8 November 2012
FANCY OFFICE AGAIN, New Hampshire -- A few days after his Twitter tirade against Barack Obama's 2012 re-election, which included assertions that the most powerful democracy in the world was in fact not a democracy, as well as some deleted tweet about popular votes, Donald Trump made a mortifying new list of demands in a press conference held early this morning.
"Our country is in trouble." Trump began, "A man, whom I invested millions of bucks against through flip-floppity Mitt Romney ends up running this god-forsaken country back into the gutter for another four years. There's plently of reasons why I don't like this...man. Most important of all being the fact that he's a heartless, mean, scary-looking guy who's always mocking my sexy 'fro at political slumber parties!"
"Mr. Meanager may have fooled the Electoral College, but I will ensure that justice is done! In the next one month, I want copies of all the ballots, Obama's passport, and a copy of "U.S Constitution for Dummies." delivered to my doorstep! In return, I'll personally write a check of $100,000 for a charity of anybody's choice, based on an online poll. Remember that if that......man had agreed to my earlier offer, a charity of that....man's choosing would have been $5 million richer. But NO, he had to actually help the victims of Hurricane Sandy! That imbecile! He picked a stupid hurricane over me! ME!!!!"
Continuing his tirade, Mr. Trump insisted that he was only acting in the interest of the American public. "When you see a guy like that, giving all those fancy speeches and whatnot, you're making the public disillusioned with trash-talkers like me. Now I don't even see the point in telling people they're fired, because Obama's probably going to throw money at them anyway. They'll be richer unemployed compared to working under me! What am I gonna do if I can't tell people they're fired on national television! The public's gonna go crazy!"
When asked how his demands would serve in doing justice, especially given the fact that the number of ballots ran into millions, Donald Trump replied "Who cares. I'm mutha' f%#king Donald Trump!" and left.