UnNews:Voodoo to win the SuperBall
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
8 February 2010
MIAMI, Florida –- Can Voodoo black magic help a famous American Football franchise? The answer was revealed to the millions of people worldwide that
watched this epic game: yes, Voodoo can save a game and make a team "totaly own" their opponents. In fact, the Voodoo priests located in New Orleans achieved a very special curse that would make sure The Saint would win the final game of the 2010 Superball by many point spent the entire week performing; mysteriously, all the Colts players started throwing up snakes and blood less than an hour before this ultimate game, thus rendering them unable to play well enough to win the cup.
Facing this shocking news, sceptical experts and church leaders from all continents already started asking this question: why now? After all, The Saints won for the first time in this franchises history and it is well known that the home of this team is filled with Voodoo witches and wizards for centuries.
“Every year we be all praying and sacrificing our own little children in secret Voodoo rituals, but now this year it worked!” Declared the Voodoo witch Oprah Winfrey on the matter when the press questioned her in the New-Orleans Cemetery where the bloodiest ritual took place tonight.
According to the famous anthropologist Doctor Temperance Brennan “Many factors can explain the sudden positive results of this year Voodoo practices in New-Orleans: first of all Disney’s next animated movie featuring a frog and a Voodoo "princess" –the usual surname for the next maiden to be sacrificed to the Crap shooting God– brought the attention of the black population of Louisiana on Voodoo culture. But most of all it is the latest earthquake in Haiti that caused the Saints’ victory: the evil spirits usually perpetually summoned by the Haitian Government in order to keep international help away from its citizen were released when the destruction of the National Palace interrupted the Voodoo ritual. Once free, all the dark magic and the evil spirits could only be attracted by the city where the more Voodoo witches resides; the witches preparing the curse on the Colts finally had the evil power they asked for during so many years”
It is unknown if she is herself a Voodoo witch or not.
When asked on the subject, the Colts’ famous Head Coach Howard Mud briefly declared: “If that Voodoo shit is true and if my guys truly barfed damn snakes because of those assholes, well their [the Saints’] success won’t last long: just wait for the next Katrina…”
The representing officers of the Catholic Nazi Federation of Alabama are already planning to ban sports and afro-Americans in many counties in order to prevent “the Devil’s incestuous force taking form into Voodoo” so Declared its non-official spokesman, Fred Phelps.
Sources[edit | edit source]
- Ignacio Fulcrum "Who do voodoo? You do" LA Times, February 8, 2010