UnNews:Waiter Resigns in Phone Call Scandal
29 October 2008
TORQUAY, Great Britain -- Britain was rocked today by the news that a waiter, believed to be an illegal immigrant, has resigned from a popular seaside hotel following public outcry over alledgedly obscene phone calls. Manuel Stupido Mustachio, a Spanish citizen, announced his resignation following a nationwide villification campaign resulting from the waiter's attempts to contact popular television personalities, Russell Brand and the daughter of Jonathan Woss by telephone.
The comments, left by the Spaniard on the stars' answering machine, were published unedited on YouTube and in the Torquay Gazette and Advetiser earlier this week, prompting national outrage and parliamentary questions both from Prime Minster Gordon Brown and opposition leader David Cameron.
The waiter claims that he had been instructed by his boss, a Mr Basil Fawlty, to contact Brand to ascertain whether he would be requiring Coca Cola and a selection of desserts in his room upon arrival, timed to coincide with the release Brand's latest autobiography, My Lifey Wifey. He was also asked to inform Woss's daughter that the guest house had received a job application and headshot, and that these had met with the proprietor's approval. When asked to apologise for any offence he had caused, the waiter simply offered "It no my fault really. I come from Barcelona".
Despite their scanadalous nature of the messages, Manuel's employer was slow in providing any retraction, although Fawlty is reported as having slapped his waiter around the face and called him "Stupid". The press deemed this punishment inadequate and published transcripts of the calls so that the Great British Public could make up their own minds.
Answer Phone (Woss): Hehwo. You have weached my phone. To give me mohwer cash please pwess 1. If you are my tailor, please see an optician. If you want me to mock you on my wadio show, please pwess 3. If you want to speak to my daughter, pwess 4.
Manuel: Que? 4. Say again please. He Fawlty, rang daughter. She give good head. I ring. Me and Mr Fawlty we like and want see in full-frontal.
Answer Phone (Brand): Helllllo, well, ooh you have, it should be said, reached the answerphone of moi, Russell Brand-ing-ton upon sea. Please leave a mess-e-age after the beepy-weepy, unless you are someone that I may, in by past, perhaps, have shaggified, in which case, be so pleased to press, with your index finger, the digit that is numbered 1.
Manuel: Que? Mr Fawlty he say you want Coke and tarts in room? Yes? He give if you say, but it cost extra, so he say.
Answer Phone (Brand): Beep!!!!
Manuel: So sorry. I am from Barcelona. I no understand. You want coke and tarts? He say yes. Tarts and coke is you, yes?
Brand was reported to be "upset" by the call, and Woss commented that he received the message with "a little wancour".
Mr Mustachio was unavailable for comment following the publication of the transcripts, but his former employer, a Mr Basil Fawlty, commented "I have nothing more to say. No, nothing. You should see me wife Sybil. Really, you should. Sybil? Sybil? Come here please. Yes, now dear. This is really something more in your department. You should speak with my wife - ah there you are. The papers dear. Will you deal with them? Good. Yes." Mr Fawlty then loped off, reappearing only to impersonate Hitler and hit his car with a tree branch.
His wife, Sybil Fawlty, was stated that "It's only Manuel's way. He never really means any harm you see, but he is just a little bit foreign, and well, one does have to expect such things, doesn't one? I'm sure it will all blow over. Now was it a single or a double room you wanted?"