UnNews:Uh... No news
3 March 2009
LONDON, UK- Um... Well... No news this evening.
Nobody died, nobody argued, nobody went to get the paper, nobody nobody shot anyone, nobody won anything or even spoke. No wars broke out, no controversial elections, no car/plane/train crashes, not even any sport events. No new blu-rays, no new videogames, no new singles, no new tours, or any new films announced, or any of them released. Not even any cats stuck up trees, we've already phoned up the local papers in the area for that. We don't even have any quotes. I even asked the editor about quotes:
"Uh yeah, no quotes today. Sorry, mate."
So there you are then. No quotes. No news. Nothing. Not a single thing happened. Not a whisper, nor a sound. Don't you people do anything? Jesus Christ... I mean, Jesus! Nobody even prayed or something? All these religions and ethics in the world and nobody even argues the whole day about them! Not even any conflicts over short change! Or even sibling rivarly clashes? Seesh.
Oh. Oh! Breaking news! It appears Mrs. Henderson of 45 Spinny Way, Solihull has won a competition in the post! Well done, Mrs. Henderson! Apart from this juicy titbit of news, there is still, no news.
... Why are you still here? I should be on my fag break by now, I'm honestly dying for one. Okay fine, I know you would've wanted to hear about something and I know I've let you down... But no news is good news isn't it? No? Oh, and this just in: it turns out the competition in the post was a hoax. Commiserations to Mrs. Henderson. I'm off for a ciggie.
- Adam Buxton "No News". BBC, 3 March, 2009