UnNews:Ukraine conflict cynical attempt by Russia to boost Paralympic squad

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Putin has committed to making anyone who fucks with him qualify in the T54 category

4 March 2014
Russia was today accused by London Olympic organiser The Sebastian Coe of provoking a war in which they would sustain enough injuries to make their Paralympic team at least mildly competitive. Coe, who has never been disabled, expressed anger at what he called underhanded tactics.

"I don't like watching the Paralympic games anymore than anyone else," Coe commented somewhat off topic, "besides the garden isn't going to weed itself," he continued veering even further away from his original point.

Only yesterday, Russian games organise Dimitiri Russianov admitted Russian wheelchair users had little appetite for competitive sport. "Most of them like watching Downton Abbey," he said, "there's little time for them to train, especially with the new series."

Russian officials appear to be pinning their hopes on sporty members of their army getting limbs blown off by angry Ukrainians. "We're sticking basketball players in sensitive positions and keeping our fingers crossed," General Rasbland explained, "we're asking Ukrainians to shoot responsibly, we don't want anyone getting killed."

Sources

• Phil Stewart "Russia test-fires ICBM amid tension over Ukraine" Reuters, March 4, 2014