User:NoNamesLeft/Earl
Hello, My Name is Earl. Fifth Lord Earl Samuel Earnshaw of Buckingham, to be precise.
I am Earl, but I am not that Earl[edit | edit source]
Ladies and gentlemen, my esteemed colleagues and dearest friends, it grieves me to be here tonight, but this is part of my 12-step program and I must make amends. But first, I find it imperative that I clear up some grave misconceptions about my life and times. Please bear with me as I do so.
I do NOT wear a "white trash" mustache[edit | edit source]
It seems I am forever being confused with this other "Earl" fellow, whose hijinks and antics never fail to entertain American television audiences on a weekly basis. I am not him, and I do not sport the large bristle-brush mustache that he wears. I do not even wear a mustache, although in full keeping with a man of my rank an honor, I do wear a monocle.
I do NOT Live in a Trailer Park[edit | edit source]
This other "Earl" fellow, it would seem he lives in some sort of conglomeration of prefabricated homes that can be towed on the back of lorries, and then set in a neighbourhood called a "trailer park." Well, all of you fine people who have been to Earnshaw Manor know that my modest 16th Century Tudor mansion of 23 rooms can hardly be called a palace, but I must say that it is no mere quibbling when I protest that I do NOT live in a trailer park. Earnie the Groundskeeper assured my just yesterday before I took my afternoon tea that my abode is the farthest from the sort.
I do NOT have a fat idiot friend who helps me on quests of personal redemption[edit | edit source]
I know, I know, Don Quixote was of the minor nobility and he had his peasant Sancho Panza to help him on his exploits, but I am not a man worthy of a 16th Century classic Spanish novel, or any novel really. And I certainly do not have an obese village-idiot friend who serves as my foil when trying to make amends through my 12-Step program. I am not one for "sidekicks," as some would say. Not like this other "Earl," chap, apparently.
I do NOT have a bat-shit-insane ex-wife who spoils my daily plans[edit | edit source]
This other "Earl" would seem to have a former wife who appears like a half prosthetic prostitute, always showing up at inopportune time to ruin whatever plans Earl has on his schedule. I have no such wife. Nay, many would say I am a confirmed bachelor, although I will admit that I have had my eye on Countess Van Tassle for some time now.
So, my friends, I am sorry for my wrongs[edit | edit source]
Again, thank you all for your patience. Now that you are sure of who I am not and what I have not done, I must come to the extremely difficult part and seek forgiveness for my actual transgressions. Hello, my name is Earl, and I have done wrong.
To my dearest sister, I apologize for the "Tea Incident"[edit | edit source]
My dear Margaret, it pains to to see your visage and recall how last week I was 15 minutes late for teatime, and all because I was caught up playing Whist with some other gentlemen down at the Village Green. I do apologize and hope you will forgive me.
=To the Queen, sorry about the crack cocaine =[edit | edit source]
To the Queen, I must in the most heartfelt manner possible apologize for the incident of the crack cocaine this 14th of January last. I have since trimmed my coke nail and destroyed the crack pipe. It will not happen again, I swear to it.
To Nelson Mandela, Sorry about the Bathroom[edit | edit source]
Sir President, you are a credit to your country, the world and your race. No mere words can ever absolve me for what I did in your bathroom. Only time will fade the horrors of Nelson Mandela's Bathroom, and I pray for that day to come with godspeed.
Conclusion[edit | edit source]
My name is Earl. Hello and goodbye. Please forgive me, and please, oh God please, do not ever again confuse me with that White trash redneck on television.