UnNews:Wrestlemania 87 commentary LIVE!

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Thursday, October 9, 2014

"OK, when I snort in B minor, it's time for the Croc Bottom!"
*Most hardcore theme song ever resonates in a jammed-packed arena full of noisy hillbilly drunkards, and two overly excited commentators begin their thing*

Jim Ross: Welcome to Wrestlemania 87 ladies and gentlemen!! What an amazing main event we have for you tonight, a No-Holds-Barred, No Ice Cream, No Machine gun match between the Croc and Phone Cord Steve Austin for the Undisputed WWE title. I'm all wet King, how about you?

Jerry "The King" Lawler: Same here JR. This promises to be the hardcorest match we have witnessed since about a week or so ago. I hear the special referee will be none other than Vince MoonMan, the owner of this company. Strap on your diapers, for the action is about to start.

*Music hits, 87 year old, 278 pounds of muscle Vince MoonMan walks down the aisle while looking at the crowd smugly, dressed in a referee's shirt and Calvin Klein boxers*

J.R.: And here comes Mr. MoonMan in all his glory, hellbent on removing the title from Phone Cord. I like his glutes' definition. We're awaiting the Cr...

*Overwhelming music interrupts J.R., with the lyrics: "The Croc says... Know your hole... And stuff your mouth." The Croc enters the ring under a thunder of boos*

King: Well this crowd is definitely not liking the Croc's latest molestation of a 6 year old boy we showed on Slack Down last week eh? Listen to them. I hope Phone Cord is in shape and not too twisted.

*Noise of shattered glass, followed by loud music going like this: TADA-TADA-DOOMDOOM... BOUAAARRRR!!... TADA-TADA-DOOMDOOM... BOUEEERRRR!! and Phone Cord enters the ring to the wildest acclaim ever*

J.R.: And here comes Phone Cord, the toughest purpleneck S.O.B. in the business. The crowd is going absolutely berserk! OH! The Croc slams Austin right on the kisser as he enters the ring and our match begins without any foreplay! Wow King, I can't believe what I'm seeing and receiving, namely Phone Cord's teeth!

King: Keep them as a souvenir. Hell, is that a molar?

J.R.: And Phone Cord replies with some thunderous left hooks and our challenger is down! Austin is stomping the heck out of him and piercing him some new nostrils! Oh, but a bloodied Croc fights back with a Clothesline from hell!

King: You're sure there are clotheslines in hell? I mean the clothes would just burn!

J.R.: You're a smartass! The crowd is going wild as Austin is going up on the 23rd rope... And delivers an elbow to the face of the Croc that would have dislocated a normal human being's jaw!!

King: But isn't the Croc a normal human being after all? I mean...

J.R.: Shut up! Both men are laying on the mat, a presentation of Softwaffles Mattresses. Oh! The Croc is getting out of the ring to get a steel chair! Now what the hell is he going to do with it?

King: Sit on it? OH! What a thump as this fine chair made contact with Austin's skull! Austin looks dazed! And wait a minute... WHAT?!?

J.R.: CROC BOTTOM! Austin was just hit with the Croc Bottom! And the Croc strips naked to deliver the People's Crotch Banger!... MISSED IT!! Now Austin is back on his feet and fighting with everything he's got. Kick to the midsection... A SHUNNER!! Austin just delivered the Phone Cord Shunner! The Croc is out and the crowd is going ballistic! Our special referee MoonMan counts. One! Two!... And he stops! Now Phone Cord looks about to lose his shit, just like us... And hits MoonMan with a Shunner! Another referee who was conveniently hiding under our table scrambles for the ring. ONE! TWO! THREE! Phone Cord retains his WWE title! I've never seen anything lik...

Noise of shattered glass, then: TADA-TADA-DOOMDOOM... BOUAAARRRR!!... TADA-TADA-DOOMDOOM... BOUEEERRRR!! TADA-TADA-DOOMDOOM... BOUAAARRRR!!... TADA-TADA-DOOMDOOM... BOUEEERRRR!!


Austin shows proper drinking etiquette while guzzling down beer after beer after beer following the match

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