University of Connecticut
“Yahhhhhhhhhhhh go Huskies... wait, where am I???”
“OH SHIT!!!!!”
The "University" of Connecticut or UConn is the greatest pyramid scheme ever to come out of the great state of Connecticut. "Students" are forced to pay exorbitant sums of money in order to stay in a frozen death camp for four years, all in order to receive a fancy piece of paper. It is unknown why "students" continue to fall into this trap, perhaps they are too stupid or maybe many are lured in by the copious amounts of alcohol stored on campus.
History[edit | edit source]
Many years ago two brothers decided to get as far away from the nearest city as they could in Connecticut, thus Storrs, Connecticut was born. That is one theory, another is that The Storrs Brothers were playing darts with a map of Connecticut, they decided on the first place they hit.
Soon after its founding Storrs became the home to over 3,500 cows and under 10 people. The cow society functioned well for a while, there was peace and ice cream for everyone.
Then the trouble started. People in Connecticut realized that there were no good universities in the state (Really, who wants to go to Yale???) so they began looking for a suitable option. The cow society of Storrs was chosen for some reason, construction soon began. As with anything at UConn construction took forever to plan and was completed years after the target date. At any rate classes began and the pyramid scheme was on.
In order to increase the size of their scheme the university branded itself. They chose the Husky Dog as the mascot at random, I mean come-on why a Huskydog??? It has nothing to do with Connecticut... Anyway the University grew and grew. Soon the University was too large to effectively manage, riots broke out and continue to break out every weekend before finals week. Most of the tuition costs now goes toward paying for cops just to police the campus, even though they do a terrible job.
So the proud history of UConn continues on today, Children all across Connecticut grow up hoping they too can be conned into this great scam.
Amount of planning that went into the main campus[edit | edit source]
Sports[edit | edit source]
It is well known that sports are way more fun and more important than education, therefore the financially crippled university spends millions on maintaining the most kick ass sports teams in the north east. This way everyone overlooks how piss poor the education really is. All students do their part by being as disrespectful to the opposing team as possible so as to ensure victory for the huskies.
Football[edit | edit source]
The Football team is pretty good, except at passing and kicking and catching and defense and advancing the ball and all that stuff, but overall they are pretty good...........BLACK GUYS, hollla!
Men's Basketball[edit | edit source]
The Basketball team is the best college team to ever play the game, except when the other team cheats, which they do from time to time. This is how the average UConn basketball game ends:
The ghost of Doug Wiggins looms over Gampel Pavillion practicing/missing free throws and throwing shoes of Gavin Edwards over the powerlines. He is also seen eating a nudey burrito next to People's Bank and wishes he got money. It is said the basketball team explores underground caves and are really a team put together by the FBI to find a mystical "beer river" that flows under Huskies bar and to Tequila Cove. It is said former UConn basketball player Ray Allen found it, when he found it an Irish cleric renamed his old slave name from Ray Pastrami, to Ray Allen, because you can have two first names when you meet the cleric of the mystical beer river. He was also granted the luck of the irish cleric and was eventually signed by the Boston Celtics.
Women's Basketball[edit | edit source]
Good really doesn't describe this team. If you know another team that is going to play UConn you can just tell them to give up because it will save them embarrassment. The team practices but it is not really necessary. Some at the school actually want the team to try less because it will give fans a reason to come to the game and check the score. It's not really that the other teams are bad it is just that UConn deserves its own league, but the NCAA has yet to create anything better than division 1. Now if only anybody else on Gods green earth gave a shit about Womens Basketball, this would matter. But they don't. So it doesn't.
Academics[edit | edit source]
Classes are a grab bag. You never know if you are going to get a class that is a joke or one that is ass ripping hard and likely going to make you insane. Sometimes classes can be like Anthropology and you could never attend a class and walk away with an A. Other times you take intro Biology and feel like your brain is going to explode with information. In those cases it doesn't matter matter how much you look at the 200 dollar book you had to buy, it's just going to be an expensive sleeping pill in the end.
One exception to the unknown are Chemistry classes. From Intro Chem to Organic to Physical and Analytical Chemistry was made for the criminally insane. If you want to spend every waking moment studying equations and reactions then by all means become a Chem major. If you want to have any kind of life or sanity then stay far far away from the Chem Building, It may look cool and new and everything but that's only a trap STAY AWAY. If you chose to torture yourself in the lovely building then at the very least you can know that the mental health services is located less than 140 feet from the Chemistry Building, you will need to stop by often!
All in all the quality of its academics is vastly underwhelming, causing every other sentient being in the universe to ask the obvious; "Why the hell do they think so highly of themselves?"
Alternative meanings for UConn[edit | edit source]
- Conn U - specifically they conn the people going there
- U-Conn't get in
- U-Cons! We had two murders on campus in the last year. And about 90 arrests during Spring Weekend.
Spring Weekend[edit | edit source]
Spring Weekend is The University of Connecticuts weekend of partying that every other school has that they just happen to think is better than everything else's in the world. Most likely this is due to the fact that on this day they get to break things to let out the tension built up by months of doing nothing on every other weekend. One moronic student was quoted saying- "Spring, Spring Weekend is AWESOME!!!! Whoooooooooooo!!!!! I mean, I mean like really its like soooooo great, there's like parties and stuff and people and stuff and like music and great people, oh did I already say that? Well anyway its the best, even the cops are great, Its like they want to be your friends and stuff. Sometimes they'll even let you spend the night with them over at the station."
A classic spring weekend pastime.