UnNews:World mourns as Sir Cliff vows "never to sing again"!

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

11 December 2007

Cliff wows the "ladies" with his famous funky finger clicking dance, yesterday.

SHOCK AND MOURNING enveloped the world this morning after Sir Cliff Richards, 102, announced his decision to hang up his vocal chords and "retire to Cambodia to live with my great mate Gary Glitter". Thousands, if not millions, took to the street in nations across the world to express their abject sorrow at this monumentous news.

Sir Cliff Richard vowed never to sing another note as he believes that "music fans are no longer deserving of my smooth tones. I'll leave them all to their drug addled nig-nog junglist raving beat-box gangster shite."

Cliff obsessive, and failed actor, Maurice Camelfoot was inconsolable as he lay prone on a disused railway track this afternoon, "oh woe is us that Cliff might forsake the world at this, our most wanted hour. The world has lost a voice that is a sacred gift from heaven (though Devil Woman was crap). He may as well come down here in his red bus and squash me flat, for life is no longer merited for living."

Vladimir Felatiovic, Former KGB assassin and die-hard Cliff fan expressed his anger at Sir Cliff's decision to no longer sing, "In Russia, how you say ... er ... be careful to upset angry bear in winter times."

Cliff, on boarding a flight to Cambodia, offered one last hurrah for his fans as he performed an impromptu performance of 'Living Doll' and 'Wired for Sound'. The former Peter Stringfellow of pop was then tragically killed by a sudden bout of polonium poisoning.

Sources

• oh noes! ""Why Cliff WHY WHY!!!"" NOOOOOooooo, December 11, 2007