User:Col.swordman/Secret real userpage
Colonel Swordman is a total dick, and nobody likes him. Everybody is just nice to his face, and then makes fun of him behind his back because he sucks so much. This one time, he brought me and a bunch of his friends out to this fancy Italian restaurant, and I thought we were going to split the bill. But it turns out all his friends "forgot" their wallets, so I had to pay for everyone. Even the tip!
Appearance[edit | edit source]
It's like God took a brick of shit, covered it in shit, and then threw it into an ocean of shit full of shitfish. That's what Colonel Swordman looks like.
I remember this one time, when we were out at this roller rink. He went up to this girl and was like, "Hey, do you wanna go get a burger or something?" And she said yes, but then she totally blew him off.
Later, I asked her why she did it, and she said it was because he looked like shit. I can't argue with that kind of logic, because it's true. That's really what Colonel Swordman looks like.
Star Trek[edit | edit source]
Colonel Swordman thinks Star Trek is a stupid show, but I like it. When I tried to argue with him about it, he told me that a photon torpedo could never possibly fit into a warp drive, and just walked out the door. I tried to ignore his remark, but he came back after getting pizza, and for three whole hours kept reminding me that Sulu was gay. But I know who's really gay. Colonel Swordman. That's who.
Squirrels[edit | edit source]
All Colonel Swordman can do when he sees a squirrel is make lame testicle jokes.
Like, this one time we all saw a squirrel in the park and Colonel Swordman was like, "Dude! I can see your nuts!" and then laughed hysterically. No one thought it was funny, but we all still laughed, just to be polite. Not that Colonel Swordman deserves it. He's just not funny. He's got this real obnoxious laugh too. And he snorts. People actually walk away when he starts laughing because they can't stand to hear it, especially after Colonel Swordman has made another lame squirrel joke. Besides, what kind of guy talks to a squirrel, anyway?
The Hoax[edit | edit source]
He always tells people he is the President. That is totally not true. I know him. Fucking liar. Colonel Swordman is not, and has never been the President. Seriously, who would ever vote for such a loser? But he always says it anyway, and people are stupid so they believe him. I mean, c'mon.
This one time, we were out at this park, and I was talking to this really hot girl, and I'm about to ask for her phone number, and then Colonel Swordman goes up to her and he is all, "Hey, baby, I am the President of the United States." And she was like, "No way, really?" And he was like, "Yeah, I totally am." But then I went up and I was like, "That's totally not true, he is never the President." But it was too late. She believed him anyway because he's a liar, and he's really good at lying because he does it so much.
I remember this one time he told me, "Dude", I'm totally good at lying because I do it all day.” And it's true. Colonel Swordman is a total liar, and nobody likes him when they find out he's a liar, which is usually never because he's so good at it. It's just not fair.
You remember that proposal for a dedicated clan to deal with our 200 articles on Australia? Totally my idea. But that jerkwad took all the credit, just like always. What a jerk, that Colonel Swordman.
My Refrigerator[edit | edit source]
One time I found a bite taken out of my sandwich that I had left in there. Colonel Swordman denied doing it, but I knew it was him. I asked him, "If it wasn't you, then who could it be?" and he said, "It might have been a hungry burglar." Then I asked him, "If it was a burglar, then why was nothing else missing?" Instead of answering me he just turned up the volume of the television and changed the channel to Cartoon Network. Loser.
Plus, Colonel Swordman watches totally lame cartoons, where the characters like to make lame testicle jokes a lot.
Speaking French[edit | edit source]
What an idiot. He acts like he is all high and mighty, speaking French to everyone, just because he wants everybody to like him, and think he is smart. Like anyone will ever think that.
Nobody will ever like Colonel Swordman. He only knows one phrase in French (“Il Y A Un Poisson Dans Votre Bibliothèque, Pouvoir j'observe Vos Fesses?”), which translated means "there is a fish in your library, may I observe your buttocks?" Asshole. Nobody wants to hear that. Seriously, what a dick. Even the French aren't as bad as Colonel Swordman. This one time, he was like, "Hey there my French friend" to some random person who wasn't even French (and definitely not his friend) and the person smiled at him, even though he was thinking "what a dick." Because that's what Colonel Swordman is.
Phone Calls[edit | edit source]
When I asked Colonel Swordman why there were $200 worth of long distance calls on my phone bill, he just told me it must have been a chatty burglar, and went out to get some more pizza. After he came back I asked him if he was going to pay for the phone bill, and Colonel Swordman said he wouldn't, because everyone he calls doesn't want to talk to him anymore.
Gee, I wonder why?
He Likes the Penis[edit | edit source]
Colonel Swordman totally likes the penis. This one time, he was over at my house and we were playing Halo, and he was screen-looking because he's such a cheating asshole. Then, he leaned over and was like, "Hey, dude, I totally like the penis." Normally, I wouldn't believe him because he lies so much, but I believed him this time because there's so much corroborating evidence. I always see him looking at guys, and saying things like, "Hey dude, I bet that guy has a great penis, and I should know- I'm a penis expert, because I like the penis."
He also stands at the urinal next to someone rather than taking the one two spaces down. How gay. Colonel Swordman is definitely a gay person. Maybe the gayest person. I think so.
Give Me My Twenty Dollars Back[edit | edit source]
Asshole. This one time, Colonel Swordman came up to me in the locker room after gym class because we have gym class together. He was like, "Dude, can I borrow twenty dollars?" And I was like, "Dude, no way, you won't pay me back." And he was like, "No, dude, I totally will." And I believed him, because he's such a good liar. But he never did.
Now not only do I not have my twenty dollars, I also always have to cover up my penis at the urinal while he speaks French and makes some lame testicle jokes.
Fuck Colonel Swordman[edit | edit source]
Seriously.