“Written language is still a mystery, as it is unclear if Mongolians know how to read and write, or if they pass on information in the form of dance, like bees.”
“Now, I know some of you, mostly the guys, might think it’s cool to stand up in church, whip out your wang, wiggle it around like a jiggleworm, and give it a couple whaps to your old mom’s cheek, making a sweet echo effect across the pews.”
“but I prefer to help the world along a path of change, not force change down the throats of others. I never force it. However, if someone was to ask for a little change down their throat, I would be willing and able to push it deep, deep down. Mmmmmm...”
“Frankly, forty minutes is too long to microwave almost anything. Maybe if you were trying to cook a turkey in there; I don't know. I've never tried.”
“Thomas has taken to telling his family they should rise up and overtake the aliens, even before the family's guardian beetle warrior had removed their leashes. The whole family got the goo for that.”
Stupid Nursery Rhymes & Really, Really Dumb Jokes
- Thou - Featured Article 07/02/2008 - Top 3 article of July 2008
- UnBooks:A Story, About a Man, that Comes to an Eventual Conclusion - Featured Article 07/14/2008
- Awkward Conversation - Featured Article 07/23/2008
- UnNews:Jesse Jackson endorses McCain; Obama's lead skyrockets - Solid, not great.
- A friendly message from the supporters of John McCain - Increditastic!
- Addition (rewrite) - Rewrite of earlier deleted article. - Fantastical
- UnNews:My country is better than your whole fucking continent! - Boo Europe!
- UnNews:Bad economy forces terrorists to change tactics - Better in concept than in execution.
- I just thought up a really good idea for an article, but now I can't remember it. - Awesome.
- UnBooks:Michael Phelps Makes Me Sick - This is the article that I am most proud of. Featured UnBook. Featured Article 07/26/2009
- Forest Whitaker's Lazy Eye - Awe-Mazing
- UnBooks:The Autobiography of Jesus of Nazareth - Featured Article 07/03/2009
- UnNews:KISS ruins high school graduation - With Todd
- 2000 - The new millennium. It lasted 1 year.
- 2006 - Seriously, February 2006 sucked.
- UnNews:My thirteen colonies are better than your entire grand empire - Boo British Empire!
- James Carville (rewrite) - It practically wrote itself!
- Martin Luther King Jr.- Try writing anything bad about this guy. It's impossible. Featured Article 03/02/2011
- UnNews:Living creatures found to be bad for other living creatures - People are idiots. 6 months of rust or so... and it shows.
- That time I nearly got an article featured by the community during my sojourn in Uncyclopedia - No, seriously, it nearly got featured.
- Lynx (Character) - Extremely convoluted, or your money back!!! QFA
- UnBooks:Choose Your Own Adventure:One Ordinary Day - And it only took me 7 1/2 months!!! Featured Article 08/15/2010
- Conrack - Yay! I wrote something again!
- UnNews:China adopts controversial new "Having Girls is for Fags" policy - I.... uh.... *shrugs*
- Saturn is a Lying Bitch - Featured Article 07/06/2012 - 2nd Best Article Spring 2012 PLS - Top 3 article of July 2012 - Top 10 article 2012 (Tie #5)
- Professor X - Deep, deep down. Mmmmm..... Featured Article 08/08/2012 - Top 3 article of August 2012
- UnNews:Local boy helps team win championship game - Don't forget about this one. Featured Article 03/22/2013
- UnNews:Editorial: I don't mean to be rude, but please don't do that to my daughter - I need to stop writing terrible things. Featured Article 03/28/2013
- UnNews:Editorial:Are age of consent laws really still necessary? - *sigh* Or not.
- HowTo:Become an Evil Genius - I forgot I more-or-less rewrote this entire thing a few years back.
- Mongolia - This one is very research-heavy. Some true facts. Some Bull shit. Which is good, I think. Featured Article 07/18/2013
- UnNews:Local grandfather won't just accept alien overlords - Get over it. Featured Article 10/30/2014
- UnNews:Scientists: Shape of hot dog should be changed because current shape is a choking hazard; Seriously though, your whore mother is dead - Years too late
- Richie Rich (film) - Almost definitely the worst thing I've ever written here.
- UnNews:Pluto found to be exactly what we figured it would be - Pluto is awful, and it should feel awful
- UnNews:Rising cost of elder care facilities forcing more and more families back together - A good, snooty article.
- UnBooks:Nuclear Football - Long and strong Featured Article 8/22/2015
- LETS NOT BE GAY
- I MIGHT BE TOO DUR K
- I PEED ON THE SEAR
- I AM GOD
Concepts, Templates, Random BS
- UnNews:YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW I FEEL, DAD! - Written in an hour or so. I dislike it, but it was kept, so there you go.
- User:The Woodburninator/Sleep Deprivation - My amazing article on sleep deprivation. It makes sense.
- Forum:Vote to Op me! The Woodburninator! - That time I accidentally got ops
- Forum:Vote to De-Op me! The Woodburninator! - That time I failed to get my ops taken away
A High Five to These Articles
- Talk:Sania Mirza - Always and forever.
- UnNews:Hey America! Fuck you, too!
- Sania Mirza: A Riposte
- Vandalism Done Right.- Show the continent of America who is boss, my vandalizing friend.
- Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/L33T Nonsense (v2) - Cajek FTW.
- My favorite talk page post ever. Left on Ape's talk page. Thank you Sunbeam!
Images I Worked On
- Monkey Olympics!!! - purposely bad.
- John McCain loves bunnies.
- Barack Obama does not!
- Sexy MSPainting it up.
- Maid in China
- If you don't get it...
- Hagia Sophia!
- 5th Year Uncycloversary Logo.
- The Half Blood Prince.
- PedXing - Featured Image