UnScripts:UnSitcom! Episode 2: Interpretation
INT. HOSPITAL CORRIDOR.
The usual hustle and bustle of the surgical ward of a hospital is seen, and the camera is positioned as the first-person POV of a doctor walking down the hall. We hear a narrator's voice over the cacophony.
Interpretation. Impression. Paradigm. There are many words used to describe the way in which we see the world we live in. Indeed, without the ability to see things as we do, it would be impossible to live. For instance, most of you viewers would look at this scene and interpret that this was the surgical ward of a hospital, and that the episode's storyline would be set in this hospital. Since the screenwriters had interpreted the episode in the same way, you would be right in your interpretation. Without this interpretation, there would be no way for you to make sense of what you were seeing.
Interpretation is fundamental to life. But all too often, problems arise as interpretations don't match. An attending instructs his intern to do a job, but the intern does something else entirely. A word that sounds like a threatening slur from one mouth becomes a friendly form of greeting when spoken from another. People interpret even the development of life as we know it differently, though one of these interpretations is plain retarded.
I have faced this problem of interpretation myself in life. Indeed, while editing a humor website that parodied Wikipedia, I had chosen to make my professional credentials very clear to one and all. However, since usernames were never interpreted in a serious manner, nobody ever really considered me to be a doctor.
But now you people know. My name is Dr. Amadeus Skull.
I am an employee of the Sacred Graceful Heart of Seattle Hospital. And this is my story.
Camera pans to show narrator's face, which looks completely oblivious of his own narration. A rip-off of the Grey's Anatomy logo appears against a white background.
Skull walks into a ward, led by a conspicuously pretty intern.
So, Mr. Borat. You seem to be having abrupt seizures for no conceivable reason?
Nein! Evil Jew here! Get her out! OUT! (begins seizing)
Oh no! Get a crash cart ready!
No, don't! Miss Intern, leave, now!
I SAID GET OUT YOU JEWISH BITCH!!!!
The Jewish Bitch gets out.
Oh, thank you sir. You see, I can detect the evil within Jews so powerfully, my body cannot handle it. I am truly grateful for your service.
Nurse, get him to psych. And make sure he never comes out.
But no! I am not crazy! There is true evil inside Jews! HEIL HITLER! HEIL HITLER!!!! (is dragged out kicking and screaming.)
INT. CORRIDOR JUST OUTSIDE WARD.
Skull arrives and spots the Intern.
So, what was the problem?
THE MAN HAD A MENTAL PROBLEM WITH JEWS!! HE'S CLINICALLY ANTISEMITIC!!! YOU SHOULD HAVE GONE TO PSYCH, NOT TO ME!!!!!!!
Okay, no need to yell.
YOU SHOULD HAVE TAKEN RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR PATIENT, YOU STUPID BITCH!!!! YOU ARE AN IRRESPONSIBLE INTERN!! YOU CAN'T INTERPRET JACK SHIT CORRECTLY!!!!
Okay, stop! You're not talking any sense and my ears are bleeding!
Dr Skull follows sound of Commanding Voice to the office of a commanding guy.
What kind of behaviour was that, Dr. Skull?
You know what? I don't have any time for this.
If you leave, Dr. Skull, I'm going to make some sort of earth-shattering threat that'll make you crawl right back in here!
Dr. Skull hesitates, then making the bitter, resentful face of a man outwitted, walks back in and sits down on the desk.
Now, will you explain what just happened back there?
Look, it's nothing really....
Alright, alright! It's just, you know that website I go to, right?
Yes, Chief. You know, something happened there...
Hmm...did it get shut down or something
? Because that would totally change my plans for the evening.
And that bothers you?
Yeah...I mean Benson
was so much fun to be with, you know...and now he's gone. It's totally clouded my perception of everything.
You know, not a day goes by that I don't think of him. And any time I face a challenge, I am just compelled to think...what would Benson do?
And this is how this....Benson would behave? By yelling and being rude to people?!
(looks both shocked and amused)
Well then, Dr. Skull, you've just earned yourself a day off. Go back home and clear up the mess inside your head. I can't have my patients and staff members suffer your Bensonism
Whatever you say, chief. (leaves)
Hey, Skully! What'd the Chief call you up for?
You know what? I don't care if you judge me. I've worked my ass off since med school to get here, and I can afford a few tantrums! No no no, you don't get to speak! You'll have plenty of time for that when you're gossiping with your fellow colleagues. Must be a real boost for you, right? Everyone knows how badly you wanted to rise up the ranks, and how I was your biggest competition! Well, sir, enjoy your victory for now! Because the next day, I'll be back with a bang! You, and that slutty bitch who was once my wife but now has an on-and-off relationship with you
won't know what hit...YOU! Good day!
Boy, is that one troubled dude.
I can hear you, Mark.
What the hell was that?
You do know that this is a sitcom, don't you?
I do. I was just playing you! BURN!
Okay, this is getting kinda lame.
INT. SOME CLOSET. OR IS IT THE ON-CALL ROOM?
Dr. Skull is sitting all lonely and miserable when some corny love song begins playing in the background. As if on cue, he begins weeping buckets.
Interpretations. Impressions. Paradigms. Fundamental to our way of life. Fundamental to the way we deal with everything that happens to us. But sometimes, life sucks. And by extension, our interpretation of life sucks too. Or is it the other way around?
The rip-off of the Grey's Anatomy logo now appears against a black background.
Will the UnSitcom! recover from the lameness of this episode? Do we have anything better to show that moronic Conservapedia vs Liberapedia stories and stupid TV show spoofs? No we don't, but there will be another episode of UnSitcom! coming up anyway!