19 February 2011
NEW YORK, New York -- U.S. forces single-handedly defeated the rest of the world in the foyer of the United Nations building in New York Friday. The victory occurred after the U.S. government invited other countries into its back yard for a cocktail party, neglecting to inform any of them of its plans to engage in open warfare. The U.S. delivered its official declaration of war while most of Scandinavia was tucking into its dessert. Many countries were visibly stunned when the penny dropped -- the military has said it will not disclose its methods or the identity of the equipment used to commit what it termed this "co-ordinated mass stun manoeuver". Most of the world was defeated within minutes of the start of combat as courageous U.S. troops met little resistance in carrying out their endeavors, picking off the confused and weakened remnants of Albania, Ethiopia and Cambodia one by one. Some countries, such as Cuba and Venezuela, wept bitterly as they succumbed to intense U.S. pressure, while others tried to surrender -- actions dismissed as cowardly and inappropriate by commanders who ordered their complete annihilation anyway. The United Nations building was completely gutted during the operation and is expected to be demolished Monday. Exhausted but relieved U.S. officials later justified their actions, saying the war was necessary as each country had been "an obstacle to peace". The international community -- usually keen to throw around heavy-handed, accusatory words such as "massacre" and "genocide" every time a U.S. serviceman blinks -- has so far been noticeably mute in its response.
- "Israeli settlements: US vetoes UNSC resolution" BBC News, February 19, 2011
- "US vetoes UN vote on settlements" Al Jazeera, February 19, 2011
- "U.S. vetoes draft UN resolution condemning Israel's continued settlement activities" Xinhua, February 19, 2011