UnNews:UK Prison Population Will Include Whole Country by 2020

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19 August 2007

Oscar Wilde pictured in 1898: The prison crisis began with this man

London, Mediocre Britain: It was announced today by the Home Office that the current UK Prisons crisis has reached a point of no return. With new inmates increasing by 1,000 every week, it is predicted that by November half the country will be locked up.

"It's worse than we thought," said Home Secretary Jaqui Smith MP, in her usual whiny tones. "Crime is at epidemic levels in this country. No one is safe. Just last week, I was caught climbing out of Jack Straws back window, with his DVD player in my swag bag. Luckily, my brief got me off on a technicality."

The opposition (whoever they might happen to be, I think it's the Green Party at the moment) were quick to pounce. "The Labour Government, under the leadership of Gordon Ramsay, are letting this country fall to pieces. We need strong leadership. We need to send all the Gypos back to Iraq. We need to let the Daily Mail make all our decisions" said Conservative leader David Cameron, at Prime Ministers Questions.

Gordon Broons reaction to suggestion that he is "soft on crime".

Prime Minister Gordon Brown was quick to rebutt allegations that he was 'Soft on Crime, Soft on the Causes of Crime'. "Mr Cameron may wish tae ken that ah wis walking doon the street the other day and wis canvassed by a filthy crack-head Big Issue seller. Ah pretended tae reach intae ma poacket to produce some change, but actually surreptitiously placed ma knuckle duster oan, which ah carry aroond fae just such occasions. Ah then poonded his head intae mush. Whit's thit ya doss-cunt? Youse want some as well, dae ya? C'mon then ya RADGE!! Let's 'AVVEE IITTT!!"

At which point the PM lept across the House and fought bitterly with his political opponent. Both are currently on remand at HMP Belmarsh, awaiting trial. Apparently, Mr Cameron is locked up with Great Train Robber, Ronnie Biggs, and the two are getting along famously. Mr Brown, however, has been put on segregation for his own protection, after receiving a stair-well nonce bashing when he was mistaken for Gary Glitter.

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With our two most prominent politicians now adding to the prison crisis, UnNews has come up with the following suggestions to ease the burden.

  • ASBO's for Fetuses It is well known that crime and criminogenic tendencies are a genetic disorder. By targeting specific demographics (mostly black, single-parent families from South London), we can catch people out and restrict their civil liberties even before birth.
  • Hotel Prisons Putting someone in the Savoy costs less than putting them in a high security prison. As an added bonus, prisoners are less likely to try and escape, if they have room service instead of screws. And it will certainly shut those civil liberties twats up for a while.
  • Just, y'know, letting people go early and stuff Oh, hang on, they're already actually doing that one