User:Ineedaname/Emperor Palpatine

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search
This user has been inactive on Uncyclopedia for more than one year.

Some content has been removed from their userpage to help keep Uncyclopedia tidy.

If this is your userpage, please feel free to restore that content and remove this template.


“He's a very shocking man.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Emperor Palpatine

“UUUUUUUUUUUN-LIIIII-MIIIII-TEEEEEEEED... POWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEER!!!”

~ Emperor Palpatine on Catholocism

“Soon you shall see the fall of the other denominations, and the end of your insignificant rebellion!”

~ Emperor Palpatine on Catholocism being the only true path to salvation
Emperor Palpatine smiles with pleasure after cooking up yet another delightful pahttp://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/skins/common/images/button_bold.png Bold textstry treat!


Palpatine looks really fine with his full dress uniform
Palpatine celebrates after taking over the world. Above:His true form along with his two henchmen. Below: Their public forms.
Rarely does the Emperor use his lightsaber as it drains the batteries.

Emperor Palpatine also known as Pope "Benedict XVI" (pronounced "iksvie") or simply "Eggs Benedict," is the High Pope and Leader of the authoritarian State of Rome. He was trained by Darth Hitler and was widely believed to be the second President of the United States after the Nike Revolution of 2006, being elected in 2016 after the failed two-term administration of his Sith Apprentice, Darth Osama. Besides being the owner of Real Vatican (Vatican City's national soccer team), he is the half-brother of Cuautehmoc Gijsbert, the notorious lead singer of a Romanian hip-hop orchestra.

In fact, Emperor Palpatine was a hoax, created to distract the Americans from the true President, Darth Cheney, who didn't want to admit the fact that he was a self-educated Dark Lord of the Sith. This allowed Hussein to secretly rule the country and be the de facto President, even when the Americans were sick of him.

Below goes his fictional biography, traced through the mass media corrupted by the dark side. That's right, the IRS.

Pope Benedict cosplaying one of his heros.

Death[edit | edit source]

Emperor Palpatine eventually dismantled the Senate nineteen years later, completing his bear-ful grip of power. Meanwhile, Eric Flood discovered that pope John Paul II was not dead, but in fact, under exile after failing to defeat Palpatine years ago in the Papal Election. JP2 taught Eric Flood the powers of Medium Rare, and then promptly died at the ripe old age of 84 million. Flood left his hometown of nuclear radiation and faced Palpatine in a game of deathmatch. When Palpatine attempted to cast +5 Lightning on Flood, he just realized that there was a disturbance in the force which messed himself up and got turned into a baked potato. Eric threw the potato down a shaft, where it exploded in a blast of delicious evil flavoring. Many innocent bystanders caught Ham disease from the shrapnel of the potato in question.

Composure[edit | edit source]

Don't mess with Palpatine.

Emperor Palpatine was generally very evil, even more evil than Dom DeLuise. He had back problems caused by "Baked Potato Syndrome", and face problems, caused by "John Kerry's Disease". It is rumored that he also has ham disease, but everyone who has tried to find out has ended up either electrocuted or asploded. His trademark move was to say, "May the Force be with you", and then electrocute his victim with his fingers until he or she responded with, "and also with you".

He also fed ducks by the pond, right before messily eating them.

Emperor Palpatine AKA (Pope Bend-a-dick)is also know as many other priest as being a faggot molisting children when they were available. When a member of the uthe NAZI squad, when not trying to shoot down planes he was playing leap frog with his buddies, he would pretend to not be able to jump over and would slip them the old wienner.

Benedict XVI[edit | edit source]

This article is regarding Some Religious Icon. For the delicious method of cooking eggs, see Eggs Benedict

“Catholics smatholics. Join wildism.”

Benny Ex-Vee-Eye, known as Colonel Ratty to his friends, Beta-16.0 or simply as "B16" and "Big Ben" to his mother, is the brand-spankin'-new Pope. He reincarnated, Phoenix-like, from his previous form as Pope John Paul 2.0, in 2005, which he had coincidentaly reincarnated from as Pope Benedict XVI. His first act as Pope was the ritual consumption of John Paul 2.0's body, thus absorbing his secret powers.

Everyone Expects Ze Bavarian Inquisition!

