User:Frosty/WIP/HowTo:Write an article that stands no chance of being featured on Uncyclopedia

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“The secret is to use as many clichés as you can fit into one page of nonsense.”

~ Captain Obvious on not writing featured material

Tired of receiving the fame of writing quality material? Think your talents (or lack thereof) would be better used writing absolute crap? Well with this handy, dandy guide to writing articles that will never, ever, not a million years be featured, you can't go wrong! Of course I could just say produce a memorable one liner, Copy paste Wikipedia articles or simply write about that shitty English teacher that gave you a bad mark, but I feel the best way to produce quality crap is to simply follow this guide which I wrote for you.

Now with 50% less in-jokes than your average HowTo guide!... With Savings!

Step 0: Take your "medicine"[edit | edit source]

Drink up, you have an article to write!

This step is crucial, this takes place before you even approach your computer. You must numb the senses, most importantly of which is your common sense. Being sober will allow you to think straight, make witty jokes and generally string a sentence together. All three, are big no-nos if you want your article to never get featured. A casual beer here or there is often not sufficient you must be blind drunk (but not to the point you are passed out on your keyboard drooling and posting keyboard mash from the left side of your face). A half a bottle of whiskey, scotch or brandy is usually the way to go.

Drinking not only considerably degrades the quality of the words you are posting, but increases the likelihood of speling erors, [[fail|miss queued piping], and for those with a reputation on our fair wiki it will mean you will be able to "Blame someone else" like a true hero or heroes for the mess you may make.

If you're not really into booze, any illicit drug will do just fine, just don't mention Uncyclopedia or this little suggestion if and when you do get caught by the cops.

Right, now, can you feel the ethanol pumping through your bloodstream? Senses slowly and yet ever so blissfully dying away? Think you're Mr. Confident who's funnier than people more important than you? Excellent! Let's begin writing our article. If you think you're too drunk then sober up, and repeat step 0 again, but then again if you're too drunk you're probably going to proceed anyway, so why bother even trying to stop you.

Step 1: Picking your topic[edit | edit source]

How about: That one time, Donald Duck got mad at me because of <insert improbable scenario here>.

Picking the right topic for you is the key to your failure. Picking a topic on a subject you are familiar with, feel confident with or even so much as know how to spell, that you should immediately disregard it. You need to pick the most obscure, bullshit, mediocre and imaginary subject you can think of. There are a number of ways to do this. An effective method is to simply combine two words that come to mind without putting your brain into gear first. I'll do an example first and you follow my lead:

Example:
White + Supremacy = White Supremacy

HowTo:Cook + Shit = HowTo:Cook shit

Banana + Jacket = Banana Jacket

And the list goes on. Of course the article may already exist, because of Uncyclopedia's tendency to have all its content formed via this cheap and effective method. Another way is too simply click random article on Wikipedia and write a parody of the topic you land on, the stubbier the better. Other notable topics include: Fisher price, Julia Gillard, hate art towards an uncyclopedia sysop, BUTT POOP!!!! and other in-jokes that will soon be forgotten.

Right, got your article title all set out? We can begin to actually write the thing, which is where it starts to get really crappy.

Step 2: Write a crappy first draft[edit | edit source]

Ok, there are a number of ways to produce a crappy article. You can plain and simply not give a shit and simply throw something together in 10 minutes, string random words together via this or even so far as let your 5 year old son have some input into what you are writing. But the best way, to make it genuinely bad is to try and write good, more often than not when you try and write a good article it will turn into some rubbish article full of memes from 2007 that you forgot you inserted. This is called trying too hard, trying too hard is a key element for your success, I'd put that down in your handy dandy notebooks. If you stumbled upon a random feature, 9 out of 10 of them were featured by accident or simply because some users blindly voted without actually reading the article, very rarely is true comedy created on Uncyclopedia, with the intent of being funny. Like cat and dog, effort and Uncyclopedia, don't go together. Period.

Step 3: Make your crappy first draft, even wackier![edit | edit source]

The way to make your crappy first draft go from normal terrible to Snakes on a Plane terrible is to include a ton of insane hook-ups that make no sandwiches, mostly because the desired Dikembe Mutombo is put in second instead of first, so it's David Bowie. You understand my Serbia. How much of a Left 4 Dead you are! Why don't you understand Botswana? Are you really that Finnegans Wake? Man, what the weed are you smoking? Are you pancakes? I told you, just get some One Bourbon, One Scotch, One Beer. Now, should we move on to the next highway, or are you too Phish to do that? Terry Gilliam!

Step 4: Image selection process[edit | edit source]

Pick the crappiest, most irrelevant images, like the one below.

In 1938, this thing happened somewhere, where a few things happened to a few people, enough to start something.

Or even do some embarrassing you did on your MS Paint, like this:

Notice how "Lindsey" is misspelled? That's just one of the many flaws of this article.

Don't pick quality relevant images with witty comments on it, like:

Mindy Simmons was the attractive niece of KISS bandleader Gene Simmons. Since she's the attractive (albeit jaundiced) niece of Gene Simmons, this obviously hinders at the fact that she has more talent than her uncle does.

Step 5: Utilize old memes and in-jokes from 5 years ago[edit | edit source]

Saying something like "Dear Uncyclopedia, I think that God in creating Man somewhat overestimated His ability" is too clever for an article that stands no chance of being featured on Uncyclopedia, and even if it doesn't get featured, you might be praised by some as an underground thespian.

You want examples, well I AAAAAAAAA! AAAAAAAAA! AAAAAAAAA! AAAAAAAAA! There's your example!

Actually, seriously the AAAAAAAAA! meme was so seven-and-a-half years ago, so that's a bad example.

Make up an Oscar Wilde quote, and don't base it off of something he actually said like:


See, you shouldn't be clever, like the real Oscar, that's a big no-no, even though most of the people here wouldn't know a good quote if it bit them on the ass.

Additional tips[edit | edit source]

If you're brain-dead, racist and schizophrenic, then writing crappy articles that stand no chance of being featured on Uncyclopedia should be a cake walk for you. Just follow the voices in your head that repeatedly say the N-Word and you got a shitty article waiting to have your name on it.

See also[edit | edit source]