UnNews:USA Women's Rhythmic Gymnastic Team Disqualified
11 August 2008
BEIJING, China - Further turmoil in Beijing. Following the ousting of the USA Men's Olympic Fencing Team and the USA Men's Olympic Water Polo Team, the USA Women's Rhythmic Gymnastic Team has been disqualified. Never in the history of the Olympics has three teams been disqualified, let alone from ONE country. Furthermore, the USA Women's Rhythmic Gymnastics Team has been cited and has been ordered to make an appearance in front of the Mayor of Beijing on Thursday night, Friday night, and Saturday night as well-if they're not busy.
Travis Tidbits upon hearing the LATEST news, "WHAT?! Them TOO?! I can't BELIEVE this! What the hell is going on here?! Come on people! What kind of Olympics IS this?! First US, then them, no...THEM?! Okay, now I'm both ANGRY, and [friggin' CONFUSED! AAAAAHHHH!"
Poor planning and miscommunication is to blame once again, as the Chinese RAN back to their Chinese-made ATMs to withdraw hundreds of dollars of bills in small denominations and race back to the Chinese-made Birds Nest Stadium to catch sight of the hot American-made mega-babes bump and grind their firm and toned American-made hot butts to the latest American-made songs. The Chinese Officials gathered their tongues off the stadium floor as they watched the performance. One Chinese Olympic Official is quoted as saying; "These chicks make me as hard as Chinese Algebra!" Unique, nevertheless.
"Dudes!" said stunned Team USA Fencer John. Said incrediously by Jim his teammate,"Bro!!" To which John replied, "DUDE!" Jim; "BRO!" "DUUUDE!" "BRRROOO!"
Again, Beijing Olympic Officials had little to say, so John and Jim stepped up to the plate. "You idiots are gonna work for US now. Got it? You're gonna sweep the floors of our club, you're gonna wash the dishes, you're gonna clean the mirrors, and you're gonna work as drivers and take these girls to private parties and all money you get you give to us-got it?!" Chinese officials nodded quickly and eagerly in agreement. "No your not! Jokes on YOU! We're takin' our hot American-made boobies home and we're gonna get 'em drunk on American-made beer and we're gonna spank 'em and make 'em bark like dogs, and then we're gonna do 'em and have American-made babies! So kiss our asses!!
With that the USA Women's Rhythmic Gymnastics team got downright hammered, danced all nite, passed out, and woke up in the good ol' U.S. of A.
- Louie Carbunkle, Field Reporter "Swimsuit Issue 2008" Sports Illustrated, August 11, 2008