UnNews:Turkeys press rice into gorillas in bizarre tribal custom

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

3 November 2007

KINSHASA, Democratic Republic of the Congo. TURKEYS around the world today began their annual rice-pressing festival, taking advantage of the now-pest mountain gorilla as their pressboard.

"We decided this year to use the gorilla, to celebrate their newfound pest status, and also because their rock-hard physique allows us to gain all sorts of, uh, leverage," said one spokesturkey.

The festival will continue for 12 days, culminating in a bonfire, to be set in the wastelands of the Middle East. The pilgrimage is an important one to the average turkey, this reporter was told, as it reaffirms one's adherence to turkeydom, and "lets th'Man know that you won't take it lying down!"

The pressed rice will then be used as high-density food for the turkeys during the following year.

When this reporter was kidnapped by a turkey farmer on his way out to the site of the future bonfire, the farmer explained that he didn't mind the turkeys leaving, as "it clears out the coop for other livestock ... Now get in there, boy!"

It is clear to this reporter that the rice-pressing ritual is an important one, for both turkeys and humans.

Sources

• Helene Cooper "Turkish leaders press Rice for action against Kurdish guerrillas" IHT, November 2, 2007