UnNews:Trump signs unilateral NAFTA deal; say bye-bye to Canada AND Mexico

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Wednesday, September 5, 2018

The ultramodern and streamlined NAFTA for January 1st, 2019. In other words, "Free Trade for Me, but not for Thee!".
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WASHINGTON, DC: In yet another unprecedented international economic/political achievement for his presidential administration, President Donald Trump has single-handedly renegotiated the North American Free Trade Agreement between the United States, Canada, and Mexico by trimming the long-held treaty down to its bare minimum. Beginning in January 2019, the entire extent of the NAFTA free trading zone will be composed solely of the fifty (50) United States and selected US territories.

In Trump's latest official tweetering, he went on to tweet:

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@@realDonaldTrump
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2:57 PM - 5 September 2018
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Additional provisions of the revised NAFTA will also safeguard the much-reduced free trade zone by strongly discouraging any and all trade that may occur between Canada and Mexico themselves. The US Navy will be especially empowered to confiscate any shipment of non-contraband goods anywhere on the Atlantic or Pacific Oceans caught doing an end-run around the congregarious 48 States. Also, the proposed Mexican-American border wall will be extended by an additional 4,000-odd miles to encompass the Canadian-American-Canadian-Alaskan border as well. Punitive tariffs and illegal drug trafficking between the former three trading partners are anticipated to soar to unheard-of levels.

Vice President Mike Pence (R), in official charge of what's left of the Trump Cabinet whenever Trump is away playing golf (i.e, upwards of 75% of the time these days), has been tasked with coordinating the entire executive branch to execute (with extreme prejudice) Trump's grandiose vision of "Free Trade is the American Way and Nobody Else's Business, So There!". For this special project, Secretary of Commerce Wilbur Ross (of Florida) and Secretary of Homeland Security Kirstjen Nielsen (also of Florida) will be ordered to merge their respective departments, divorce their respective spouses, and share an intimate bungalow deep in the heart of Texas in order to facilitate faster retaliations against unfair Mexican economic activities.

During this morning's unannounced press conference held behind locked doors, Trump went on to explain that the US island possessions of Puerto Rico, Hawaii, and California are now on special warning status, under consideration for further potential NAFTA cutbacks.