UnNews:Uncyclopedia will be cleansed. Just you wait.

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

9 March 2013

This one should be an image to warn you of the dangers of excessive filth but we haven't been able to find one to serve the purpose in a suitably horrible and informative way. Sorry about that. We promise to do better next time.

Shockingly, Uncyclopedia still seems to remain a cesspool of mental filth created by people who clearly have no idea what is good for them - and this after days of threats and whining on our part. Again, we at UnNews must apologise - this time profusely - for the inconvenience the reader might be experiencing when he comes across articles like this, this and this. Not to mention this or this.

To be honest, we had no idea conducting a large-scale purge in a website containing millions of articles would be so time-consuming. Think: even two of our editors have been on it for several minutes during their coffee breaks and more boring school lessons. We are at the end of our wits. Meanwhile, if you are not a right-thinking Uncyclopedian and happen to be reading this newspiece, be sure that we are looking into your activities right now. We don't want any more articles that undermine the moral vigor of the best of our young minds. We don't want our juices sapped. We don't want articles that state something is good when it is, in fact, bad. We don't want articles that celebrate oral sex, anal sex, sex with animals or other uncommon sexual activities - not even for a joke. Didn't we already warn you in this news article? Why doesn't anyone heed what someone with strong moral backbone tries to tell them?

In fact, we would much prefer it if sex was not mentioned any more on the site. What's more, we absolutely don't want any article that might titillate us to the brink of thinking that we could be elsewhere having sex. The Internet is so full of sex in any case that even a more sober person will be in danger of having sex with himself - or herself, which is even worse, because then there's a chance someone else will see that, and there will simply be no end to the sex that ensues. At least, this is what has been reported back to our editors. We have never had sex with ourselves. Ask anyone.

Note to the UnNews editors - and to others as well: sex in the newsroom is now prohibited.