User:BAGEL/jelly
First off, coffins are not dead boxes. They are coffins. A coffin, as defined by Merriam-Webster, is "a box or chest for burying a corpse." See, it is a box for dead people, not a dead box. Plus, coffins are to be buried. Dead boxes are not a burrowing creature. Dead boxes are not possums or earthworms or diseased sea urchins. Now that the rumor that coffins are dead boxes has been put to rest, let's get on to dead boxes.
Dead boxes are feral creatures. They can be found almost anywhere. They are thought to have been around for almost two hundred years, but almost none appear in the fossil record.
Habitats[edit | edit source]
Dead boxes are quite capable at adapting themselves to almost any environment. Their origin habitat is unclear, but Wikipedia claims the first dead box originated in England during the early 19th century. However, it was believed by my dear brother that they first came from places called warehouses or shops. Speaking of my dead brother, he fought a dead box once. He won just like that time he fought the Thunderstorm of 1976 and kicked it's ass.
In the jungle[edit | edit source]
The mighty jungle. The dead boxes creep in the night. But not an actual jungle. An urban jungle. A city. Many dead boxes are found in the city. In a city, the dead boxes often serve a purpose. Many devour homeless people. This is pretty fucking cool.
Dead boxes thrived following the 2008 global economic collapse after several people were evicted from their homes. The dead boxes laid in wait to eat all the bastards who had purchased homes they could never pay for. This is why you have not seen any real increase in homeless people begging you for change.
In pornography[edit | edit source]
Dead boxes are often a staple the porn industry. They can be seen in almost every movie. Except gay porns. Or amateur porn. The boxes seen in amateur porn are not dead boxes. Any of Jenna Jameson's films feature her dead box. Some people call the dead boxes of women, "disease-ridden vaginas."
Dietary needs[edit | edit source]
As stated before, a dead box needs to feast on the flesh of homeless people.
Death[edit | edit source]
Most dead boxes die from fire, water-damage, or inadequate pest control. Almost zero dead boxes receive proper burials. Most just get tossed in the back of a garbage truck as if they were trash. We must stop this. Please save the dead boxes. Saving the Darfurian gay whales is far less important than saving dead boxes. This is fact.