User:JoeMonco/HTBFANJS must die!

This article summarizes my contempt towards the "How to Be Funny and Not Just Stupid" guide and this wiki in general. If you find yourself allergic to this kind of materials, you can do yourself a favor by either crying like a baby or not reading it at all.

If you want a picture of UN:HTBFANJS, just think of it as years of accumulation of rejected ideas from Friends, Saturday Night Live and Seinfeld - and that's a sadder thing than all of the above combined.

Let's face it - you aren't a comedian, and whatever you think is funny needs not work in the same way on others. Written by a herd of former/self-proclaimed humorists, the so-called "How to be funny and not just stupid" guide is the epitome of the sheer humor vaccum that constitutes probably the largest parts of Internent and teen cultures. Honestly, what makes these kids... I mean, people, think they have the authority or even the least substance to teach others about comedy? Two words, "self-congradulation". If HTBFANJS is anything at all, it is a fitting example of the blind leading the blind. You want to be "creative, original and unimitable"? Then, by all means, stay clear of that bowl of tripe. Here's why.

The Big Picture: There is no "frame" in the Uncyclopedia setup

Normal, sane individuals usually use the word "frame" as a reference to a set of figurative boundaries for a scheme of things or simply how far a person would prefer to go during the course of a certain endeavor. As in the case of an art supply store, there are good frames, and there are bad frames. The reason that the "frame" outlined by HTBFANJS is at best a bad one - if not completely nonexistent - is that it is simply too broad. Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines the word "encyclopedia" as "a work that contains information on all branches of knowledge". In other words, a parody of an unspecified encyclopedia is effectively a parody of, in laymen's terms, "everything under the sun". This leaves Uncyclopedia as a directionless pursuit to the point of infinity, and that's not just immodest - it's ludicrous.

But, know this - what I have just mentioned above is only part of the picture that HTBFANJS has missed completely. In the same way most other ongings do in the business world, The Daily Show has not only a mere "frame", but also a mission. In other words, it has a definitive goal. Television shows, particularly those of the comedy genre, usually have only a little more than 20 minutes for each episode. There is no room for messing around or directionless experimentations. Wasting air time effectively means losing your much valued audience and rating. Generally speaking, what is perceived as "news report" usually refers to the latest update of a political or sociocultural event. In other words, a parody of a news report is effectively a satire of politics and cultures - something that clicks well with even the most casual audience. This is also exactly one of the few areas that average Uncyclopedia users rarely attempt to explore, and I'll tell you why so in the next section.

Be a comedian: Get educated, or something

An artist's impression of a kid that does satire

• HTBFANJS claims: "The truth is usually funnier than nonsense. The funniest pages are those closest to the truth."

Guess what? I can summarize these two clumsy sentences in two extremely elegant and expounding words. Here goes: TRY SATIRE.

Oh! My bad. I forgot I had already clarified in the last section that Uncyclopedia was a directionless pursuit to the point of infinity. Having such a strict goal to achieve is hardly within the comfort zone of a teenager... I mean, an average Uncyclopedia writer. Besides, what good does satire do to the author anyway? Kids love being accepted by others, and thus it is highly unusual to expect pointed arguments from them that may upset their own peers. "Ewww... Satire? The last kid who did it got beaten up by other kids. Nooooooooo waaaaaaaaay!"

• HTBFANJS claims: "A longer, but still clever, article is better than spamming the index full of thousands of small one liners about giraffes and bathtubs."

Let's face it - if you have to state this in your wiki, then it's likely that you have got a demographic of users made out of largely acne-ridden teenagers that still laugh at spontaneous "cheese monkey" jokes. In the world of mature adults', this statement is more somewhere along the line of, "If you dare to say 'cheese monkey' just once, I'll punch you in the stomach - real' hard!"

Some poor techniques of humor writing

• Repetition. Dane Cook does it. Every idiot does it. That's why you should never, ever do it. Ever heard the saying, "Things are best taken in small doses"? Repetition is reserved for answering machines and those who can recite and regurgitate a whole season of Star Trek: Enterprise. To other people, repetition is just annoying. It makes something that was funny in the first place old and tired, and it makes something that was not funny in the first place even more old and tired. A good rule of thumb is that if you happen to find yourself using the same joke or even literary device more than once, you should better stop using it for a while or until you start working on the next article.
• Misdirection. This usually works fine with comedy sketches, but not with written humors. Just as some say, "A picture is better then a thousand words." More than often, people get more out of one image than half a dozen sentences. Misdirection may yield extremely undesirable results in an article if you aren't exactly certain of your readers' reaction. Comedy that no one understands is effectively failed comedy. Risking a misdirection may as well be risking a potentially unworkable joke (see example in HTBFANJS). You can't afford to confuse your readers for a bad reason. Misdirection, hence, is best avoided.
• Escalation. Escalation is good so as long as you know what you are going to achieve at the next level. Pointless escalation, on the other hand, is drivel. That said, though, there are two kinds of people that actually like pointless escalations: a) males fond of action movies, and b) females fond of romantic comedies. These people are generally hungry for preposterous twists, and you can't get out of a pointless escalation without at least one of those. Unless you are a cynical studio executive or aspiring to be one, then, by all means, don't do it.
• Being self-referential. Do this and you risk being a self-assuming bunghole (or the author of this article).
• Understatement. Or, in other words, watering down everything and wishing someone would get a chuckle out of the resultant mess. Best with sensitive topics such as racial issues and major disasters.
• Circularity. This word reminds me of a broken vinyl. See also "Repetition".
• Being circular. Until someone invents a method of human bonsai, there is nothing interesting in being circular. See also "Repetition". (Life just goes round and round, doesn't it?)
• Be silly about serious things. See "Understatement".
• The Straight Man. "The Straight Man" is good only if you happen to have a ridiculous scenario to pair with, which is hard to achieve when all you have are pen and paper. This article is never funny without something as crap as HTBFANJS to pair with. See "Being self-referential".
• Write in a consistent style. Unless you can tell me a good reason why not to, whoever with the enough ego to mention this should go snuff it.

