User:Frosty/The Chronicles of Narnia

Imagine having a bad trip and this is the first sight you see.

The Chronics of Narnia

The Chronics of Narnia, similar to The Ludes of the Rings, is a tale of four young drug users who, after an exceptionally bad acid trip and subsequent flashbacks, travel to a dream-world of magic. Peter, Susan, Edmund and Lucy Pevensie had been experimenting with hallocenogenic drugs since 1947, when LSD was released by Sandoz Laboratories. Their incident of "severely trippin' balls" occured two years later in 1949.

In the latter part of 1949 and throughout the 1950s, Lucy detailed her experience in this dream-world of magic, nicknaming the place Narnia, and bookstores began selling them in their thousands. Production peaked in the late 1960s, as hippies required something to "blow their minds" while stoned, and since The Matrix was not going to be released for another 30 years, this was the only thing that would cut it. However, raids on these books began soon after, as parents expressed concerned that their children would see the stories as an instruction manual.

Narnia's name is derived from Narni, an Italian town where Lucy spent much of her childhood foraging for wild "mushrooms".

Background

Following the ravages of The Blitz on 1940s London, the Pevensie children were relocated to a countryside estate under the care of Digory Kirke also referred to as "The Professor". Little did anyone know, but "The Professor" was merely a street name he used when dealing and producing large quantities of prohibited substances. Over the 1940s, the children grew curious of The Professor's laboratory full of strange concoctions and smells. Subsequently they began began taste testing them, really enjoying some of the odd effects they produced. One unfortunate day in 1949 the Housekeeper almost caught them in his lab, so they hid inside an old wardrobe to avoid punishment. Whilst inside, they began licking some small tabs of paper they had found. From there, the details of the series emerge.

Novel summaries

The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe (1950)

Time is heavily distorted in Narnia.

Unknown to our heroes during their initial trip, the LSD had been tainted by the first tale's primary antagonist The White Witch. As a result, the children experienced powerful visual and auditory hallucinations as well as severe cold flushes which manifested themselves as a land of enchantment full of talking animals in a perpetual state of winter. The drugs also caused severe time dilation causing the children to experience six seconds as if it was fifteen years.

Convinced that their only means of escape from this psychological prison would be to defeat the White Witch, the children team up with a talking lion named Aslan to take on her army. Once defeated, reality began to seep back in with a rapid thaw of the world, experience of time returning to normal and finally them returning to the warbrobe largely unharmed.

The professor was unhappy his LSD had been stolen, but quickly forgave the children, explaining that with the particluar batch the flashbacks were going to be punishment enough.

Prince Caspian: The return to Narnia (1951)

One year after the initial events transpired, while waiting for a train the children all suffered terrifying acid flashbacks in which they returned to Narnia. The time dilating effects of Narnia again at work, thirteen hundred years had passed since their last visit, during which the world had been radically transformed. A dwarf named Trumpkin explains that the race of talking animals have been overthrown by a race of men called the Telmarines under the rule of King Miraz and Queen Prunaprismia. To escape the acid flashback the children agree that restoring Miraz's nephew and the rightful heir to the throne, Caspian the Tenth, is their best option.

Again with the assistance of the talking lion Aslan, they overthrow the evil tyrant Miraz, thus freeing the animal class. Peter kills Aslan in close combat with swords and the Telmarines surrender, given the choice to stay under Caspian's rule or return to their home planet, earth. Upon emerging from the flashback, it is revealed the entire battle scene was Peter beating a tramp to death with a golf club in an alternated state. For this reason, he is removed from any major role in the remainder of the series due to serving a lengthy prison sentence.

The Voyage of the Dawn Treader (1952)

When under the influence, wavey brushstrokes can be mistaken for actual waves.

With siblings Peter and Susan otherwise indisposed, Lucy and Edmund find themselves in the spare bedroom of the country estate with their cousin Eustace Scrubb, ripping bongs and popping pills. Their cousin is reluctant at first, but with the threat of being labelled an "uncool square" he joins in on the fun. They once again find themselves tripping off to Narnia with a highly aggitated Eustace as he doubted the place even existed.

From the previous adventure Caspian promised to rescue the Seven Lost Lords of Narnia and the trio agree to aid him. Their adventure on The Dawn Treader with Caspian, his first mate Phince and of course their favourite talking lion is one of perilous danger, but also of self discovery. While visiting the second island on their voyage, Eustace being the uncool square that he is sneaks away so he doesn't have to help out, transforming his perceived appearance into an ugly dragon. Although eventually freed from this curse with Aslan's help, he is never quite the same again.

Once the quest is over, the children return to the bedroom where they had apparently been staring at a neglected painting of a ship for the last three hours.

The Silver Chair (1953)

Friends don't let friends use ketamine.

The Silver Chair is a perfectly valid reason why you should never, ever do ketamine. Ever. Unlike the previous adventures where they had merely hallucinated scary surroundings. Ketamine, being the hardcore dissociative anesthetic that it is, caused the heroes to experience the entire adventure through the eyes of their cousin Eustace and his friend Jill.

