UnReviews:Plants vs Zombies war
“This is one of the only two games that i had never beaten before because the 10th level owned me so hard. The last few gargantuars literally owned by butt. (And i obviously never spent a cent and i never will.) The other one is final fantasy 20. That call of duty game over there...I don't give a rat's ass about it.”
All gamers knew that the epic disaster of gaming of epic proportions, the end of gaming as we know it, known as "the gamingpocalypse", has descended into the gamingverse. As this phenomenon expands it's significance gradually, scam artists has started to trick our innocent youth into paying more and more of their hard-earned money into virtual nonexistent bullshit. Now, we are going to review one of the worst games that descended in the gamingpocalypse; Plants vs zombies war for the ipad.
The first Plants vs Zombies was legendary...until some Epically atrocious video game company ate the company who produced it (Popcap). And it was ruined. The second one, despite popcap being eaten by EA, is still fine and i had not saw many trouble against it aside of a few pinata parties. But all good things must come to an end, and this is especially obvious at the time of the gamingpocalypse. We had become insane for you just to write this review, so you will not have to. Note that over 800 USD is used in this review so we can beat the whole game.
This game is just fustrating as hell and is on par with deathly difficult games such as I wanna be the guy. However unlike this game, I wanna be the guy is 100% free and DOES NOT scam you out of your money. I will explain this in a few aspects.
First, the zombies. the zombies are LITERALLY impossible to beat without spending coins in this game. Every and any level will destroy you completely no matter what you do. The zombie types that appear in this game are extremely annoying. For example, there is a Kicker zombie that kicks all your plants in one shot regardless of their type, even tall-nuts. It's weakness? Gianut, which they cannot kick and will tire kicking them and die. The bad news? it's a premium plant which means that you will have to pay 8 USD for it. But this is far from the worst. The worst happens to be not actually a zombie, but instead is a nuke that reveals a bullseye, then drops in and destroy all the plants in a 3X3 square, and also leaves a 3X3 square of nuclear waste that CANNOT be planted on. This thing HAS a weakness, but it is so small you shouldn't even consider it one. It is a Bunker Leaf that shields 2 nukes in the 3X3 squares, but when two nukes drop into the same range of the plant, the plant gets "Chained" and gets destroyed instantly. This is too costly in endless levels as you will have to constantly replace the leaves and put a leaf every 3X3 squares. This is impractical as 7-10 nukes drop at the same time destroying all your plants at once, and once they blast away all your defenses, there is no way to get past it and you will die. You have no way other than to constantly use power-ups and use power-ups, as well as skip the more difficult levels using 100000 coins. If you can beat level 5-9 without spending coins, you are above God.
The second problem comes from the plants. Aside of having an extremely annoying and difficult zombie roster, you get absolutely nothing to combat the zombies. All the plants you get for free are weak as hell and you do not have time to save sun for your more powerful plants, due to the powerful zombies coming as early as the second or third zombie, only to be followed by about 100-700 zombies depending on the level. You do not have enough time to prepare yourself and attempting to save sun in order to plant the more powerful plants will just get you killed, and don't forget that starting up with weaker plants then going to the more powerful plants will get you killed as well. And finally, all the good stuff such as Gianuts, Winter Melons and Twin Sunflowers will require REAL money to purchase which means that regular free players don't stand a chance.
The third happens to be the "Star" system. The "star" system is a common form of scam method used in modern "Games" and this game just takes this faggotry to the extreme. I can guarantee to you that 9 out of 10 of the stars are literally nigh-on impossible. For example the third star of level 3-9 says: Do not use any defensive plants, do not plant on dave's mold colonies, and do not lose any lawn mowers. The problem is, The "dave's mold colonies" occupy like 5 columns from the hindmost column and with all the Zombonis and gargantuars swarming en masse this is impossible even with spikerock while Kicker Zombies will destroy all your plants without any obstacle. And as all the heat pads given to you at the start are unusable because of the Mold colonies, the end result is you will get raped no matter what. So you are forced to pay 6 USD and some more of your sanity which will leave you a phobia of games for eternity.
And finally the power ups. The power ups all require at least 1000 coins to use and despite you will get 100 coins after you beat a level and about every 70 zombies will drop a coin, a gold coin or a diamond (Never saw it), it is not enough to sustain regular use like you should. As a result, you are forced to buy coins. Also, There are a few powerups that also require real money to purchase before you can use them which is bullshit. You can also use coins to purchase plant food as well, as there is only two or three regular plant food in most regular levels.
The gamingpocalypse is nothing without it's insane microtransactions. Therefore, we will reveal this for you, for the sake of your sanity. First, As of previously said, all the good things that all plants vs zombies players need such as the Twin sunflower, Cherry Bomb and Winter melon, needs REAL MONEY to purchase. And as previously said, you get NOTHING good from Defeating levels (Not to say that The levels are impossible when free), You are pretty much screwed when you don't have these plants when 100-700 zombies rush you on screen before the first wave.
Secondly, there are also upgrades that you can buy, such as 25 extra sun and additional plant food slots. Unlike in PVZ2 where you can get a few of these upgrades for free, you can't get them free in this game and i am not going to say what you will pay for them again. Obviously you need these upgrades but you will still fucking die. It's like 3 seconds of quitting versus 10 minutes of quitting.
Third, you get to buy some powerups such as a power nuke that blasts all the zombies on screen with the power of a cherry bomb. you can also buy a level skip as well and you need coins to use them after you buy it which is a scam after scam non-stop. Note that the 5th area, the world graveyard does not have lawnmowers as well and you need real money to buy them. As those levels are impossible without lawnmowers and impossible with, you are better off not buying them and break your ipad/uninstall the game as engaging in more and more microtransactions will deplete your sanity until you become a golden husk.
And finally, you can pay money for some minigames that were similar to those from Plants vs. Zombies and it's sequel. But again, those minigames were literally impossible as thousands and thousands of zombies approach the screen asking for your money instead of your brains. You can also unlock an endless zone as well, but it is literally impossible. I heard that some guy used a cheat engine and changed his flag count to 1000, then he quickly became insane in less than 6 seconds as at least 1500 zombies approach the screen along with 15 zombnukes dropping down which drove him insane and he was never to be seen again, purported to be dragged into a mental hospital because he burned his house in fear of a zombie attack.
Finally my conclusion. This game is just like a program that says: "Click me in order to pay 8 USD to me!" and you must click me or i will delete all programs you ever had!" Some might say this is a virus, but this is a video game at the tempest of the gamingpocalypse. This is the path we are going and there is no turning back, until the term gaming will end as we know it, and we can only shook in terror and the ever-growing pool of scam methods flood our brains and put us into definite insanity.
This subject is 0 out of 5 stars!
That's a giant pile of shit!
This article is part of Uncyclopedia's UnReviews series. See more UnReviews