When writing nonsense, be prepared to be curbstomped

One of the few special individuals on earth that possess the ability to understand nonsense

• If you can't stay close to the truth, you may as well take up writing science fiction or just stop trying altogether. Whoever with the time to read utter nonsense should never be allowed access to this planet's oxygen supply, let alone writing it. When I say this, I assume the 3rd grader that penned the original statement in HTBFANJS had trouble distinguishing the difference between the words "truth" and "fact".
• Random humor can be funny when you are on illicit substances. That said, though, people will still tend to not being able to follow your line of thoughts and appropiately send you to a rehab center.
• Be sure to check existing articles. This is the only thing that is supposed to be taken seriously in the entirety of HTBFANJS, but people here seem to be have trouble keeping up with this guideline. Maybe this has something to do with the average IQ of the users here.
• "This is Uncyclopedia, not Wikipedia." Thanks for the info, Einstein.
• "Try to avoid writing over or spoiling any particular article that is otherwise a good article." Wait! Do you mean there is in fact a good article waiting for me to read?

Spend more time on your article... No, I mean much more!

• If you spent ten seconds writing it, then rest assured that NO ONE, SAVING YOUR RETARDED TEENAGE PEERS, WILL LIKE IT. Every time I think of this, I just want to drown myself in a whole damn barrel of Jack Daniel.
• Moreover, simple, unadorned lists are rarely funny. Although sometimes I do find my shopping list kind of interesting. See last bullet.
• Research. This is something you exactly do not need when it comes to amusing teenagers.
• Delete, delete, delete. Something I have wanted to do all along to most of this wiki and Doctor Who fans in general.
• Revise, revise, revise. Enough, enough, enough! Do people here really need this kind of reminders?

The "@#$%^&*" rule: being crass or tasteless makes you look retarded

Unless you are the kind of creepy/unapproachable individuals that are better off shunned from the rest of the world, then the rule stated in the section title is to be applied to all human beings under all circumstances. But, heck, this is the Internet, so what do we not expect?

Avoid clichés/stagnant jokes (at all times)

Here's the rule: If you have already heard it somewhere, then it is likely that other people have already heard it too, probably for a thousand times if not more. Unfortunately, we all live a world where good things tend to get regurgitated to the point of eternal death, used up, run dried and tossed to the sideways only to be forgotten and despised. One studious author of HTBFANJS compiled not only one, but two exhaustive laundry lists of what to be avoided for an article. For the convinence of impatient readers, I have condensed these lists into a short one. Here goes:

• Most of the Internet

And that's it. I rule.

Other miscellaneous crap

• "Don't plagiarise"... Unless you are a frequent user of BitTorrent, a pirate or an average Uncyclopedia user, that is.
• Meta-humor is not humor The same logic goes that beef-flavored noodle is not beef, and Dick Cheney is not the President of the United States. Unless your fart smells like Chanel No. 5, whatever you think up after smoking five joints in a row is not going to amuse anyone, ever!
• "Use Pictures Wisely"... But I thought I could spam those pictures of my uncle like they were goatse or stuff!
• "Bias is not a replacement for humor"? No way, you dirty gay fag liberals!
• "Outright sarcasm is not a replacement for humor" Since when?
• "In The Style Of..." To summarize what they say in HTBFANJS, cheese monkey, cheese monkey and... CHEESE MONKEY!!! Hey, what's that? *Bang* *Urk...*
• "Other possible sources for humor." See "Don't plagiarise".

Some real advices that every writer should follow

• Stop writing crap at 3 a.m. or during any ungodly hours. I don't know why I have to state this point since it is supposed to be obvious to most sane human beings on earth, but here it is more like damned if you do and damned if you don't, so what the heck!
• Get out more. If you revolve your own life around crap, you mind will be like crap. If you revolve your life around the Internet, you will end up thinking like the Internet, and, I can tell you, this is the last thing you can ever afford.
• Ditch the HTBFANJS guide. 'Nuff said.

See also

• Real comedies, seriously.