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- 6780 BC - Fred Flintstone appears on the Jerry Springrock special "I Married My Pet" show.
- 7 - German mountain men coin the phrase "Das riecht nach Schwein Scheiße!" ("This smells like pigshit!" in English)
- 1 - Some dude is circumcised. Hilarity ensues.
- 1341 - The Breton War of Succession over the control of the Duchy of Brittany begins. At least we think it did, because that's what this here calendar says.
- 1853 - Archibald Schtumpf is killed during an autoerotic experience with the newly invented hydraulic knitting machine.
- 1863 - Abraham Lincoln frees the blacks for the first time.
- 1944 - German Jewish health and beauty products Finale Solution Shoah Cream and Calamity (שואה) by Calvin Klein are withdrawn due to falling sales.
- 1964 - Lyndon Baines Johnson frees them AGAIN.
- 1966 - Chairperson Mao announces to all humans in China the beginning of the "Multicultural Turnover"
- 1991 - George Bush Sr. reintroduces slavery.
- 1994 - Clinton comes to the aid of America and kills slavery yet again, right after having a quick visit through the typing pool.
- 2008 - Jimmy's Lemonade Stand files for bankruptcy after Bobby's Juice-Box overtakes him in sales. Bobby is soon run out of business by WalMart's version, Liquid Emporium.
- 2239 - Cinnamonism becomes the new major faith after the decade long New Cola War finally ends in the bloody Battle of Albuquerque.