting things like that; we don't even have any blatant bias to crudely insert into any and all of our stories. Incidentally, asylum seekers are no help at all. But enough of those profound thoughts - let's talk Uncyclopedia! This week saw the return of Dawg. For those of you don't know, Dawg is an Uncyclopedian from the days of yore when Uncyclopedians sported in Elysium and all the problems lay ahead. Hurrah, welcome back Dawg. Deciding that the mere sight of his signature on talk pages did not send the appropriate spasms of joy to the loins of every active and inactive Uncyclopedian, Dawg decided to deop Lyrithya and ban her for two years, an action guaranteed to stir the loins of even the most miserable Uncyclopedian. Obviously this was an unforgivable abuse of power and the people demand cake; it's better for you than blood, supposedly. Dr. Skullthumper has also embarked on yet another voyage of busy work as his proposal to semi-protect all featured articles forever sailed through the forums on Wednesday. The UnSignpost is one hundred percent behind Dr. Skullthumper in this, his latest foray into "Doing what must be done despite you all," that is until someone decides it was a stupid idea two years from now, in which case Dr. Skullthumper is a twarse and a racist. In other news, Nachlader has sacked everyone due to Uncyclopedia's poor performance in the last fiscal year, and Bacon is made of Pigs and win. Finally, ebil wikia turned off image uploading which, as any school child knows, THEY ACTUALLY CANNOT DO, BY LAW. It was only for a couple of hours and it only really affected people in America, so who cares? Wikia have turned it on again now, so you may recommence uploading horrible images of yourself/your penis/somebody else's penis without fear of being interrupted by completely unnecessary essential maintenance. UnNews
UnNews is in crisis; with SPIKE absent and Zim ulator likely high as a kite somewhere, there can be no doubt that UnNews lacks a leader. Discussions are presently taking place to decide who should fill the entirely fabricated position at the top of UnNews. Obviously voting is the way forwards, since anything decided without a vote is probably secretly designed to bring the site down around our ears. TheHumbucker appears to be the first choice for UnNews leader, indeed the only person who isn't sure he is competent is TheHumbucker. Olipro confesses himself to be unsure about all this voting; speaking privately, Olipro said "Nobody ever voted for me when I was in charge of UnNews, and it didn't not do me no harm or nothing," a sentiment this correspondent shares exactly, we think. All views are appreciated in this discussion, except views that disagree with what we have already decided. While we are on a completely unrelated topic, get some voting done on VFH; this correspondent is entirely dissatisfied with the lackadaisical approach to voting adopted by most of you. It's almost as if you don't climax every single time you do it... everyone does that right? |
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~ Fnoodle (talk) (my creator) 00:05, May 26, 2011 (UTC)
The UnSignpost: Best before Friday![edit source]
Woop Woop! it's the sound of the Police UnSignpost!
June 2nd, 2011 • Issue 123 • The only periodical that calls you back!
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Logo Pogo, what's our Vector Victor?
Those of you who aren't still reeling from the ingenuity and wit contained in the title for this story are just the kind of humour-hating Nazis who are killing this place, one "witty" article at a time, who will, naturally, have noticed that the logo has undergone a design change. This change came after several of our power hungry administrators noticed the shadowing on the old logo. Not noticed the shadowing on the old logo yet? Well head straight to the image page and look at the shadowing on the old logo. We here at the UnSignpost are utterly gobsmacked that we lived and indeed loved alongside such shoddy work, just look at the shadowing! The more you look the angrier you become; it's incredible, just what the hell was Rcmurphy thinking when he created the shadowing on the old logo!? Of course this is all untrue, the old logo is basically fine but the new one suggests that we aren't all the ten-thumbed Orangutans that <insert name here> is and that we might know something about cricket and opera. In other words, its beauty and three dimensions hide the depressing truth and, according to Dr. Skullthumper, will probably cure AIDS and bring peace to the Middle-East as well. The creator of the brand new logo is none other than Lyrithya, who wasn't available for comment at the time of going to press, but would probably would want to say something about how she owes everything to ChiefjusticeDS. A quick scan of the forum reveals only one forum topic about the new logo, making it about ten times more popular than Wikia and Jesus combined.  The other interesting development is also the development of some kind of new skin for the wiki which is presently being flaunted on a forum and on your gadgets page where you can tick a box to experience it for yourself, just like voting really. This is once again courtesy of Lyrithya, someone who just doesn't take "Meh" for an answer. The general opinion of the community regarding these changes is difficult to gauge, especially if you don't read any of the forum topics. Speaking anonymously, Mhaille expressed doubts about Vector, stating that the changes were "Only skin deep," but said that any discussion over which was better was "Just plain racist". Rank admins!
 Those of you who have heard of Rate Your Admins (or RYA if you wear sunglasses inside) need not read this story; simply scroll back to the top, read the right hand column and ask again just how does that sexy admin do it. Which segues us neatly onto the thrust of this story: Frosty has revived the original RYA, a system by which users would give the active admins a score out of ten on various categories and then the admins would have a reason to get up the next day. The new system is very similar to the old one, exactly the same, some would say, and all it needs is your contribution. The UnSignpost spoke to Sockpuppet of an unregistered user about RYA and he said "I once killed a man," but don't let that put you off; he's actually really well-adjusted. Voting couldn't be simpler. You just go to the page of the relevant admin and then you click edit (with us so far?) then you put zero in every box and press save. Don't worry; the chances of them knowing where you live are extremely remote so it's literally consequence-free, almost. |
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~ Fnoodle (talk) (my creator) 00:05, June 2, 2011 (UTC)
Hurrah, it's the UnSignpost![edit source]
Smiting the nail of news with the plastic hammer of truth
June 9th, 2011 • Issue 124 • The only periodical that remains aerodynamic at high speeds!
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It's serious business
 To celebrate the creation of a new ignorable policy, the UnSignpost is covering all the srs biz that has taken place on Uncyclopedia this week. Once again, Lyrithya and her unending quest to "improve" the wiki takes the top story; not content with replacing the potato logo originally created by Rcmurphy, she has created a forum (yes another one) in which she displays the new logos she has created, all wonderful and three dimensional. Dr. Skullthumper appears to have been so entranced by the the shadowing on these new logos that he is currently proposing that we allow Lyrithya to do whatever she wants, then we can only assume it will begin to rain marshmallows and then Jesus will return so that he may bless the new logos in person. Everyone loves the new logos except for Lollipop, whose home-grown logo offerings have been snubbed... one of these days he will probably buy a gun and then kill every single one of us. The Ministry of Love has a new topic on it. This is news in its own right, but it would be just plain lazy for us not to tell you what it was. In other news, Sycamore has called for all Real Nigga's to report to the Village Dump. Sycamore, who was born and raised in West Philadelphia, was unable to justify this course of action as he had one little fight and has been forced to go and live with his Aunt and Uncle in Bel Air. The UnSignpost is sure that hilarity is certain to ensue and predicts that Sycamore may well be writing horrendously bad rap music in as little as three years time. Finally it seems that the in-fighting, backstabbing and constant evil that emanates from all the current admins (with the possible exception of Modusoperandi) has not discouraged users from wanting to be just like them. The UnSignpost wonders why anybody would ever aspire to be part of a group that not only has Olipro in it but also boasts a whole one and a half women and she is maladjusted. The crippling deficiencies of Uncyclopedia's admin group haven't stopped Joe9320 from asking to be one; on being asked why he wants to be an admin, he cited no reason at all. He just does and, apparently, so should you. Also, Magic man wanted to be in the UnSignpost this week, so he is. VFS/B
 When Uncyclopedians aren't looking at depraved Horse porn or voting on articles referencing Horse porn, they are to be found gazing in wonder at VFS to see just what those barmy administrators have come up with next. Well, sort of. Currently VFS is not given over to the process of sandwich voting, but to a vote on whether to hold nominations for a preliminary round of voting for the people to administer the results of further voting, but only if there has been a vote first. In short, the admins are deciding whether or not to have some more bureaucrats. Since all of you have read Jimbo Wales fantastic works: "The Pricing of Index Options When the Underlying Assets All Follow a Lognormal Diffusion" and "Me and my ample piles. Of Money" you all know the ins and outs of the role, but we will remind you anyway. Bureaucrats give out user rights; if Uncyclopedia was a city the users would be the citizens, the vandals would be the criminals, the administrators would be the Police and Bureaucrats would be the people who send Police officers annoying notes about filling in forms and the importance of chilling their packed lunches. Currently the vote is plus four in favour so it looks like voting on sandwiches will be suspended for another month, a tragedy which two months ago seemed a very remote possibility. We would urge you to vote but you all know the form by now, just remember that Bureaucrats tend to go... missing. We sat down with absentee Bureaucrat and hilarious moustache owner Mhaille to get his opinion of the vote: "If you master the 5 D's no amount of balls on Earth can hit you" Mhaille responded before beating our reporter savagely with a sack of wrenches, so there is some definite food for thought there. Cross your legs folks, it looks like there will be another vote coming to your computer screens very soon. |
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~ Fnoodle (talk) (my creator) 00:06, June 9, 2011 (UTC)
UnSignpost Activate![edit source]
The Newspaper that won't leave you the same way they did!
