UnNews:Trump wanted Mueller fired in June; WH counsel threatened to quit

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to: navigation, search

Friday, January 26, 2018

Dammit! Will we ever be funny again?

WASHINGTON -- Please. Just give us ONE DAY -- ONE DAY! -- without putting half the country at risk of a heart attack or stroke! As if Trump's presidency couldn't get any worse, it somehow did. The New York Times reports that Dr. Zaius tried to fire Mueller back in June, roughly a month after he did the same to Comey.

However, unlike with Comey, Chester Cheeto didn't pull the trigger this time, as White House Counsel Don McGahn threatened to join a revolving door of ex-Cabinet members that includes indicted Michael Flynn, Carter Page, Eggman Sean Spicer, Anthony "The Mooch" Scaramucci, and 1,000 more people we can't remember the names of.

The Mueller investigation into whether or not those pesky Russkies, Soviets and Communists conspired with the Yanks to throw the election to Donnie Oompa Loompa, has been going strong like an erection that's lasted more than four hours. Flynn has flipped. Manafort and Popadopwhatever may have flipped, also. Perpetual perjurer Jeff Sessions spoke with Mueller's team. Trump says he's willing to cooperate, and under oath. But Trump has a long history of being less that truthful. (Actually, that's an understatement.) It has been reported that 20 staffers have been questioned by Mueller's team.

Mueller's near-firing is reminiscent not only of Comey's firing, but of the Saturday Night Massacre that accelerated Richard Nixon's downfall in the Watergate scandal. If you're too young to remember, or you didn't pay attention in history or civics class (I'm looking at you, Billy Jones, Jr.!), The Saturday Night Massacre is when Nixon ordered the firing of special prosecutor Archibald Cox. Elliot Richardson and William Ruckelshaus refused to do so, and resigned. Robert Bork ended up firing Cox. But the damage was done and Nixon had a lot of blood on his hands. So much blood, it makes Jason look like Mr. Rogers. Knowing he was going to be impeached if he didn't, Nixon announced August 8, 1974 that he would be resigning at Noon the next day.

Before you lose your shit and have that heart attack, may I remind you that Mueller has not been fired. He's been on the job long enough for Kate McKinnon to play him on SNL last week. He has been on the job long enough for a 50 Shades of Orange-style book to become the talk of the town (and get that inevitable TV or movie deal). He's been on the job long enough for you to find out that Trump had an affair with a porn star named Stormy Daniels back in 2006 and his campaign paid her hush money during the election. He's been on the job long enough for you to find out about the whole "Shithole" thing.

Mueller For Life (Diddy).png
He ain't go - in' no - where
He ain't
Goin' nowhere
He can't be stopped now
'cause it's Muell - er for life

Sources[edit]