Charged with finding Caspian's son Prince Rilian by Aslan, Eustace and Jillian engage in a highly dangerous quest. Several times throughout they almost die by drowning, freezing to death or falling off a cliff, all of which corresponded to near overdoses thanks to the rising intracranial pressure. Although successful in returning the lost son to his father, Caspian sadly passes away shortly after. Rilian is then crowned king of Narnia.

When they finally came to, the acts they were actually engaging in it at the time, rival the terror of the psychedelic mushroom user who cooked and ate his friend's heart.

The Horse and His Boy (1954)

Not learning from their previous mistakes, the children again begin abusing ketamine and other horse tranquilizers as they are now quite addicted to the drugs. As such, they experience the life of a young boy named Shasta who is plotting to escape his abusive relationships with the aid of a talking horse named Bree. Whilst on the run, they meet a young girl Aravis and her talking horse Hwin who are escaping an arranged marriage.

The story is one of constant mistaken identities and narrow escapes, this is in part due to extensive scarring on thr frontal lobe of the brain from chronic drug use, which is responsible for the ability to recognize faces. Shasta is after being identified as a long lost brother, crowned the king of Archenland.

The Magician's Nephew (1955)

The Magician's Nephew gives a detailed account of Digory Kirke's first experience in the drug trade as a young child. It is in many respects a prequel to the series, and provides an origin story for the Professor as a drug producer and user. As with most adolescents, Kirke was an avid fan of marijuana in a rebellious phase, this story gives his first experience tripping on acid to become the first person to enter the land of Narnia.

The story features the evil white witch again, who is accidently transported back to earth by the young Digory, much to the displeasure of Aslan the lion and the local authorities. Despite the handicap of losing her magical powers and being outnumbered twenty to one, she wreaks all manner of mayhem. Once safely defeating her and returning her to Narnia, Kirke emerges from his trip, having destroyed several lamp-posts, committed a major jewelry heist and beaten several police officers to death. From this moment on, he dives deep into the drug trade because "it was so awesome."

Instructions on how to get to Narnia

The Chronic of Narnia is accessible, in fact you can get to Narnia, by going the upper westside of New York City, then checking google maps to find the dopest route. It is often determined that you have to take a taxi to 68th and Broadway - make sure you tell the cabby to "step on it sucker". But we all know we can sneak into our mamma's room when she's sleeping, take 5, 10, maybe 20 dollars from her purse, run on down to 3rd street, catch the D bus downtown, and meet a Latin American fellow named Edouard Sandoz, we know that! And we know Sandoz's stuff is the bomb!

You might want some cupcakes before hand. Snack attack motherfucker! Then you buy a ticket to The Chronicles of Narnia playing at the nearby theater. In that theater, the lion will give you the chronic of Narnia. They also have the best cup cake frostings in Narnia. Bakers Dozen! Also, There is a magical tree in Narnia that's very hard to find. It is known as The Weed Tree. The boy Digory had his first smoke there when he traveled to Narnia. Peter, Susan, and Edmund all got very sick from the weed. The White witch, also known as hilary clinton grows many of the weed trees on her lawn. she uses them to maintain control over the president, George W Bush. He has had an extreme addiction to the chronic since the late 60,s early 70's. He first was "turned on" to the chronic while hiding in a vietnamese hooch waiting for his daddy to come rescue him. when Bush Sr finally found little Georgie, he was eating his own feces babbling about ruling the world with his lover fidel castro. since then he has been a slave to the chronic of narnia and would do anything to anyone at anytime to get some. He even knocked down the world trade center looking for the hidden chronic of narnia that rumsfield and rice told him was hidden in the walls. later they told him that the terrorists had stolen it, named it bin laden and stashed it in iraq. since then he has been searching under every rock for bin laden because he is jonesing hard. on quiet nights, if you are near the white house you can hear him roaming the halls crying for chronic. Since January 09, there has been much hope that the Chronic will be legalized as the current president Barak Obama is an avid user. He usually indulges in a bong load of narnias finest chronic before appearing on television because he says it relaxes him, and it is from its sweet protective cloud that he makes most of his most stressfull decisions concerning our economy and our future.

Documentaries

There have been two famous shockumentaries about the Chronic of Narnia. The first was based off a book about the lion's early days and partway into his drug-dealing days called The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, The Bitch, and Her Wardrobe the film was a massive success and opened many people's eyes to the horrors of the chronic of Narnia. This soon skyrocketed Director Spike Lee's career.

Then there was one that has been lampooned in a famous SNL sketch. It goes by the same name and is called Lazy Sunday. Lazy Sunday is similar to the documentary Harold and Kumar go to White Castle, because it chronicles a long, heroic journey to get some of that shit, homie!

Dr. Dre has recently started a new breed of weed called the Chronic of Narnia.