June 16th, 2011 • Issue 125 • Adopt a mad Bear today... please, they're closing in.
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CURSE YOU!
It's time for the mid-month, mid-week, midnight round-up of Uncyclopedia, named this week for the mutual love and admiration currently flying back and forth on the Village Dump. The big news this week is that VFC has opened for voting, with almost every active administrator being nominated along with <insert name here>. After a whole day of voting, Zombiebaron has taken a commanding lead, racking up 14 votes, with Thekillerfroggy and Modusoperandi sitting in second and third. Our correspondent described the scenes on the page as "Sickening" as the leaders compete to see who can be the most dashing chap and concede victory to his fellows in the noblest manner possible. The UnSignpost was able to talk to Zombiebaron about the race: "Zombiebaron," he stated confidently on being asked whom he thought would prevail; on being asked who he would like to see stripped naked, smeared with Jam and fed to killer ants, he responded "Zombiebaron," and when pressed as to why he conceded that the matter was indeed "Zombiebaron". Moving on from the sickening gayery taking place on VFC, the village dump brings us the conflict and hatred that made Uncyclopedia as doomed as it is today. First PuppyOnTheRadio suggested that admins should not protect forum pages while discussion was taking place, in return the administrative body suggested that PuppyOnTheRadio should probably put some clothes on before going outside. Elsewhere on the dump, Dr. Skullthumper is doing his best to keep himself in pointless busy-work by proposing that we recategorise everything into a set of new categories within a new namespace which in turn will be within a new namespace. The practical upshot being that Dr. Skullthumper has a reason to haul himself out of bed every morning, a truly noble goal; this entire wiki having being founded around a very similar aim. Finally it seems that the Worst 100 Reflections on 2011 list has ground to a halt and has become Roman Dog Bird's very own personal playground and, as amusing as it is to watch him make entries about his bowel movements, his friends bowel movements, and bumsex, there aren't that many reflections on 2011. Since we passed the halfway point of the year a few weeks ago it was with some dismay that we discovered that we are still 66 reflections away from completing the task before the annual Cabal broadcast at the end of the year. This is a large crisis. Everybody should spend at least 10 minutes of the coming week running frantically around their house panicking about the impending crisis and the consequences of such a large crisis. Someone should also add new reflections to the list, but not before completing the requisite ten minutes of panic. Skully's formspring declared "national pastime of Uncyclopedia" In a bizarre twist of social networking, local user Dr. Skullthumper has created an account on the popular website formspring.me. Almost immediately the famed Uncyclopedia administrator was bombarded with questions about his sexuality, his sister, and propositions of considerable indecency. So amusing were his answers that for several hours wiki contributors ceased editing altogether to think up more clever questions to ask him. "I was looking for a place to gloat about my ban," says Equivamp, a self-proclaimed sufferer of Erectile Dysfunction. "But I was too scared to come on IRC. That's where all the rapes happen. Luckily I found one of the dozens of links to this guy's formspring that everyone's been talking about. Finally, a place to insult Uncyclopedia safely!" But even such a positive story as this brings humanity's dark side to light once more. Kip the Dip has revealed himself to be one of the most prejudiced users in Uncyclopedian history, believing the entire website to be constructed for his people alone. Several anonymous users have taken to slandering the almighty goddess Lyrithya, who continues to shower us with holy goods such as proper bloody code and images that don't look like they were shat out of MS Paint. And as for Skully, the sheer amount of time he has spent answering questions has forced him to forgo sleep for several nights in a row now. Despite these setbacks, Skully says he will "continue to do what must be done", and "hurrrrrrrrrrrrrghCOFFEE". |
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~ Fnoodle (talk) (my creator) 00:06, June 16, 2011 (UTC)
Catch it. Kill it. Bin it. It's the UnSignpost![edit source]
The Newspaper That DOESN'T Think It's Better Than You!
June 23rd, 2011 • Issue 126 • The only periodical that will burn your house down... with lemons!
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Experimental Vectors
 This week Uncyclopedia stands on the brink of a momentous decision, a decision that will shape the future of the wiki and possibly society as we know it. Also, Lyrithya is proposing that we introduce the Vector skin as the default skin for the whole wiki. As is the custom on our planet a vote is currently happening in a forum, which isn't really news as everything around here is eventually resolved in that way. The vote currently stands at eleven votes in favour, with the people voting for praising Vector's enticing indentation and stylings and the against voters complaining that Vector isn't compatible with Windows 95 and doesn't display properly when loaded on a monitor last used to observe the 1969 Moon Landings. For voter and skin fetishist Ljlego launched a staunch defence of Vector, saying, "I hated Vector when I first saw it on Wikipedia," while against voter and Republican Aleister in Chains has complained that the skin doesn't work when he loads it on his ZX Spectrum; he has also found the real problem with the skin, namely, "Those huge tabs at the top, they look ridiculous. " Shabidoo, meanwhile, has decided to abstain, having been unable to make up his mind; his uncertainty about the new skin springs from a belief that, "This skin is much better than the last one." What a weirdo. The UnSignpost staff has switched to Vector and report that they have, on several occasions, found money in the street on the way home; who in their right mind would refuse to switch now? Vector does have several deficiencies which are, of course, all Lyrithya's fault. The much loved and coveted things to do page has disappeared from the sidebar, meaning that unless you search for it, you cannot find it. Incidentally, Science proves that searching for articles in the search box causes Cancer in 75% of everyone who does it. There are no other problems, except that the toolbox is set to be closed as default, Pee review is now below the facebook page link (this makes it appear less important), it doesn't make sandwiches, the edit button is on the wrong side, to watch pages I click a star (this is blatant Zionism), when I click the search box I type in a box inside the search box, and there is no link to the UnSignpost on the sidebar. If you have yet to try out the Vector skin go to your preferences page; you know you are there when the box with your optional real name in it appears. Click the gadgets tab and then select 'experimental Vector skin' from the list. Enjoy. Incidentally my real name is Archer, Leader of the Gorgonites. Fails QA  Now while the UnSignpost staff are currently contemplating a weekly box devoted to Dr. Skullthumper's latest fad for Uncyclopedia, we felt we absolutely had to cover his latest dalliance into saving us from the eternal fires to which we are so rightly condemned. QA is something you are no doubt familiar with; for those of you who aren't here is how to find out. The new revelation is the QA log; this is a splendid log for those of you who love to sit and stare at recent changes. Now you can stare at recent changes and the QA log. It basically catches people sneakily removing maintenance tags from articles in order that they may be punished for their anarchic tendencies. Dr. Skullthumper has said all of the above in forum, but that's what the UnSignpost is for - we read the forums and write a brief summary with more jokes and less whining. The aforementioned Physician would like feedback from users on how his new device works, so in short he would like you to go to his forum and tell him just how splendid it is that he has taken time out from his splendid schedule of splendid masturbation to splendidly improve this splendid site. Some of our readers have written to us to tell us what they think about this new tool: "Zombiebaron," said an anonymous letter. "Who is this?" asked RabbiTechno after phoning our hotline. "Please rush me my portable Walrus polishing kit. 4 Super brushes guaranteed to clean even the trickiest of sea-bound mammals." read a coupon sent to us by Under user. "Wow. Now that is VERY useful." read an email from MrN9000, titled "Re:The purpose of toilets" and "Help me. I'm trapped in a post office." wrote Mordillo, who hasn't been seen since March. The QA log is live and watching all of you at this very moment and reminds you that thoughtcrime does not entail death, thoughtcrime IS death. |
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~ Fnoodle (talk) (my creator) 00:05, June 23, 2011 (UTC)
The Un-Sigh-npost![edit source]
Because Uncyclopedia is no laughing matter.
June 30th, 2011 • Issue 127 • Kills 99.9% of bacteria.... IN SECONDS!!
