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- 1108 - The Earth cooled down and life multiplied way too quickly and ruined the entire planet.
- 1420 - Johannes Gutenberg becomes a father, names firstborn son "Steve".
- 1609 - Council of Antes declares that peas will henceforth be eaten with a fork.
- 1882 - First obscene phone call made, crude equipment mandates heavy breathing when careless whispers can not be heard.
- 1900 - Families all over the world clamor for Jell-O for their just deserts.
- 1962 - Lee Harvey Oswald (Pictured) fucks up first attempt to kill JFK so badly the attempt goes unnoticed until 1986, when a remodeling crew fixes the bullet hole.
- 1970 - The Partridge Family thinks it loves you, but what is it so afraid of?
- 1971 - An Environmental Teach-In attempts to celebrate Earth Day. The event was a miserable failure because it was discovered that Earth was actually created on September 26.
- 1981 - A second failed assassination attempt on Ronald Reagan takes place, the shooter's motive being Reagan's films which the shooter declared, "sucked".
- 2002 - WWE star Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson invents the ability to refer to himself in the fifth person.
- 2022 - Darth Vader gets his voice box fixed after decades of agony.