This hoopy frood bears mucho resemblanci (Latin) to Darth Sidious of Star Wars fame. It was thought he would choose the name Palpatine as his papal "handle", but as the coincidence would have raised too many questions, he has chosen to stick with his original Tellurian name, Benedict Xvi. This name has its own share of controversy, however, as it is the same exact name as that guy in that forgettable Arnold Schwarzenegger film.

It also alludes to his former role as Benny within the popular UK TV series Crossroads. It is unlikely he will return, although a Rome holiday special is on the cards.

See also Ratzinger Z

Biography[edit | edit source]

It's treason, then...

Ratz Cheeseburger / Ben Xvi (Benny 16 to his friends) was found hatched indside the Ark of the Covenant and was adopted by his famously (and supposedly) anti-Nazi father. His name was the cube root of his father's lucky number, and "Benedict" was rumoured to be the name of his real mother, Betty Sechzehn. He was a proud member of Hitler Youth .

During the course of his life he made wondrous inventions such as the moon, punctuation and cold fusion. He also discovered the Boltzmann constant. Famed for his work as a leper in Alaska, he worked his way up until he became a new Pope.

Benedict Xvi was NEVER a communist, and repudiates his time as one. His father was also a prominent anti-Nazi, as you can see documented in the official biography Benedict wrote. That he was later head of the Inquisition is mere coincidence. BELIEVE IT or he'll EXCOMMUNICATE YO' ASS.

When he was elected pope, it was discovered that he had the same body as Pope John Paul II. Apparently, after Emperor Palpatine was killed by Darth Vader, he inhabited the recently deceased John Paul II and was reincarnated as Emperor Benedict XVI, also known as Darth Benedictitus. It is unknown whether or not the young Benedict XVI is the same person as the papal version. He also voted George Bush for President. Now they are preparing a neoconspiracy against Italy to expand the Vatican frontier from world to heaven.

Benny 1.6 in one of his amazing roles (as Emperor Palpatine).

Suspected links to the Borg[edit | edit source]

If you will not fight, then you will be destroyed!

Benedict has been suspected of links to the Borg Commonality ever since he told the College of Cardinals to "Prepare to be Assimilated". His mechanical voice and bionic limbs have also served to fuel suspicion. However, the Vatican Press Office has denied this, and threatened to let the Papal Bull loose on anyone who "spreads these false rumours".

How Do You Pronounce "Xvi"?[edit | edit source]

Most speakers of English will say "ex-vie", and this is acceptable for journalism or official use in an English-speaking context. However, linguists point out that the name is not actually from a human language, and recommend pronouncing it without the leading vowel for strict accuracy, and with a fist or other similar-sized object in the mouth for greater faithfulness to the church and nonstandard phonetic requirements. These guys are smarter than you, so listen to them, and start stretching those mouths.

If that turns out not being feasible for you, it is better to avoid Xvi completely and use XEmacs instead.


Not satan
Really, he isn't...
Seriously. He is not.

Official Vatican City ASCII[edit | edit source]

This is the only official ASCII art available of Benedict XVI. All others are cheap imitations.

………………………_„----//----„___
…………………..„-“” , , , , , , , , , ¯¯”~-„
…………………„” , , , . . . . . . . . . . . . , “-„
……………….„/”, , , . . . . . . . . . . . . . . , ,”~-„_),
………………/ , , , , . __ . . . . . . . . . . . . . , , , ,|….
……………..| , , , , . / : : ¯””~~------~~~””””~„ , /, “„………….__
…………….| , , , , , / : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : ::| , , |…………|: :\
………….,_,|, , /¯¯: : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : :| , ,|…………\ : :\......_
…………| -„ ‘\ , | : : : : : : : : : / : / : : / : : : : : : | , ,|………….\.: :\...( _”\
………….\ ,’ \ \ | : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : :\ ,/_..............\: : \...) --\
…………..\ ‘;;\ | : : : ~~--„„__ : : : : : : __ : : : :\/¯, /…………..} : : V : : /
……………\ : :| : : : : :~„º „~”~ ; ; ;|~”0 ,”~ : : ;/ „”………….…/ :,-~~~~~\
…………..„-\_/; ; ; : : : : : : : : :;; : :| ¯””¯ ‘ : : : / /.../¯¯””~-„_../ : : ’~~-----„:\
……….„-“;;;;;| ; ; ; : : : : : :„-“ ; ; : : \ : : : : : : ; \\…..\ : : : ;/ ; ;¯/ : : : : : : : ‘\
…...„-“;;;;;;;;;;;^ ; ; ; : : ;--“”; ;\ | ; : : | \ : : : : : ; /…….¯””~-„ : : : „----~~~”””- : |
„-~”;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;\ ; \ ; : : |_ ; ; ; ‘’~--~’¯ : : : : ; /-„_...............”-„: :"~~~---- : : : |
;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;\ ; \ ; : :| ;\¯””~~~~””/: : : : /:::::::¯””~-„__.......”~„_ ; ; : : : : ; /\
;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;\ \ : ; | : “”~~\~””¯: / ; ;/;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;¯¯¯”~-„__’\ ; ; ; ; :„-“ :\
;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;”„\ : ;\ : " " " " " : : :/ „”;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;\ --~”” : : : : \
;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;”-„; ~-,_; ;_,-~ „-“;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;\ : : : : : : :/|
;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;””~~----~~””;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;\~-----~””„--“\
;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;\~~~””¯ . . .\