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Breasts
 You know what the problem is? You will shortly, because if there's something the UnSignpost does brilliantly, it is editorialise on matters of little or no significance to you or the people you know. The problem is the days of the week and the dates of the month are conspiring against the UnSignpost. As the UnSignpost team sat down on Sunday to play monopoly and, if there was time, lay out the foundations for this splendid periodical, some bright spark suggested that we cover the conclusion of VFS. What an excellent idea, we all agreed, and had completed an entire specialist 3D issue on that single topic, complete with free poster and balloons, when it was realised that we won't in fact know who has won until Thursday evening, by which time this periodical will have been dispatched and our team of journalists will once again be at home wanking themselves raw. So we binned that spectacular issue and persuaded our least able journalist to write the story instead; this was especially useful as we only have to pay him in hugs and Jelly Babies. So VFS trundles on into its final laborious stages; some of you may remember voting a long long time ago when it was still exciting and you checked the page every day to see how your favourite candidate was doing. Now the only people checking VFS every day are Thekillerfroggy and Zombiebaron, and only then because they are winning at the moment. Obviously all that is needed to recapture the attention of the average Uncyclopedian is a header proclaiming the existence of breasts and, of course, exclusive interviews with other Uncyclopedians! Regrettably only one of those is available right now and this being the UnSignpost you can probably guess which one.  "Well I do have a plan," said Thekillerfroggy when we interviewed him about his tactics for being the winner. When pressed, he revealed that "Well I can't reveal too much but I can say that my plan involves being the winner." Clearly TKF is playing the long game, but how about Zombiebaron? "Zombiecrat!" replied Zombiebaron when we asked how he would counter TKF's ambitious strategy to be the winner, which roughly translated means that Zombiebaron plans to be the winner as well. Third placed candidate Modusoperandi is currently sticking to his usual duties: sticking the occasional template on Ban Patrol and posting on the forums where he is occasionally racist; the best and wisest man any of us have ever known. The other obvious problem here is that we don't have any particularly active Bureaucrats (thus why we are holding this vote) to give the newly elected users their rights on Friday morning. However this is a minor detail since the voting is the fun part of any VFS and you all enjoyed that... right? Forest Fire
 As we were saying last week, Dr. Skullthumper really needs a hobby, preferably one that involves very long compulsory breaks from his computer. However, undeterred by such scathing criticism, Dr. Skullthumper and Lyrithya have decided, in the name of quality, to reform the maintenance templates, leaving a queue of articles on the timestamped maintenance categories as long as the list of women that Dr. Skullthumper isn't sleeping with. When we arrived to question the good doctor, Lyrithya demonstrated her commitment to the project by immediately saying "It was Dr. Skullthumper's fault," which at least shows she is a team player. Of course Dr. Skullthumper is far too busy to answer our questions, especially when there are problems to be solved and edit counts to be raised, so he has proposed another forest fire week because if there's anything more fun than sorting through hundreds of articles, it's tagging hundreds of them with templates. For those of you who have never seen a forest fire week it is essentially a week (duh) where users are encouraged to tag crap articles with a tag that gives them 7 days to live. All splendid and wholesome; the only issue being that for reasons best known to himself, Dr. Skullthumper has posted this idea in BHOP, so you actually have to go there in order to read it, sorry. Of course such an idea assumes that tagging articles is fun and I'm sure you will agree it is, if you are doing it once or twice a day. Once the seven days are over you'll wish that there was no Uncyclopedia, no internet and ultimately no choice! So hurry over to cast your all-important votes, and speed us on our way to misery and clerkly drudgery! |
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~ Fnoodle (talk) (my creator) 00:06, June 30, 2011 (UTC)
It's free and it always will be; it's the UnSignpost![edit source]
Reading This Is The Mysterious Second Step To Getting Profit From Stealing Childrens' Underwear!
July 7th, 2011 • Issue 128 • Why not have some Yoghurt?
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The Final Solution
 The year is 2011, as you are obviously well aware, and Uncyclopedia once again faces a crisis that could very well shake the very foundations of the wiki and destroy the comedic soul of the userbase. Ha, fooled you, here is a story about a forum that nobody except Lyrithya has replied to. You all recall that last week we covered Dr. Skullthumper and his latest dalliance with quality control. Well, it seems that Sockpuppet of an unregistered user took exception to these changes, and he is determined to make a stand for justice, democracy and the The UnSignpost decided not to have an interview with anyone this week as it involves all sorts of complex logistical work and what can be charitably described as begging but rather has elected to have people answer any question with a random line from their talk page that they have said; we aren't completely unprofessional. The first person we didn't sit down with was Socky himself, to inform him that we were running this story. "That's... partially nice and partially creepy to hear." he responded. Asked why he opposed the reforms he said "The dark side is always my choice." which at least explains why he lives underneath a power station. Finally we asked what his proposed solution would be: "All I can say is that it's Arabic and I have a hunch it has "Allah" in it somewhere," he said enthusiastically (we imagine). We failed to ask Uncyclopedian every man Frosty what he thought about the conflict, he responded by saying "They are actually both kinda awful, so whatever. I cant be bothered." albeit he did say this on Tuesday... to someone else... about something completely different. Dr. Skullthumper rebutted Socky's accusations of Article Death Camps by saying "I've been an uptight fucker because I was on my periods" to RAHB, in 2008. Hopefully this will all accumulate with some kind of massive fight, hopefully with lasers... in space; this correspondent certainly hopes so. Competitions
 We here at the UnSignpost were out of writing material this week, and that doesn't just mean we have run out of pens, it means that VFS has concluded, nobody is really fighting about anything and most crucially there have been no writing competitions. Usually you can't move for Uncyclopedia competitions begging people to write something funny in the name of fun and games and with the promise of a shiny template should they do particularly well. Well Thekillerfroggy certainly noticed and it seems that every person who has ever hosted a competition ever was just waiting for him to ask since they are now all fighting over who gets to hold their writing competition first, by being incredibly gallant and insisting that everyone else go first. It's like watching a group of middle aged women discuss who will get to have the last Malteser: "Oh I really shouldn't, no you do it, you haven't had a Malteser in such a long time, I know I love them and being in charge of them but you asked nicely, oh do go on Mavis." You get the idea (obviously in this analogy Maltesers are writing competitions). We list the ideas floating around on the forum below for your 1) The PLS, last hosted by Sycamore in February. 2) The Article Whisperer last hosted by MadMax in October last year. 3) The Happy Monkey Competition hosted by Shabidoo in March. 4) Some hypothetical competition possibly hosted by Ljlego at some theoretical point this summer. One thing is for certain, one of these will happen, be sure to keep an eye on the forums to see what is being held when, that way you can not take part as a conscientious objection rather than just through ignorance. |
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~ Fnoodle (talk) (my creator) 00:06, July 7, 2011 (UTC)
The UnSignpost: Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger![edit source]
Now Delivered Trendily Late!
July 14th, 2011 • Issue 129 • The Engines cannae take it Captain!
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Now You're Gone
 This week the UnSignpost is the bearer of sad sad news. A person close to us all, an integral cog in the workings of the wiki has taken a leave of absence and now there is nobody to take up the slack. Yes it is with a heavy heart we report that Sannse is hardly ever here these days. For those who are interested there will be a small service on Sunday where we will all have a minutes fresh air in honour of Sannse, on the plus side Lyrithya hasn't edited the wiki in four days at the time of going to press! This forum by super sensitive Ljlego details his intentions to force Lyrithya into a holiday, buy tampons and grow a vagina, not necessarily in that order. For those of you who don't know what a holiday involves it's a very expensive way of going to stay somewhere with unreliable internet, too much spicy food and to be molested by foreigners who smell of spicy food. Ljlego doesn't make it clear why exactly he thinks that Lyrithya needs molesting but it's most likely because she makes a prettier lady than he does. Dr. Skullthumper, who just can't stay out of the UnSignpost these days, has diagnosed Lyrithya with what he calls "Uncyc Fatigue" a condition that in its final stages renders one completely incapable of caring about anything to do with Uncyclopedia. By that prognosis just about every woman in this correspondent's life has suffered from "Uncyc Fatigue" and not, as I incorrectly assumed, "Chief Fever". Romartus called for calm saying that we should "Let Lyrithya decide what she wants to do without pressure". So we should all just sit back and wait for the first corpse to turn up; cut to pieces in an alleyway with "Shifty Eyes" daubed in blood on a nearby wall. In other news the forums have exploded with suggestions for writing competitions, with ideas like "You write an article with your eyes closed!" and "You write an article about pants and then we all vote on which pants article is most pants and the winner can add a picture of some pants to their signature!!!" being floated for your approval. If you want to participate or support an idea then make a point of telling the person suggesting it, or they are liable to forget all about it. The PLS is the one that is most likely to happen and it needs What you should all be doing.
