EXT. STREETS OF CALIFORNIA.
A ditzy chick named Emilia is roaming around with bags full of bling.
So, like, my name is Emilia, as in Emilia Fox, and like, my life is SO amazing. I'm, like, the heiress to this fancy hotel chain, so like, even though I haven't gotten a job or anything since finishing high-school, I can like, do all the shopping I want to decorate my pad with like, all these cute things!
Camera pans to show her collection of cute knick-knacks, such as stuffed pink puppies, cute white teddy bears, and paintings framed in wood and silver.
I like, made my rounds in the mall. The luxury brands have, like, the best stuff, but I'm a sucker for quality you know. I have no patience for like, scam artists who wanna rip me off because they think I'm a gullible rich bitch. My role model is, like, Elle Woods from Legally Blonde, but I don't know if I could ever be as talented as her, you know?
Suddenly, a blinding light envelops the scene, causing Emilia to be knocked backwards and her stuff to fall to the floor. As soon -as the light fades, Emilia looks around and finds herself in a strange land reminiscent of Sengoku Jidai-era Japan.
(no longer narrating)
Poppy anime intro to Re:Zero, my life in FantasyLand plays now!
Oh bugger me, where the hell am I? My pad was just a few blocks away for Christ's sake!
Christ! So are you a believer too, miss-uhhhh...
Emilia turns around to see a guy in a ragged kimono facing her.
Okay, like, what the hell is going on?
That's what I want to know. How's a Christ-worshiper still around in this part of town! Weren't you all executed by the Yamato-Damashiis?
Like, I don't know who you're talking about, but I'm not from here, weirdo, so see you!
Man grabs her hand before she can leave.
Wait, could you be...an immigrant!
HEY, I said get away from me!
It is not safe for immigrants to stay here! Come with me if you want to live, Ojou-san!
Wha-what do you mean?
If anyone finds out who you are, you'll be in serious danger! You must come with me!
Emilia accompanies the man until they reach a trail leading to a nearby forest.
So, like, you never told me who you are, you know.
(blushes in embarrassment)
Oh right, where are my manners? (stands at attention) Ronin Subaru Natsuki at your service! I fight for justice and peace, and I will gladly die for this wonderful land!
Before I ran into you, I was burdened with a solemn duty. It is a duty I must fulfill soon.
A duty? Like, what's that?
I need to negotiate the return of a medallion. It's the Legendary Medallion of the Satella tha-
Suddenly, Subaru's voice gets cut off as a blade sinks into his neck. Emilia screams but fails miserably in running away.
Sorry bro. Deal's off. You should've known better than to consort with the filthy Christ-lovers.
Wha-what the fuck are you-
There is no afterlife for you, deluded God-fucker! DIE AND FACE OBLIVION!
Emilia gets butchered by a mysterious assassin.
Would you like to Reset?
Would you like to Reset? Answer yes unless you wanna die for real.
Okay, like, yes, yes I wanna Reset or whatever!
Emilia respawns at the town square, her equipment and stats intact.
Whoa, I'm like, alive again?
Emilia spots the man she recognizes as Subaru walking towards her again.
Okay, so like, the last time I went with him, I died, so I'll just avoid him and find my way back to my own world this time!
Emilia turns around and walks away. Five minutes later, she's waylaid by a gang of vicious bandits who sadistically rape and dismember her.
HEHEHE, never thought I'd get such delicious immigrant tail!
End my suffering. Now.
Bandits accidentally grant her wish by carelessly impaling her on a torture rack they'd prepared in order to vertically violate her instead of horizontally.
Goddamit, Sochi! Now we'll have to fuck a dead body again!
Eh, it's better than nothing.
Would you like to Reset?
Y'know, I had to struggle with this one a bit, but yeah I'll reset.
Emilia respawns in town square.
SUBARU!!! Let's find your Medallion of Satella or whatever!
Subaru promptly draws his sword.
Who told you about that?