UnNews:UK Government Ban Driving In Snow: Ploughs Fucked

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9 January 2010

Ice.jpg

The UK Government have announced that due to the rest of the world laughing at their inability to cope with snow and ice, new laws will be enforced to prevent anyone from driving anywhere during the 'wintery season'. The, "wintery season", as it was referred to in the House of Commons, (or maybe the House of Lords, no one is really too sure about politics any more) will be a time of year that everyone in the UK is forbidden from driving in. This 'wintery season' encompasses not just Winter, but in fact almost all of the year, due to Global Warming. Spring is to now be known as, "The wintery season reloaded", Summer, "The wintery season: Version 2.0", and Autumn, "The wintery season: for fuck's sake this country is too fucking cold". These are offical names issued by the Oxford Dictionary. While England's OAPs struggle with the weather like Bambi on ice, it is unfair to include our ginger neighbours, the Scots, when saying that the UK are having trouble with the snow. Really, it is just the English whinging and not being able to cope, while the Scottish walk barefoot to work in ankle-deep snow, with kilts revealing testicles so cold they look like mini ferrero rochers.

The new law regarding driving is to save money during the Credit Crunch, which many politicians have only just discovered is not a breakfast cereal. This tactic, while flawed, will make the UK the leaders in cutting carbon emissions, just behind India, who don't have cars anyway. Snow plough owners will not be paid this winter, and are so gutted, they might just go plough their wives instead; booyah!