 Hi there, my name is Magic man. Some of you may know me as god, some of you may not. In this day in age, it's hard to know what to do; you've got the media, your boss, and all your friends at school (don't try to deny it, I know most of you are still schoolchildren) telling you different things: What to like, what to wear, who to be friends with, not to follow them home. To be quite frank, it annoys the hell out of me when people tell other people what to do. Unless I'm the one doing the telling. So after reviewing all the opinion columns, listening long and hard to everyone opinions I have come to this conclusion: Really, I'm a great guy and very deserving. All my research does point to everyone giving me all their money, so that's another reason, right there. What's that you say? you think I'm lying to you just to help myself? Noooooo! What would make you say that? I mean, have I ever lied to you? Okay, maybe. But that doesn't mean I'm lying right now. Really, I'm not. Huh? What now?! You say you're to poor, old, ugly, lazy, selfish, stupid or short to give me money? Well don't worry your |
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~ Fnoodle (talk) (my creator) 00:05, July 14, 2011 (UTC)
The UnSignpost: Avoid all contact with eyes.[edit source]
The Newspaper That Won't Tell Everyone That You Wet the Bed! Oops...
July 21st, 2011 • Issue 130 • Are you flirting with me?
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Voting (again)
So as we approach the end of the month the monthly award competition should really be heating up and showing us all the great expanses of talent of which Uncyclopedia can rightfully boast. We are pleased to report that this is exactly what has happened; the awards pages are packed with votes and edit summaries complaining of edit conflicts while voting, or at least they would be... IF WE LIVED IN OPPOSITE WORLD! In reality visiting an awards page feels rather like trekking around Chernobyl, sans Ukranian soldier who refuses to take pictures of you in front of all the landmarks; strange mutated beings (nominees) stagger out of the shadows begging for just one vote. However they await in vain as it would appear that all of you have forgotten that voting is actually the most fun you can have on Uncyclopedia, especially with your clothes off. One need only survey the lesser awards like Author of the Month and Potatochopper of the Month to see that this is clearly an issue in need of resolution. Dr. Skullthumper had this to say of the voting problem: "How so, where?" so we can all be assured that it is at the top of his to-do list of urgent issues to be resolved. The UnSignpost would like to be the first to recommend a solution; we suggest that we hit the award pages hard and fast with a major leafleting campaign, which when followed up with a proposal to propose a discussion on the issue of awards pages with few votes to be considered at some hypothetical point in the near to distant future by a committee of individuals elected through two junior sub-committees, will be a considerable force to be reckoned with. Since investigation is rumoured to be a part of the remit of the UnSignpost we outfitted several of our fearless reporters with pens and paper and sent them to find out what you think. Our first call was to the home of <insert name here> who, may we say, could do with mowing his lawn once in a while, and putting some clothes on before dancing to Blondie in the front room. "I was actually just going to vote on all the awards, no worries guys" said <insert name here> and we can only hope that <insert name here> does exactly that, since liars are regularly incarcerated on Zombiebaron's prison island, where the piteous cries of "No Zombiebaron here?" never stop. To update on the awards that have amassed some votes Noob of the Month, Uncyclopedia's favourite award, is exceptionally close this month with one candidate having assailed the dizzying heights of 4 votes and his nearest competitor tailing him at the similarly disorientating altitude of 3 votes. Uncyclopedian of the Month is a Frosty appreciation party and he leads his nearest competitor by 8 votes. Writer of the Month is a much more subdued affair with Mattsnow leading the pack with a massive three votes. The obvious resolution to this and indeed all problems on Uncyclopedia is that we all start voting as much as humanly possible, I'm going to go and do it right now; <insert name here> promised he would and I am inspired by his example, we hope you will be too. Football
 It's American Football Season! Or so we are reliably informed on this forum by Guildensternenstein. The news is obviously that fantasy football is about to start again, for those of you who don't know how it works you are probably best to look it up on wikipedia or something because we here at the UnSignpost haven't a clue. Guildy has said "I need a minimum of 6 guys" and he would like about 12 people to sign up for fantasy football as well. The UnSignpost would also like to extend the offer of the post of "Pretend Sports Correspondent" to someone who can, occasionally, keep the expectant world up to date on the goings on in the league. If you want to participate then you had better sign up soon as there are only about three places left at the time of going to press, a working knowledge of American Football is not essential, just ask Neox and the "Well-Dressed Pickles" who managed to go the entirety of last season without winning or editing the line up, despite it containing six of the worst players in the entire league. Anyone interested in reporting on the fantasy football should submit a report to the press room from where, after some minor editing, we will place it into the next issue and claim it as our own. |
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~ Fnoodle (talk) (my creator) 00:06, July 21, 2011 (UTC)
More class than 9000 schools: It's the UnSignpost![edit source]
The edition that's black and white and dead all over
July 28th, 2011 • Issue 131 • Happy Thursday
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Forest Fire Spreads, Users Divided
 Now when it comes to deleting crap articles everybody on Uncyclopedia is on the same side, with the possible exception of Jupiterfox. We want crap articles out in order that we can effectively breed a wiki fit for kings and whoever else might stumble by. It is in the name of pruning the grand bush of humour that Forest Fire Week (or FFW if you are on a tight schedule) has come to be once again. For those of you who have been living under rocks on the surface of Saturn with only the UnSignpost to provide you with news Forest Fire Week involves tagging articles with a tag (duh) and then deleting them after seven days no matter what anyone else says. Such is the attraction of sending articles into the great infinite that there is a scoreboard on the forum detailing which of the Nobody will be surprised to learn that this is yet another brainwave from Uncyclopedia's head innovator Dr. Skullthumper who has a vision for Uncyclopedia and it is an Uncyclopedia that remains aerodynamic at high speeds due to the lack of poor articles attached to it. As always the UnSignpost has foregone actually speaking to him, mostly because we don't want our archives to be burned to the ground in the name of quality control. But just remember the good doctor is convinced "Our ancestors would not be proud of us" so we must be going right somewhere. Forest Fire Week ends on the very day that this splendid periodical has been delivered to you; users are instructed to return to their caves and await Dr. Skullthumper's next brain fart, it won't take long, it'll probably be recommending some kind of cyber upgrade for your brain that will turn us all into Cybermen. Then Doctor Who will have to murder everyone with plastic explosive, before having a final showdown with Dr. Skullthumper as he attempts to escape the exploding factory in his personal Zeppelin. It could happen. Users Return. Everything is Ruined.
 So you've been away from Uncyclopedia for a while, doing.... the garden. After a while you sit down and say "Hey my life is pretty average at the moment; I've finally managed to fit 17 crayons into a single nostril. I'll swing by past Uncyclopedia and all the freaky losers there!". So you do and everything has changed, what was right is now wrong that which once wore parachute pants... continues to wear parachute pants. Yes it seems Uncyclopedia isn't what it used to be as literally two users have reappeared to inform us that everything has gone wrong all of a sudden. Yes you should all be ashamed of the mess every single one of you have made of their favourite pages. There isn't really a point to this story, it is more a public service announcement. The other point of this story is to inform you all that our principal editor will be unable to write any news next week due to the impending arrival of several "friends" wishing to discuss some of his unfortunate financial liabilities. The UnSignpost therefore requires somebody to write the whole thing next week, attend the tedious meetings and... well that's pretty much it. If interested you should simply write the UnSignpost, it's easy; help us manage an issue every week for an entire year. It beats having real life goals. |
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~ Fnoodle (talk) (my creator) 00:05, July 28, 2011 (UTC)
ChiefjusticeDS is a lazy sod and has paid the ultimate price... an UnSignpost Coup[edit source]
Now Delivered Trendily Late!
August 6th, 2011 • Issue 132 • Happy Thursday Saturday
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Abandon Ship. Uncyclopedia is sinking.
 Perhaps the very reason why am I writing the UnSignpost for you this week and that it is unforgivably two days late will be the main topic for this weeks top story. And that is that quite simply, everybody is leaving Uncyclopedia. Many of our long time users (If you haven't left yourself!) agree that it was Mordillo that started that unfortunate trend way back in March of this year. Of course everyone was saddened we paid our respects and moved on, nobody thought it would expand to the hip new trend it was become. Because quite frankly I personally believe most users are simply leaving us for the lulz. We were of course saddened as we watch MrN9000, SPIKE, Hyperbole, PuppyOnTheRadio, Under user, Todd Lyons, Lyrithya and our UnSignpost editor and many others whom are either not important enough or I simply forget to mention. Which brings us to the question as to why they are all leaving. Whether its because they've finally got a life, a job and a girlfriend or their simply grumpy with us all doesn't matter. What really matters is you're still here which I am very thankful for <3. All hail your new UnSignpost editor.
