User:Votes4voles/Santa failing dyslexic kids
Scottish officials are concerned that children with dyslexia are not getting presents from Santa. In order learn more about the situation, UnNews spoke with Angus McDougall, Scotland's leading expert on Absent Santa Need (ASN), a condition which seems to be afflicting an ever-increasing number of children.
"These children never get presents from Santa," explains McDougall. "It has nothing to do with being naughty or nice. The condition can effect the sweetest and best of our wee ones. Even my own wee niece here, Mary Jane, is a victim of ASN." McDougall teared up, as he patted the little girl's head.. "She's a dear sweet bonnie lassie, and she writes her wee letters to Santa ever so faithfully, but nae a present does she receive from him."
No presents at all? Well, maybe not from Santa...
"I asked for a dolly, and I got THIS!" sobbed Mary Jane, turning her head away to hide her tears as she held up a pin-encrusted voodoo doll. "I guess it is a dolly, but it's not what I was hoping for." Brushing back a tear she added, "I try to love her anyway, It's not her fault she's covered with pins. At least.. I don't think it is..."
"The things she finds on Christmas morning are terrible things," McDougall continued in a low whisper, "like something from the pit of hell. I don't know where they come from or how they get here, but they are definitely not from Santa. Santa is absent from her life. She needs him, but he's absent. That's why it's called Absent Santa Need (ASN)." He sighed. "The only thing we know for certain is that all children afflicted with ASN are dyslexic, and all dyslexic children seem to acquire ASN at some point."
The Scottish Children's Santa Claus Services Coalition (SCSCSC), a group of private and voluntary organizations who deal with ASN children, is more vocal about what they believe to be the cause of ASN. Their leader, Sister Mary McGruder, insists that "It's not that Santa has anything against dyslexic children. He just doesn't get their letters. The post office is flatly refusing to deliver them to him! The truth is, those letters from the wee ones, " Sister Mary glanced about, then lowered her voice so that it was barely audible "Those letters going to hell in a mailbag!"
"It's like this," she continued, more audibly. "Dyslexic children mix up the letters when they write a word. It's like that Lolcat stuff, you know, "the" is "teh", "like" is "liek" and "Santa" is...well..who do you think "Santa" gets turned into?"
The SCSCSC has written to the Scottish Government calling for action. Repeated requests have been made that the Postal Services redirect letters for "Satan" to "Santa", but postal officials have balked at the request. "What if the letter is actually intended for Satan?" they counter. "Someone might be wanting to sell a soul or make some other deal with the Devil. We don't want to interfere with people's commercial interests."
"They're a stubborn lot, those postal officials!" says Sister Mary. "Hell could freeze over, and they'd wear ice skates just so they could bring the devil his due!"
Sources[edit | edit source]
Andrew Denholm Councils "failing" pupils with autism and dyslexia Thursday 4 February 2016 [external link to be added later]