Benedict XVI in other languages and places[edit | edit source]


Given a reference by Saint Malachy

Famous Speech[edit | edit source]

Unnliiiimmmited Pooowwwwwweerr!

His first speech as pope is as followed:

"The year is 2025, White people HAVE become a MINORITY in America. On our streets hang Aryan men who refused to accept the "New Way," or perhaps they just looked too White. Perhaps they never thought MUD RULE would really come. "

What he means is that the end of his papacy is 2025 and that preachers will stop molesting kids during his papacy.

"White girls who refuse the advances of Negroids, are publicly gang-raped so as to serve as examples to other shuddering Aryan females. Children are now taken from their houses, by force, to be brought up in a "Multi-Cultural" home of Negroids, Arabs, Muslims and Gooks, all in the name of "brotherhood and love"... "

He says that he will unite the world just like John Paul II.

"And yet, some fight back! Alone or in small cells, Aryans...men and boys...but most of all women who stand the most to lose, since the decline of real men among the White Folk, strike back...at night and with any weapon near at hand."

He means that the battle with Satan is still being fought.

"How often do the hunted Whites think back to the "old days," when action and dedicated work, might have Reached, Educated and Organized enough of our folk, to have averted what now seems like a hopeless Hell. All the old excuses for not working for the Movement...My Job...My Money...My Friends...My Fun...My Beer, all gone. All the boasting, but never REALLY sacrificing for what they knew was coming, now it's too late, too late, TOO LATE. Are YOU a TALKER or do YOU make a difference now?"
"Prepare to be assimilated!"
"Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!"
"Okay, I gotta go now."

When da pope was selected.

"In order to secure the security and continuing stability, the Vatican will be reorganized into the first Galactic Empire, for a safe and secure society."

He means that the christian movement is near.

When Micheal Jackson go to church he needs to get a Catholic priest to body search him in case he's carrying rubber glove

Benedict: the racing form[edit | edit source]

According to Malachi the prophet (or possibly profit-maker) the penultimate Pope. To be succeeded by "persons of another title."

Leisure and Hobbies[edit | edit source]

Palpatine in one of his favourite poses, with Santa hat (the darkside lightning was removed by photoshop).
Emperor Palpatine is a world-renowned expert on facial care.
"I see you have already turned to the Dark Side of the Vatican."

Not entirely known, but speculated to have enjoyed:

  • Holding other's lightsabers and asking them if they want it, knowing full well that they do.
  • Unlimited Powah!
  • Roadside Bombs
  • Really bad gas
  • Teaching Unintelligent Design in Butt-Fuck Alabama
  • Using his amazing force powers to attack abortion clinics.
  • Raunchy E-mails and text messages to choir boys, seminary students and young padawans, with one of his apprentices, Darth Mark Foley ("D"-FL)
  • Michael Jackson biographies
  • Chinese Cuisine
  • Playing George Lucas' films over and over again
  • Growling at photo of Pope John Paul v2.0
  • Eating cheese
  • Performing abortions and blaming them on the Democrats
  • Practicing casting Bolt 3
  • Practicing the red light saber
  • Hot chocolate and pink fluffy slippers
  • Goose-stepping in the Hilter Youth
  • Attempting to hit a golf ball instead of shattering it to pieces with his incredible strength
  • Writing books on facial care.
  • Posing as Satan Claus (s. picture)
  • Cannibalism
  • Promoting his own brand of toenail clippers
  • "Regime change"
  • Growing sunflowers
  • Photoshopping Derek Jeter's head onto Zinedine Zidane's body
  • Torturing innocent citizens accused of practicing "witchcraft".
  • Covering up his minions' molestation of countless small children; possibly even engaging in these activities himself.
  • Attempting to recreate Salvador Dali paintings
  • Masturbating to naked pictures of Janet Reno Hikari (Who Wouldn't?)
  • Zinging of rats. (Old family habit.)
  • Making Ratburgers for the inmates of the Vatican.
  • Abusing Mexicans
  • In off hours, (or while there's a skeleton hanging in the closet,) goes by the alias Darth Jesus.
  • Playing in the Vatican's only black metal band, Ratzinger and the Funkee Cardinalz
  • Writing legal memorandums about the likelyhood that a tort claim based on vicarious liability would succed if one was brought against his "institution" if fucking one of his minions molested a boy. He would have to discuss the facts, the reason why vicarious liability would be the claim used, the underlying torts(remediable wrongs), the issue of whether said minion was an employee in his course and scope under him and whether he could raise an affirmative defense as well as look into possible alternative claims said boy could bring. (This is all what you think about after being a mediocre law student for a year at an American law school.) I got a High "B" on it! Woot!!
How Handsome!

Pope Benedict's Children[edit | edit source]

Like father.....like son!

The Pope has had three children. They are all humans(sorta) and that's where the similarities end. One was a patriot and a father of our country, Benedict Arnold. Another is Joe Lieberman, who founded his own independent sub-species of humanity. The other is this man:

Destruction of the Death Star[edit | edit source]

Yet again, no explanation is needed for the TRUTH!

Quotes[edit | edit source]

“You are all traitors to the vatican you will be interrogated,tortured you will tell me the names of your friends and allies. and then you will Die.”

~ Pope benedict Palpatine on Protestant priests he captured

“Don't kill him; the Dark Side is strong with him”

~ Benedict XVI on Darth Vader

“Palpatine? This. is. Darth SIDIOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUSSSS!!!”

~ Leonidas on Palpatine

“Look at his eyes... is he an emo?”

~ Hitler on Pope benedict Palpatine

“UNNNN-LIIIII-MIIIII-TEEEEEEEED... POWAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!! ”

~ Emperor Palpatine on Catholicism

“He controls the Vatican and the courts! He's too mothafuckin' dangerous to be kept alive!!”

~ Mace Windu on Emperor Palpatine

“Once more the Vatican will rule the galaxy! And we shall have... peace... ”

~ Palpatine on Himself

“The Catholic priesthood is a pathway to many abilities some consider to be unnatural...”

~ Emperor Palpatine on Catholicism

“In order to ensure our security and continuing stability, the Roman Catholic Church will be reorganized, into the FIRST... GALACTIC... EMPIRE!!!”

~ Emperor Palpatine on the Protestant Reformation

“Henceforth, you shall be known as Darth...... Benedict”

~ The Vatican on Emperor Palpatine

“Joseph Ratzinger, gone he is. Consumed by Pope Benedict.”

~ Yoda on Emperor Palpatine

“Goood, Saddam Hussein, goooood! Kill him. Kill him now.”

~ Palpatine on some innocent bystander

“Do what must be done, Osama Bin Laden. Do not hesitate. Show no mercy.”

~ Palpatine on New York City

“Emperor Palpatine doesn't care about Protestants.”

~ Kanye West on Emperor Palpatine

“I'm afraid the Vatican will be quite operational, when the rapture arrives.”


Preceded by:
Pope John Paul 2.1 		Pope Benedict XVI
2005 - 2035 		Succeeded by:
Dublin Drunken Popes

Preceded by:
Dublin Drunken Popes 		List of Popes
2035-2063 		Succeeded by:
John Paul III

Preceded by:
George Ringo I 		List of Popes
Apocalypse-End of Time 		Succeeded by:
Nobody

Retrieved from "https://en.uncyclopedia.co/w/index.php?title=User:Ineedaname/Emperor_Palpatine&oldid=5828773"