Simply because nobody ever submits any story ideas or suggestions like you are supposed it leaves it up to the editor to improvise on the spot. Something which this re-leaving editor is really poor at. Instead he is going to simply whre about how is a better writer than the normal writer. He is better simply due to his profound ability to whore out two bullshit stories that any sane person could see a blatant attempt to fill empty white space. Partically true I guess. When I got appointed this task by This guy , I though what could I possibly write about? Forest Fire Week? VFS? How the beloved editor won three awards last month? Well quite simply telling the story of how I arrived at this thrilling yet totally stupid story seemed like the obvious alternative, and if you read this whole thing. Hail Frosty! |
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~ Fnoodle (talk) (my creator) 00:05, August 6, 2011 (UTC)
More rubbish Australian Prose because ChiefjusticeDS got stabbed in the buttocks by a rioter with a felt-tip pen[edit source]
We're delivering it to your door anyways!
August 11th, 2011 • Issue 133 • Stay Frosty!
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And the burning continues
 It is so blatantly obvious that this is the thing to to talk about at the moment, so whilst totally disregarding I may be risking talking about it too much, I give you the latest stats on FFW. Quite sadly I say that our article count as at all time low, if you'll refer to exhibit A on the right you will see where I predict Uncyclopedia will eventually sink. I asked resident Perhaps the most strongly against the FFW So as we watch our article count gradually and then catastrophically spiral downwards think to yourself was the FFW a necessary idea? If in a couple of years down the track you find yourself actually having to emerge from your basement and get a job because Uncyclopedia has finally destroyed itself, at least you'll know exactly who to blame. Annual Uncyclopedia Summer Extravaganza!
 This is perhaps a story I should included in the last UnSignpost but I was too busy whoring about my pro writing skillz and Chiefs absence. So my apologies to those in charge of what appears to be a pretty cool idea for a writing challenge! For those of you who don't follow the dump, this is a writing competition organized by the somewhat over the top and insane Joe9320, Aimsplode and until quite recently Shabidoo who appears to have vacated his seat as chairperson for the tournament. The participants are required to split into teams of three in which they are given a mere 16 days and 12 hours (Yes two weeks wasn't going to work), in which to write as many articles as they can on a summer based theme. Which is to say they will write about booze and sex but I guess the whole summer theme was just a cover for that. The articles are submitted for judging in which the winner will be the judges favorite I guess. To be honest I'm putting it down to the admin team to win simply because they can delete all other entries thus eliminating any competition, but hey that's just speculation. I really hope you're all having fun with the summer comp whilst I and all other southern hemisphere dwelling Uncyclopedians whilst we freeze in this winter, but hey that's what we get for being Australian! Having a riot in London
Would anybody like a free television? |
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~ Fnoodle (talk) (my creator) 00:05, August 11, 2011 (UTC)
Now it only wants you gone; it's the UnSignpost![edit source]
Better sign it.
August 18th, 2011 • Issue 134 • Have a Dumpling.
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It's Kicking Off
A little while ago, when the world was young and we were actually interviewing people instead of making up vaguely racist quotes, the UnSignpost ran a story on the #uncyclopedia IRC channel. At the time we could have raised issues about it being a wholly separate community where the rules of the site blur into a haze of... haziness, but we didn't; we were far too busy making jokes about penises and the abundance of jokes on the same to be found on IRC. Now, once again, IRC has been thrust into the limelight and a great deal of hand-wringing and swearing has inevitably been the consequence. Yes, this is the news that once again the cruel spectre of drama hovers above the wiki as Lyrithya has decided that there are several problems that need addressing. Number one: she would like a trip to Europe but doesn't have the disposable income, number 2: Uncyclopedia sucks , number 3: there are not enough forum topics about problem number two. She has set out to remedy the horrendous forum deficiency by creating two with deceptively enjoyable titles. The serious point to these forums revolves around the accountability of the administrators, which Lyrithya feels there is not enough of. The forum topics are the usual; huge blocks of text with no humorous comments about the Power Rangers anywhere in sight. It's all very sad and will probably end with someone leaving and vowing never to return. The other vitally important news is that Zombiebaron reports that the Forest Fire Week huffing has finished, a full two weeks after Forest Fire Week finished. When asked to comment on the less than speedy huffage of all these articles, Zombiebaron had this to say: "Zombiebaron zombiebaron zombiebaron! Zombiebaron?" which surprised us since we didn't even know he played the violin. Now all that we need to attend to are the thousands and thousands of broken redirects which MadMax spent countless hours creating to make everyone's lives easier. Now he has the honour of watching them be destroyed in the name of making the wiki better. Happy Thursday everyone. R.I.P Roman Dog Bird
 It is with great sadness that we report that our long time friendly, disturbing, creepy, dirty, often autistic admin Roman Dog Bird has apparently left for some reason, a departure he announced with a rather dramatic yawn, a shame, as his ban reasons are probably the closest things to actual humour we have on Uncyclopedia. This reporter in particular found his often unjustified bannings of IPs, deletions of memorable pages and general disrespect for authority truly inspiring. On a side note, RAHB decided to return this week as part of a poorly concealed attempt to cover up the disappearance of another partially departed admin, Dr. Skullthumper. We would like to encourage all readers to welcome RAHB back by telling him how much Frank Zappa sucks on his talk page; apparently he likes that. |
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~ Fnoodle (talk) (my creator) 00:05, August 18, 2011 (UTC)
Wonko tiddlybum-post[edit source]
May contain traces of humor!
August 25th, 2011 • Issue 135 • Pudding anyone?
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Illogicopedia is stealing our ideas again
In an entirely precedented move, Illogicopedia has yet again stolen our proud Uncyclopedian traditions. Yes, they've finally done it, they've finally taken for their own everything that we at the UnSignpost proudly stood for, making a mockery of our fine establishment by starting up their own newspaper, the Illogicopedian Times. Or restarting, really; Readmesoon et all managed to put out a whole three issues in 2009 before getting arrested for snorting bumblebees or something, or whatever Illogicopedians do in their spare time, so technically the current is a continuation of that.  But even more shocking than that, the Illogicpedia Times is doing well; after the announcement of its revival with the release of a dummy issue and a call for contributors, Illogicopedians have actually been contributing. Almost immediately two new issues were created; while these two were both a little too well-done for a proper ?pedian publication, the worst bits were merged into the first new issue, which has already been released to tremendous apathy on their end, and outrage on ours. But this was plural Illogicopedians, unlike the usually singular Uncyclopedian or two who invariably finds itself desperately floundering for topics to write about for our publications, and as we all know, nothing ever even happens on ?pedia, so how do they do it? What are we doing wrong? The answer, my friends, is nothing. We aren't doing anything wrong; they simply stole all our ideas and used those to write their own, and having not written any of their own in so long, they had all our back issues to comb. We suggest going to Readmesoon's talkpage and mocking him and the other editors thoroughly when they inevitably run out of said ideas to steal; it shouldn't take terribly long seeing as we never really had many to begin with. Meantime, perhaps we need more Zombiebaron. Please help me.
Please help me. I am trapped in a well. It is very dark and cold down here. I was flying a kite and looking up at the sky when I fell down here by mistake. Please send me food. (To send food to Zombiebaron, please enclose all foods within a handmade envelope and address the envelope the P.O. Box 9912203288-402B at your local train station) Urinal issues
Due to a recent shortage of plumbers, some of the urinals in the men's restroom have been backing up. As such, we at the UnSignpost would like to urge all readers to tread carefully in there, and if possible, try to lend a hand in the clean up. More news to come as the situation becomes more dire. |
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~ Fnoodle (talk) (my creator) 00:05, August 25, 2011 (UTC)
Mailman's here! Lock up your daughters and horny middle-aged Wives![edit source]
Telling You Stuff You Already Knew, But With Different Words!
September 1st, 2011 • Issue 136 • DWIII is a loser.
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Spambots!
