UnNews:Uncyclomedia Foundation purchases Full House laugh track machine
31 July 2009
UNCYCLOPEDIA, The Internet: Yesterday, in a move that could only be described as "dishearteningly predictable," the Uncyclomedia Foundation completed a deal to purchase the Laughtronic Gizmomatic 2000 from Sit-Co, the world's largest producer of sitcom-related technology. The Laughtronic Gizmomatic 2000, as educated TV-viewers and compulsive trivia-freaks will already know, was designed and used specifically to cater to the needs of the immensely popular sitcom Full House. The famous laugh-track may be best known for its classic catch-phrase, "Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha*clap**clap**clap*." What follows is a brief test of the laugh-track: *A-hem.* How many penguins does it take to cover a doghouse? Purple, because ice cream has no bones! Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha*clap**clap**clap*
As the astute reader can see, the laugh track machine is already ringing success. Or should we say a laughing success? Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha*clap**clap**clap*
Uncyclomedia Foundation joint Grand Archwizards Chronarion and Jimbo Wales...Woooooooooooooo! *clap**clap* Woooooo! *clap**clap**clap**clap**clap**clap* ...released a statement to the press that "[t]he Laughtronic, now ours, is functioning and working towards making Uncyclopedia a funnier place through the magic of groupthink."
Bob Saget... Woooooooooooooo! *clap**clap* Woooooo! *clap**clap**clap**clap**clap**clap* ...worked with the Laughtronic for 8 seasons of prime-time Hell, more widely known as Full House. He said it was, overall, a "good experience." The ever-foul-mouthed "comedian" went on to tell UnNews that he had indeed fantasized about having sexual relations with his TV daughters on Full House, especially the Olsen twins. However, since the laugh track was set to PG-13 at the time, there was nothing but silence. UnNews reporters then cranked the dial up past "Jeff Dunham" and towards "Lisa Lampanelli."
"With my dick!" added Saget.
Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha*clap**clap**clap* replied the Laughtronic. Everything seemed to be in working order.
However, many are skeptical about the addition of a laugh track to the Uncyclopedia "team," which currently includes several hundred monkeys with typewriters, site founder Chronarion, and an accountant, who informs Chronarion once he has saved enough money to purchase more monkeys. One such monkey, named Geoffrey, was completely displeased about the laugh track, maybe. However, another, named Mr. Pibbles, might very well have said he was happy to be working with it. And, why not, Bobo said that the other two monkeys were nursing crack addictions and that their opinions should not be taken into consideration. The issue is certainly complex, I guess.
At this point, obscure yet strangely attractive 90s reference John Stamos Woooooooooooooo! *clap**clap* arr- Woooooo! *clap**clap*ARRIVED*clap**clap**clap**clap* to weigh in on the matter. In tow were several children who he was caring for in order to pay for his Southern Ohio tenement, which had begun to pile up due to his not having a job in 15 years. The children were both numerous and, frankly, much cuter than he. Naturally, their opinions were sought first.
"What's Full House? asked little Tommy Jones.
"You in big twuble, mister!" interjected a young Mary-Kate Olsen to Tommy Jones's comment. Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha*clap**clap**
"I want my mommy. Why doesn't she love me?" lamented Henry.
"She's too busy loving me even though she has a dick!" interjected Bob Saget. Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha*clap**clap**clap*
"That's cool I guess," said an indifferent and extremely cool kid named George.
The rest of the children ran into the bathroom and cowered in fear of the bright lights. Stamos walked to the door and knocked to ask what they were so afraid of.
"Bob Saget!" they all replied, to which Stamos responded:
"Oh you kids!"
- The Olsen Twins: The Early Days, and Other Stories of Creepily Childlike Innocence Preceding Their Inevitable Fall to Drug Addictions and Eating Disorders, by the E! Chanel's Board of Stalkerish Celebrity Worshippers who Write.
- The Associated Press "Uncyclopedia buys laugh track; internet collectively groans". CNN, July 31, 2009