UnNews:Wiltshire police in panty promo

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5 February 2007

Constable Kantstable says the frilly version are particularly effective. Note self-satisfied expression on his face.

GUSSET, Wiltshire, Friday (UNN Lingerie) — Police in the Wiltshire village of Purton are hanging speed underwear off signs to implement a new European Commission directive on road sign visibility.

"People notice them and slow down to ogle," said Constable Kantstable from Wiltshire Police. "Only good-quality Miriale from France do the job; the Marks and Spencers 'Doreen' range cause drivers to speed up to get away."

The initiative is the British response to the topless "SLOW DOWN" sign wavers already common in Denmark. "I mean, that's just a bit Benny Hill, isn't it. And it gets cold around here."

Drivers' advocacy groups are already condemning the initiative as a blatant attempt to grab money from the poor beleaguered motorist, though they were at a loss to explain precisely how.

"We consider this one of the most important things we as police can do," said Constable Kantstable. "Much more than fripperies such as investigating murders, rapes or burglaries. Besides, accepting reports on those only sends up our crime statistics. It's far more efficient in management by statistics to tell people they have to go to London to report those. Sorry, Sarge, was I not supposed to say that bit?"

Sources

• Sid James "Carry on up the duff" Slippery when wet, January 19, 2007