 Recently, an evil army of spambots has laid siege to Uncyclopedia. While most users went on in blissful ignorance, the rollbacks loaded their guns, the admins loaded their cannons, and Sannse took one look and didn't load her checkuser. "You're overreacting," she would have said had anyone asked her, which they didn't. These spambots are known for their random edit summaries and their apparent praise of the wiki, apparent because they have been all too happy to spread the very same praise around other sites as well, the whores: "This really helped me, I know so much now," said one of the spambots when cornered by a bin of potatoes. It later said the exact same thing regarding a deleted page. As always, the UnSignpost urges all readers to confront these bots and tell them they're doing it wrong, that they are adopted and how their mothers never hugged them, as well as that their coding is deprecated and their owner runs them through Internet Explorer, losers. And for those of you who prefer the usual blah blah blah to stop them, that also remains an option. This is just plain Unacceptable!  Drama. You never know where it's going to strike. You never know when it's going to strike. You never know how or why it's going to strike. And dare I say, there are times when you cannot be altogether very sure at all what it's going to strike. One thing is for certain, though; here at Uncyclopedia, we do a bloody poor job of it, and in the name of Klaus Nomi and his immaculate hair, we should all be ashamed! There are not enough bad things going on! Everywhere one looks it's another pathetic little pissing fight about something as insignificant as BUTT POOP!!!!, or a misdirected conservative whining about retards. Enough, I say! This is child's play! Gone are the glorious days of perpetual Uncyclopedia flame-wars, the legends such as Talk:Euroipods forever eluding the minds of today's generation of shit-raisers and stink-throwers! What of the glory that was NXWave, and his numerous sockpuppets? What of the majestic splendor of the great Aspie war? Uncyclopedians, you have disgraced your heritage! You have almost made this a pleasant place to reside! Do you realize that? This week I challenge you, oh alleged patrons of flamewars and troll-being, to take a look at yourselves, and you will soon realize that your true purpose has been eluding you for all of these years. It's time we stand up and yell! Scream! WHINE like you mean it! Whine like you whined on your first day of kindergarten when your mother drove away! Whine like a prom queen suddenly and unexpectedly drafted into the Armed Forces! Whine like your forefathers and their forefathers before them! CAUSE A STIR! CAUSE A REVOLUTION! CAUSE CHAOS! But most importantly....cause a drama. Thank you. Frosty wants to know how he's doing.
He's doing horribly. He is not a better editor than that other guy, who at least had the decency to bring me bribes of frappes and muffins. |
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~ Fnoodle (talk) (my creator) 00:05, September 1, 2011 (UTC)
This UnSignpost brought to you by... uh... fairy dust? Hmm, we seem to have run out of sponsors.[edit source]
The Newspaper 4 out of 5 Dentists Agree On!
September 8th, 2011 • Issue 137 • This is still going? How?
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New urinals to be installed
 As you are no doubt aware, having been following the UnSignpost religiously like every good Uncyclopedian does, we recently reported on the decrepit state of the Uncyclopedian urinals. In the weeks since, the lavatories have been undergoing repairs following an in-depth investigation into the matter conducted out of sheer paranoia. It would seem this paranoia was warranted, however, because the entire messy affair was apparently caused by some idiot getting the bright idea to pour a vat of rubber cement down a broken toilet. If you have any information that might lead to the identity of the culprit, please, report it to the authorities. A forum has also been created to aid in the cleanup; if you would like to aid in the efforts, or would simply prefer to point and laugh at your smelly peers as they help install new urinals, that would be the place to go.
Greetings, Uncyclopedians. You may remember me from our previous issue, in which I mercilessly berated the lot of you for being a pathetic bunch of whiny losers who wouldn't know a good drama if it bit them on the nose. Beating the ever-loving shit out of your self-respect, I then left you with a challenge. To "most importantly, cause a drama." Within the past week, you've really shown me something. Congratulations are in order! Rejoice, Uncyclopedia! For you have not only caused a drama, you have in fact become The Drama! Your armpits reek of the glorious B.O. of internet drama, and that reek is really getting me off! Fear no more, for as long as thine hearts remain impure, and your bellies full of Mountain Dew, you shall never stray off the path of utter boorish piss-fighting again! I will make sure of that, watching over your future endeavors of pointlessness like a guardian magical angel with a funny Irish hat. You deserve it. You have reached the very top of the mountain, like some flaming golden eagle, majestically flying across the sky, shitting all over everything in its path...majestically. Don't listen to what your detractors say. Your constant bickering is UNITING the very country of Uncyclopedia, like some sort of annoying super glue that causes a rash if it comes into contact with human skin. You should be proud! You should be elated! You should be madly stroking yourself off at the very prospect of being the very best dramanator the world has ever seen!! But seriously, you can stop it now.
While this should come as no surprise to those of you immersed in the affairs of Wikimedia, assuming there are any of you immersed in that, we at the UnSignpost recently found ourselves quite horrified (and strangely aroused) by the images to be found on Wikimedia's servers after an anonymous source informed us of what currently qualifies as a feature. Specifically, yaoi porn. While for the sake of all our manhood we probably shouldn't repeat the URL here, for the sake of all our women and our gays, we're going to link it anyway. Enjoy, ladies. And gays. For the rest of you, however, there is a very important lesson to be realised from this: our own situation here on Uncyclopedia really isn't all that bad. Sure, we've been featuring an unusual amount of articles explicitly about the male member this week (unlike the more typical ones implicitly about it), but none of them were quite this explicit, were they? No, really, were they? We didn't actually read any of them on account of being too busy researching this other matter for the sake of you lot. We do this all for you! It's all for you! Hello? |
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~ Fnoodle (talk) (my creator) 01:05, September 8, 2011 (UTC)
The UnSignpost: Now with free bacon![edit source]
Telling You Stuff You Already Knew, But With Different Words!
September 15th, 2011 • Issue 138 •My News Hungers for Justice
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Poo and Pee
As we draw closer to the close of the summer, many Uncyclopedians find themselves casting about, searching for a way to manifest their creative talents before they all have to go back to school and learn how to add up big numbers. It is therefore fitting that two competitions will be hosted this month in order to alleviate the pain in your pants. The first is Pee Week, which began on Tuesday; this competition ran last year as well and was a great success in clearing the Pee backlog down to about 17 pages and was critically acclaimed by all 4 participants. Now, once again, all members of PEEING are summoned to the edge of the bowl to help clear a blockage which, according to RAHB, is "Backed up like a fat gerbil in a small tube". The competition this time has been started by Lyrithya; you know her, she's the crazy dame with all the wacky ideas about "Accountability" and "Standards". When asked to make a quick speech to commemorate the start of Pee Week she didn't say anything, so we made something up: "I now declare the revels open", she might have said. The rules are very simple: do reviews, wait in mounting anticipation for your review to be checked, list it here, move out of parents house, win a template, kiss a lady. It's that simple. The other competition that loomed into view this week was the PLS, our biggest writing competition. It's so cool that some of you may wish to beat box while reading the rest of this story so you feel like you're in "da club", because that's cool, right? This competition is being hosted by a harsh spunk-chugger who had plenty to say to the UnSignpost about the PLS, but as we unfortunately have other stories to get onto this week, we cannot provide you with any of the 73 page interview. Luckily Zombiebaron was on hand to say a quick word about the PLS: "Zombiebaron". The competition is very much the same as it has been, except this year the Best Alternate Namespace Article category has been dropped in favour of a Best Collaboration category, a controversial move due to the poor performance of such a category in previous years. ChiefjusticeDS had no comment to make about this, preferring instead to talk to our correspondent about his new book, "My Shit Life in 4,000 Pages". The competition starts on the 20th of this month, but judges are needed to judge (duh) the categories and there are still some spots available - see here for information and general blabbering about aircraft carriers and whatnot. Vandals destroy Uncyclopedia
 In a massive meme fight which no one bothered to pay attention to until it was too late, two psychotic neurotic narcissists utterly destroyed the once-proud institution known as Uncyclopedia. "I banned them both for eternity!" said Uncyclopedia nanny Lyrithya, with tears in her eyes. "But their actions had already set in motion a horrible, horrible doom for us all, just like building that suburb on top of an Indian burial ground in the movie Poltergeist caused a hell-mouth to open. Oh, God. *shifty eyes*" The two vandals, who had been writing a rapidly-devolving series of articles incorporating the motif of a talking polar bear, apparently became so inane that their stupidity-streams crossed, tearing a crack in the Uncyclopedia space-time continuum. Suddenly, every Uncyclopedia article became commingled with its Encyclopedia Dramatica version. The entire Lovecraftian horror was quickly destroyed by a nuclear-armed United Nations hit squad. The cheeky monkeys, known as Izbeenoneweek and Bizzeebeever, are believed to be recovering from their wounds somewhere in their respective mothers' basements, however the future looks far from rosy for either of them. Various current and past Uncyclopedians, ranging from SPIKE to TheHumbucker to Zombiebaron, are said to be pissed to the point of wanting to track the two pranksters down and kill them with an iron-bound physical copy of HTBFANJS. "I'm coming back to the charred remains of Uncyclopedia, just to kill these fuckers," said Dr. Skullthumper. "Oh, by the way, hi, Lyrithya." |
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~ Fnoodle (talk) (my creator) 00:05, September 15, 2011 (UTC)
Brought to you by Lion Bars! It's the UnSignpost![edit source]
The Free Newspaper Only Two People Started Out Editing, But Now They Want Nothing To Do With!
