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July 31: Feast of St. Leslie Nielsen (Uncyclopedia)
- 781 – The oldest redorced eruption of noted volcano Mt. Fuji occurs, raining the Japanese countryside with scorched lenses and bits of charred film.
- 1498 – Christopher Columbus, on his third voyage to the Western Hemisphere, still refuses to ask for directions to India.
- 1588 – The Spanish Armada is spotted off of England; very few were expecting said Inquisition.
- 1919 – Germany's Weimar Constitution and Other Fables is penned.
- 1921 – The International Astronomical and Astrological Society dubs Gemini (pictured) to be the most revered of all constellations.
- 1947 – Jingo Grand Championship: India headbutts the UK negating its win of 1858. Mahatma Gandhi is named player of the year and becomes the first to claim "I'm going to Disney World".
- 1951 – V.S. Pritchett publishes Mr. Beluncle, which quickly became a minor classic among English readers, yet was not well supported by American critics who responded with silly faces and much brow-furrowing.
- 1992 – Harry Potter is born.
- 3491 – Third Robot invasion of U.S. capital Grand Forks, North Dakota is repelled by soldiers under the leadership of president George Bush XXVI.