UnPoetia:The Owl And The Pussycat (Revised for School Study)

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PLEASE NOTE: The poem has been altered slightly to make sure it gives out the correct Government message.

Poem[edit | edit source]

I[edit | edit source]

The Owl and the Tabby[1] Cat went to sea
In a beautiful pea-green boat, (They had, however, been planning this holiday, and as such, had filled out all the required Health & Safety forms, just as you should do, kids!)
They took some healthy, nutritious snacks[2], and plenty of money
Wrapped up in a five-pound note (Which was in turn wrapped safely in an envelope, sealed in a waterproof wallet, which had their names and contact details on it)[3]
The Owl looked up to the stars above, whilst still regaining complete control of the boat,
And sang to a small guitar,
"O lovely Tabby, O Tabby, my love,
What a beautiful Tabby you are,
You are, You are!
What a beautiful Tabby you are! Not to say cats that aren't tabby aren't beautiful. They are just as beautiful, yet in my personal, non-representative opinion, I prefer you as a Tabby, though I admit wholeheartedly that physical looks are not everything. [4]

II[edit | edit source]

Tabby said to the Owl, "You elegant fowl!
How charmingly sweet you sing!
O let us be married! Too long we have tarried: Though, now I think of it of course, that was necessary in order for us to reach the age where parental consent for marriage is not a requirement. [5]And besides, as the Family Planning Clinic says, it is always sensible to have a trial period before rushing into things without due preparation.
But what shall we do for a ring?"[6]
They sailed away, for a year and a day, which was only possible because they had put in the requisite planning beforehand, completed risk assessments and sought the advice of a professional navigator, nutritionist, ship captain and coastguard. [7]
To the land where the fictional Bong-tree[8] grows.
And there in a wood a pink mammal [9] stood
With a ring at the end of his nose,
His nose, His nose,
With a ring at the end of his nose.


III[edit | edit source]

"Dear Pink Mammal, are you willing to sell for one shilling
Your ring?" Said the Pink Mammal, "I will."..consult my accounts and thus decide whether this is a worthy sale, and will not proceed if I feel coerced, however, in this instance I feel it is okay.
So they took it away, and were married next day (after disinfecting the ring, of course, using government approved hand-washing technique!)
By the Turkey who lives on the hill.[10]
They dined on brown bread[11], and slices of quince, enough to fill three of their five-a-day
Which they ate with a runcible spoon[12]
And paw in wing[13], on the edge of the sand, yet still close enough to shore to be able to hail for a rescue if needed
They danced by the light of the moon,
The moon, The moon,
They danced by the light of the moon.

References[edit | edit source]

  1. ↑ Originally pussy, changed for obvious reasons
  2. ↑ As we all know, honey is bad for your teeth
  3. ↑ Packing skills are an essential part of the curriculum. You can even do GCSEs in them.
  4. ↑ See Baa Baa Rainbow Sheep and the Government's new Tolerance Guidelines.
  5. ↑ These ages are 3 for cats, and 2 for owls respectively.
  6. ↑ It should be made clear to students that rings are not a necessary part of the marital commitment, merely are used traditionally to demonstrate the binding together of a couple. Whilst these animals chose to use a ring, marriages without rings are equally valid and should not be ignored.
  7. ↑ And of course, all the while, they stayed in contact with land via radio and satellite signals, so as not to end up lost at shore. At least 3 people knew of their destination before they left.
  8. ↑ Students of a certain nature should be told in no uncertain terms that this land is fictional, and they are under no circumstances to go looking for it [See Note 4513.2/b]
  9. ↑ "Piggy-wig" rhymes too much with gollywog, so has been omitted, replacement word "pig" is too offensive to fat people, the words "pink mammal" are sufficient replacements.
  10. ↑ Turkeys are of course not normally valid to lead weddings, and only approved religious persons or registry officials should be used. Students should be reminded of the need for witnesses at weddings, and any with further questions should be directed toward AQA Religious Studies GCSE Specification B, Section 451C:12.2.1, or Leaflet 9J5RX002, available from http://www.direct.gov.uk
  11. ↑ Mince, is of course a red meat, and thus is liable to cause obesity, cancer, diabetes and death
  12. ↑ More information on runcible spoons can be found at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Runcible
  13. ↑ The line "hand in hand" has been changed to reflect the actual anatomical properties of the two main characters, in order to not confuse struggling Biology candidates
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