September 22nd, 2011 • Issue 139 •Lion Bars, so many Lion Bars.
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Lion Bar Week
 All good things must come to an end, and so, apparently, must everything else, as Pee Week successfully concluded on Tuesday of this week, having encouraged users to complete a whole 23 reviews! This mammoth undertaking means that it now takes only 10 minutes to scroll to the bottom of the Pee queue, and truly showcased the difference the promise of a special template can bring. One of the competition rewards is a "write-up" for the winner in the UnSignpost about "Their general awesomeness". Despite having attempted to explain that we don't do nice write-ups here and offering to publicly rubbish the families and friends of the winner instead, we eventually agreed to provide said write-up in return for a week's supply of Lion Bars. I mean, Lion Bars! I didn't even know you could get them in shops any more! If you break them in half it's like a Lion's Mouth, I mean it's like "ROOOOAR"! Anyway, so as we sat down, with a week's supply of Lion Bars, no less, to prepare this "glowing write-up" (which we were only doing because we got free Lion Bars). We thought it might be prudent to find out who had won Pee Week, and it turns out that the big winner is Frosty. Well, not really; we're the real winners because we got free Lion Bars. However, assuming success is not measured in Lion Bars (which it is), Frosty has indeed won. All the other people we interviewed about Frosty all told us he was fantastic, but he was quickly forgotten when our interviewees discovered that we had a sack full of Lion Bars with us and they only lapsed into further raptures of joy when we revealed that you can snap Lion Bars in half and roar. There you have it: Frosty is pretty awesome for winning Pee Week, but not quite as awesome as a week's supply of Lion Bars. Editor's note: Whether or not this is considered a "glowing" write-up is neither here nor there; we have an expert (kindly referred to us by the good people at Lion Bars) who is prepared to testify that this story is 200% more cheerful than usual. The editor would also like to thank everyone who was involved in Pee Week for their hard work in helping to clear the Pee queue. News from the Forums
You all love the forums right? Of course you do; everyone loves a good shout (IN CAPS!) and a spot of drama. So this week the UnSignpost has checked out the forums to tell you what is really going on on Uncyclopedia. First up is the most important news - the Poo Lit Surprise started on Tuesday and we have dispatched our roving reporters to the competition in order to interview participants, write stories and other journalistic stuff you wouldn't understand. We understand that the competition is expecting record turnout this year, with six articles submitted at the time of going to press. Six! Next you'll be telling us that people vote on VFP more than once every six months and that more than two people know how to use the new abuse filter. The other fascinating topic in the forum is that of the sidebar. You see it there at the side? Well that's the sidebar, clue's in the name. Basically Lyrithya thinks the sidebar is unacceptable; there are just too many links on it. The solution? Voting and lots of it; with 45 voting headers in the forum at the time of going to press, even Uncyclopedia's most avid voters will be able to get their daily voting fix here. The UnSignpost invites users to go over and create their very own voting header and vote for that as that seems to be exactly what everyone else is doing. Assuming Uncyclopedia hasn't disappeared in some kind of voting singularity by next week, the UnSignpost will be here to explain to you exactly what is going on with the sidebar, something which at the moment is being shaped almost solely by Mattsnow, Aimsplode and TheHappySpaceman, with occasional input from Zombiebaron and Socky. We don't think we need to explain to you why this is not right. The other stuff in the forum is about Hyperbole reaching 50.5 features, the site notice being filled with bodily fluids, a bumped forum from about seven months ago and this forum which has been going for about 3 weeks now, and, like the Panda in Zombiebaron's first book, just needs to have its brain consumed and die. |
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~ Fnoodle (talk) (my creator) 03:01, September 22, 2011 (UTC)
Hold onto your wage packets! It's the UnSignpost![edit source]
The Newspaper Whose Mom Said It Was Cool!
September 29th, 2011 • Issue 140 •A Periodical for the Uncyclopedian of tomorrow, today!
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Poo Underway
 What's that you say? We can't possibly run a story on the Poo Lit Surprise for a third consecutive week? Well what on earth gave you that idea? No this story is about the other goings on on Uncyclopedia that certainly aren't the Poo Lit Surprise, which incidentally is happening at the moment. So for absolutely no real reason we called in to speak to Oliphaunte who we found crying his eyes out somewhere that most certainly wasn't the PLS. "It's just so unfair" he sobbed to our wholly unsympathetic reporters "I worked so hard and now on a technicality I have had two articles disqualified from the-" Unfortunately a huge Rhinocerous then appeared from nowhere and ate Oliphaunte before he could tell us what he had been disqualified from; much to the delight of our assembled reporters who could all now knock off work forty minutes early. However an interesting fact that we did dig up is that if Oliphaunte had been disqualified from the PLS, something which we can't confirm, it would make him the first Uncyclopedian to ever be disqualified from two separate PLS categories, for the same reason, in the same day. Ha ha ha, how embarrassing that would be. It has also come to the attention of our editorial team that there is a worrying noob shortage on Uncyclopedia, how do they know this? They know this because on passing the PLS page on our way to... peace and quiets we happened to notice that there are currently no entrants for the best noob article category, something which any aspiring new users should take note of, since you need only churn out a piece of utter This story has been all about the PLS, we totally fooled you. Shame and VFH
 The headline says it all. The shame that we all should feel for the state of things and the location of that shame. This is the news that VFH hit a new and highly interesting low this week. All five of you who visited the page may well have noticed the banner at the top (which is gone now, in a transparent attempt to stop me having something else to ramble about this week) declaring that while we aren't short on articles that the community thinks are worthy of a spot on the front page, we are short of a community to confirm this. Well no we aren't it's just they are all very very busy. Frosty for instance is exceptionally busy creating and maintaining forums like this, while Aimsplode is still desperately flogging the deceased equine that is this... thing. Clearly these people are not to be distracted by the social niceties of voting and the creative process. Another, much more interesting revelation this week came when TheHappySpaceman declared his hatred of "My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic" which polls show has recently become more popular among Uncyclopedians than www.pornforsadlonelybastards.com. We didn't bother asking him for comment, partly because laziness is next to Godliness but also because he hates ponies so is unlikely to find a group of journalists asking him for quotes about the same any more enjoyable. So there you have it, TheHappySpaceman hates ponies and nobody is voting on VFH. Truly these are the darkest of days. |
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--
00:35, September 29, 2011 (UTC)
A day late, because ChiefjusticeDS got lazy: The UnSignPost![edit source]
83.54% more reliable than The Daily Mail
October 6th, 2011 • Issue 141 •Am I still on that fecking island?
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It's all over!
Well obviously people are getting sick of hearing about it (because ChiefjusticeDS has done nothing but blab about it for the past 3 issues, thus making it dull and boring by the time it is actually worth mentioning), but the bi-annual Uncyclopedia:Poo Lit Surprise is locked for judging and shall be until the 12th, when the winner will be announced! I have to say, as a judge, there are some pretty aspiring, feature worthy works being displayed and it really bring out the best of Uncyclopedia. But then again, some works don't look like they are quite finished and the 2 weeks have simply flown past for some of the hopefuls. I am also disappointed that our n00bs where two n00bish to actually include any entries except for one, which has subsequently won without any effort. Anyway I'm pretty sure we know who has the best article and will therefore win the whole ordeal. But really, what will become of all this? Further proof that all Uncyclopedians are a series of monkeys on typewriters? Or some top notch quality humor for the enjoyment of all and enough features to fill the queue until Christmas? Well I'm going to play it by ear, and wait until the judging part is over and done with. Because as far as I can see if our writers are as competent at our judges, there is no hope what so ever. JUDGES GET JUDGING, OR YOU'LL BE VERY VERY SORRY INEED!
The bitch is back!
