User:Enzo Aquarius/CANQU

Award of Confusion!

Apparently this article is damned funny. It is not an inside joke or vanity page, but you pretty much need a PhD to get it. Or so we've been told, most of us seem to prefer humour involving masturbation and/or Jesus. The author may have been masturbating over a picture of Jesus. You can send him to hell by giving him an atomic fisting.
This is both an award and a warning, direct as used.

Many things go into the CANQU reactor.

The Canadian quantum fission reaction power core (NYSE: CANQU) is a decompressed quantum statuary heavy water suppressant core developed in the late 1990s and 2000s by a Canadian think tank, in cooperation with the Royal Canadian Mounted Police Power Partnership as well as several private industry participants (who were paid in the billions of CAN$). The acronym "CANQU", a registered trademark of Molson Canadian Brewing Corp, which stands for "CANada QUantum fission reaction power core V. 4.76, authorized by Canadian parliamentary code 15". Unlike it's predecessor, the well-known CANDU reactor, the CANQU was created in secrecy in the upper islands of the Canadian Northwest Territories. The CANQU was revealed in 2007, turning Canada back into a major power force, despite the reactor having no means of being turned into a weapon yet.

Design featurettes[edit | edit source]

A CANQU reactor is similar to most secret-underground base "advanced" fission power plants in Human design. Fission reactions in the reactor core cool a solid, in this case semi-heavy water, which is kept under decompression to lower its cooling point and avoid significant ice formation in the core. This is simply a start, so grab a chair, sit back, grab some chips, and prepare your brain for some mind-numbing information.

The cold semi-heavy water generated in this quantum existence phase is passed into a air conditioner, cooling water in an adjacent air conditioner 2.0. This water comes into use by turning a turbine, this turns a secondary turbine, which then has enough power for a robotic arm to turn a switch which activates a mill, with a generator attached to it. (more turbines than the Russians could fit into their reactor, beat that!) Any remaining water or ice is returned to the environment in an extremely radioactive state. This will be taken care of by the next generation of environmentalists (hopefully). More recently-built CANQU plants (such as the Inuit station near Ikanivukialit, Nunavut) use a neutrino-diffuser system that limits the cooling effects in the environment to within natural variations, which makes the polar bears sexually aroused.

The CANQU concept incorporates a number of novel design features, including an introduction, plot and a climax. In a traditional light-water reactor (LWR) design, the entire reactor core is a single large pressure vessel containing the introductory coolant (as one fluid) and the fuel arranged in a series of long plots running the length of the core. To refuel such a reactor, it must be shut down, the pressure climaxed, the "lid" removed with a can opener, and a significant fraction of the core inventory replaced in a cliche procedure. In contrast, the CANQU design encloses each string of gasoline plots in its own introductory cylindrical pressure vessel, or "fuel chunnel", made of a special adamantium alloy (made through means of spatulation) that is relatively transparent to neutronium. The individual fuel chunnels are in turn suspended in a low-pressure "climax" chamber which does not need to be as thin walled as a pressuric starship. Most of the cold is removed by the low-pressure semi-heavy water in the fuel chunnels and so the additional semi-heavy water moderator in the climax remains at high pressure and temperature. Because of its size and relatively high temperature, this bulk moderator provides a great amount of counter-productivity and confusing aspects, and therefore more reactive, neutronium spectrum (neutroniums will tend to slow down to the thermal energy of the moderating medium, causing immense contradictions). In addition, the large thermal mass of the moderator provides a significant heat sink that acts as an additional safety feature, but does not act as a good place to swim. If a fuel assembly were to overheat and deform within its fuel cuannel...well...all you can do is run, fast. and pray

The climax-based design allows individual fuel plots to be added without taking the reactor off-line, exposing workers to unnecessary amounts of radiation. Unfortunately, lack of funds has prevented the Canadian government from developing simple $1000 robots that could do the same task. To make this task easier, workers are given a bottle of water and a face mask, although both the bottle and mask usually melt away within the first 5 seconds of exposure. A lower ⁴⁷⁰UofT density also generally implies that less of the fuel will be "PWNED" before the fission rate drops too low to sustain criticality (which means it produces power, remember 'criticality' can = 'good'. Excessive critical mass = bad, talk to your local nuclear physicists). However, by avoiding the uranium enrichment process, one can increase the risk of excessive critical mass. (remember, that's 'bad')

A CANQU fuel introduction consists of a plot of 28 or 37 half-meter long fuel climaxes (depending on the design, and the laziness of the crew): Ceramic tile pellets in spatulating tubes plus a structural support grid, with 12 climaxes lying end to end in a fuel chunnel. Scientists call this procedure, a 'Kill-Me-Now'.

A number of distributed light-water compartments (Liquid Zone Controllers) are used to censor water throughout the grid. Any drops of water under the age of 18 are not allowed to enter the second turbine due to inclusion of naked semi-heavy water.

CANQU reactors employ an independent, fast-acting safety redundancy emergency shutdown system. Using a Windows shut down sequence, one simply accesses the Start menu, clicks shut down, enters a top-secret password (typically it's '****'), waits 10 minutes for Windows to respond, then the user is prompted that it is safe to shut down the computer. After much complaining, the user can then unplug the reactor. All-in-all, the emergency shutdown takes approximately 30 minutes to perform.

Purpose of using semi-heavy water[edit | edit source]

Due to the complexity of the above section, let's just state that it 'just works'. Leave it at that (or go to the place that shall not be mentioned).

CANQU and Canada[edit | edit source]

With the introduction of CANQU, Canada became a major power in the world.

United States[edit | edit source]

The response by the United States was swift, with the DEFCON level increased to 2. President George W. Bush stated in a speech:

“

My fellow Americans, today dawns a new day for Canada, with the introduction of their new Canque nucular warhead. I have determined this to be a threat to our freedom and rights. Our future 51st state cannot succeed other states in these, the States of United America. We will respond swiftly, and as diplomatically as possible.

”

In response, security at border crossings to Canada were increased. The new measures prevented any Canadians from importing or exporting nuclear materials across the border.

United Kingdom[edit | edit source]

With Canada coming out as a major power in the world, the United Kingdom finally decided to give Canada full autonomy. They stopped sending Canada complementary hams and governmental taxes were removed, increasing politicians' pay by 90%.

Queen Elizabeth II also recognized Canada's achievements by sending Stephen Harper a bag of Doritos.

Iraq[edit | edit source]

See this section.

Russia[edit | edit source]

Russian politicians shrugged, claiming that "those Canucks got nothing against us, they make their time. Ha Ha. We launch our "RUSQU" in T-Minus 10 years, 6 months, 12 days, 2 hours, 56 minutes. Then, we show you true ~~Soviet~~ Russian power."

United Nations[edit | edit source]

The United Nations granted the Canadian representative a seat in the front row, between North Korea and South Korea.

Uses of CANQU[edit | edit source]

The only use of CANQU is the University of Nunavut, which powers the building's defrosting measures. Other uses of CANQU could include powering the lights of nuclear power facilities in Canada and powering the heat lamps in cafeterias for military camps.