Average Cop is widely held to be one of the most daring and original Hollywood action movies of recent years. Critics loved it, as it dared to go against established tradition and confront convention. Unfortunately, the average moviegoer didn't identify with it in the same fashion, and it was a spectacular flop.
In order for the reader to try and understand why this was the case, we here transcribe the original theatrical trailer in all its glory.
The screen is black. Slowly, the sound of footsteps approaching becomes louder, and the camera fades in to a shot of feet in highly polished shoes walking along a corridor. Funky 70's music is playing in the background
Cut to images of crime sleeting past the camera - burned-out cars, bank heists, burned-out buildings, shootings, jaywalking...
Trailer Voiceover Guy: One man stands alone!
Cut back to the walking feet. Camera pans up to reveal a smartly pressed police uniform.
Trailer Voiceover Guy: But one man... must rise above it all to keep the tide of petty crime from becoming a flood...
Cut to rear view of the protagonist walking down the hallway in slow-mo. Groups of unshaven, unkempt, unconventional cops stare as he passes.
Trailer Voiceover Guy: But this cop is like nothing you've seen in the movies before... So this summer... The only hope for the city... Plays by the rules!
Camera pans up over uniformed body to an utterly average face, with a friendly smile. Cut to title:
Absolutely NOT Directed By Michael Bay
Meeting With Authority Figure
Cut to interior of Police Chief's office.
Chief: Dammit Bremner, I'm taking you off the case!
Bremner: No problem sir, what's my new priority please?
Chief: Goddammit Bremner, stop doing that! Can't you go getting inspired and rush off to solve the case your way?
Bremner (puzzled): Why would I go off and solve a case I'm no longer working on sir?
Chief: God freakin' dammit man , don't you ever get mad and go off the rails?
Bremner (perplexed): No sir, I find that counter-productive.
Chief: (Heaves a huge sigh). And there's another thing Bremner, your insubordination.
Bremner (befuddled): What insubordination sir?
Chief: That's the goddamn problem man - you're never insubordinate! And you never play by your own rules! Don't you realise I haven't suspended you in the three months you've been with the department? People will think I'm losing my touch! Going soft in my old age! For god's sake, give me a reason to suspend you!
Bremner (completely baffled): Well, you're the chief, chief, you can suspend me if it'll make you feel better.
Chief: Goddamn it! Get out of my sight man!
Bremner: No problem sir. Have a nice day, sir!
The chief buries his head in his hands.
Exciting Car Chase
The evil villain's car is being chased by a cop car with sirens blaring. They race across several busy city blocks, weaving dramatically in and out of the traffic. Gunfire is exchanged. They swerve through a parade, narrowly missing several members of the marching band who shake their fists after them in comedic fashion. The evil villain's car swerves onto a side street, but the pursuing cop car doesn't. Just as the evil villain is celebrating his escape, the cop car jumps over the fence beside him thanks to a handily placed ramp and crashes through a hot-dog stand on the sidewalk, miraculously missing the hot-dog vendor. Both cars collide and crash into the front of a cake store across the road. The windscreens are amusingly covered in cream cakes. The evil villain is slumped in his car, struggling to move. With a grim smile of triumph, the unconventional cop in the cop car gets out, ready to make his arrest. A hand lands on his shoulder.
Bremner: You're under arrest for dangerous driving and recklessly endangering the lives of civilians.
McTough: Yeah sure, nice joke Bremner, now how about letting me make the collar, huh?
Bremner: You have the right to remain silent, anything you say...
McTough: Goddamn it! You're not seriously arresting me are you? I'm about to arrest the head of the single biggest crime syndicate in the city!
Bremner: I don't know about that. You broke the law. I'm doing my job.
The evil villain, hardly able to believe what's happening, crawls out of his car and starts to make a rather unsteady getaway on foot.
McTough: For christ's sake Bremner, he's getting away! Let me take that son-of-a-bitch down now, we can discuss this "arrest" later, OK?
Bremner: I'm sorry, but you broke the law. I've made my arrest, and I can't let you out of my custody - that would be a dereliction of my duty. How about we go and discuss the 18 major traffic violations I've arrested you for, and you can "go and take that son-of-a-bitch down" when they let you out of jail?
McTough: You're unbelievable, that's what you are. Fucking unbelievable!
The evil villain limps around the corner and completes his getaway.
Bremner: I'm just trying to keep the streets safe from the likes of you, lawbreaker.
McTough buries his head in his hands. Bremner handcuffs him.
The evil villain's minions have set fire to a warehouse full of incriminating evidence, leaving the sexy love interest trapped inside. Bremner and an unconventional cop are the first to arrive on the scene.
Roughauser: Man, this looks bad. OK, I'll try to salvage the incriminating evidence, you save the girl - got that?
Bremner: OK, I'll get right on it.
He dashes back to his patrol car and pulls out a laptop computer.
Roughauser: What the hell are you doing man?
Bremner: Well, technically that's private property, so we need a warrant to enter it - I'll request one online as soon as this thing boots up.
Roughauser: For fuck's sake! There's a woman in tight, revealing clothing trapped in there!
Bremner: The rules are there for a reason, you know. So I might as well do this while we're waiting.
Roughauser: Waiting? What for?
Bremner: Backup with flame-retardant clothing to arrive - do you know how many Health and Safety at work regulations we'd be breaking going in there without that?
Roughauser: Fuck Health and Safety man! If you won't help me, guess I'll have to do it myself.
Roughauser dashes heroically into the burning building.
Bremner: Drat, the warrant system's not responding. (Pause). Guess I'll check my Facebook account while I wait, then.
Roughauser crashes out of an upstairs window, holding the girl in one arm, and the incriminating evidence in the other. He lands heavily but safely in a skip.
Roughauser: Bremner, give me a hand here, she's unconscious, we need to do something!
Bremner: Sorry, I'm not a qualified first aider.
Roughauser buries his head in his hands. Cut to title card.
The most realistic cop movie you'll ever see!
| Cream of the Crap
This article was one of the Top 10 articles of 2008 (ish).