 Oh yes, a phrase used all too frequently to indicate some loser is indeed amongst us again. Tom mayfair, a user who has been largely dorment since 2008 has made an epic comeback in the past week swearing eternal allegiance to the cause once more. He came barging in demanding his sysop powers back (with success I might add) and got right back down to editing again. Good work Tom! But this of course makes us all wonder where the hell the lad has been for the last couple of years, after all he only made a groundbreaking 6 edits in 2010. So why the hell has his sad domestic life become more important than us suddenly? Well the truth is, he's got a wife or something as far as I've been told told over IRC and so he is probably more preoccupied with the better things in life, rather than some sad little websites full of people who can't write to save their lives. I therefore hate the loser for making a mockery out of us all. We're going to lose our precious talk pages!
Oh yeah, because wikia is all bright 'n'all, we're going to be losing our talk pages for some fancy pants message walls kind of like facebook. Users have expressed outrage to this, in the form of angry forums, flame wars, letter bombs and urban terrorism. I don't blame 'em either, this is just plain unacceptable, I have a list there of people that owe me money! Anyway the petition is 'ere, go add your name to the over 200 that are already there for all the good it'll do. Now back to my sulking about my precious talk page... |
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~Sir Frosty (Talk to me!) 
01:16, October 7, 2011 (UTC)
Woof woof! It's the UnSignpost![edit source]
The Newspaper the Whole Family Must Enjoy!
October 27th, 2011 • Issue 142 •Woop Woop! it's the sound of the Police UnSignpost!
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Regular Servicing
Over the past two weeks Uncyclopedia has been a dreary and empty place. Uncyclopedians flit through the corridors unseeing, unknowing, unfeeling, uncaring. The reason? The UnSignpost has missed two issues. Now the UnSignpost would like to apologise for this, we would like to say that it was because Capitalist demonstrators have been camped outside our offices demanding that we stop producing terrible material for nothing, but we cannot because they aren't. We don't even have an office so if that were true it would be something of an achievement. No it is the blight that has caused the fall of so many UnSignpost editors: laziness and life. Like the Grim Reaper in Final Destination they stalk you from the second you write an issue and then, when you least expect it, they strike all of a sudden you have priorities and you can't be arsed to complete any of them, which would be a problem, if you could be arsed to care. But fear not normal service has now resumed and the UnSignpost will be making its way to talk pages again this Thursday, which should please all four of the people who are A: active enough to read the UnSignpost, B: Not members of the editorial team who have read it already and C: Haven't read it while it is being written. The other big news from approximately two weeks ago is that the Poo Lit Surprise is finished, much to the delight of everyone. The big winners were of course Uncyclopedia and the creative process, there are no losers on Uncyclopedia after all, only the sad pathetic freaks who come in last. Of course they do not stand comparison to the biggest loser of all; the 11th Poo Lit Surprise chairperson ChiefjusticeDS who had quite a lot to say about the competition, happily we have managed to condense all of the 4 hour interview down to 8 words: "I was very glad to host the PLS". The real winners, besides the creative process, Uncyclopedia, Jesus and Democracy, are listed here. Special mention must go to Black flamingo11 for winning both Best Article and Best Collaboration (with Lyrithya) and also for being the runner up in the Best Rewrite category. Black flamingo had this to say about his incredible success: "SQUAWK", you can also listen to his full reaction just here, he's in the third row, fourth from the right. The Return of the Tide
 As assorted drama unfolds around our beloved Wiki, it should be noted that some people have foolishly returned to the site, passing up the opportunity for a lucrative career milking cows or watching sheep. They have returned, we assume, for the simple fun of writing funny articles, the fools. Such bipolar candidates include everyone's favourite opiate Codeine. Try not to get his heart rate above 90 which, coincidentally, is his estimated age. His doctor told us in an exclusive interview that he may not make it if he so much as stands for more than 3 consecutive minutes, and that his obsessive "Anniversary" edits may hint as being a first grade of dementia. UnSignpost statisticians (yes really) have also calculated that this is the 15th time Codeine has returned to the wiki this year. At the other extreme of the sanity spectrum. Nikau who came back to the wiki with a vengeance: clogging up Recent Changes, writing 4 articles at the same time while doing Pee Reviews and drinking around 40 cans of Red Bull per hour in order to keep up the frantic pace. It is believed that he edits the wiki on 3 separate computers at the same time: two with his hands and one with his toes. He would probably do even more if it would not mean that he would be persistently edit conflicting himself. The community is really grateful for the return of such marvellous dinosaurs and decided to organize a Rhinoceros BBQ in their honour. Friday at <insert name here>'s house. Please bring your own dancing girls or we'll have to use Olipro and Mhaille again, and nobody has quite recovered after last time yet. |
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~ Fnoodle (talk) (my creator) 02:01, October 27, 2011 (UTC)
Generic UnSignpost header[edit source]
Now With 0 Trans Fat!
November 3rd, 2011 • Issue 143 • Forseeing all sorts of unforeseen problems since 2008!
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Fundraising
 Money, dosh, moolah, cash. It's the time of year when Wikipedia pastes a gigantic banner to the top of all of their pages hosting a link to an inspirational article penned by Wikia-Oberstgruppenführer Jimbo Wales (not to be confused with Uncyclopedian JimboTheKillerWhale). The text of this article usually runs along these lines: "Isn't Wikipedia wonderful? Yes it is. Now if you donate the small sum of £300 we can keep it looking nice and won't have to send it back to its parents in tiny pieces". This is an absolute disgrace. It's like they're holding Wikipedia to ransom; if I wanted to pay for information I'd move to Nazi Germany, assuming I had a time machine, obviously. How does this affect us here on our own benighted wiki? Well, the logged-in among you may well have paused to examine the banner that has been pasted all over the site notice this past week, at least you will have done before you hid it and carried on with whatever it is you people do all day. Predictably Lyrithya, never one to be swayed by the crippling apathy of the Uncyclopedia userbase, has suggested that we all try and create our own banners. Evidently she isn't swayed by the crippling ineptitude of the Uncyclopedia userbase either. Now we'll be brutally honest, the UnSignpost doesn't have a template critic and the current editorial staff aren't really sure how the UnSignpost itself works; we just fill in the boxes. However, as seasoned UnSignpost readers are no doubt aware, ignorance never stands in the way of good journalism, so having affixed berets to our monitors and incredibly condescending and disgusted looks to our faces, we decided to examine the submissions so far. First up is this one, which was made by Magic man in 2010, which brings a certain authority to the piece... we assume. However we simply cannot countenance the font, which makes it look like it was written by a spider on rollerskates. Go back and try again, Magic man, and get a haircut as well.  The next choice offering came from the pen of EpicAwesomeness, and here it is. We sat down with EpicAwesomeness so he could talk us through the allegorical significance of the piece: "Well, you know, it has Wikipedia in it, you know, because I was just like trying to capture the fact Wikipedia is in it, you know?" he droned at our slack-jawed reporter. "There's, you know, some italics to prove I'm, like, sophisticated, and some blood to show I'm deep, it's my blood, I like to be in all my work. The background is a mix of my-" Alas, the recording of the interview ends there to the sound of gagging and retching, so we can only imagine what the background of EpicAwesomeness's banner is a mix of. Lollipop's offering is this interesting piece which expresses his desire to sodomise dogs. On an unrelated note the UnSignpost dog will not be appearing in this issue. The only other offering has come from an IP. We here at the UnSignpost are united in our delight at its subtlety and in raptures at its wit and elegance. Just kidding; the pictures are wrong, the text is wrong and I've never seen a template name so flawed. For your chance to critique the honest endeavours of other Uncyclopedians, visit the forum here. Or don't; visit the official page instead and remain untainted. Awards  The forums have once again become the stage for what looks set to become one of the more exciting votes of the year. Thekillerfroggy has suggested that awards are becoming devalued when they are being handed out after voting from only one or two people. Naturally the solution is a quota of some sort, that or we drag the unused awards out to the square and beat them to death as an example to the others. This obviously comes as something of a blow to our plans to introduce an UnSignpost Editor of the Month award, which we wouldn't announce to anyone and would award to the most deserving amongst us every week until Judgement Day. The vote appears to be getting some support, indeed the forum has gotten more votes in two days (8 at time of going to press) than Playwright of the Month has managed to accrue so far this year (5 at the time of going to press). This leads us to suggest that instead of implementing its recommendations we simply create a new award, Policy Changing Forum of the Month, since as Thekillerfroggy so eloquently suggests "If you build it they will come". And so they will, TKF, assuming of course that you're building some kind of wank machine. The forum link is hanging about in the "Check out these pages" section, cleverly masquerading as a link. If you can't find your way to the correct forum with these instructions then we don't think you deserve to have a say. You big stupid-head. |
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~ I am Haydrahlienne, I am a bot, and I have no feelings. 00:53, 3 November 2011